Tuesday, October 14, 2008

The Hills Recap: Audrina's Boobs Soak in the Pool. Justin Soaks His Bobby.

Not that any of them are that good, but this crapisode of The Hills is the worst one yet. The actual 11 minutes episode felt like 2 hours and those two tools from The After Show only made it worse. Who the hell lives in Canada anyway? There, I said it. Here's what made me want to make a bleach cocktail last night on...The....Hills.
  • The crapisode kicks off with Audrina apparently guessing the security password of the main house and going in to talk with Lauren about her scripted boy situation. Lauren's voice, of course, fluctuates from the terrible baby voice to that terrible raspy voice that leads me to believe she went on a blow binge the night before. Just a guess.

  • Sandy Sanders shows up at "Karma Coffeehouse" (that has two of the same exact signs directly next to each other) looking like the mix between a lesbionic Olsen Slut and a natural Lindsay Lohan. Steve Sanders is, of course, on the set of Karma and if you look quickly you'll notice that he's on Perez Hilton's website. I'm sure he's emailing Perez to let her know that Heidi's new chin is finally in and he should come over to take pictures of it and interview them!

  • Steve Sanders is kind enough to reenact the past 4 episodes for us and keeps up-to-date on everything that has gone on with Heidi's mom, Darlene, and sister, HOlly Ethel Mertz Montag. He tosses in a "stalker mom" comment, which I'm sure Dar Dar will never see since I'm sure she doesn't watch The Hills as she is typically busy giving hand-pleasure to Heidi's horse in Crested Butte. It's interesting, also, how Steve Sanders tells Sandy Sanders that "HOlly's on my office all day long." Really? On it? How are you technically "on" an office? Unless he means the "set of his office" which now is making more sense to me. Or, wait, unless he means his pepe. Maybe HOlly is taking rides on the Spencercoaster. Gross. Time for my bleach shot.

  • Finally, Steve Sanders calls HOlly a worse sister than Sandy Sanders. Awww, save it for the Christmas card. And then he's pissed that he never got to "spellcheck" Heidi's scripted letter (that I'm sure someone else wrote) to Lauren. I'm sure Steve Sanders spellchecking abilities are as good as Heidi's combo singing and dancing abilities. I mean, she can chase seagulls on a beach like nobodies business, but still.

  • Ugh. Pubic Revolution sucks without Kelly CUNTrone. This episode blows. Although Whitney says to Lauren, "I can't waiD for the weekenT to comeK." And then Lauren says, "What???" and makes Whitney say it again. Chuckle alert!

  • Sidenote, Whitney's holding a clipboard. Someone please verify the "data" that's on that clipboard. A business is in jeopardy for cripes sakes!

  • Audrina is a serial data and her teeth are a weapon. She's on a 10 second data with Corey and they talk about summer for about 8 of those seconds. God. Listening to this date is like listening to a pep talk between Steve Irwin and Bindi Irwin. Crikey!

  • Good morning, Corey, would you like some cereal after I banged the ever-loving Australian accent out of you? Oh, would you like strawberries with that? That's basically what Aud said since Corey spent the night at Chateau Teef. And why is Lauren being so nice to everyone? I think it's somehow tied to her moustache. When that thing is gone so is the attitude.

  • Meanwhile Heidi is hanging up her ugly clothes as Steve Sanders has a whisper fight with her about HOlly moving out of Casa de Chin. Why does Heidi's hair look like that? She must know it looks like crap right? She looks like she's ready to give the 5:00 News 24 hours a day. Let's try toning it down, assface.

  • What in the holy hell kind of pool party is this? Whitney is wearing a blue ice skating dress and LC is in disguise with a top hat and 80's sunglasses. Whitney's sunglasses are the size of the windshield of a '75 Buick.

  • Hey Frankie! Thanks for being pointless, yet again, on The Hills. Since when does Justin Bobby hang out with Frankie and DouK every day? Seriously, who are these 3 characters?! Audrina brought Corey to the stupid pool party and Frankie's script informed him that he also told J Bob to come, but now LC and Whitney think it's a bad idea and will stir up some drama. Da da duuuuun. I mean du du duuuuuuumb. Frankie calls Justin Bobby and leaves him a message like a 14 year old girl telling her mother that she's at the movies when she's really at her boyfriends house because his parents are out and she's thinking of using her hand for the first time on him. Jesus, Frankie, there are cue-cards right in front of you. Read them damn it!

