Monday, March 31, 2008

Choose Your Own Adventure

Peace out you sick sons-a-bitchin'-bastards! IBBB is headed south for a little vacation or as they say in Canada, "vacation." Therefore, over the next week you will be experiencing IBBB Lite. Basically this package deal allows you, the reader, to get one installment of Go Ask IBBB, one installment of The Hills Recap (assuming the hotel has MTV...it better), one installment of Harriet Carter Wednesday, one installment of Getting to Know YOU, and one installment of 2 Minute Recaps. What a treat for all involved. So wish me luck as I tan my ass off. I'm pretty sure the sun is really good for you so I will be soaking myself in a mixture of Crisco and baby oil. In my off hours, feel free to check out my blogging friends sites. There's a good chance half the people on this list don't like me anymore but, hey, what can ya do.

Spencer's Busy, Let IBBB Take a Message: 3

Back my popular demand is my own advice column: "Spencer's Busy, Let IBBB Take a Message" In case you need to be caught up on what this is click here to read last weeks. Anyway, thank to all of you sick bastards who wrote in a question and sorry to those of you who I didn't choose. Keep sending them and I'll keep printing them out and shredding them! Here we go....

Dear IBBB,
Why do girls who excessively tan always ask if you want to see their tan lines? And why don't more guys do it?

Sincerely,
I work too much to tan

p.s. I love Harriet Carter Wednesdays!


Dear "I Work Too Much to Tan,"
Is your name Russian? It's catchy. Anyway, who are these girls that are asking this and can you please send them my way. Thanks in advance. To best answer this question I will compare it to those people who are cock-eyed and always make you feel uncomfortable because you never know exactly where you should be looking when they're talking to you. As a helpful tip, the answer is: always in the middle, always in the middle. Anyway, these cock-eyed freaks are the same as these ultra tanned skanks. These skanks ask you to check out their tan lines because they have that power over you as you, I'd assume, are the color of paste perhaps. Oh, and also because these girls are, again, skanks and need the attention. More than likely they've been molested by their uncle and also sport some type of eating disorder. Perhaps I'm generalizing. In conclusion, the next time you're asked to see their tan lines make sure you ask them if you can also see their "molestation marks." You'll both my laughing with delight.

Signed,
IBBB

Hey! I have a very important question that I need an answer to. It might help all those other peeps out there that are struggling with this problem. Please explain to me why it is so offensive to "hack" in public. I just don't see what the problem is when one has to clear it's throat. I mean when you have to cough, you have to cough, know what I am saying. I just don't appreciate all the looks that could kill and the stares and the disgust that I can see all around and the whispers. It's very disturbing to me. Please help.

Thanks!
Britt

Dear Britt,
Um, do you have any manners? It's typically polite to address the mail receiver by name. For example you could have started out your letter by saying "Dear IBBB," and then you continue on. I don't want to be that picky, but that was pretty f'n rude. Anyway, onto your question. Is this a problem that's happening to you? If so, you're probably getting all these looks from people because they assume you have some form of an STD that can be caught simply by breathing in the same air space as you. Let me ask you this, do you sleep around a lot? I assume the answer to that question is "yes" as your name is Britt with 2 "T's." I don't want to cast judgement, but your name screams "loose." I'm just kidding....I do mean to judge. On the other hand if you are not the town slam pig then I owe you an apology. These people that you see probably do not even exist. You see, you've imagined them. You cough and then all of a sudden you dream to life people looking at you. It's normal for people who have syphilis to eventually go crazy from it. Again, it all ties back to slutty behavior. I hope this helped. Thanks for your letter.

Signed,
(Please Don't Breathe the Same Air as Me You Freak) IBBB

Dear IBBB,
You are funny as sh!@#*, but your spelling SUX.

Signed,
Tina

Dear Tina,
Your mother's a whore and your father holds the money.

