Tuesday, December 30, 2008

The City Recap: The Editing Machine is Already Broken. Plus, I Still Want to Play Dirty Games with Olivia.

Yes, my photoshopping skill level has officially hit "tilt." Well the moment we've all been waiting for is finally upon us. Nope, not world peace. I'm talking about the season premiere of The City. Within the first few minutes we really get to learn a lot about how this season will go.

First off, The Hills editing machine must have pieces of Spencer Pratt's Santa Pubes beard still stuck in it because the editing train has fallen off the tracks. We learn this when Whitney is basically dumped off at her desk on her first day of work and her new co-worker, Olivia Palermo, walks in. I know I'll get a lot of crap for this, but for now I'm sticking with my original thoughts on Olivia. She's hot. Sure she probably drips douche when she sweats, but I'm fine with that. Anyway, Whitney and Olivia have this cockamamie conversation like they're life long friends and not at all like they're awkward new co-workers. Olivia informs us of a party she's having on her roof, but at this point she hasn't invited Whitney. Perhaps she's never seen Whitney throw "air punches" in the Hollywood Hills? Watch out Palermo! The looks that Whitney and Olivia were giving each other looked like they were drawn in with comic-strip animation...or worse yet, Japanimation. Is that a real thing, by the way?

Whitey and her faux-boyfriend who I will only refer to as "Ozzy Bobby" grab a quick dinner in the Meat Packing District, which is right near my favorite NYC hotel, The Gannsevoort. Now that I know Whit and crew film near there I will be sure to raise my stalking alert system to "red."

As the episode progresses I start to miss Lauren Conrad and those lines under her eyes. I even miss her holiday mustache. It's not as fun watching Whitney say things like "thinkinK" and "keepinK" to other people. I feel like the child of divorced parents. I will try everything I can to get Whitney and Lauren back together on The Hills. I'll be thinkinK of a plan over the cominK season.

So does everyone know Olivia? And does everyone hate her? It seems like everyone knows her and is like "ugh" when they hear her name. I mean, I requested her as a friend on Myspace about 3 months ago and asked her if she wanted to answer some questions for IBBB. I mean, she never responded to me at all, but I'm sure she's nice, you know, like deep down inside. Like real deep. I'm talking deep.....like down near her vaginastein.

Is Whitney's roommate/friend, Erin, really that chick Kimberly who works for Heidi at Bolthouse? I think it is. Either that or she stole her bangs from the set of The Hills and is wearing them on the set of The City. I have to admit, I kinda like her. She seems real and I bet she drinks beer and swears a lot. She's my kind of girl.....even with Tyra Bank's bangs. By the way, the party at Olivia's roof looks like a living nightmare. Someone mentioned playing a game of "Fashion Trivia" and I swear to God I think I saw a white light and I tried to go into it. Alas, it was a glare from the TV and I bumped my head. Luckily I came to once the "dinner party from hell" was coming to a close. Although, I did think I heard Olivia ask Whitney 15 times why Ozzy Bobby wasn't there. Perhaps they filmed that scene over the course of 10 weeks.

Ugh. So they decided to air two episodes back to back. I'm already tired. Basically here's what went down in the second episode....

That dude, Alex, from The Hills episode had lunch with Whitney and spilled the scripted beans that Ozzy Bobby may have gone home with some d-bag named Danielle. Fast forward. Whitney confronts Ozzy Bobby and he denies they technically went home together, but only shared a cab. Have you ever been in a NYC cab? You can pretty much have sex, sit in the cab for nine months, and then give birth in the backseat of the cab and the cab driver won't say anything to you. Therefore, he technically doesn't have to "go home with her."

Later "the new friends gang" heads out to Tenjune and Alex is "randomly" there and by "randomly" I actually mean "planted." This is the same crap they used to pull with Lauren and Heidi in The Hills Season 3. Remember that awkward encounter at "Ketchup?"

Anyway, Ozzy Bobby and Alex get into an "F you" fight about rumors and blah and blah and everyone is trashed and blah and I kinda wish I was drunk too, but I'm giving my liver a break until New Years and blah. Meanwhile, Alex's roommate is almost on all fours whispering in Whitney's air about Ozzy Bobby, etc.

The fight was pretty fun to watch because I was sure that Alex's winter hat would go flying off his head once Ozzy Bobby cold-cocked him. Cold-cocked. That's a funny word. However, it took the most embarrassing turn when Alex ended the bitch-fight by saying, "I only have one thing to say. The truth will reveal itself." Really? That's like the "words of wisdom" that Whitney used to bestow upon Lauren. Did I mention I miss Lauren's mustache? Actually come to think of it didn't the actual Justin Bobby once say something about "truth and time" to Audrina and her teeth? Are they sharing from the same script?

Finally, Kelly CUNTrone stops on by to talk with Whitney and I officially take back every mean thing I've ever said about her. That crazy son-of-a-bitch is real and she keeps it real. Even Kelly seem shocked that Olivia had a job. Finally, someone said it! And I don't mean that against my future wife, Olivia, but for the majority of the cast that are making more money filming The City than actually working regular jobs. Also, I think Kelly brushed her hair, so that was a nice change of pace from The Hills.

In the end, I actually will say this show wasn't so bad. It's pretty much like The Hills from Season 2, when it seemed like it wasn't overly scripted but just slightly coached. And, Whitney actually seems like a good person (yes I just said that). I'm going to give this new show a shot and I suggest you do the same.

I would personally like to thank Adam DiVello for producing this show, as The Hills has changed my life, as well as Sean Travis and, of course, Liz Gately. I have seen these names flash by in the credits for the past 3 years of The Hills and now The City....so I feel that we should all be thanking/blaming Adam, Sean, and Liz. Thanks guys.

So what did you guys think??????


Thursday, December 25, 2008

Merry Christmas. Yeah, I Said It. Christmas.

IBBB would like to wish all of you a very safe, happy, and drunken Christmas. If you're reading this today you are probably not celebrating Christmas and, if so, good luck in hell. For those of you who aren't celebrating Christmas, Christmas is a special day in which Mother Mary and Joseph (who was really a plumber...the "carpenter" thing from the Bible was just misinterpreted) sailed on the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Maria in order to make it over to Plymouth Rock and trade in their cows for magic beans in which they could plant a magic beanstock that would grow up to the sky so that they could give birth to the baby Jesus on top of a cloud and cure global warming. It's a special day.

