Tuesday, November 18, 2008

The Hills Recap: Holly Moves in With Lauren, Everyone Drinks, I Die a Little More Inside







WARNING!!! What an absolute nightmare this episode is. It's like they didn't even try this time. I would have rather watched Kelly CUNTrone give herself an enema whilst wearing all black then watch this crap. Regardless, here's what went down last night on The Hills....Jesus be with me:
  • Once again we begin with Whitney and Lauren "working"at Pubic Revolution. Whitney informs us that she still has been talkinK with Ozzy Bobby (Jay, the musician). Lauren allows Whitney to say one full complete sentence before she jumps in and alerts Whitney that Holly is "crashing" at LC's place. Whitney says probably the most profound thinK she has ever said to this day about Holly: "She's like Heidi without the Spencer." Someone toss that on a t-shirt and lets call it a day.

  • Oh Jesus. Audrina and Justin Bobby are walking up the street in Venice Beach. I'm not even sure if it's J Bob. The producers probably just grabbed some homeless dude off the street and was like, "Here, wear this hat and talk to the girl with the big rack and ultra-white teeth. Don't worry if it looks like she's looking at the sky the whole time....she's...uh...praying." Roll 'em!

  • Ugh, these two again. There are more scenes this season of Heidi hanging up clothes in her bedroom while Steve Sanders stands there and they faux-fight. Seriously? There's nothing better they can come up with then this? Heidi is very concerned about the whereabouts of Holly because "she doesn't even know where she is." Really? Pick up an Us Weekly. That's a good start. If you can't find her there, check out Perez Hilton. He may know. If he doesn't, maybe check out the green-room down the hall from the set of your apartment and see if she's in there practicing her lines for the current episode. If not, check the stomach of your horse from Crested Butte because, well, if my plan worked she may be in there. It's a long story.

  • Later, Lauren and Audrina go out to have drinks and they talk about how awesome they are. As if the dialogue can't bet worse, they reinforce it with sub-titles. Thanks "Hills!" Yawn. I'm over this scene. Unless Audrina's rack falls out of her shirt and onto the bar I'm moving on. Oh wait did it just fall out? Ugh. No. Close though.

  • I love when Teef and Tats Patridge have scenes together. Tats Pat has the longest teeth I've ever seen. They're so long I think it effects her voice. No joke. She kinda has 60 year old butch lesbian voice. Anyone with me on that? Anyone? Crickets. Crickets. Crickets. Anyway, they talk about J Bob and him leaving his toothbrush at Audrina's new house of horror. He only leaves it there because he doesn't use it/need it. I assume he'd leave soap there too.

  • Heidi heads to Crackhouse to meet with Sam to try and get a job. She introduces herself to the receptionist, as if the receptionist has no clue what's going on. I will guess that the camera crew filming her may have given her the heads up that Heidi from "The Hills" will be stopping by in about 3 seconds and that's why there's an actual camera crew in front of her right now. Oh, and someone needs to teach Heidi how "not" to look at the camera. I've caught her about 4 times this crapisode already.

  • So does Sam work in an elevator? Because the door to his office opens like one. And uh, why is his computer monitor facing me? How does he use it if it's turned around? I hate this. I hate me.

  • Sam hires Heidi on a trial basis and doesn't want to see Steve Sanders ever at an event. Is this shit for real? He's supposed to be this high-powered businessman and he's talking to his non-college-educated-douche-bag-low-level-worker about her boyfriend. If there is stock for SBE, sell it now. That place should be tanking soon.

  • Sandy Sanders and Lauren are at "school" for about 3 seconds. They're sitting on white leather lounge chairs. Are the filming this in outerspace? Sandy Sanders hair looks like the Cowardly Lion's. That is all.

  • Holly is back at Casa de Misery with Lauren and LOser. For the 15th time this episode the cast is drinking. Again, watching this show any other way than drunk is just plain old stupid. Holly is supposed to be 25, but I think someone forgot to "carry the 1" when doing the math. She looks closer to 35. Maybe it's the mom haircut she has. One may never know.