Signed,
Your Father


***Need advice from IBBB? Email me: ImBringingBloggingBack at Yahoo.com. Maybe I'll add your question to this site. Maybe I won't. At the end of the day, who really cares.***


Britney's Ass Gets a Power Washing


There's nothing I like better than a little potty humor, as I am 12. Anyway, there are reports that Britney Spears has been getting her "Stink House" or "Poop Shed" cleaned out regularly. I'm talking about her ass. That was clear, right?

Anyway, if you've been wondering about the insides of Britney's bum as I have been you'll be glad to know that it's clean as a whistle as it's been reported that Britney's "Crap Bungalow" is receiving regular colon cleansings. One can only image what's getting washed away in that mess. I'd assume a couple of Misty 120's, a book of matches, a few Tonka trucks, shoelaces, 3 Valentine cards from 1999 and 1 from 2004, poker chips, cracker jacks, a roll of quarters for the parking meter, 2 Chance cards, and the thimble from Monopoly. There's probably even more, but my imagination has come to a complete stop and I have induced vomiting.

One drunken source claims that Britney has had the treatment before and "it makes her feel great, more upbeat, and energetic."

I've officially hit a new low in reporting this, but it somehow makes me feel like a pioneer in regards to celebrity colon reports. Look out, Katie Couric, I'm right on your tail (you bitch)!

Friday, March 28, 2008

"The Hills" The Movie? The F You Say?


Lauren Conrad, that batty little minx is at it again! This time she is alluding the fact that a "Hills" movie may be in discussion. When recently interviewed and asked about it Lauren said, "We have kind of talked about it" and she gave her big strange smile while answering.

Lauren continued by saying, "I think if they were going to do a film of the Hills they would basically film it like we do the show and they would just edit it into a movie. It would be like a really long episode."

Wow, thanks Lauren. "Yes" that would be like a really long episode as typical movies are not 22 minutes long. Regardless, I want in on this shit if it really goes down. I'm not joking, I'll be that guy that holds that microphone thing over their heads while they talk that kinda looks like a dusty fur hat. Huh? Anyway, I better be involved somehow. Maybe I can be the guy who paints their teeth with white-out or something. Oh! Maybe I can make sure that Heidi's chin doesn't appear threatening on the big screen. Even better, maybe they'll give me an actual role. I can either be the love child of Lisa Loveless and Heidi's step dad (or horse) or perhaps I can impress them enough to be the lover of Lisa Loveless. Hmmm a Lisa Loveless Lover. Sounds good to me. Where do I sign?

Source This Crap Up!

Lagina Creek Part 4??

Sometimes Santa doesn't answer my letters and sometimes he does. Sometimes that fat bastard even eats my cookies and drinks my milk. Fat ass. Anyway, an avid IBBB reader and super secret super spy has passed a little information my way. Now this source is a drunken skank, but still I trust skanks, usually. Rumor (Willis) has it that Cami, Kendra, and Lexie from Laguna Beach 3 may be working on some type of new project together. This is at very early stages so there isn't much more to report, yet, but I'm hoping that they're braining back my favorite train wreck, Laguna Beach. Hopefully they're giving Douche-Bag Creek (Newport Harbor) the boot! I'm also hoping that if Laguna Beach comes back they freshen up the title to something like "Lagina Creek Part 4." It has a real nice ring to it.

The bottom line is that if Cami and crew can come crashing into our living rooms again via "the television" then all is right with the world. Please make this happen, Santa and Jesus, please!

Drunken Fan Mail is the Best to Receive!



Everyone once in a blue moon I'll get a letter from a "fan" of the site. It make me feel good inside as I am in constant need of attention and validation. Those are great qualities to have, so I'm glad I possess them. Below is a drunken email from Devlyn (which I'm assuming is a made up name?) and asked that I simply copy-and-paste the message into my blog. Uh, first off don't boss me Dev and second stop using fancy computer terminology like "copy" and "paste" as it confuses me and required me to hold scissors and glue whilst I type my ass off. Anyway, here's the letter. Oh wait, and it would have been nice to send a picture of you and your craptastic co-workers holding up an IBBB sign or something. So, basically, thanks for nothing. Ok, here's the letter:

Omg! Ur the most awesome thing at work since the $1.00 chips that we can buy/afford at the company vending machine. We totally make an effort to screw off at work just to read ur fukin' blog. Ur our fuckin' J.C!!! We actually made a whole event out of ditching work just to download all of the episodes of failed model actress chick videos w/ that chef bastard. our ultimate life goal is to quit work, backpack to N.Y (f.y.I who does that? its not fuckin' Europe!!) somehow find ur ass and beg u to give us jobs writing for the blog! Is that remotely possible?! Cause if its some what possible we will like u to at least give us subliminal messages through ur blog. kind of like f.m.a.c (failed-model--actress-chick) gives u through the cooking show. Oh and tell ur friend (u know that one that does the antm recaps) that Tyra said that she DOES actually want to be on top! Cause she wouldn't have it any other way. she don't smile with her eyes all that often. So anyway... xoxo.(yes I put xoxo, I also think that that is the stupidest shit that u could ever end a message with).

P.S. Feel free to mention this drunk message in the March blog. If anything copy and paste!!!

Thanks for the letter Dev and crew. Now please work on your spelling, grammar, and punctuation. If it's one thing I won't tolerate it's missed periods. Wait.

This Time Last Year: Britney and KFed

Happy Friday and welcome back to everyones favorite lazy segment called "This Time Last Year." This Time Last Year will take a brief look at what was going on in the celebrity world...this time last year (go figure). Oh, and also I'm lazy so this is pretty easy to do on a Friday. Here's what was going on with Britney and KFed this time last year...

It's payday for KFed! According to TMZ.com, Britney Spears and KFed have finally come to an agreement in their divorce settlement. It looks like KFed may get about $1 million and will have 50/50 joint custody of "What's his face" and "The other one."

With all the money that Britney has, I kinda feel like that $1 million isn't a lot of money to "win" in the divorce settlement. If I were him, I would use the kids to get more money. For example, I would be like, "Hey Britney, the kids needs some new crap. Can I have $100,000?" Simple right? Sure. Wait, is it wrong to use kids to get money? Some countries make millions off of concepts like that. I mean sure they're called "sweatshops," but whatever. Where was I going with this? Forget it.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

...In Other News...

America's Next Top Model: Red Unitards!



I got a bunch of emails from people who couldn't wait to see what America's Next Top Model recapper, Jenny, would say about last nights crapisode of America's....Next.....Top.....Model. Here's what Jenny said went down:
  • The show starts with Dominique and Claire arguing over Dominique's alarm clock going off too early. It's now 10 minutes into the show, literally...and they are STILL arguing over the alarm clock. And what's up with Dominique's accent? What exactly is it?
  • Nice. The divider to the cab-hummer-limo rolls down and reveals that TYRA is the driver. What a treat for all. She tells the girls she has 5 words for them. (Tyra loves numbers) "go upstairs and get dressed" For some reason this makes the models squeal like piglets.
  • They arrive at the dance studio and don red spandex shirts, red spandex pants and black shoes. Go Chelsea.
  • Tyra gives the girls a lesson in walking. Seriously, how many times are these girls going to get walking lessons? Evidently there is a 3 second rule. Get to the end of the runway, show your outfit for 3 seconds. Is this kind of like the 2 second rule? I say if your twinkey falls on the ground, you can still eat it as long as you pick it up within 2 seconds.
  • OH HERE WE GO. Tyra suddenly acts like she has gas pains. But it's her ankle. I say she's trying to fake us out. OH! yes...she's just kidding! She's so GOOD at this! All of Tyra's parables have point. She tells us she did this because the next segment is posing with pain. "Think pain but beauty."
  • No lie I have no idea what's going on right now. First she tells them to think headache. Then menstrual pain. She's yelling for pain pills and acetaminophen. Ow I sprained my ankle! Ouch! As it turns out, when you sprain your ankle, you roll around on the floor in break-dancing/stripper moves and throw your legs over your head like a 2 dollar hooker. This is priceless. How does Tyra not have her own show? Oh wait, she has two. Good thing.
  • I wonder why they don't do pain associated with watching this show? It's easy, just lay down on the ground with needles sticking out of your eyes.
  • Ok, it's another pose off. AGAIN. When all else fails, go to pose off. Each girl gets a "pain" to act out. This consists of "windburned lips", "fingers closed in the door", "my weave tracks are killing me", "my neck hurts because I just got strangled", and "my palms hurt because I was playing patty cake all day" I wonder why she didn't have anyone do "my shins hurt because I mowed the lawn while wearing shorts and the stupid rocks kept pelting me after they got caught up in the blade?"
  • Anya wins the pose off. She wins a one on one photo shoot with Nigel.
  • For this week's photo shoot, the girls have to act out different music genres.
  • At judging, Tyra pulls the "you did this, and you should have done thissssssss" I can never tell the difference. To me, smiling with your eyes, think beauty but pain, and acting hoochie but making it fashion all look the same.
  • Amy is eliminated from the competition. See Tyra, now THAT would have been a good "pain pose" at your class. Til next week.