IBBB will be off for a few days, so in the meantime check out some of my other blogging friends who are much more committed than I am. Ole!

~ That Dude from Twilight Went to Super Cuts ~ ABH
~ Hef Traded Down ~ Websters
~ A Special Winehouse Vacation ~ CS
~ More of Heidi Montag's Rack ~ Ayyyy
~ POTP Hits Up Twitter ~ POTP
~ Lauren Conrad's Christmas Mustache ~ IDWYL
~ Drink Up a Little Ashlee Simpson ~ FB
~ A Britney Spears Christmas ~ BS

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

The Hills Season Finale: This Episode Has More Tears Than Audrina's Hoo-Ha After a Drunken Night in Palm Springs w/ Justin Bobby. Did I Cross a Line?

Wow. Season 4. Yup. Yeah, so. Er....uh. Hmmm. Yow. Eesh. Yuckeroo. Sorta at a loss for words. Lives were saved. Conflicts in the Middle East, resolved. Diseases cured. That'll wrap up the entire 4th season.

In what is the last The Hills Recap from IBBB of Season 4, let us dry our drunken eyes and come together as one. And by "one" I, of course, mean "a large group of tools." Hoe's perhaps? Be sure to check back at IBBB next week for the first recap of "The City." That's right. I'm selling out and recapping that too.

Here's what went down on the season finale (finally) of The Hills Season 4: Scripted Boogaloo:

  • Heidi is back to work at Crackhouse with Brent and Side-Bangs. She tells Brent of her weekend in Mexico and how she got married. Apparently, Brent lives in a powerless cave and didn't hear the news of the wedding. Heidi tells Brent it was the craziest thing she's ever done. Really? The craziest? The breast implants, not so crazy? The chin surgery, pretty tame? How about that time you got your lips done and you looked like your vagina was stapled to your face? No, that wasn't crazy either? Eh, ok.

  • Seriously? Justin Bobby is on a motorcycle with a sparkly silver helmet, overalls, handlebars that are about 5 feet above the motorcycle, and Audrina looks like she's sitting in stadium seating behind him. They could totally end the episode with this scene and I would be totally fine with it. Hell, end the entire series with this scene. Well worth it.

  • J Bob and Oddrina are out in Palm Springs celebrating their 5th on camera conversation together and J Bob pops the champagne and almost takes out Oddrina's two front teef. Justin Robert (Bobby) gives us all crazy eyes and calls Oddy "dude" about 10 times, but not before telling her that "she's in trouble now, dude." So to the young kids out there who found IBBB via "the Google" let me explain what J Bob meant by that. You see, J Bob is going to plow Audrina with the same force that the plow outside of your house, during this past weekends snow storm, caved in your driveway. And just when the plowing finally stops and you can catch your breath from shoveling it out, the plow comes (giggity) by again and dumps even more white stuff all over your private property. So, uh, we all caught up now? Cliff Notes: Audrina becomes a woman.

  • Yeah, so Darlene Montag and Steve Sanders are having a "stare-off" with each other before Heidi walks on to the set of her apartment. As a sidenote, is Steve Sanders beard starting to grow into his mouth?

  • When Darlene starts to cry, I immediately look for my passport so I can deny my citizenship. The only thing that makes me feel less embarrassed is by forcing myself to think of Darlene making sweet Crested Butte love to that damn horse that Heidi grew up with. That damn horse. He gets me every time. Sniff sniff.

  • Meanwhile, Justin Bobby and Audrina are having a romantic dinner and J Bob is dressed like that chimney sweeper from Mary Poppins. I'm trying not to make too many jokes as I have the same shirt and hat J Bob is sporting. If only I could get my mustache to connect to my chin beard, I could dress up as J Bob for Halloween. Maybe if I try to start growing it out now I'll be ready for next October. Oh, and by the way, Justin gave Oddy some sort of a ring that I'm pretty sure he vomited up from his stomach and out of his mouth. It looks like that silver sparkly pipe cleaner that your 3rd grade teacher would bring in for Arts and Crafts and force you to make reindeer antlers with during Christmas. You know, the one that you attached to the big wooden spoon. Anyone? Crickets. Anyway, that gift is the worst. Actually, you wanna know what gift is technically worse than that? I once gave someone I was dating some Christmas stuff because I wouldn't see them for the holiday. This consisted of a tree ornament with their name on it and a Christmas candle. Wanna know what I got in return? Dumped the next day. True story. No joke.

  • Fast forward to that "party" that Crackhouse is throwing. It's all black-tie and Sandy Sanders is there dressed like Macy Gray. Heidi and Side-Bangs are talking about the party and then say "Let's go look at the party." As the'yre walking through the party to look at the party they're actually saying, "Wow, look at this party." Wow. Kill me. For real. I won't press charges if you only paralyze me and not technically kill me.

  • Well, it's the moment we've all been waiting for since the end of Season 2. Heidi. And. Lauren. Are. About. To. Talk. Buckle up, bitches.

  • Er. Uh. Ouch. Awkward. Lauren and Heidi literally stare at each other for a good 10 seconds and Lauren says, "I hate this is awkward." It actually gets even more awkward because Lauren then rests her entire chin on her champagne glass. If Heidi did that the whole damn glass would have shattered, but I digress.

  • So who thinks this scene was scripted? Will you stop reading this if I say that I think the conversation is kinda real? I say this because typically when the scenes are scripted (99.98% of the time) Heidi is talking with her eyebrows pointed in and all of her sentences end with her sounding like she's asking a question. This time, however, Heidi gives us the "for-real-ugly-cry" when Lauren starts to ask Heidi about her mom (she should have asked about the horse too).

  • I also think this is kind of real because Heidi does admit that she does miss Lauren, but knows that their situation won't be changing any time soon. Oh, and the #1 reason why I think this may NOT have been scripted is because Heidi later asks Lauren if she's been "working out a lot." Yeah, no. She said that. Now there's a chance that she accidentally read one of Brody's lines to some chick at the bar, but Brody was not in this episode, so I pretty much am buying all the crap that these two dirt-bags are spewing out. Anyone with me?

  • Sidenote: Lauren and Heidi's conversation and interaction was very reminiscent of Season 1 and Season 2 when they actually talked without reading lines. Regardless, even if these two really hate each other why can't they just pretend to like each other for Season 5? While they're at it, I'd love in next season if they all acknowledge that they're on a television show. Eh, more on that at another time.

