Tuesday, December 09, 2008

The Hills Recap: Why Doesn't Whitney Say, "Diane Von FurstenberK"

Dear Jesus Claus,
Please let The Hills end soon. I'm not sure how much more of this I can take. When they are giving story-lines to the original cast members boyfriends sisters boyfriend it makes me angry inside and when I'm angry I can barely spread my joy throughout the world. Anyclaus, here's what went down on another terribly horrific crapisode of The Hills....just in case you were busy diddling your elves, Santa.
Little IBBB
  • Throw away your hair products because Kelly CUNTrone is back in action! This time, to tone down her tough image, she's wearing purple jeans. But don't fret, she still looks like walking death. Kelly discusses an interview she set up for Whitney at Diane Von Furstenberg. I can't wait to hear Whitney try to say "Von Furstenberg." You totally know the she was like, "Van Fartenburp" and the producers had to yell "cut!"
  • Now why does Whitney say that this opportunity sounds "amazinK" but she actually can pronounce "Furstenberg?" I would please like for a speech pathologist to write into IBBB and explain Whitney's speech impediment. Gracias (that means 'thank you' in Spanish).
  • Since this episode is going to really shit the bed, I have a question. You know in the opening credits? Who's the girl on the runway in the bikini that does that ridiculous pose with her head when they sing, "Feel the rain on your skin." You know the part and you know the girl. Let's get her some additional press. What? I'm bored with The Hills.
  • Lauren and Oddrina are at her new whore-house and Oddrina tells Lauren that she still "wants it" from Justin Bobby. I assumed the "it" that's she's talking about is, of course, teeth whitening kits and/or free haircuts from J Bob. Lauren tells Oddy that her d-bag parents are selling their Laguna Beach house. Boo hoo! Poor little rich girl can't go back to her parents mansion. Ahhh Laguna Beach. Now that's a show I miss on a daily basis.
  • Sandy and Steve Sanders are having scripted lunch and talking about her scripted boyfriend, Cameron. Boring. I'm moving on.
  • Whitney tells Lauren about her interview in NYC and once Lauren realizes that Whitney will be moving she seems a little pissed. I'm assuming she's pissed because she's trying to figure out who she'll get to tell all of her scripted problems to at "work" every day. It's tough to be Lauren Cockring.
  • This show is the worst.
  • Wait. Are they seriously going to show Lauren going to Laguna to pack up her crap? Really? This is really going to make the episode? Can't Lauren just stay in Laguna Beach and they can start filming Laguna Beach 4? Please? Santa? Jesus? Congress? Anyone??
  • Oh please. Lauren's parents totally aren't packing up their own crap and putting it into boxes. Nice try, but I think the millionaires aren't packing their own crap. I'm pretty sure they're hiring an illegal immigrant moving crew for work like that.
  • Whitney's in NYC for her big interview for a job that she already has because she already has her own spinoff of The Hills. It's a little show called "The City." Hmm I wonder if she'll get the job and they'll continue Whitney's spinoff show or if she won't get the job and they'll have to cancel her new show. Hmmm I wonder.
  • This is great. Whitey's interview is up on the second floor and she has to walk up about 100 stairs. I'm not kidding. With Whitney's track record of stairs and falling down them (Good Morning America) I wonder how she'll do? I'm kidding. She doesn't fall down stairs. She slides down stairs. There's a difference.
  • In more interesting news, the assistant that greets Whitney, Elizabeth, is hot. Finally.
  • The middle-aged woman, who kinda looks like Maria Shriver, comes down to interview Whitney. And what an interview it is! She asks tough questions like, "What have you been doing." Uh oh, I don't think Whitney prepared for that one! Drat!
  • When the interviewer asks Whitney what exactly her role was in the Sass and Bide (Sass and Vibe? No idea) fashion show, Whitney says that she did the casting "and everything else you can think of." Wow. Really? Way to nail that answer, Whit! She might as well have just said, "I did work and things that relate to working."
  • Whitney does, however, make sure that she plugs her upcoming show by saying that she should jump into this industry whole-heartedly and move to "The City." Seriously, I can't take much more of this. Although, I'm glad that we live in a world where Whitney is employable even when the unemployment rate is at an all time high.
  • Meanwhile back on the left coast, Sandy Sanders breaks up with her boyfriend who looks like he just knocked over a 7-11 before arriving at her apartment (that she doesn't deserve). If you listen carefully, I think that all the parts of the breakup conversation are voiced over. I'm sure she really said, "I don't want to order pizza" but they voiced over to "I don't want a relationship."
  • I actually cried when Sandy Sanders started crying....but my tears were over the fact that I realized I've recapped every Hills episode since the 2nd season on and I will never ever get that time back. Ever. My God, what have I done!
  • LC and LOser are packing up her Laguna Beach bedroom and strolling down memory lane. Lauren finds her "Will" that she wrote when she was 15. In it, she declares that when she dies she wants to be buried in her home-coming dress with her crown placed on her coffin. Finally, an episode worth watching....Lauren dies and we get to watch the burial! You know what? If they also televise LOser's burial I just may live-blog.
  • Finally this episode is almost over. Whitney leaves her interview and Ozzy Bobby is outside waiting for her. They are the worst to watch. The way she's interacting and touching him you know they totally banged the first night they met. Do you think when Whitney is having an orgasm she's yelling, "I'm cominK, I'm cominK!" I don't care that I crossed the line. That last sentence was the best part of the entire recap.
Next week on The Hills we get to see Heidi and Steve Sanders Mexican wedding. Really? Didn't that literally just take place last week? No really. Didn't it? So basically The Hills is filming scenes each week and editing them (terribly) and airing them a week later? You know, if they actually filmed stuff each week and then aired it immediately maybe every episode wouldn't be ruined by what Us Weekly reports on. Just a thought.
What did you dirt-bags think of this latest episode? Who's not watching next season? Anyone planning on watching "The City?" You think it's even worth recapping?