2 Minute Failure Model Recaps!



Back by popular demand is "2 Minute Recaps." A spinoff of "Harriet Carter Wednesday," watch my favorite Harriet Carter model, Rachel Platt, host this online cooking show like a champ. If you're new to this, check out last weeks explainer by clicking here. Now that we're all settled, here's my craptastic recap of this weeks episode of Rachel and Will making "Rockin' Risotto." I mean, they've spelled it Rissotto, but luckily I don't judge spelling mistake, I live them. Let's go:
  • Well looky-loo, Rachel is showing a little peek-a-boo cleavage in this episode. Way to distract Chef Will from his strategic cooking, Rach! Peek-a-boob!
  • Yeah, so I'm pretty convinced that Rachel is drunk. She seems a little to excited about Will making a rockin' risotto. I especially like the part where she introduces him like Ed McMahon and then does the "white guy at a wedding dance and point." All she need to complete that was bite her lower lip. Next time perhaps.
  • Rachel, of course, is stumped right off the bat when Chef Will says "rockin' risotto" and demands to know why it's called "rockin'" Um, because that's the name of. It's like saying, "Happy Easter!" You don't ask the person, "Wait a minute, why is it happy?"
  • Anyway, Will explains that he's adding a little Wasabi to the recipe and Rachel holds the bottle and yelps "Whoa!" like the bottle itself is hot. Someones been doing a little extra credit at acting school!
  • Oh crap. Will simply says that he's making a garlic lemon grass chicken and Rachel reacts like he just said to her, "Rachel, you're heading off to war today. Best wishes in Iraq!"
  • What the hell is already cooked on the stove in the back? Is this part of the recipe. I thought they usually just cook on that hot plate....you know, kinda like how you'd make soup and grilled cheese on your hot plate in college.
  • Oh please, Rachel makes it look like she's never seen a grater before. Yeah right. I'm sure that grater was claimed on her last restraining order. She puts it to the side as if she's going to use it later to taunt animals in the zoo. You know she's going to.
  • She's one sick bitch. She thinks the garlic and raw chicken in a glass bowl smells good. Mmmmmm, dead animal flesh. Yum!
  • Hahaha I f'n love this crap. Rachel wants to know when the chicken is cooked because she always "scared of the samanella thing." Samanella? I don't think I know Sam. Does she mean "Salmonella?" Sal and Sam are 2 different people. Doesn't anyone yell "cut" so they can shoot this shit again?
  • Um yeah, I'm not EVER eating at Chef Wills restaurant. He uses his right hand and touches the raw chicken and then about 30 seconds later he takes that same hand to place the cooked chicken on a plate. Gross. Wash your hand you sick son-of-a-bitch. I'd be more concerned with getting something from that than uncooked chicken, Rachel.
  • Rachel tastes it and puts all of her acting skills to use. Notice she doesn't swallow it. I just assumed she'd swallow. Anyway, even Chef Will is chugging some wine know. He knows this is a bust and I'm not just talking about Rachel's.
  • Rachel is a booze hound. Listen in the last few seconds you can hear her says she needs more wine. Uh, yeah you do. I say don't film another segment until you've had at least 5 glasses. Seriously, that would be great.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

...In Other News...