  • Back at Casa de Chin, Darlene and Steve Sanders have the same exact argument that they had earlier in the season. I'm over it.

  • Finally, in the end, Heidi, Steve, and Sandy Sanders arrive at the "City Hall" that looks like the same "City Hall" from The Brady Bunch. Sandy Sanders tries to talk some scripted sense into Steve Sanders about not getting married there and giving Heidi the wedding she really wanted...with her mom....blah blah blah. End scene.

  • Sweet! I'm pretty sure that the judge in the courtroom is Roz from "Night Court!" Hooray! I'm glad that Roz got work again!

  • Stop. The. Press. Heidi's middle name is "Blaire?" Like, "Blair" from "Facts of Life?" What a treat. I may have been typing when she said it, but I assume the judge called Steve Sanders by his full name too.....Steven Santa Pubes Sanders.

  • Steve Sanders never gets to say his "vows" because he wants to make sure that Heidi is ok and if she wants her mom there. Heidi cries again and her chin almost dislocates from her face and says she does, in fact, want her mom there....and her horse from Crested Butte....and her old chin (which is wrapped up on a Tiffany's box and placed in the Smithsonian Institute in Washington DC, along with a piece of the Berlin Wall). They don't get "legally" or "scriptedly" married and they all leave the court house.

Well, that's it, kids. Another season bites the dust and bites me in the ass. Until next time, I bid you a fond (and scripted) farewell. I thank you for sticking with IBBB week after week and day after day.

What did you all think of the season finale? What was fake? What was real? What should happen in Season 5?


Monday, December 22, 2008

...In Other News...

Douche Bags! They're Just Like Us!

I've always wondered what it would be like to write creepy comic-strip jokes in the Sunday paper. A normal Sunday paper would never hire me, so I've decided to write my own "Hills Comic Strip." Clearly I have a knack for cheesy jokes and, well, Heidi and Steve Sanders basically write this crap themselves.

IBBB can now check this off his list. Only 23,426 more things left to do!

I Remember When This Totally Did the Trick

IBBB remembers the days when Pam Anderson could do no wrong. I was a sophomore in high school and Baywatch was the closest thing to free porn one could find. Ah simpler days. Better times. Bad acne. I remember it well.

Well times they are a-changin'. Pam, as you all know, has hit the wall. Then she fell through it. Then an acme anvil fell on her. Then the Road Runner ran by and took a #2 on her. Sad, really.
Pammy Pants Anderson was spotted leaving Vegas and heading back to sunny Los Angeles over the weekend where she can show new strangers on the street her bum-bum and rack-a-doodle. I'm sure the good people of LA were missing it.

Why Hello There, Winter Weather!

Dear Mr. Snowstorm,

Hey there how are you? Yeah, I'm ok thanks for asking. I'm a little aggravated, actually. What is it about your snow that makes people act insane? No really, I'd like to know. Sure there's some white fluffy stuff, similar to cotton balls, falling from the sky but what is it about that that makes everyone drive like knives, fire, and newborn babies are falling from the sky? I was lucky enough to be driving behind a station wagon (apparently those still exist) and you would have thought this driver completely lost their steering wheel. I actually was hoping they were drunk and not driving this way because of the weather. This station wagon, that somehow turned itself into a runaway train, was all over the highway and they kept slamming on their breaks. Good move. I hear that when there is snow and ice on the ground nothing keeps your car in full control quite like slamming on the breaks. This was especially entertaining because there weren't any other cars in front of the "runaway train." On one occasion when I was forced to slam on my break and pray to my sweet Jesus not to have me go face first through the windshield, I got close enough to the said station wagon to notice that this car has traveled all the way from Idaho. That explains it. Thanks Idaho, your state is borderline pointless!

Moving on, I made it to my destination after watching about 10 other cars fishtail all over the highway and just needed to find a place to park. Simple, right? Yeah, no. Apparently when there's snow on the ground, especially in a parking lot, people forget where the parking lines are. Yup, I guess the lime green Volkswagen Beetle thinks it's an 18-wheeler and parked in about 3 spaces. No joke, at one point I think the car was parked horizontally. I won't lie and say I didn't say a quick prayer that I would end up passing this car hours later and see it all ablaze and in a ditch on the side of the highway. Fingers crossed.

So in the end I found a place to park, called a cab to pick me up from my parking space, and even breezed by the freakshow ringing the bell and asking for spare change. Who carries around "spare change" anymore? Is this 1989? I didn't even know they made "change" anymore.

Perhaps though, my personal favorite, is sitting home and seeing constant coverage of the snow storm on the news. Oh and by "constant coverage" I really do mean "constant coverage." It is definitely important to interview that person who is heading off to the supermarket to get their last minute food because God forbid they can't stuff their fat faces with Twinkies and brownies for a full 24-hrs. They could possibly die from lack from junk food during a snowstorm.

Ahhhh Mr Snowstorm, you really bring out the best in me. You make me pray negative prayers and think negative thoughts, yet you somehow forced me to remember that both spare change and Idaho are two things that are still in existence. Thank you for reminding me. It's times like these that really make me yearn for the days of hearing that perfect stranger say to me, "Hot enough for ya?!"

Luke-Warm Regards,

12 Days of a Harriet Carter Christmas: On the 12th Day of Christmas...

On the 12th Day of Christmas, my white-trash love gave to me 12 Windshield Smashers,

~ And a Failure Model Chick in a Pear Treeeeeee!

On the 12th Day of Christmas: Do you ever like to just destroy things just for the hell of it? Well so does this lady! Does getting out of the car by simply pulling the handle seem a little "boring" to you. Me too! Thanks again Harriet Carter! Now getting out of the car doesn't have to be so old-fashioned anymore. All you need to do is use this trusty little tool. First, pull into your driveway. Second, take this tool and use the razor end to slice the seat belt off of you (don't just press the buckle like an animal). Third, take the other end of this tool and break the window. Finally, shimmy yourself out the window and through the broken glass. Don't worry about the cuts and blood. That's nothing the hospital can't quickly fix! In just 4 short hours you'll be back home and watching TV sipping on water and popping Vicodin. Ok, so maybe I could think of a reason why you would need something like this, but this lady totally is safe. I mean, there aren't any flames, her car isn't smoking, she hasn't been in a crash, it's a sunny day, and I think I see kids playing hopscotch in the background.