  • Now we have Lauren, Audrina, and some dumb dog (is that LC's dog?) walking up in the Hollywood Hills, I guess, and talking about all the different guys that Audrina is going down on this week. I'm sure the camera crew was pissed they had to walk all that way to listen to Audrina speak her mind on top of a mountain.

  • Wow who's all dressed up for their big scene? Heidi is telling HOlly that she has to peace the F out. HOlly thinks she'll be living on the street. Seriously, how trashy is HOlly? Listen to the way she says, "WHY?" to Heidi when she tells her to move out. It's like having a conversation with Roseann Barr.

  • The crapisode ends with Audrina getting pushed in the night pool by Justin Bobby. J Bob will only go in if Audrina unleashes her beasts into the pool. J Bob screams like an alter boy who's about to get diddled by Father Fitzpatrick, "What are you doing!?!?" J Bob takes off his 15 layers of clothing and now him and Audrina are soaking their filth in the pool. Auddy tells Bobby about Cabo and he's looking for a "hall pass" while he's there so he can be creepy with other unsuspecting girls. I hate this show. I hate my life. Listening to this conversation has made me flatline. The end. Thank Christ.

This Just In......did anyone watch The Aftershow that they showed directly after The Hills (oh, is that where they got that name from)? Well, it's horrific, but the best part was that Audrina was supposed to be there live on the show, but is "sick" to she appeared via satellite. Brilliant! Audrina is via satellite with one of those 6th grade school picture blue backdrops behind her! I love it! It could have only got better if they had that terrible laser background that I begged my parents to pay extra for so that it looked like I was taking my school picture from outerspace because, you know, that makes sense.


Shannon said...

I was hoping you saw the aftershow!!!!!! Why did they keep saying it was such a steamy episode? They are horrible.

Anonymous said...

I'm still waiting for that huge announcement at the end of the aftershow. If it was that LC will be on with her crows feet and 'tasch---Yawn!!

Mrs. IBBB said...

"Let's try toning it down, assface."
I fall more in love with you every week.

Jeannette said...

what was the "big announcement" I got tired watching the aftershow and switch the channel....

Anonymous said...

Nice recap. Hey, speaking of Teefs, I think she's had them filed down a bit, because I swear they're not nearly as big as they used to be (they look a lot better now).

Anybody else notice that or am I nuts?

Anonymous said...

i felt bad for audrina though...
after she took her top off and jb gets in the pool the first thing he says is hey i'm gonna fuck around in cabo ok? it's like, couldn't he have waited until after she blew him to tell her that?

Anonymous said...

i noticed the backdrop too!
ps - LASERS!


Anonymous said...

Dear IBBB,

I've been trying to get around to writing you for awhile but it's been hard as Spencer won't leave me alone. Who is it you say? Its, me Spencers laptop (otherwise known as his "office". Spencer and I spend a lot of time together so I'm sure if he finds this letter he'll be pissed that he didn't get to spell check it or whatever but anyways...I thought I'd fill you in as to what happens in Spencer's "office" everyday by giving you a quick look at his Microsoft Outlook Calendar he keeps:

9a-10a- Google myself

10a-10:05a- Google Heidi (know what I mean)

10:05-11:00a- look at myself in the mirror from different angles and try to decide "santa pubes or no santa pubes"

11:00a-12pm- google "How to kick your girlfriend's sister out of your place without looking like an ass"

12pm-1pm-lunch- look up Perez Hilton and make sure there are no dots posted by your pic's nose.

1pm-2:30pm- google "Ways to manipulate your girlfriend without yelling and whispering"

2:30-3pm- try not to diddle Heidi's sister even though she does look like Heidi pre-surgery, maybe you're just hungry

3-4pm get a snack and drive around LA, preferably somewhere where people will notice you and not hate you...Starbucks?

4-5pm-move some things around the apartment so it looks like you've been busy all day bf Heidi gets home.

So there you go. Spencer is crazy busy so it's hard if someone else is cutting in on the couch time...

Spencer's Laptop

P.S. I gotta go now. Holly's trying to get on me again to look up internet porn and new places to live...

Leslie said...

Seriously I live for your recaps! I wondered about J Bob and his "BFF's" too. When did they start chilling everyday?