~ Sophie Monk's Outtie Va-Jay-Jay ~ DSF
~ What Celebrity is the "Publicity Addicted Psycho?" ~ AgentBedHead
~ Get Diddled Inside the Neverland Ranch! ~ CelebritySmack
~ Obama Pitt? ~ POTP
~ Time for Another Celebrity Puzzle! ~ Ayyyy
~ Demi Moore Gets Sucked ~ Yeeeah
~ How Does Kate Moss Still Model? ~ CityRag
~ Case of the Crisco Face ~ DListed
~ An Ode to Paula Abdul's Gloves ~ PopBytes
~ More News More News! ~ WeSmirch
~ Another Reason Why Jessica Simpson is Crazy ~ NinjaDude
~ Get Caught Up on The Hills ~ JustinBobby

Harriet Carter: Turn the Boobs On

Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday! I sometimes wonder if Harriet dreams of me as I dream of her. I assume so. I also assume that the real Harriet Carter has been dead for over 314 years. She probably died of Diphtheria on the Nina or the Santa Maria. Anyway, this week Harriet's rack lights up my room, Elvis chokes a bitch to to death, you can learn how to choke your own potato, and find a new way to get your kids ready for stardom. Let's go!


Product # 1 - Hey there slutty Susie! Put on your best gown and, apparently, feathers and put down those school books because you need to start practicing being the next Paris Hilton! Sure slutty Susie is loving the camera, but she isn't quite at celebrity status as she isn't even looking at the little doofus taking the picture. Hey dumbass, the camera is about 4 feet south. Slutty Susie is looking about 3 feet north. Perhaps she is one of those cock-eyed brats. I tried to zoom in, but was unable to see if she was. Now, the little doofus who's on his knees with his camera is actually more believable than slutty Susie. He's definitely going to be a great paparazzo as he is desperately trying to get the perfect shot of slutty Susie's "stinko-winko." If only he had a mirror duct-taped to a broom stick he may have got the goods. Either way, he's on his knees so by the looks of this kid that'll come in handy for him someday. What? Oh relax. I just mean he'll probably be a coal miner or one of those careers that you don't know actually exists anymore, but definitely does in those white-trash kind of states. You know, sorta like panning for gold. I guess people still do that. Don't they know they can just buy it? Anyway, not only do I digress, but I also forgot what I was talking about. Oh yeah, thanks Harriet for starting the skanks as young as can be on the red carpet.


Product # 2 - Honey? Can you turn the boobs on? Yeah, the boobs. Turn them on it's getting dark in here. It's pretty hot in here too. Can you turn on the penis fan? Thanks sweetie! If these are sentences that you want to shout out to your husband and wife well then boy does Harriet have the classy product for you. Throw away the clapper because you're getting the these lights on with a little "tune in Tokyo" action. Do you know how many times I've thought, "Hmmm this room could really use a pink rack-attack." Class up your boobs on a stick lamp by simply placing pink roses in the background and a set of pearls on the table. Sure some people will think it's tacky, but once they see those beautiful pearls they'll forget all about the fact that they're reading their book thanks to some knocker lighting.


Product # 3 - Do you love Elvis? Do you love sleeping standing up? Do you want Elvis to strangle you to death? Well if you've answered yes to 2 of these questions and "no" to 1 of these questions then you are in luck. Oh, and by "luck" I really mean "out of $19.99." Clearly Elvis has strangled this bitch to death. I'm not too sure why you need one of these pillows around your neck while you're standing, but then again I never really understood why so many people loved Elvis. Wasn't he a pedophile? Regardless, let's start that rumor. Moving on, that pillow doesn't even look nice. It looks all faded and crap like it's been in the backseat of a 1985 blue Oldsmobile Cutless Sierra since, literally 1985. It's to the left of the faded tissue box and to the right of the 15 stuffed animals that Grandma won at Bingo. I bet it itches too and you know that the stitching around the seam is totally going to come undone and then all cheap cotton is going to be all over the place. And you know it's not just cheap cotton, but the kind that was probably recalled because the country that it came from had a double mix of Typhoid and Malaria break out. Anyway, to sum up that pillow looks gross and that bitch is better off dead anyway. If that was my wife and she wasted our money on that she'd be dead anyway. I'm just kidding I wouldn't kill her. I'd hire someone to do it. I do have manners after all.