...and a Failure Model Chick in a Pear Treeeeeeee!


Friday, December 19, 2008

...In Other News...

Well look what the Brenda Walsh dragged in. Brenda was out looking to catch Kelly and Dylan in the act at the 10th Anniversary of Flaunt Magazine. In other news...

~ Mmmmm Cheeseburger Cologne! ~ ABH
~ I Hope Santa Craps in Heidi and Spencer's Stocking ~ Websters
~ Buy Scar Jo's Nasty Snot Rags ~ CS
~ Britney's New Boyfriend? ~ BS
~ Kristen Bell is Shiny...Everywhere ~ Ayyyy
~ Is Lohan's Hair Falling Down? ~ POTP
~ Alyssa Milano Stole Tyra Banks' Weave ~ IDWYL
~ Eddie Murphy to Ruin Batman Movies? ~ FB


Lollipops and Gummi Bears are My Favorite Treat....

Me gusta all things Full House. I also "gusta" when IBBB readers basically do my job for me. It helps on days in which I am both hungover and not hungover. So let's mix both of those things together and watch my favorite sister and yours, DJ Tanner sing "Lollipops and Gummi Bears are My Favorite Treat" to her little d-bag troll-like sister, Michelle Tanner.

Who could forget all the wonder that was the "We Love Our Children Telethon" that ran for 24 hours and was hosted by Danny Tanner? Not only are we blessed with DJ's magical voice (bonus 'workout' points for DJ lifting Michelle and doing a little hop-dance), but we also get to see Kimmy Gibbler on a unicycle and Uncle Joey help the Beach Boys and the San Francisco 49'er cheerleaders sing "Be True to Your School." I can offically take a dirt nap now that I've remembered all those details.

Thanks to Lisa D for the clip!

This Time Last Year: Terri Irwin Almost Cameltoe

Happy Friday. Let's take a look into what IBBB was blogging about this time last year....

Ah Terri Irwin. Terri, Terri, Terri. What's going on? You good? Similar to a school boy trying to hide an "issue" with his math book, Terri is hiding a bit of her jungle outback cameltoe. Sure the jungle and the outback are two separate locations, but I don't care. Regardless and/or irregardless, a little jungle outback cameltoe is peeking out from behind that book. Therefore, it's time to play everyones favorite game, "The ImBringingBloggingBack Celebrity Cameltoe Rating System...to the Stars!" I am awarding Terri Irwin 1 out of 5 camels. If only she was holding that book a little higher she would have been good for at least 2 camels. Maybe next time, Terri.

I am also awarding Terri one Koala Bear, as she is sporting some high waisted Mom Jeans and looking as sexy as all get out. Is Terri Irwin the new Marge Simpson? Does she have anything else to wear? I always see her with that same sexy khaki shirt on. We get it. Now put on something to highlight your rack. Also, it may be time to retire the stonewashed jeans. Take some scissors on that bowl-cut mullet and stop with the bench press for Christ sakes. Now get your ass back on the market. I hear Walter Cronkite is looking for someone. Give him a buzz.
Oh, and you're welcome.

Check out other famed celebrity camel toe at the new IBBB and some good old fashion ghost boobs whilst you're at it!


Thursday, December 18, 2008

12 Days of a Harriet Carter Christmas: On the 11th Day of Christmas....

On the 11th Day of Christmas my white-trash love gave to me, 11 Santa Toilets, 10 Colonial Drivers, 9 Dead Nana's, 8 Santa Blowers, 7 Ornament Hookers, 6 Crappy Church Jokes, 5 Instant Christmas Tree Wall Stickers, 4 "Diva Las Vegas" Whorebears, 3 Magnetic Eyeglass Holders, 2 Pussy Ticklers, and a Failure Model Chick in a pear tree!

On the 11th Day of Christmas: Hey kids! Know what Santa just LOVES?? That's right...when you piss and shit right on his head! I know! Don't ever bother lifting the toilet seat because now you can spray your urine all over his face...just like you did at the mall that time. Santa knows then you are sleeping and knows when you're awake. Oh, he also knows when you've had one too many bourbons, ate a little too much Mexican, are having your period, or even binging and purging. Yes, my friends, Santa does know it all. Santa will love it when he risks his life by jumping down your chimney, almost gets food poisoning by your day old milk that's been sitting out all night, chokes on your carrots, drops off all your gifts and THEN sees the wonderful tribute you've left him in the bathroom. He'll feel really special that you equate Santa Claus with urine, crap, and other bodily fluids. Good luck getting gifts next year, stupid. Happy whoridays, Harriet!

2015 - 2016 Mens Fashion Trends, Style and Tips
Pappy Van Winkle Reviews and Where to Buy in 2015
Best Sunglasses for Spring/Summer 2015
Best Blazers and Sports Coats for Men
The Best People of Walmart

Eck! How Drunk is Suri!

Seriously, what a mess! I mean, how drunk is Suri!? Tom Cruise may be all over the place promoting the ever loving piss out of his new movie, "Hitler Was Just Misunderstood" but he should be tackling some family issues, stat. These family issues are, of course, Suri being a fall down drunk. Look at her! She's so trashed she has to be carried out of Katie Holmes play, "All My Sons." And did you ever notice how Suri seems to slur all of her words all of the time? Even Katie is forced to carry Suri's brown paper bag of wine. Someone get Suri the help she needs and get her the help now! Is there a height restriction to checking into Promises Rehab?


Who Will Get Custody of Mr. Bear?

Oh Sweetin. Oh my little Sweetin. My little Sweetin, poor Sweetin, I'd love to brush that meth out of your hair.

Jodie Sweetin is totally trying to ruin my dream of her getting her own reality show and/or taking part in a future Full House reunion. Poor Stephanie Tanner is not allowed to see her 8-month old daughter without the supervision of one of her parents (Danny Tanner?). This is all thanks to her husband, Cody Herpes, who told a judge that Steponme Tanner is an unfit mother and even drove drunk one time with her daughter in the car. Is that a big deal? Haven't we all been in the car with our drunk parents before? How else were we supposed to get to school?

I just hope that Mr Bear is never in harms way.

