Tuesday, December 16, 2008

The Hills Recap: Heidi and Spencer Get Married in Mexico Right After Heidi Gets Faux-Drunk and Says Every Stereotypical Spanish Word She Knows. Ole!

Well folks, we are down to just one more Hills episode of the season after this one. I'm not going to lie, I kinda feel like I'm getting out of prison next week. Of course, after prison I do have 100 hours of community service I must fulfill which consists of me recapping "The City" but at least I'm not behind bars.
By the way, is it just me or was this episode of The Hills only about 15 minutes of footage, 6 minutes of intros into The Aftershow, and the rest of the time was commercials about The City and Bromance? Eh, better for me.
  • Welcome to Mexico, Steve Sanders and Heidi! I hope you got your tetanus shots and have some spare change to give to the little kids who try to sell you multi-packs of Chiclets outside of your hotel in the middle of the night because it's going to be a loooong vacation. Oh, and did anyone else notice that when Heidi got out of the van at the hotel she had two of the same exact sun-hats stacked on top of each other? The props department will never learn.

  • Whitney gets the call at Pubic Revolution that she got the job at Diane Van Fartenburp and makes silly faces while Lauren does that stupid little baby-girl voice and Cheshire Cat smile. I will truly miss these times and by "truly miss" I, of course, mean "will black-out forever."

  • Meanwhile back at Hotel de Montezuma's Revenge in Mexico, Heidi and Steve Sanders literally try to film a romantic scene with Heidi pouring champagne and doing her best French accent. Yes, French. Only moments from now will she turn that French accent into stereotypical Spanish. However, in the meantime, while they are legit saying how "romantic this is" you can actually hear club music in the background and people chanting "ho ho ho ho" on the beach behind them which leads me to believe there is totally a wet t-shirt contest going on in the background and you know, you KNOW, Audrina is out there while Justin Bobby is throwing buckets of water on her chest and filming clips of it for YouTube. I'm pretty sure that's not a sailboat going by way in the distance, it's just Audrina smiling. Bam!

  • Where the hell does Audrina live, by the way? The front door is in like an alley and it kind of looks like the front of a convent. Sandy Sanders swings by Audrina's because apparently these two are friends now...or there are no other cast members around to film scenes with today. Sandy is all freaked out that no one can find out where Heidi and Spencer are. No one? Really? I don't know, maybe check Perez or Us Weekly? Just a thought. I mean, there's paparazzi following them everywhere so maybe check one of those 3,000 sources. Justin Bobby does come up with a brilliant idea, however, in order to find them.....putting up signs. J Bob is the Ricky Ricardo of our generation.

  • FOR ALL THAT IS PURE AND HOLY IN THIS WORLD! What in the holy hell are Heidi and Steve Sanders doing? Taking shots of Patron? Dancing with their shoulders? I'm turning red and definitely suffering from secondhand embarrassment. Heidi kinda swings her hand across her forehead and yells "yo!" all whilst Steve Sanders shoulder dances to some Spanish music. Everyone kill yourselves....but me first.

  • Heidi lets us know that she was paying attention during her 6th grade Spanish class by saying the following phrases during her "faux-drinking" with Steve Sanders: Arriba, Loco en la Cabeza, and "Jose." Although at one point she says, "I think I've had one to many Patron shots" in a Jamaican accent. No joke, it was Jamaican. Why didn't someone yell "Cut!" and make her do it again.

  • I'm about to do two things right now. 1. I will comment on the number of times that Whitney fixed her headband during her going away party (15 times). 2. I'm going to say that I actually feel like Whitney is a really good person who comes from a great family. There, I said it. I don't care that you'll all judge me on that. I think her parents are actually proud of her that she's doing an actual job and not just floating on the success of The Hills like Audrina and LOser...and Sandy Sanders.....and Lauren....and Heidi....and Steve Sanders....and Justin Bobby....and Nana Pratt (that whore).

  • Ok, back to Cabo. I think Heidi just chugged some champagne and then ate a lime. Nice try, you tricky little skank. Steve Sanders keeps on saying that they can have a secret wedding and no one will have to know. No one? Well, I know about it. Wanna know how I know? Because I'm watching The Hills...and you're on it. Oh and Us Weekly is literally standing next to you with a camera crew who is standing next to MTV who is also filming this. Oh, and then you tipped off Perez Hilton, so I know about your secret wedding from that too.

  • Time to say peace out to Whitney! Whitney is nervous about moving to New York because she's not sure how to go grocery shopping in the city. Sure, that's a normal concern. Just do what everyone else does and walk to the grocery store in the middle of the night to pick up a few things and walk them back to your apartment one at a time. Oh, and bring your rape whistle. Best wishes Whitney! See you over at The City! I miss you already! I barely know what I'm doinK without you on The Hills.

  • Finally, for some reason we skip to the day after the actual wedding. Why are we only watching the footage of the wedding off of Steve Sanders video camera that has some fancy boom-mic attached to it?