Product # 4 - All finished choking your chicken, fellas? Well don't stop there. Just strap on these "tater mitts" and start chocking your potatoes too! Who needs the brilliant invention of "the knife" or "the peeler" because we're taking cooking back to the caveman days. I say really freak out the neighbors and bring your sack of potatoes and your tater mitts right out on the front lawn and choke your potatoes in front of everyone. Kick it up a notch and place one potato (uncooked) in your pants. Next simply put on your tater mitts. Then place your hands down your pants (which I'm assuming is probably khakis if you're buying this product) and yell to the neighbors to check out what you're doing. Watch them squeal with delight, like the pigs they are, when potato peels are coming out of your pant leg. They'll think you're penis is flaking off. Was that not clear? I felt like it was, but sometimes I lose things in the typed word. This was all basically penis and balls jokes. Yeah? Carry on.

Well that concludes another useless segment of Harriet Carter Wednesday. See you in hell!


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Crested Butte Sells Out?


By now you know my love of Crested Butte and Heidi's horse. I made that clear in my Hills recap yesterday. Well IBBB reader, Hills fanatic, and Crested Butte stalker, Kristy (from cyberspace) alerted me of a Crested Butte website that looks like they use a nice photo of Heidi and her family. Sadly, it doesn't look like they're using an photos of Heidi's horse, which I think is just plain old rude. They could have easily replaced that little kid (Heidi's brother?) with that damn horse. I love that horse. Bastards.

Anyway, apparently even Crested Butte is selling out and latching onto anything they can "The Hills" related to sell a little ski time at The Butte. So come to The Butte, boys and girls, where you can probably see Heidi walking around with some skis and her new chin, nose nose, and new boobs. But it doesn't just stop there! If you get close enough you may even get to see her swollen lips. If you act now and buy 2 ski passes you increase the chances of seeing Steve Sanders roaming around The Butte with a boombox. Call now!

Thanks, Kristy, for The Butte tip. Nice detective work.

To check out The Butte's website yourself go to www.skicb.com/winter-town.html

What the Hell Happened to CariDee English?

Oh snap Tyra's going to be PISSED! What in the holy hell happened to CariDee English? In case you forgot who CariDee is, she was one of the winners of America's Next Top Model. Actually, who am I kidding. Of course you remember her as ANTM is played on repeat in marathon format every single weekend. Anyway, she's somehow morphed into Heidi Montag. Perhaps she could be her stand-in whilst Heidi goes in for additional surgeries.

CariDee was at the MAC Cosmetics & Heatherette New Makeup Collection....party? I wasn't aware that celeberations were held for such things but apparently they are and apparently they get all a-listers at these events because not only was CariDee there with her newly busted face, but also Angela and Vanessa Simmons from Runs House, as well as Amanda Lepore (who I'm still not 100% sure what he/she actually is).

Who lost out to CariDee? I'd be pissed.


Tyra Has a Stalker That's Worse Than Me!


I'm pissed. I've been stalking Tyra since I've been in NYC and even got as close as running into Nigel Barker at a GQ event last September, but apparently that's not good enough to get a fancy restraining order against me. Tyra's stalker, Brady Green (made up name?) who is 37 was arrested for being all 6's and 7's and charged with stalking, harassment, and criminal trespassing. Ho-hum. Green allegedly called Tyra constantly for months, sent her letters, flowers, and even tried to visit her at her studio.

Really? That's it? I bet it was just some guy who bumped into her and was like, "Hi Tyra" and she was like, "He wants me, he won't leave me alone." If only she spent time with him things could have been different. Perhaps teach him to smile with his eyes and how to "be hoochie but making it fashion." Tyra can cure if only she made the time. Selfish.

