I believe we're halfway through the latest season of The Hills and to catch everyone up, not much is going on. I mean, episodes are happening and a lot of eye movements and facial expressions are happening, but that's about all. Here's what went down on the latest crapisode of The Hills:
- Woo hoo! Gas up the private jet that none of these donkeys deserve because the Douche Bag Bunch are headed to Cabo San Lucas Mexico! You know Frankie is psyched.
- Everyone appears to already be trashed within the first 4 seconds of this trip and we will come to find out that all stay this way for the entire episode. Perhaps this will be a good one after all. Oh, and Lauren says, "Weeeeeeeee" as the plane takes off. I'm sure that was edited too. She was probably really like, "Weeee....hate Justin Bobby" or "Weeeee are tools."
- Brody forgets he's actually white.
- What's up with Frankie? Has he stolen Lo's "Freshman 15?" Frankie must be a bit bloated from all those Corona's and Taco Bell. Meanwhile Lauren and Audrina are both sharing an iPod, which I can only assume is directly feeding them lines. Well that may not be entirely true. I'm sure Audrina's earphone is feeding her constant reminders such as, "Breathe in, breathe out. Blink. Swallow. Breathe in, breathe out. Blink. Yawn."
- Did everyone bring their drinks from the plane to the random mansion?
- Whoa. Holy alcohol abuse. Now Audrina and Lauren have beers in their hand whilst they frolic on the beach and in the water. Hopefully they're tipping their 40's to Heidi because that looks like the same beach that she was filming her video for Higher and chasing seagulls. I miss those damn seagulls. I miss them and me gusta them. Ole!
- All the guys are making Douche Soup and are soaking in the hot-tub with their trucker hats on (that went out in 2005) and Frankie, the big bitch that he is, decides to chat it up with the fella's on the Justin Bobby and Audrina situation. He spills the scripted beans that Audrina is giving dead eyes to some other guy named Cory. Justin Bobby seems so angry over this that he can barely mumble. Seriously? Frankie is doing anything it takes to become a series regular and break into that $10,000 an episode group. Sorry dude it's not gonna happen, but perhaps you can hold the boom mic for LOser? It may not pay a lot, but it has benefits and you won't have to travel to Cabo San Fajitas to see your doctor. Yowza! Ole!
- Meanwhile, back in Los Angeles, America, Heidi and Sandy Sanders are shopping for products that will help hide their ugly and Sandy Sanders informs us all that she has a boyfriend. Oh Jesus, you can only imagine what this dude is going to be about. Why do I have a feeling that her "boyfriend" is really going to be Spencer with a wig on? Or Heidi's horse!?
- So now is Justin Bobby technically on Ecstasy while they're all having their fancy outdoor dinner? Because I'm pretty sure he is. I'm looking for a glowstick and a lollipop near his plate, but can't seem to find it yet. J Bob asks Audretard (new nickname I will sometimes use) if "that is real" and you know he was totally talking about her newly inflated rack. It takes a left turn and he's talking about this pathetic looking silk/cotton flower that's in her hair that she probably got from the Dollar Store directly next to a rack of car fresheners. Audretard tells Justin Bobbysocks that Cory gave her that beautiful flower. Wow, that dude spares no expense.
- Seriously, what is J Bob talking about. The Cabo mansion better have life resuscitating equipment because this dude is going to flatline. Oh, and can he stop calling Audretard "Dude." Unless she is a dude you never call the girl you like "dude."
- Frankie decides to toast Brody with tequila shots (how fitting) and tells Brody that he's the best friend anyone could have. Seriously Frankie, stop giving him a reach-around....you're not becoming a show regular. I'm just surprised Frankie isn't wearing a sombrero, blowing a whistle, pouring shots down their throats, shaking their heads for them and wearing one of those t-shirts that says: One tequila, Two tequila, Three tequila....FLOOR!
- DouK has a scripted surprise for Brody and brings the "sleezies," as Lauren calls them, to Brody's scripted birthday dinner. Holy Jesus Claus! Where in the hell did he find this troop of girls? There's no way this is real. These girls pretty much look like the maids at the Howard Johnson's Hotel next door from their mansion. I'm pretty sure one of them even walked in pushing a towel cart. Now's the time to ask for extra toilet paper and shampoo, guys!
- At one point Brody laughs and places his finger directly under his nose. To me, this either symbolizes that someone is getting a Dirty Sanchez or he's just reminding us to look for Lauren's mustache...which I did.....and it's still their.....glowing in the Mexican moonlight.
- P.S Which of these girls is Liz Gately?
- Priceless Alert: J Bob is slurring nonsense to the random ass dude next to him and the guy just literally laughs in his face. By the way, that random guy represents America's feeling towards J Bob.
- Here's come Santa Pubes, here comes Santa Pubes, right down Santa Pubes lane! Steve Sanders and Heidi are waiting at the restaurant for 40 minutes for their double date with Sandy Sanders and her new boyfriend. Steve Sanders grew out his Santa pubes beard especially for this dinner, clearly. I'm sure Heidi grew out hers. Oh!
- For the love of Mary Magdalen! Which dumpster did they pull Sandy Sander's boyfriend, Cameron, out of for this dinner scene?! He actually kinda looks like the dude from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Hopefully he takes a crap on her, too.
- This dinner is the worst. Steve Sanders tries to make funny jokes about everything that basically happened this season and tools on Sandy Sanders. He's like a middle school girl being a bitch to the other girls at her table in the cafeteria.
- Uh-oh! Justin Bobby has Audretard's flower in the pool and won't give it back. For the 15th time to J Bob, Audrina says her official, "Forget it, I'm done" to him. I'm sure "I'm done" is really code word for, "I'm ready to try it in the bum bum." Just a guess.
- Later, the two bring their drunken retarded fight into the kitchen, whilst they wear their sunglasses. J Bob is basically like, "I know you are but what am I?" Oh, and he's wearing Daisy Dukes. No joke. Horrific.
- Back on the mainland, Sandy Sanders goes to confront or "fauxfront" Steve Sanders while he "works out" outside by running up and down the stairs. I just think it's good that he's branching out and not sitting on that damn couch. Hopefully he's take a spill down those stairs and bust his Santa pubes beard. Anyone else notice that while she talks to Steve Sanders he's doing awkward stretches?
- The crapisode ends with Lauren giving more advice to Audrina in hopes that Audretard will become as miserable in life as Lauren. The end.
Sidenote, who saw The Aftershow? Talk about 30 more minutes of absolute piss. However, the best part was the scene from Whitney's new show, "The City." No, not because it looks good, but because there is some chick in it named Olivia who I already have fallen in love with. Anyone see her? Holy hell. That sends a message to Lauren about "this is how you should look on camera."