Related:  The Greatest Desert Boots for 2015 


Anonymous said...

join a nuns THING? lol

h said...

Please tell me you'll be watching and blogging BROMANCE...my god

Brody Jenner must get a friend via
a contest....how sad

Diana said...

I'm very surprised that you did not catch this error:
When Whitney is saying goodbye to her BF, they show her with her hair pinned back on the right side, then they cut to just her face and her HAIR IS DOWN and pinned back on the other side!!! Then, they cut back to boy, back to Whit and her hair is back in place. Go watch it and fast forward to 18:40!!!

Anonymous said...

1st things 1st--the chick in the beginning credits, that does the pose at the end of the runway in a bikini top, is a girl from an Ashley Paige runway show. Remember Lauren had to help style it and she added some fake flowers to an umbrella, ella, ella, ay!?!?

I cannot believe they're airing the Pratt wedding next week! That's ridiculousss, it justtt happened! And MTV filming Steve Sanders while hes re-watching his raw footage from his own camcorder?!???

And LC going back to Laguna?! That was s0o odd and pointless--she spent like 10 minutes in that house chasing Jason Walher around whilst wearing a white teeny bikini and minus the mustache!

Chanda said...

"I'm cominK, I'm cominK"
That was for sure THE best part of the re-crap.
Loved it!!

IBBB said...

I think I miss these things because I now watch The Hills with a fork in one eye and a drill in my ear. It makes it a little easier to get through it.

@ Bromance - even the commercials make me want to pistol whip my television.


Anonymous said...

1. Didn't Holly move in with Lauren...where is she??

2. More importantly, where was NANA!

3. Since when does Lauren have a younger brother? Maybe he will take over Laguna beach part 3

Lauren said...

I thought I saw the end of a commercial for Bromance, but I was hoping that it wasn't real. I will still watch The Hills and The City, although Whitney is soooo boring. And I had no idea Lauren had a younger brother, MTV really dropped the ball on that. Laguna Beach was the best and the one with Lauren's sister was good too. Wonder what Cami is doing now? Please keep recapping...it's the only reason I watch!

Anonymous said...

You know I only watch The Hills so I can read the recap...so PLEASE don't recap The City or else I'll be forced to watch that tooooooooooooooooooooooo. The end.

P.S. I don't think Bromance is homo AT ALL.

caitlin said...

UGGGGGGHHHHHH did anyone else think the whole encounter between Whitney and Jay was THE most awkward thing EVER?! I felt like I was in 7th grade watching my two nervous friends on their first date. Sick. Whitney needs to either grow up (fast) or take acting lessons.

Anonymous said...

I worried that The City is going to be an entire 22 min. program where I feel uncomfortable for Whitney the entire time...you know like when you get embarrassed for people on tv.

Anonymous said...

I do remember lauren having a younger brother in season 1 he was like 9 or 10 then. I think that beeyatch girl in the city will probably make it worth watching it certainly won't be because of whitney.

mrcorkles said...