Well pin a rose on your nose. How rude! Have mercy! Cut it out! You got it dude! Well blow me down arg arg arg arg arg! Whoa baby! Hola Tanneritos!

Source It Up!


12 Days of a Harriet Carter Christmas: On the 10th Day of Christmas...

On the 10th Day of Christmas, my white-trash love gave to me 10 Colonial Drivers, 9 Dead Nana's, 8 Santa Blowers, 7 Ornament Hookers, 6 Crappy Church Jokes, 5 Instant Christmas Tree Wall Stickers, 4 "Diva Las Vegas" Whorebears, 3 Magnetic Eyeglass Holders, 2 Pussy Ticklers, and a Failure Model Chick in a pear tree!

On the 10th Day of Christmas: Hey there grumpy driver! Why the long face? What is it? What do you see girl? Is that yellow lightning bolt that's coming out of your cheek starting to burn? Or are you embarrassed by the yellow arrow that they've placed 2 centimeters from your old crotchola? I like to think that I've been in many cars, yet at no time did the seat-belt go across half my face. I mean I understand them trying to protect other drivers lives by not showing all of this chicks ugly face, but strike her with lightning? That's a little harsh even for me. Just kidding, hit her with a bolt or two. Maybe that will sizzle out that hairsprayed rats nest on her head. Anyway, what kind of car is this chick driving? I've yet to see this car model on the road. Perhaps it's one of those new hybrids that all the kids are wild about? It seems spacious. In fact I'm pretty sure this lady is driving her living-room around town. Yup, I see walls in the background. Oh, and I'm pretty sure she's using an actual Ferris-wheel as her steering wheel. How the hell big is that? Seriously this lady and car are a complete mess. Wait a second. Excuse me Miss? Yes, you Miss. Driver? Yes you. I have a question. Um, why are you wearing "Colonial" clothing? Yes, you are actually wearing clothes from the "yesteryear" box in your basement. Now were you the actual "Miracle Worker" that helped out Helen Keller or did you just rob her grave for this photo-shoot? I believe you can only wear that outfit if you're driving a traditional horse and buggy. Wait are you? Thanks Harriet for "cheaping out" and making this chick drive her living room around in Amish clothing.

...and a Failure Model Chick in a pear treeeeeee!


Wednesday, December 17, 2008

...In Other News...

~ What the Hell is Happening in Australia?? ~ ABH
~ Even More Hills Fakery ~ Websters
~ Who is Time Magazine's Person of the Year? ~ CS
~ Who's Willing to Kill Winehouse's Dealer? ~ FB
~ Which Celebrity Looks Like a Drunk Fighter? ~ Ayyyy
~ Ain't No Party Like a Diddy Party ~ POTP
~ Kristin Cavallari to Do Porny Pornerson? ~ IDWYL
~ Lohan's See-Thru Pants! ~ DSF
~ Saint Jennifer Lopez de las Bronx Back on the Mercado? ~ BS


Is Drew Carey Dead Inside?

On the Price is Right, this old dude not only one his Showcase Showdown, but he also won the other chicks Showcase Showdown because he guessed the price of his prizes exactly right. Down to the last dollar! Seriously, who does that? Drew Carey reacts like this guy only won a year supply of Rice-A-Roni (the San Francisco treat).
This begs the question, is Drew Carey dead inside?


Fun With Lindsay Lohan's Myspace Blog: Happy HOliday's Edition!

To freshen up the stale stank around here, IBBB is bringing back a new segment tentatively titled, "Fun With Lindsay Lohan's Myspace Blog!" Catchy. When Lindsay No Pants blogs on her Myspace account people not only listen and comment, but all the freaks come out of the woodwork. The other day Lindsay wanted everyone to know what she got Sam Rotten for a gift.

Below are some of my favorite comments to Lindsay.....with my thoughts underneath theirs. Good times:

~ Uh, they're not married yet so "no." Possibly one of my top favorite responses to Lohan.

~ Hey Emily! is this. your fave show. for real? Stop lying about watching all of them and then coming clean that you've only seen a lot. i also think you should get off of the myspace and focus on your studies.

~ But if you kill yourself who will send messages to Linds with "S" smiley faces? Fine, I'll do it. Carry on. Disclaimer: Kids, don't try that at home.

~ Yeah Hannah! And a huge bucket of greasy chicken! Mmmm late night movies and fried chicken. This, my friends is my 50% of Americans are obese. Please note, all percentages are based on opinion.

~ Yay! More funny messages! If only the person who posted below this person also was sending a fake message.......(see below)

~ Wow! Look who actually made the post list this time. And what a brilliant question to ask. I've always wondered if the "Friends" were really friends. I hope Linds answers. Oh, and how hot is IBBB? Wow. Grrrrrrreat! Please note I am totally a loser for posting that message and even more of a loser that I was so psyched when I saw it posted. My life is empty. Carry on.

~ Well thanks, Ms. LauRen, for being a complete downer. If talent really was only genetic then Dina Lohan would be in actual TV shows instead of dancing in reality shows during "Las Vegas Week." Although, Nana Lohan is the talent in that family. It's all a wash.

~ hahaah oh my God you were? hahahahaha I totally hope they kick it in the bay area hahahaha. Everythang it mellow there I bet hahaha. love u oRgaZmik pNay hahahahah.

You Take the Good, You Take the Bad....then You Mix it Together and Get Mindy Cohn.....the Fact's of Life....the Fact's of Life....

People may want to quickly make fun of Mindy Cohn for packing on the pounds, but don't bother. She's fine with it. If you all recall (that rhymed), when Mindy was playing Natalie Green, she once brilliantly said, "Who wants to be a skinny pencil. I'm happy being a magic marker!" I'm sure Blair was two toothbrushes deep over the toilet while Natalie was spreading that piece of joy around Peekskill.

Mindy Cohn was getting a little exercise whist walking around Brentwood, CA the other day. Or maybe she was running errands. I have no idea. She's wearing "gym clothes" so I just assumed.

I'm glad we live in a world where the paparazzi are taking pictures of Mindy Cohn. I'm glad we live in a world where IBBB blogs about it. I'm glad we live in a world. Period.

Sidenote: Favorite Fact's of Life Episode --> The one where Tootie is tired of being treated like a little kid so she turns to alcohol.

