Tuesday, December 16, 2008

12 Days of a Harriet Carter Christmas: On the 8th Day of Christmas....

On the 8th Day of Christmas, my white-trash love gave to me 8 Santa Blowers, 7 Ornament Hookers, 6 Crappy Church Jokes, 5 Instant Christmas Tree Wall Stickers, 4 "Diva Las Vegas" Whorebears, 3 Magnetic Eyeglass Holders, 2 Pussy Ticklers, and a Failure Model Chick in a pear tree!

On the 8th Day of Christmas: Hey Billy! Why don't you come downstairs and blow Santa? Yes, Santa Claus. Uh-uh. Blow him. Billy is in full blowing position, that little minx. I'm pretty sure at any moment Chris Hanson from "To Catch a Predator" is going to pop out from behind that tree and ask someone to pull a chair for a second because he has a few questions. Gross. Anyway, I say this actually does send the right message to kids. You know what doesn't get you as far in life as you'd think it would? Studying hard, that's what. Basically, once you finish college you realize what a complete shit-pit the world is and the only people who really ever make anything of themselves are those who blow their way to the top. Example: Lohan's. Little Billy needs to learn this lesson now. Time to get on your knees Billy because it's a shitty economy out there and everyone is competing for the same 2 jobs. So start blowing. Practicing on Santa is perfectly fine because since we're in a recession the only way Santa is going to be able to bring your Huffy is if you do a little $2 dollar sucky sucky on him. It's a fact. Oh and good luck getting any money from the Tooth Fairy. The only way she'll even consider giving you a dime is if you start playing the "alphabet game" on her little fairy "gentlemen greeter." Don't stop after you've reached "K." Trust me. The rest of the alphabet is a real crowd pleaser. Ok. I'm not kidding, I don't even remember what the Harriet Carter product is at this point. I've hit a new low. Sweet!

...and a Failure Model Chick in a pear treeeeeee!


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