Monday, December 22, 2008

Why Hello There, Winter Weather!

Dear Mr. Snowstorm,

Hey there how are you? Yeah, I'm ok thanks for asking. I'm a little aggravated, actually. What is it about your snow that makes people act insane? No really, I'd like to know. Sure there's some white fluffy stuff, similar to cotton balls, falling from the sky but what is it about that that makes everyone drive like knives, fire, and newborn babies are falling from the sky? I was lucky enough to be driving behind a station wagon (apparently those still exist) and you would have thought this driver completely lost their steering wheel. I actually was hoping they were drunk and not driving this way because of the weather. This station wagon, that somehow turned itself into a runaway train, was all over the highway and they kept slamming on their breaks. Good move. I hear that when there is snow and ice on the ground nothing keeps your car in full control quite like slamming on the breaks. This was especially entertaining because there weren't any other cars in front of the "runaway train." On one occasion when I was forced to slam on my break and pray to my sweet Jesus not to have me go face first through the windshield, I got close enough to the said station wagon to notice that this car has traveled all the way from Idaho. That explains it. Thanks Idaho, your state is borderline pointless!

Moving on, I made it to my destination after watching about 10 other cars fishtail all over the highway and just needed to find a place to park. Simple, right? Yeah, no. Apparently when there's snow on the ground, especially in a parking lot, people forget where the parking lines are. Yup, I guess the lime green Volkswagen Beetle thinks it's an 18-wheeler and parked in about 3 spaces. No joke, at one point I think the car was parked horizontally. I won't lie and say I didn't say a quick prayer that I would end up passing this car hours later and see it all ablaze and in a ditch on the side of the highway. Fingers crossed.

So in the end I found a place to park, called a cab to pick me up from my parking space, and even breezed by the freakshow ringing the bell and asking for spare change. Who carries around "spare change" anymore? Is this 1989? I didn't even know they made "change" anymore.

Perhaps though, my personal favorite, is sitting home and seeing constant coverage of the snow storm on the news. Oh and by "constant coverage" I really do mean "constant coverage." It is definitely important to interview that person who is heading off to the supermarket to get their last minute food because God forbid they can't stuff their fat faces with Twinkies and brownies for a full 24-hrs. They could possibly die from lack from junk food during a snowstorm.

Ahhhh Mr Snowstorm, you really bring out the best in me. You make me pray negative prayers and think negative thoughts, yet you somehow forced me to remember that both spare change and Idaho are two things that are still in existence. Thank you for reminding me. It's times like these that really make me yearn for the days of hearing that perfect stranger say to me, "Hot enough for ya?!"

Luke-Warm Regards,


Anonymous said...

It could be could be from Canada...

JDizzle said...

Right?! You would think some of them never saw snow before!

Mother Nature must be pissed, it snowed from 2:00pm Friday until 8PM last night. Then it rained enough to coat everything in an inch of ice. Thanks Mother Nature...bitch.

annie said...

ahahaha this was great. it's so true! my parents watched the news the ENTIRE weekend. the news just played the same clip of a lady saying "well you live in new england so you get what you get =/" or the other person "i hate the snow ugggh". i had forgotten how annoying the snow is.

cnap786 said...

it would make my day if you recapped every storm that hit the tri-state area in a similar fashion to this rant. and i totally feel you with the "winter weather update" every 5 minutes. go snow!