Sidenote: Least Favorite Fact's of Life Episode --> The one where Natalie becomes depressed when she becomes a victim of a rape attempt. I was a little too young to even know what sex was, but I was still bummed out.

Sidenote: Random Fact's of Life Memory --> Pippa from the "Down Under" episodes. My sister's friend, Ang, called her a whore.


The Hills Season Finale Preview. Yeah That's Right, I'm Posting It.

It must be me just getting a little nostalgic that The Hills is coming to an end so I feel the need to cram in all things "Hills" related before the season finale. Hopefully you will all stick with me even whilst The Hills is off the air, but mostly because you know I'll be recapping the piss out of The City. See? You're all trapped like rats now!
Anyfinale, enjoy the season finale preview and watch Darlene Montag show her horse-life qualities. Enjoy Lauren looking like she's about to pass out when she touches/hugs Heidi. Be there for the court-house drama that you know will go down when Heidi and Steve Sanders make their marriage legal. Personally, I'm hoping that Heidi's horse from Crested Butte storm into the court-house and puts a stop to this marriage. Finally, enjoy Audrina riding into the sunset with Justin Bobby and her helmet, that I sorta think she should wear full time.

Any Chance This Was the Dress Lauren Conrad Wanted To Be Buried In, According to Her Will?

Lauren Conrad, dressed like she's going to the funeral of Spencer Pratt, was all smiles while attending the Dolce & Gabana opening night benefit for the Art Elysium. I don't really care what any of that means. Point being, LC looks like a widow.

I forgot to mention this during yesterday's Hills recap, but do you think Lauren was more upset over the fact that her friend, Whitney, was moving to New York City, or the fact that just about everyone in Lauren's life bails on her. Jason Wahler. Brody Jenner. Heidi Montag. Audrina (every now and then). Jen Bunney (R.I.P --where has she been?). Lo (at one point). Stephen Colletti. Kristin Cavallari. LC's parents (sold their home). And now, Whitney. I'm sure if The Hills stays on for a few more seasons, there's bound to be another 5-10 people who peace out of Lauren's life. Eh, here's to wishful thinking.


Get Ready for the Layup Joke of the Day....

Heading out to LAX yesterday, Samantha Ronson gets ready to show Lindsay Lohan her box.

Stop me if you heard this before! Tip your waitress!

12 Days of a Harriet Carter Christmas: On the 9th Day of Christmas...

On the 9th Day of Christmas, my white-trash love gave to me, 9 Dead Nana's, 8 Santa Blowers, 7 Ornament Hookers, 6 Crappy Church Jokes, 5 Instant Christmas Tree Wall Stickers, 4 "Diva Las Vegas" Whorebears, 3 Magnetic Eyeglass Holders, 2 Pussy Ticklers, and a Failure Model Chick in a pear tree!

On the 9th Day of Christmas: Night night Nana! Say goodnight to Grandma, kids! She's just about ready to take the ultimate dirt nap so you better kiss her hairy lip goodbye now. At least she looks happy to be going and she has a smile and a face full of makeup on to prove it. Just keep zipping it Nana, just keep zipping it! Kids, go and pick out your best tie and your best dress and shine up them shoes because Nana just invited you to a party! No no, there won't be a pinata or pin-the-tail on the donkey, but there will be coffee cake, some candles, and you'll get to poke at Nana while she's laying down inside a very fancy cherry coffin. "Yes" that is a nice cherry finish on the coffin. Nothing but the best for Nana! Seriously, way to teach kids how to place bags over their heads and faces. Don't try this at home....unless you're out of options...then give it a whirl. Night night Nana! I'll be in touch via my Ouija Board!

...and a Failure Model Chick in a pear treeeee!


Tuesday, December 16, 2008

The Hills Recap: Heidi and Spencer Get Married in Mexico Right After Heidi Gets Faux-Drunk and Says Every Stereotypical Spanish Word She Knows. Ole!

Well folks, we are down to just one more Hills episode of the season after this one. I'm not going to lie, I kinda feel like I'm getting out of prison next week. Of course, after prison I do have 100 hours of community service I must fulfill which consists of me recapping "The City" but at least I'm not behind bars.
By the way, is it just me or was this episode of The Hills only about 15 minutes of footage, 6 minutes of intros into The Aftershow, and the rest of the time was commercials about The City and Bromance? Eh, better for me.
  • Welcome to Mexico, Steve Sanders and Heidi! I hope you got your tetanus shots and have some spare change to give to the little kids who try to sell you multi-packs of Chiclets outside of your hotel in the middle of the night because it's going to be a loooong vacation. Oh, and did anyone else notice that when Heidi got out of the van at the hotel she had two of the same exact sun-hats stacked on top of each other? The props department will never learn.

  • Whitney gets the call at Pubic Revolution that she got the job at Diane Van Fartenburp and makes silly faces while Lauren does that stupid little baby-girl voice and Cheshire Cat smile. I will truly miss these times and by "truly miss" I, of course, mean "will black-out forever."

  • Meanwhile back at Hotel de Montezuma's Revenge in Mexico, Heidi and Steve Sanders literally try to film a romantic scene with Heidi pouring champagne and doing her best French accent. Yes, French. Only moments from now will she turn that French accent into stereotypical Spanish. However, in the meantime, while they are legit saying how "romantic this is" you can actually hear club music in the background and people chanting "ho ho ho ho" on the beach behind them which leads me to believe there is totally a wet t-shirt contest going on in the background and you know, you KNOW, Audrina is out there while Justin Bobby is throwing buckets of water on her chest and filming clips of it for YouTube. I'm pretty sure that's not a sailboat going by way in the distance, it's just Audrina smiling. Bam!

  • Where the hell does Audrina live, by the way? The front door is in like an alley and it kind of looks like the front of a convent. Sandy Sanders swings by Audrina's because apparently these two are friends now...or there are no other cast members around to film scenes with today. Sandy is all freaked out that no one can find out where Heidi and Spencer are. No one? Really? I don't know, maybe check Perez or Us Weekly? Just a thought. I mean, there's paparazzi following them everywhere so maybe check one of those 3,000 sources. Justin Bobby does come up with a brilliant idea, however, in order to find them.....putting up signs. J Bob is the Ricky Ricardo of our generation.