  • Meanwhile back at Casa de Chin, Sandy Sanders shows up to film her scenes with Heidi and Steve Sanders. Sandy Sanders spills the scripted beans that scripted Holly is scriptedly living with scripted LC and LOser at scripted Casa de Misery. Steve Sanders and Heidi are scriptedly shocked when they hear this. Heidi checks the script and asks Sandy Sanders why Holly would move in with LC and Sandy informs everyone that Holly was "homeless" and who would say no to a homeless person. Um, I say no to homeless people every single day. It's easy.

  • Steve Sanders and Heidi continue to faux-fight. He calls Darlene Montag a stalker mom. When Heidi tries to defend her family she looks like she's trying to take a crap. Heidi then calls Steve Sanders an ass and that he may be the problem. She's half right. But I'm the ass for watching this show and this show is actually the problem. There's a difference.

  • Finally (thank Jesus Claus) Justin Bobby and Audrina are at dinner wearing all leather, sitting on leather chairs, in what I can only assume is a dungeon. J Bob is sporting a black hood with a black hat. Imagine sitting next to that crap? This is just another reason why I carry a baseball bat with me wherever I go.
  • J Bob gives Audrina a white shirt and instructs her to wear it without a bra. I'm pretty sure he calls her "dude" after that. Good job, J Bob, someone will be getting a little Oddrina head tonight thanks to that shirt! Carrrreful for her teeth though....sometimes she hurts when she does it. So I've heard.

I stand corrected from the past. THIS was the worst episode ever. Although next week looks good! It's the episode where Audrina claims that Lauren banged Justin Bobby. There are a lot of tears, f bombs, and LC tells Audrina that she's worse than f'n Heidi. Didn't this crap just happen like 2 weeks ago in real life? Are they filming this in real-time now? Oh, they should totally have some live episodes. That would be great!


So what did you guys think of this episode? Yawnsville?

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23 comments:

Anonymous said...

im totally surprised that jbob was actually being somewhat of a decent guy.

Lisa D said...

did you notice Holly was wearing what looked to be a wedding ring? Who is she married to? (beside Fred Mertz, of course)

Anonymous said...

You're right this is definitely getting more stupid each week. WHY the hell are we all still watching it???
Audrina must have no/low self esteem to put up with that idiot. Her sister said he just goes a week without contacting her - NICE!
Like we're all supposed to believe that Lauren messes around with Justin - yeah that's gonna happen.

Lauren said...

You forgot to mention that JBobby looked like Dusty from The 3 Amigos in that hat.

Ashley said...

I'm so glad that you mentioned Uhduhrina and Bob eating dinner at that dungeon place. I expected the waitress to come to the table dressed in one of those midieval get ups. Hearing Bob tell Uhduhrina not to wear a bra with that top, I had to choke back my own vomit. MTV could have seriously edited that out, I mean come on. I couldn't even muster up the attention span to watch this episode in its entirety, so thank you for recapping and saving me the pain.

Mrs. IBBB said...

How are we not talking about the fact that we found out last night on the aftershow that Justin Bobby is a HAIRDRESSER?! Who in thier right mind would go to him to get thier hair did? Oh & he's also in a band called "Uncle Bob's balls" or some shit like that.

tess said...

Did anyone else notice that Holly's hair kept changing in that scene in the kitchen at Case de Misery? First, the bangs were pulled back, then down, then back, then down, then back again...IBBB, I am soooo disappointed - I was sure you would pick up on that!
Also, did anyone hear Audrina say on the aftershow that JB plays tennis???
Why, oh why, do I still watch this show? What the hell is wrong with me?

IBBB said...

I wish everyone would stop beating themselves up over watching The Hills. We are all equally losers for watching.

Go in peace,
IBBB

Kristine said...

i just want to know that i saw more advertisements and commercials for Sonic then i would like to see for the rest of my lifetime during that episode.

Anonymous said...

I was so bored with this episode that I found myself paying closer attention to it, because that makes sense, but anyways...

