Wednesday, October 01, 2008

Harriet Carter Wednesday: How Do You Like Them Crap-Filled Apples?

Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday! With the economy in the crapper I've chosen three products that should get you through these difficult financial times. This week Harriet takes a dump on her autumn apples, gives us the gift of Bindi Sue Irwin, and sexes up your ghetto jewelry holder. Let's go!Product # 1 - Mmmmm mmmmmm. Fall is in the air and so is my craving for warm apples topped with piping hot feces. Yum. Kids, come downstairs for a healthy snack! Now do you want momma to take a hot crap on your warm apple or do you want momma to squat over your snack and piss directly into it? Now typically piss in an apple is more suited for the Spring, but there shouldn't be rules when your trying to make the kids sick. This apple treat is applicable even to the dirty elderly that will surely have a hard time squatting over the apples. You see, now you don't have to straddle the apple any longer. You can simply shove this "extractor" directly up your cob-webby poop shoot and remove the week old poop from your cracked crack. Next, quickly inject this directly into the apple and then microwave on high for 45 seconds. Once the feces starts to bubble IT'S READY! In these tough economic times you don't need to shell out your hard earned money on ingredients like caramel or chocolate. Just see what you have for free shoved up your bum bum. Thanks, Harriet, for bringing rotten apples to a whole new level!
Product # 2 - In retrospect, Product # 1 really should have been Product # 2 for obvious reasons. Moving on. Why little f'n bitch. I know what I'm asking Jesus Claus for Christmas this year! If you aren't all filled up on your weekly Bindi Irwin intake on television now you can own a little piece of the bitch to play with all the live long day. Sometimes I wish Santa Christ took Bindi instead of Jon Benet, but that's another blog topic for another time. Bitchy Barbie Bindi now comes with plastic hair on the top of her head and real life-life horse hair for pigtails. The pig part is fitting. Bitch-Bag Bindi also comes with a stereotypical koala, a camera, a bottle, a book, and a stethoscope because clearly (at the age of 11) Bindi is fit to perform medical procedures on animals. I'm not sure why they decided to not crimp her hair, but I'll be writing a letter that's for sure. As Bindi grows older and more annoying you can also buy some additional accessories such as a little knife that Bindi will use on her arms when she becomes a "cutter" when the fame goes away, meth and booze for when she realizes that her bowl-cut-mullet-cameltoe-sporting mother never let her grieve the loss of her father, and a toothbrush with an extra long handle that will fit nicely down her throat when she realizes that Hollywood isn't interested in fat asses. Oh boy what a treat! Now don't just spoil your kids with this Bindi doll. Make sure you also hand deliver this wondrous present to the registered sex offenders in your very own neighborhood. Remember folks, Level 3's still need love too. Thanks, Harriet, for ensuring my ticket to hell. Ole!
Product # 3 - Hey there sexy hand! Oh la la! Is this hand made in tre-chic France because it couldn't be classier and sexier. If you're looking to store your ugly gold (probably fake) jewelry somewhere safe, perhaps you should consider hanging it on this beautiful pink hand. Oh la la look at the way the fingers don't even fit directly into the fabric. And the base of it is all bunched up around the rounded edges. Looks like the kids in the Harriet Carter sweatshop are slacking on their duties and don't know the first thing about cross-stitching (I don't even know if that's a real thing). If you're going to buy this sexy satin hand I suggest you really get your money worth and see if you can bend the fingers slightly to form a chocking motion around your neck. Or, for the fella's in the audience, see if you can get the fingers bent into a position that firmly grabs your junk. You can pretend the French maid is not only dusting your collectibles, but your sex stick as well. Whomever the lucky woman is that receives this hand, I recommend you cut off all the fingers besides the middle one and leave it on your husbands desk. He'll get the message and you can always use those extra fingers for other things. And I think ya know what those other things are because I'm clearly 10 and my mind is typically in the gutter or focusing on The Hills.

Well that concludes another week of Harriet Carter product reviews. It's amazing I haven't flat lined yet.


Anonymous said...

" little f'n bitch." For some reason, this makes me laugh outloud every single time.

IBBB said...

I don't care, Bindi is a bitch.

FutureMrs.IBBB said...

I plan to bear your children someday.

Karmalife said...

Oh man. I actually got a Harriet Carter in the MAIL a couple days ago. I immediately thought of you! (And I have NO idea where it came from..).

p.s. looks like that ring holder could be doubled as a back scratcher...maybe??

Karmalife said...

Oops..I meant a Harriet Carter "catalog" in the mail. Thank god SHE didn't show up in my

Becca said...

Love it. I'm giving Bindi dolls to everyone for Christmas!