  • FOR ALL THAT IS PURE AND HOLY IN THIS WORLD! What in the holy hell are Heidi and Steve Sanders doing? Taking shots of Patron? Dancing with their shoulders? I'm turning red and definitely suffering from secondhand embarrassment. Heidi kinda swings her hand across her forehead and yells "yo!" all whilst Steve Sanders shoulder dances to some Spanish music. Everyone kill yourselves....but me first.

  • Heidi lets us know that she was paying attention during her 6th grade Spanish class by saying the following phrases during her "faux-drinking" with Steve Sanders: Arriba, Loco en la Cabeza, and "Jose." Although at one point she says, "I think I've had one to many Patron shots" in a Jamaican accent. No joke, it was Jamaican. Why didn't someone yell "Cut!" and make her do it again.

  • I'm about to do two things right now. 1. I will comment on the number of times that Whitney fixed her headband during her going away party (15 times). 2. I'm going to say that I actually feel like Whitney is a really good person who comes from a great family. There, I said it. I don't care that you'll all judge me on that. I think her parents are actually proud of her that she's doing an actual job and not just floating on the success of The Hills like Audrina and LOser...and Sandy Sanders.....and Lauren....and Heidi....and Steve Sanders....and Justin Bobby....and Nana Pratt (that whore).

  • Ok, back to Cabo. I think Heidi just chugged some champagne and then ate a lime. Nice try, you tricky little skank. Steve Sanders keeps on saying that they can have a secret wedding and no one will have to know. No one? Well, I know about it. Wanna know how I know? Because I'm watching The Hills...and you're on it. Oh and Us Weekly is literally standing next to you with a camera crew who is standing next to MTV who is also filming this. Oh, and then you tipped off Perez Hilton, so I know about your secret wedding from that too.

  • Time to say peace out to Whitney! Whitney is nervous about moving to New York because she's not sure how to go grocery shopping in the city. Sure, that's a normal concern. Just do what everyone else does and walk to the grocery store in the middle of the night to pick up a few things and walk them back to your apartment one at a time. Oh, and bring your rape whistle. Best wishes Whitney! See you over at The City! I miss you already! I barely know what I'm doinK without you on The Hills.

  • Finally, for some reason we skip to the day after the actual wedding. Why are we only watching the footage of the wedding off of Steve Sanders video camera that has some fancy boom-mic attached to it?

  • Wait a second. Stop. Stop everything. Stop it all. Stop now. Stop. I thought they were "so drunk" from too much tequila and got married at night? Night? The video is showing them outside and it is either morning or afternoon. So they weren't so much doing this based off of a drunk decision, but more so just possibly a little hungover. I feel tricked. I assumed that they were hammered when they literally got married and that they would go the route of the "Friends" episode in which they could get an annulment. However, if they were not drunk, no annulment. We can all learn a lot from "Friends."

  • I now pronounce you Mr and Mrs. Jose Pratt-Patron. You may kiss the bride's chin.

Next week we get to see Darlene Montag cry it up again at Case de Chin. Lauren and Heidi reunite and even from the 4 seconds of scenes that they showed Lauren looks like she is being held up at gun-point talking to Heidi and hugging Heidi. We also get to see Heidi and Steve Sanders go to the local courthouse to make the marriage official. You totally know that someone is busting into that wedding to stop it.

What did you guys think of this episode? And, more importantly, who tried to take their own life during the show? Come on, it's ok. You can tell me.

Ok, so time to get caught up on all things that The Hills has to offer. From a wonderful Hills Recap to what Heidi and the gang are scriptedly up to. Check it out at the new ImBringingBloggingBack.com.

12 Days of a Harriet Carter Christmas: On the 8th Day of Christmas....

On the 8th Day of Christmas, my white-trash love gave to me 8 Santa Blowers, 7 Ornament Hookers, 6 Crappy Church Jokes, 5 Instant Christmas Tree Wall Stickers, 4 "Diva Las Vegas" Whorebears, 3 Magnetic Eyeglass Holders, 2 Pussy Ticklers, and a Failure Model Chick in a pear tree!

On the 8th Day of Christmas: Hey Billy! Why don't you come downstairs and blow Santa? Yes, Santa Claus. Uh-uh. Blow him. Billy is in full blowing position, that little minx. I'm pretty sure at any moment Chris Hanson from "To Catch a Predator" is going to pop out from behind that tree and ask someone to pull a chair for a second because he has a few questions. Gross. Anyway, I say this actually does send the right message to kids. You know what doesn't get you as far in life as you'd think it would? Studying hard, that's what. Basically, once you finish college you realize what a complete shit-pit the world is and the only people who really ever make anything of themselves are those who blow their way to the top. Example: Lohan's. Little Billy needs to learn this lesson now. Time to get on your knees Billy because it's a shitty economy out there and everyone is competing for the same 2 jobs. So start blowing. Practicing on Santa is perfectly fine because since we're in a recession the only way Santa is going to be able to bring your Huffy is if you do a little $2 dollar sucky sucky on him. It's a fact. Oh and good luck getting any money from the Tooth Fairy. The only way she'll even consider giving you a dime is if you start playing the "alphabet game" on her little fairy "gentlemen greeter." Don't stop after you've reached "K." Trust me. The rest of the alphabet is a real crowd pleaser. Ok. I'm not kidding, I don't even remember what the Harriet Carter product is at this point. I've hit a new low. Sweet!

...and a Failure Model Chick in a pear treeeeeee!


Monday, December 15, 2008

...In Other News...

We get it, Katy Perry. We get it. We do. No more is needed. In other news...

~ Diddy is a Girl Genius! ~ ABH
~ I Always Thought Tara Reid was Just Misunderstood ~ Websters
~ Does Sharon Osbourne Need Charm School? ~ CS
~ Celebrity Santa Puzzle ~ Ayyyy
~ Lauren and Lo. That's All. ~ POTP
~ Kim Kardashian is Off Coke and Onto Pepsi. See What I Did There? ~ IDWYL
~ Audrina in a Bikini...or an Oddrini? Nope. ~ FB
~ Lindsay May Get Into Your Car Next ~ DSF
~ Stuffed Anderson ~ Yeeeah
~ Edited Alba? ~ ND


DJ Tanner is FINALLY Ready for Kathy Santone's Pool Party!

I'm not sure what's going on, but I'm pretty sure that all the work that I've been putting into practicing all the rules of the book "The Secret" are finally paying off because all things "Full House" are starting to manifest its way back into my life. Praise "The Secret!"

