Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Harriet Carter Wednesday: My Privates Need a Breeze

Feliz Harriet Carter Wednesday! That might mean Merry Harriet Carter Wednesday. One can't be sure. I mean, I'm not a magician. Anycrap, this week Harriet cools down Mr Winky whilst I sleep, lets grandma know that her little granddaughter is pissed at her, and lights up your life with rabies. Let's go!Product # 1 - Just because we're in the middle of Autumn doesn't mean that your dingle-berry or your vaginastein isn't going to be hot under those covers. Well now you don't have to toss and turn all night long with swamp balls or pond pussy, thanks to this fan that you install on the foot of your bed and blows a nice cool breeze right up to your perverted privates. Be careful to sleep with your legs partially closed or your sex parts may catch cold. Have you ever seen a vagina sneeze? It ain't pretty. Lucky for this lively woman in the photo, the white arrows let her know just exactly where the wind is going to go. It starts at her feet, travels up her mannequin body, and finally ends up bouncing off of her brown wig, and into the blue sky that (for some reason) happens to be at her headboard. Make sure you don't turn that fan on high or your bed will end up just like this ladies bed....floating in the sky. And what a real dish she is! Just look at the way she lets her moustache grow without any hesitation. Oooh la la! They just grow 'em different in France. Is it any wonder she's sleeping alone? Thanks, Harriet, for inventing the very first ice box.
Product # 2 - Well. Will ya look at that spoiled little brat in the picture frame. What's up her Bindi Irwin lovin' ass? The poor little boy just wants to wish Grandma a very happy birthday and his little d-bag sister has a big puss on her face. Look at that smirk. It speaks volumes. You know she's thinking, "Thanks Grandma for the big $5.00 you gave me for Christmas last year. Oh, and thanks for humiliating me in front of my friends at my last sleepover when you had to have that heart attack and fall on the ground. You're the worst, Grandma. P.S Your funeral better not be during American Idol or I'm....not....going!" And where is this photo taking place? Are they on a bus? Hopefully their parents are dropping them off at one of those "Safe Havens" where, as parents, you can give your kids up and not face jail time. I mean, what ever happened to the good old days when you've leave your kids in a picnic basket on the front steps of your local church? Ugh, the Internet has ruined everything. Anyway, you can leave a wonderful message for Grandma with your own voice like "Happy Birthday Grandma!" However, I suggest leaving more helpful messages like, "Grandma, don't give your social security number to the emails you get from Liberian nationals who promise to send you $66 million dollars." Or, "Grandma, again, Knots Landing has been off the air for 2 decades." Or perhaps my personal favorite, "Grandma, update us in your Will...you looked a little pasty the last time we saw you and college is going to be expensive for us and I don't want student loans!"


Product # 3 - If you're like me you love to have the absolute piss scared out of you in the middle of the night when you're on the way to the bathroom. Well, nothing says "skids marks in your underpants" quite like this rabies infested nightlight. Seriously, who loves squirrels this much? If I was walking up the hallway at night and saw a squirrel "sitting" in the wall I'd shoot it with my slingshot. The good news is that I carry a slingshot around with me everywhere I go. I'm like a modern day Dennis the Menace. The squirrel nightlight is just a start when frightening people however. Kick it up a notch by plugging an Al Qaeda terrorist into the wall (perhaps Osama Bin Laden) or, better yet, perhaps a Hitler light. Don't worry about monsters in your closet, kids, because you'll be lucky to make it to the bathroom alive thanks to Harriet Carter!


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3 comments:

cnap786 said...

clearly, this lady "loves" squirrels that much. sure you'd find this on every light switch in the house.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7RlK0Xd4c2c

jamie said...

i laughed so hard i cried and i'm nominating you for president. you're welcome.

Anonymous said...

that crotch fan is amazing!!! might have to order one for the holidays