- Did you give up drinking? Start again.
- Repeat # 1.
- Lost your job? It was probably boring anyway. Know what's not boring? Prostitution! Saddle up because you'll be riding more strangers than the Blue line.
- Do you have any money left in the stock market? If so I have 5 words for you: Scratch Tickets.
- Know what surprisingly tastes like chicken? The neighborhood dog. Don't laugh. You'll be there before you know it.
- Have you repeated #1 again? Ok, do it again.
- Robbery will be up a lot in the coming year. If you're going to start up with "the burglary" don't pick the biggest house on the street. Choose the house with the oldest widow in it. You'll thank me later.
- Try out for as many reality shows as humanly possible. Sue for discrimination with each show that rejects you. It's merely a numbers game at this point.
- Are things really bad? Can't even afford three meals a day? Kill someone. Jail isn't as bad as the movies make it seem.
- Yaaaaaaaaard Salllllllllleeeee!
- Start your own business and by "business" I, again, am referring to "prostitution."
If you follow these easy 11 steps you'll be on your way back to financial security. Turn down the heat, stock up on the SPAM, and figure out a strategy for jumping to the front of the line at the free clinic because it's going to be a long winter. Cheer up. It could be worse. You could be from Canada.