Dear Santa -

Please fill IBBB with the inspiration to recap The City in its entirety until it's canceled at the end of next season. Whitney makes me uncomfortable in her promo voiceovers for The City,but IBBB makes it all better with his scathing commentary. Please also give him many new commercials but not so many that he does not have time to recap The City,The Hills,and anything Harriet Carter related.

Thank you.


Anonymous said...

Are you saying you aren't sure that you are recapping The City? You know most of us are suffering from a horrible economy and a disturbingly boring season from The Hills and yet you want to deny us your wit? We are your loyal fans and we need The City recaps pronto. What the hell are we supposed to read early Tuesday morning after listening to Whitney butcher the English language the night before? Yet you aren't sure you are going to come through for us? I say how dare you. How dare you.

ILoveCrapTV said...

Hola Pasquale! decidi que era un agradable cambio de aires en este pequeño blog poner comentarios en español, oh si mis amigos spaniol, asi que antes de que despidan a sus sirvientas gracias a la crisis pidanles que les traduzcan los comentarios en IBBB, yo tenia la siguiente pregunta, que no vimos a la familia de lauren mudarse a esa casa en la segunda temporada de laguna beach? entonces xq la llama su casa? digo claro que vivio ahi cuando decicidio dejar la escuela en san francisco y avergonzarse un poco mas al ir tras stephen, pero que no estaba peleado cn Lo en ese entonces? xq Lo tmbn tiene recuerdos? Quiero respuestas STAT!

hillslide said...

I think to hell with the hills and the city they should just air ur recaps!!!
reading is totally better than watching!
I don't think there is enough drama to keep the hills on another season. i'll go back to watching gossip girl xoxo

Anonymous said...

Umm...did he just all call us dirt-bags before asking for our input???

smashley said...

wtf? im pretty sure that is some butchered spanish right there. yo intiendo porquito.

Anyway....when Lo & Lauren were "packing" up her room and took a break to walk out on her patio that resembled a freakin cliff.....my first thoughts were...JUMP BITCHES, JUMP! ahahaha was i the only one? now THAT would make me yell "I'm cominK, I'm comink!"

Taylor said...

Ozzy Bobby is NYJB.

And you don't downsize out of a house like LC's parents unless you have to, and if her lil' brother only has 2 yrs high school left, why are you making him switch schools ? Are they moving somewhere else in LB ?

And please, since you ignored my request to recap Housebitches of the OC, you must at least continue with " THE CITY" and "BROMANCE". Come on now...

Ashley said...

I'll bet 20 bucks that Ozzy Bobby is out slaying hoodrats on a regular basis and never expected Whitney to move to NYC. Now he'll have to take her out to dinner and buy her tampons and chocolate and listen to her talk about her weight. Won't last a week. The City is going to be the most painfully awkward show on TV.. i'm afraid I am going to have to retire my teeny-bopper tv watching at the conclusion of the hills. Did anyone else hear that the hills signed on for another season?

Kiran said...

Please contine recapping. And the city as well!

It weird, because the whole Justin Bobby episode happened in October. But they didn't air it untill November. So it weird that they will show the wedding next time.

Anonymous said...

I forced my boyfriend to watch this episode & I was so mortified the entire time. Every episode that has had Whitney in her own storyline has been incredibly boring. My guess is that allergies cause her annoying impediment. I feel like nothing ever really happens on this show.
And Cameron walks like he has a bigger stick up his ass than Douk does. All the scenes with Stephanie & Cameron are so awkward.

carrie johnson fireboo said...

haha. had just forgot about that Brianna chick. that girl is UGLY!

well. you could at least start to recapt the City.. I mean, Elizabeth and that Olivia (?), are really hot. So, it's at least worth watching the show.

mein gott the hills is CRAP. And I love it. Missed heidi though. (what is wrong with me??)

they should give elizabeth and olivia a spinoff, the plot being something about playing lesbian reindeer games for a whole season. ok I need to stop. im straight, and a woman. but they are hot.

anyhow.. greetings from sweden

IBBB said...

@ everyone - of course I will continue the recapping. I mean, what the hell else am I going to do with my life. This is basically it.

@ the spanish message - me gusta la Hills. Me guesta el basquetbol. Me gusta el TV.

@ "The City" comments - I can't wait for it, only b/c I think it's going to be SO bad that I'll be able to have a field day with it. Ole!


Anonymous said...

Okay, I know you've got Boston roots. Admit it, you're a (BSG) Sports Guy fan (the sellout is now in L.A.)

Anonymous said...

I didn't laugh until the, "I'm cominK!" part ahahaha. Kudos.

Valerie said...

"I'm cominK, I'm cominK!"

OMFG. That was awesome.