Candace Cameron (aka Donna Jo Tanner) is on the cover of the latest Us Weekly talking about losing weight and being a hot mom of 3 (Nicky, Alex, and Michelle?).

Candace talks about her new weight of 110 pounds and the pressure she put on herself to lose weight during her days on the set of Full House. You'll have to actually buy the issue of Us Weekly to get an inside look on the diet that DJ Tanner follows, but I can give you a heads up on what she's eating.....
If you all remember correctly, when DJ Tanner wasn't eating for 3 days so she could fit into a bikini for Kathy Santone's pool party and Stephanie Tanner ratted her out to Danny, Jesse, Joey, and Becky, the shit really hit the fan. Uncle Jesse, naturally, told her to "sit down and eat a sandwich right now" but Aunt Becky held a little one-on-one talk with DJ. It was here where we learn of what DJ can eat, according to Aunt Becky. This diet consists of: Chicken and fish with veggies. So, I'm pretty sure this is how Candace Cameron lost the 22 pounds. Correct me if I'm wrong.

Marisa Miller is the Way Your Monday Should Start...or Your Saturday Night Should End. Either Way, Enjoy.

Me gusta Marisa Miller. I would please like more of Marisa Miller. If there's a way we can somehow add her to The Hills and or a Harriet Carter catalog, my life would be complete. I mean, I still wouldn't have any morals or values, but it would be complete.

Marisa Miller was all hot smiles and wonderfully skanky poses at Spike TV's 2008 Video Game Awards over the weekend. Why do I feel like the kind of guy that Marissa Miller is into does not, in fact, play video games. I bet she likes a guy who blogs. Yeah, blogs. Totally.

Celebrities are Just Like Us! They Can Smoke in the Airport!

The 2 visions of pure beauty, Lindsay No Pants and Samantha Rotten are back from their tour of the cultural country called Miami. Linds and Sam were in Miami because Sam had to DJ (not Tanner) an event, but just 16 hours later they were heading back to Los Angeles. What a treat. Sam, of course, was dressed in her traditional Freddie Kruger sweater, which you know must have ring-around-the-collar by now. And Lindsay sported the same black leggings that must smell like a cat who's recently been run over by a 16-seat yellow school bus and left for dead on the side of the road during a summer rain storm.

Kanye West Sings on Saturday Night Live the Same Exact Way I Would Sing on Saturday Night Live

Yow and yowza! So who got the privilege of seeing Kanye West ruin music on Saturday Night Live over the weekend? I did! I did! This is basically how I would sound if I were to sing in public, which now assures me that I clearly have what it takes to break into the music industry and take Motown by storm!

Kayne, of course, is getting a lot of crap for how horrific he performed, but if we all stop and think about it, even listening to "Love Lockdown" on the radio doesn't really sound that great either. It was a little pitchy, dog. But don't get me wrong, while Kanye appears to be an ass, I'm actually a huge fan of his music and, particularly, Love Lockdown. I actually just downloaded "All Falls Down" on iTunes, so even butchering music can still make Kanye money.


Whose Italian Grandmother Threw Their Shoe at President Bush?

Seriously? A shoe? Really? Why not just try to bitch slap him with a white dinner glove?

President Bush made a surprise farewell visit to Baghdad over the weekend and whilst giving, what I can only assume was, a very articulate speech an angry man stood up and threw his shoe at the President. Luckily it didn't hit Bush as he smiled and held up his hand, doing his best "Stop in the name of love" impression.

I'm surprised the man who threw the shoe didn't go into full "Italian grandmother" mode and chase President Bush around the podium with his slipper and/or a rolling pin. Toss in a few rollers in his hair, a bathrobe, and a cup of coffee and you've got yourself a complete 1960's sitcom. To the moon, Bush!

12 Days of Harriet Carter Christmas: On the 7th Day of Christmas...

On the 7th Day of Christmas, my white-trash love gave to me 7 Ornament Hookers, 6 Crappy Church Jokes, 5 Instant Christmas Tree Wall Stickers, 4 "Diva Las Vegas" Whorebears, 3 Magnetic Eyeglass Holders, 2 Pussy Ticklers, and a Failure Model Chick in a pear tree!

On the 7th Day of Christmas: Does decorating your Christmas tree typically seem like it just goes too fast? Do you want to slow down the decorating process by about 46 hours? Well, you're in luck because now you can put your fishing skills to use by placing each ornament on your Christmas tree with what appears to be a fishing rod. After you carefully hang the ornament on the end of your Christmas Rod, simply find the branch you want (watch that shaking hand and trembling arm) and slowly, very slowly, place that beautiful gold ornament (from Walgreens) on the branch. It doesn't matter you can barely see the branch from where you're standing or the fact that the ornament keeps sliding off the branch. Just keep trying. After you've attempted this a minimum of 29 times, try another branch and repeat the process. For extra family time fun, give this Christmas Rod to Grandma who's suffering from Parkinson's. You and the kids will be squealing with delight by watching Grandma fumble through and entire box of ornaments! Don't worry about the broken ones that smashed off the ground, the new puppy can lick that up! Ho-ho-huh?

...and a Failure Model Chick in a pear treeeeeee!


Friday, December 12, 2008

Lindsay Lohan and the Case of the Holiday Ghost Boobs

It's been a while since we've been graced with celebrity ghost boobs, but finally the one to bring back that hip style is none other than Ms. Lindsay No Pants. Linds, who must be stealing Samantha Rotten's Freddie Kruger jackets, was leaving el doctor in Beverly Hills (90210) yesterday afternoon when the mix of natural lighting, camera flashes, and cheap black shirt material provided us with the classic ghost boob look that we've all come to love. Frightful, Lindsay. Frightful.

In other Lohan news, apparently her multicolored leggings line is "all the rage" with "the kids" and has been flying off the shelves. Flying, running, same thing. Lindsay's freckleless leggings are selling for $45-$132 a pair. So, kids, update your letters to Santa because in today's tough fiscal climate, you're dirt-bag parents are going to have any extra money so that you can live up to all that is "Lindsay Lohan." Merry Holiday!

Oh, and PS, of course someone stole my "ghost boobs" idea and created http://www.ghostboobs.com/. Oh, and they even used 2 of my own ghost boob created photos. That is not my site....just my ideas. Jerks.