Tuesday, December 02, 2008

It's the Great Recession, Charlie Brown!

Well it's official. The sunny United States of America is in what the experts like to call a "recession." Apparently we've been in the recession since December of 2007. 2007. December. 2007. December of 2007. Thanks for the quick heads up, "people in power." The stock market tanked 680 points yesterday, which I'm pretty sure means that the stock market is currently actually at just 680 points today.

If I recall correctly, I was spending like a drunken sailor back in the beginning of the year. I kid. I'm not a sailor. However, I am a drunkard so I plan on continuing to spend and I think you should too. In fact, IBBB will help you get through these tough financial times with some helpful recession buster tips and ideas. You're welcome:

  1. Did you give up drinking? Start again.
  2. Repeat # 1.

  3. Lost your job? It was probably boring anyway. Know what's not boring? Prostitution! Saddle up because you'll be riding more strangers than the Blue line.

  4. Do you have any money left in the stock market? If so I have 5 words for you: Scratch Tickets.

  5. Know what surprisingly tastes like chicken? The neighborhood dog. Don't laugh. You'll be there before you know it.

  6. Have you repeated #1 again? Ok, do it again.

  7. Robbery will be up a lot in the coming year. If you're going to start up with "the burglary" don't pick the biggest house on the street. Choose the house with the oldest widow in it. You'll thank me later.

  8. Try out for as many reality shows as humanly possible. Sue for discrimination with each show that rejects you. It's merely a numbers game at this point.

  9. Are things really bad? Can't even afford three meals a day? Kill someone. Jail isn't as bad as the movies make it seem.

  10. Yaaaaaaaaard Salllllllllleeeee!

  11. Start your own business and by "business" I, again, am referring to "prostitution."

If you follow these easy 11 steps you'll be on your way back to financial security. Turn down the heat, stock up on the SPAM, and figure out a strategy for jumping to the front of the line at the free clinic because it's going to be a long winter. Cheer up. It could be worse. You could be from Canada.



Anonymous said...

"It could be worse, you could be from Canada".... Oh really?
Well, I happen to be from Canada and I think you poor sucker Americans are going to be banging on our doors to let you in when you loose all your money (oh wait, most of you are already shit poor). Why? Because Canadians (and Canada)are BETTER, sure its cold (umm we buy coats and wear them to fix that problem)and we might not have a Target but I'll tell you one thing we didn't have that you did... BUSH. That's right, we have a Prime Minister who doesnt get rapped in the ass by his Dad for personal vendettas that bring an entire country down. For that.. I beleive the saying should be "Well it could be worse, you could be from HICK TOWN USA, where your all loosing your money and jobs and homes and the clothes off your back".
Enjoy living in what's going to be the next third world country. Hope its great fun!

Anonymous said...

Damn someone has a stick up their a$$. How funny when people get offended over a little comment.

Ashley said...

Canada doesn't have Target??

IBBB said...

Ok, so you were ok with the "killing someone" comment, but the Canada thing...not so much?

Oh, and I meant the city of Canada in Kansas. It exists. Look it up.

Touchy touchy. Let's put this all behind us and be friends again.


Anonymous said...

haha. Do you think that FMC is going to help kick-start the economy? Afterall, I'm sure Harriet Carter is paying her som big $$$.

Rae said...

side-splittin LOL. Seriously. I had to think about flattened kittens to stop laughing.

Rae said...

and to Canada-lady, get bent. If y'all are so great, people with major illnesses like cancer would not have to sell their homes to get decent healthcare here. We're screwy, but we're not that cruel.
Sorry, IBBB, but anon and their ilk are touchy. Great article, though.

Anonymous said...

Canada person....fyi, if you are going to type on an American website, the least you could do would be to use the English language accordingly and not misspell things. For example, in your statement "when you loose all your money" it should actually be "lose", not "loose" like a whore. Also, I doubt your Prime Minister gets "RAPPED". I don't even know what that means. "RAPED" is a more appropriate word there. They make dictionaries for a reason, you know.

sister suki said...

Hey Canada,
First: You also spelled "believe" wrong. It's not "beleive."

Second: We would NEVER bang on your door. We would bang on Mexico's. At least they have good weather and tequila.

Third: Canada sucks.

Anonymous said...

Hola Mexico!!!! Mas Cerveza Por Favor!!!

And I second it...Canada sucks!!!

Anonymous said...

If we're pointing out Canada-Loving Anonymous's spelling errors, then let me please point out the misuse of "your" as well. They don't teach you to proof-read in Canada, eh?

charles said...

Well this is an entertaining conversation...
I did not quite understand Rae and her healthcare comment though...
Care to explain?