  • Wait a second. Stop. Stop everything. Stop it all. Stop now. Stop. I thought they were "so drunk" from too much tequila and got married at night? Night? The video is showing them outside and it is either morning or afternoon. So they weren't so much doing this based off of a drunk decision, but more so just possibly a little hungover. I feel tricked. I assumed that they were hammered when they literally got married and that they would go the route of the "Friends" episode in which they could get an annulment. However, if they were not drunk, no annulment. We can all learn a lot from "Friends."

  • I now pronounce you Mr and Mrs. Jose Pratt-Patron. You may kiss the bride's chin.

Next week we get to see Darlene Montag cry it up again at Case de Chin. Lauren and Heidi reunite and even from the 4 seconds of scenes that they showed Lauren looks like she is being held up at gun-point talking to Heidi and hugging Heidi. We also get to see Heidi and Steve Sanders go to the local courthouse to make the marriage official. You totally know that someone is busting into that wedding to stop it.

What did you guys think of this episode? And, more importantly, who tried to take their own life during the show? Come on, it's ok. You can tell me.

Ok, so time to get caught up on all things that The Hills has to offer. From a wonderful Hills Recap to what Heidi and the gang are scriptedly up to. Check it out at the new ImBringingBloggingBack.com.


h said...

Oh I think you've captured the most magical moments. However,
did you notice the lack of emotion
Whitney expressed while Lauren was getting all emotional and teary
It was actually uncomfortable watching Whitney get uncomfortable.
She practically ran to her suv like
she couldn't wait to get away from her.
Hey, you should definitely try to hook up with Whit and maybe get
a cameo on her show..come on... then you can blog about yourself.
You can be the other guy who fucks up her mind, her job and her relationships with other people.
.. do it...do it..

Anonymous said...

When Heidi was watching the wedding video it was like she didn't live it and hadn't seen it before...i don't understand the time line of this thing and if Spencer knows everyone hates him and thinks he's "brainwashing" Heidi, then feeding her Patron on tv and getting her to marry him is a good idea???

Paige said...

I tried to watch the episode in between an NCIS rerun. Thank God for NCIS. The Hills made me feel nauseous. I can't believe how horrible it's gotten. And how ugly Steve Sanders is.

Was Lauren attempting to channel Kurt Cobain with the flannel and dark nailpolish?

And is Audrina actually getting a promise ring next episode?

carrie johnson fireboo said...

mein fucking gott. It was the most nasty thing ever, when heidi and steve sanders where like "joking around" and laughing (have never seen them laugh together before, i guess that Heidi started drinking on the plane), and also when they were trying to be sexy/dancing. Ewww.

J.Bob was crazy funny though. Seems like Audrina cant go a night withouth him in her bed. Ewww.

The only thing thats more fake than Heidis boobes is Steves Love for her, and maybe their so called wedding.

Ive found myself looking forward to the next episode, which is extremely disturbing. It is clearly something wrong with me. Whatever. I hope that Luaren throws Heidi in the pool after the weird hug. Or that they start making out. Both in the pool. only kidding. Ewww.


Shannon said...

This is some of your best photoshopping to date. I LOL'd at the Summer's Eve Douche :o)

In the second scene when Heidi and Spencer were drinking, Heidi didn't seem drunk anymore. After all that tequila you would start slurring your words!

Mrs. IBBB said...

1. Who actually brings champagne to thier boyfriend in a bikini & HOOKER HEELS?! Is she trying out for Girls gone wild? Or is she actually a HOOKER?
2. He got her DRUNK
3. Heidi gets dumber with every passing minute
4. He got her DRUNK
5. They tried to play it off like they got married that night, but the video was taken in the daylight.
6. He got her DRUNK
7. He said "I think the Patron had a little to do with it" & she said "...a lot to do with it". Good way to start your lives. Asshats.

Mrs. IBBB said...

How did I almost for get this...
Spencer: "You never got stressed like this when we first met."
Get a clue douchebag. You're the cause of every bad thing that's happened in her life. I think he's drugging her.

Anonymous said...

Did anyone notice that Justin Bobby was wearing overalls?!?!?!?

abs said...

uhhhhh Watching Heidi and Spencer play it up for the camera's really pisses me off!! They need to take some lessons from Lauren, She is WAY more natural infront of the camera and delivers her lines well rehearsed.

~~Heidi and Spencer are just not believable..... and it pisses me off to watch shitty actors.....

~~And then to see all their fake photos... like the ones where they are chopping down X-mas trees..... I am soo pissed right now! Why does anyone film these two douchbags??????? WHY???

Lauren said...

This was the worst edited show all season. Obviously Spencer and Heidi did not get married at night(we've all seen the "wedding" photos in US Weekly). Oh, and what was up with Audrina saying at Whitney's going away party that Steph was nervous b/c Heidi and Spencer went missing?! Hello, Whit's going away party had to have been months ago when we found out she was moving to The City, the wedding was only a few weeks ago! So stupid...

The only funny part of the episode was at Whit's going away party...her mom was crying at the thought of Whitney moving all the way across the country, while Whit just sat there and smiled- you know she was thinkinK,"Can't wait to see Jay and get laid!".

Kristine said...

is anyone else concerned that next week J Bob places a ring on Audrina's ring finger!!!!!!!! Say it aint so. Also, was that his hot car sitting parked outside Audrinas house. I hope so. They froze the camera on it for quite some time and even showed a view from the back.