Well at least this guy isn't competition for me anymore. Now I should have a clear path into finding Tyra and putting her in a headlock and taking a picture with her as I've always wanted. I'll see you soon. Sleep well my Tyra baby.

Source It Up Ty Ty!

Jamie Lynn is Practically a Lady


When a man and a woman really love each other or get really drunk and have mismanaged sex a baby is made! See kids you can learn a lot from ImBringingBloggingBack. Anyway, once you're knocked up and 16-years old it only makes sense to get married. I mean it's very traditional and if there one thing I think about when I pondering the Spears family, it's "traditional." Rumor has it that Jamie Lynn Spear is, in fact, engaged to the father of her bastard child, Casey Aldridge. I guess if Casey Aldridge is going to play "penis machine gun" with Jamie Lynn and she ends up "with child" then they should get married because that's, clearly, a marriage based on love...adult love. Oh, and once they're married they finally won't have to deal with those pesky curfews anymore. It's a win win.

A drunken Spears family insider has told People Magazine, "She's got an engagement ring. She's been showing it off and talking about it." I highly doubt that's what was said. It was probably something more like this: "Yeeeee haw (gun shots, gun shots)! Jamie Lynn gots up and was doing braggin' 'bout that shiny metal round her fanger with some of them there sparkly glass on tops of its. I's even dipped it in my daddy's moonshine and it didn't go on and disappear or nothings. She's awfully happy, ya'll.!"

Who Said That!?