Did anyone notice how lauren and stephanie had the same laptop on display? They aren't even trying to hide the product placement anymore...case in point the zoom up shot on Audrina's crest toothepaste a few weeks back.

Also, not sure if it was just my tv or not but in the last scene Heidi had this weird orange shade reminiscent of an oompa loompa on her upper lip that was so distracting.

Finally, I found it a tad ironic when Justin Bobby stated maturity is the key thing in a relationship. To me maturity also encompasses wearing appropriate clothing, showering more than once a week and not calling your girlfriend dude. Oh well maybe I have high expectations.

Anonymous said...

Heidi officially has flesh colored hair!! No me gusta that at allllll. I cannot believe the sister is 25, some def forgot to carry the 1! Doesn't she work for Girls Gone Wild Magazine?!?!

P.S. Its old news that J.Bob is a hair dresser! Didn't his hair that gets washed maybe 3 times a year screammmm "I do hair!" to you?!?

Anonymous said...

http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=56297030

uh ohhh, look what I just found =) J.bob's band on the space!

that's what she said...

This show is the same thing every week. Every week, the same phrases are used:

"Best Friends"
"Used to be such good friends"
"Our relationship"
"She's my family"
"Loyalty"
"Guess who called/texted me"

abs said...

Soooo.... the school scene with LC and Sandy... did you notice how when Sandy walked up asked what are you doing? LC responds,"Ohh I am just checking e-mails." then she quickly adds, "Ohh and some school stuff....."

Riiiiight "School Stuff"....

abs said...

Soooo.... the school scene with LC and Sandy... did you notice how when Sandy walked up asked what are you doing? LC responds,"Ohh I am just checking e-mails." then she quickly adds, "Ohh and some school stuff....."

Riiiiight "School Stuff"....

abs said...

oppps sorry I posted twice....

yeah I though Jdouche's comment on maturity was pretty hilarious! I am not sure why he thinks he is soo mature?? I mean he can't even find pants long enough for him...

It took me the longest time to figure out what was on his head during dinner... I just thought he had no ears...

Anonymous said...

Someone said something about Holly working for girls gone wild magazine and I am wondering what that is all about. I read somewhere that she was working for Joe Francis so that makes sense then. But seriously? If that is true I can only hope that they start filming scenes for The Hills at Holly's work. Could you imagine who her "work friend" would be. If that's the case, too bad Holly isn't attractive otherwise you know E! would be contacting her so they could make a scripted reality show since we all know Girls Next Door is coming to an end. By the way has anyone else noticed how bad Girls Next Door sucks now?

Oyster Girl said...

I so called the Holly move in months ago!

Justin Bobby just keeps getting better and better.

MovieWatching said...

I can't even believe this show is still on

robyn said...

JBob actually called Teefs "Babygirl" and not "dude" for once. he is so random with words, the shit that comes out of his mouth makes no sense 98% of the time. very odd man, no wonder why Oddrina loves him haha. Tat's mouth is just as bad as Teef's, they need to get those filed down or something. they have the $$ for the dental work what are they waiting for? Doesn't Tat's have a baby? Never see her baby with her, maybe cuz mtv refused to pay her enough to have her kid on. Heidi looks like a porn star, hard to believe she never wore makeup on season 1. Steve Sanders still give the evil eyes whenever LC's name comes up, i must admit it cracks me up. this episode sucked, they need a whole new plot line, it's getting boring. Next week does look interesting though...oh and i heard mtv is actually doing Season5 of the hills..god help us all LOL

Valerie said...

THANK YOU for mentioning that Heidi looks like a porn star now. What the hell is up with her make up!? It's been crazy caked on lately. Ew.

Anonymous said...

What happened to LC's stache? I did not see it at all in last night show. I cant wait for next week, it looks good. Please MTV do not dissapoint please

Anonymous said...

http://www.behindtheapprovalmatrix.com/2008/09/holly-montag-hired-by-girls-gone-wilds.html

^ ^I told you so. Holly is affiliated with Girls Gone Wild! You're welcome ;)