Anonymous said...

Did anyone notice Whitney's pronunciation of grocery's? She kept saying grosseries. I bet she probably says catsup too instead of ketchup.

Anonymous said...

I agree w/ Lauren--I hate that they're making it seem like Whit moving to "the city" and the Pratt wedding happened at the same time!!! WTF?!? Whit has been filming her own show in NY for quite some time now.

Why isn't anyone making fun of how old Whit's mom is (77-ish?!?) IBBB has a heart all of a sudden?!?!?!???? No me gusta that at allllll =(

The front of Oddrina's house scared me! And how the hell do you know what the front of a convent looks like?!? LMAO. I didn't take you for an alter boy ;)

Ashley said...

IBBB -- On one of the commercials for Bromance, Brody very homoerotically says to a bunch of half naked guys standing in front of a hot tub, "alright, take it off". I guess he was referring to their name tags or something, i dunno i was laughing too hard, but I was pretty certain that they would all start stripping down to their goodies. Did you or anyone think this?? Or are too many bad Hills episodes making me loco en la cabeza?? Tell me!! or as Heidi says, I won't show you what a wife does! I don't think she was talking about making meatloaf.

Anonymous said...

I actually feel sorry for Lauren (in spite of her getting paid tons of money for this crappy show).

I mean, all of them but Whitney just seem pretty sad at this point.

Lauren seems like her life is in the crapper, compared to say, when she was back at LB, and crushing on Stephen, and was still idealistic, and everything seemed possible.

Now, a bunch of public humiliations later and she looks like she's 22/23 (whatever it is) going on 38 and has had all her dreams smashed.

Honestly, despite all the tons of money, it seems like her life sucks.

Sometimes I feel like such an a-hole for having watched that show. It really is THAT bad anymore. They don't even bother editing out scenes when they look directly into the camera anymore.

Wish they'd do another Laguna Beach. That seemed like it had some real drama back in the day. The Hills is just boring these days.

Anonymous said...

I wouldn't feel too bad for Lauren. I mean, she could probably buy her parents house in Laguna Beach and move back there if she really wanted to. Yeah, she's had a few sucky friends along the way, but who hasn't? And she's been dating that cute actor guy for almost a year, they just don't show him on The Hills. Plus, she loves Lo and Lo is a good friend to her. I do hope she gets a new job next season though...I'm over Kelly Cutrone!

Anonymous said...

When Justin Bobby suggested She-Pratt put up signs or something I grew a bit of respect for the boy.

Can we talk about how often Heidi just randomly says "hello". Like when they exited the SUV upon arrival at the hotel. She does it sometimes when they arrive at a club or restaurant and it is never directed at any actual person, just sort of to the world in general or her imaginary friend. Maybe Spencer keeps here doped up so she can't remember that she actually had friends and a life before he came around. She just always seems slightly retarded or drugged to me.

J bob Rox My Sox said...

Ok, there's a little inconsistency (is that even a word? dont know dont care) We saw the scenes of whitney leaving to ny in the city trailer way before la charra wedding occured, still at whtineys party they talk about heidi and spencer being missing... oummm the hills i used tu stand by your side and defend you but im pretty sure that they filmed the party scene just to make it feel like it was at the same time, i hate you and i got no reason to live any longer, thanks

kasey said...

The lines where audrina is talking to lauren and lo about heidi being missing is SO clearly dubbed I can't believe they expect us to believe it! Duh we know when heidi and spencer got "married" and when this "going away party" happened because they shove it all down our throats! This episode made me more outraged than usual. AND I thought it was the season finale!

Corey said...

Aargh...The Hills is dying a slow,painful death. Bring on The City...I just know that Olivia is a horid,horrible skankstress. I can feel it in my bone(s). Ew.

Valerie said...

Did anyone else notice when Heidi said, "I'll show you what a wife does?" I seriously wanted to throw up. Why do I still watch this??????

typeogirl said...

a couple of thoughts:

1. in regards to the timing, my thought is that they showed in the preview that Heidi and Lauren make up next week. EOnline reported that back on October 15. MTV obviously is playing with the timeline, I guess they think the reconcilation of the two girls is more dramatic and exciting than the wedding of Speidi-the reunion gets the finale.
2. when Heidi agrees to marry Spencer, he tries to make out with her, or at least jam his tongue down her throat - Heidi looked stiff as a board and reacted as if she was kissing a hideous toad with warts. Did she not want to ruin her hair and makeup, or is their relationship all for publicity, money and fame, maybe its all fake? She certainly didn't act natural.

Taylor said...

Its embarrassing to watch.

Heidi might have actually really been drunk because for a brief moment, she did not look constipated. Once back in the room, totally constipated...

And I will confess.. JB is growing on me. For realz.

Anonymous said...

I wouldn't feel sorry for lauren she's filthy rich I try not to feel sorry for rich people while I live paycheck to paycheck and she does seem happy with that actor kyle howard. Another thing can someone please translate what " I'll show you what a wife does" mean. I'm still scratching my head about that days later.