Has anyone else noticed that the editors made sure to show Lauren as having extreme dislike for Justin? I mean she said LAME about 50 times, hahaha! With the whole scandal going on between Audrina and LC, I bet Lauren ordered them to make sure she looked as if she hates him. Maybe not, but it's just a thought...

robyn said...

Like OMG Sandy Sander's drives a 4 yr old bmw?! her Hill's paychecks aren't as big as Lauren's that's for sure. Anyone notice Teef's bOObs when she's getting up from her chair on her date..damn, i know she had fake tits, but they looked like inflated cataloupes!!! Steve Sanders cracked me up when he was complaining hOlly was always "on" his office. hahaha oh and he called Heidi's mom "stalker mom". Puuulleeaasee! he's the stalker. he's the most possessive, obsessive, controlling bf ever! i can't wait tell next weeks episode so i can laugh my ass off when i see his fuller santa pube face! lol

Oyster Girl said...

I love Justin Bobby!

Is you like laser backdrops check this blog out:


Anonymous said...

I can't stand the scenes shot in Pubic Revolution. Lauren always shows up to work, puts her shit down, then does absolutely nothing but have a cheezy scripted conversation w/ Whitless. I thought Kelly Cuntrone was a slave driver. Those 2 are the fucking slowest, most useless employees ever.
Did Jbob go in the pool nude?? Audrina gave a little chuckle right before he got in. Must of had some shrinkage.

Anonymous said...

hahaha, that's hilarious... I remember that lazer background, and it definitely was more money, but you had to have it to be COOL! :) - Brenda

Karmalife said...

Another fantastic recap, my friend. I told you I would hunt Lauren down with my Nads (I did a good job, don't you think??).

Audrina's boobs need a harness.


cnap786 said...

hilarious recap, however i thought you would have noticed a prop that was left on the set!

when the 2 crazies and the dog (lauren, fido, and audrina, respectively) were on top of mount everest, LC poured some water in a metal dish for the dog. then they show them walking away.

guess that's what the props department is for!

cnap786 said...

*meant to say walking away and leaving the bowl at the top of the mountain.


smashley said...

that white hat that cory wore to thier date was cheesy....at least take it off for dinner, mate. And hell yeah audrinas boobs seemed to defy gravity that night! jesus. justin bobby and his creepy eyes are starting to remind me more and more of uncle chester the molester. and lauren seemed sooo fake nice this episode. whitney can't dress for shiz.....and is frankie getting fat? well i'm done with my heartless comments.....I love The Hills!!!

carri said...

mein gott,
can't wait to see spencers santa pubes next week. can't wait my life to begin, really, buuut.. as long as the hills is running, I'm still here.

love your recaps,
greetings from sweden.

that's what she said...

A little editing snafoo...In one scene they show Holly sitting on the couch with her hair extentions...In the next scene her hair is shoulder length. Nice try...

Anonymous said...

One, This show is pointless
Two, All these girls are just hoes learning how to pretend
Three, No offense but why would even of you waste 30 minutes or so, to watch a crappy show like the hills. Why!? I am quite a young person, and quite intelligent, I do watch tv, but the fact that most of you 20yr olds, or whatever age are even watching this. Again Im going to make points. One, they use freaking cue-cards. Two, The show would be so much better if you had some reality going on, puhleaseee The Hills? Its just Entertainment trying to cover its ugly face. And Three, I rather like the lasers, sounds awesome, but how bout something like taunting backgrounds, I mean like something hilarious. Just making a few suggestions. And this blog was amazingly funny, and great!
Thank You.

Lizzo said...

Haha there was def some sexin going on in that last scene between J Bob and Teeth...if you look closely he is totally naked, there is this blurry bubble over his family jewels...who would have thought the hills would be turning into soft core porn? I almost died when Teeth took of her top, they never show anything more than scripted kissing...Its about TIME they show something rowdy like this...i mean we all know those girls have more than one notch on the old bed post...(I feel an Audrina/Jbob sex tape coming)

Side note: Why don't they ever show Heidi and Steve Sanders doing saucy things like that??

karmalife said...

Lizzo- to answer your last question, because THAT would cause a moment of nationwide vomitting.

MJL said...

once again, hilarious! The Hills would not be the same without your recraps!!!! :)

Anonymous said...

"on his office" meant on his couch I believe