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

The Hills: The Paris Set Looks Nice

The Hills is FINALLY back after what seems like 2-decades and 3 Road Rules/Real World Challenges. This time around we pick up where we left off the last time...with Lauren and Whitney heading to Paris for the Korean/Crayon Ball. Heidi ditched the sunny LA lifestyle for Crested Butte and her horse. And Audrina just continued to exist. Will Whitney fall off the Eiffel Tower? Will the lines under Lauren's eyes spread to the rest of her face? Will Audrina just say "the hell with it" and show her boobs throughout the season since we've already seen them anyway? Will Lo and Jen Bunney have a "nose-off?" All this and much much less will be answered in this sadly long Hills recap since the first show is an hour. Here's what went down on this episode, Paris Changes Everything, of The Hills:
  • Audrina, Whitney, and Lauren come out to premiere the new episode live. I, of course, immediately yell out to my TV, "I've seen your boobs, Audrina!!"
  • Lauren and Whitney land in stinky Paris! Hooray! Whitney, of course, is wearing a beret and what I assume is the same socks that the Wicked Witch of the West wore when the house fell on her. Good luck Whitney, watch out for falling houses.
  • Uh, usually the people that pick you up from the airport don't talk to you so much. Perhaps this dude is the producer?
  • Sweet! Heidi and her mom are skiing in my favorite place, Crested Butte. I just like to say Crested Butte. Uh, I think Heidi may have fell whilst skiing as her lips look swollen.
  • Oh great, here we go. They're going to play a million French songs, aren't they?
  • Whitney First Quote of the Episode: Lauren and Whitney are picking up their dresses and Lauren says, "I love that there's feathers" to which Whitney does what she does best (recap what Lauren typically says) and says, "You love feathers." Thanks Whitney, I think I pieced that puzzle together myself. But, thanks for recapping!
  • The First Scripted Moment of the New Season: Uh-oh! The store that Lauren and Whitney need to get to in order to pick up shoes for the ball is CLOSED. I didn't see that coming. They do all the things they are supposed to at a time like this such as continue to try to pull the door open even though it's locked, peek into the store, scratch their heads, look around, and stand their with their mouths wide open (Whitney, of course). Brilliant acting girls...much better from last year.
  • Yeah, now we're getting good! Lauren thinks they should have gone naked to the Korean/Crayon Ball! I agree! Ever since seeing Audrina with boobs to the wind last week I am on a mission to see the rest of the cast naked...including Lisa Loveless. That's right, I said it!
  • The Second Scripted Moment of the New Season: Stephanie Pratt, or Sandy Sanders, goes to Steve Sanders apartment and he is all down in the dumps and even his apartment is a mess. Sad. Hopefully the face full of thick makeup that Sandy Sanders has on and her Indian braids will help cheer up Steve Sanders.
  • This just in....I am never buying a Dove product again. What the hell was that? The first commercial break had me confused. I thought I accidentally changed the channel. Why is Alicia Keys acting? How long is this? Is this a TV show? A Dove commercial? Yeah, add that to the list of things that just pissed me off.
  • Meanwhile, back at "The Butte" Steve Sanders shows up and Heidi's dads acting skills are really tested. Now I'm not sure how things work at "The Butte" but it looks like there's about 7 feet of snow on the ground and Heidi's dad has about 3,000 acres to take care of. Why, for the love of God, is he only using a shovel?!?! He's probably trying to up his chances of a heart-attack so he can peace out of Heidi's pathetic life.
  • Yowza this conversation is awkward. I'd rather see Tim talk to the horse then Spencer.
  • Nasty, more French music. We get it. They're in Paris.
  • Even worse. Kimball. I feel like he's really an intern with a little bit of power.
  • STOP THE PRESS. Are those debutant's transvestites? I'm pretty sure they are? They look like men in dresses. One, looks like the the illegitimate daughter of Lisa Loveless and Sylvester Stallone. Pretty.
  • Remember on "Three's Company" when Suzanne Somers was battling the producers for more money and would stop coming to the set because she was demanding more money and then that caused a ton of tension between the cast so they reduced her lines and would have her film on a different set and her character would have to "call in" to Jack and Janet saying that her aunt was sick so she'd be "out of town" for a little while? Yeah, well The Hills just pulled that with Audrina. Audrina "calls" Lauren to tell her some info about Brody and some chick. What a douche-bag. Not Brody, Audrina. Who calls their friend while they're away just to ruin their trip? I mean, I would, but that's because I have Satin-like qualities.
  • Third Scripted Moment of the New Season: Heidi and her mom are back home and, uh-oh, Steve Sanders is waiting in her living room. Luckily Heidi is camera ready with her hair slicked down to her head and a face full of makeup on. Darlene asks Tim (yeah I know their names) to help her with something out in the kitchen. How very "Cosby Show" of them. Heidi gives her dad a look that says, "I love this seasons script!"
  • Whitney and Lauren meet up with "a band" in Paris for the night. Seriously, I can't even take it anymore. This is GREAT! These dudes are smoking in the club and I'm pretty sure one dude has a perm. He actually looks like those old women who go to the salon to get their hair set in rollers once a week and then hairspray the piss out of it. Wait, it gets better. One dude, who apparently is the drummer, not only has Jim Carey's hair from Ace Ventura Pet Detective, but is also rocking a kick ass uni-brow! I hope all the cigarettes don't accidentally singe that uni-brow off!
  • Why do I feel like these guys look familiar? Why do I feel like these guys are just Brody, Frankie, and Justin Bobby all dressed up in costumes?
  • Ugh. These French accents are killing me. Lau-ren have you ev-er bin to ze Eiffel Tower? Kill yourself. Actually, kill me. I'll blog next week via a Ouija Board.
  • Uh-oh Lucy and Ethel are at it again! Lauren decides to take her mad expensive designer dress and sow it up to her knees so he can go out and booze. Brilliant idea. Take that designer dress, hike it up, and go to a place where there are drunk people...and smoking. You're going to smell great the next day for the Korean/Crayon Ball!
  • How much f'n snow is there at Crested Butte? It's covering the windows. Seriously, where is Heidi's parents horse? I hope they have a barn for it or it's going to freeze and, well, damn it I love that horse. I love The Butte. I love The Butte and that horse. I'm going to The Butte. That's final.
  • Heidi looks like a newscaster at dinner. No joke, she looks like a completely different person. She used to look more like her mom and now she looks more like a mix of Tori Spelling and Melissa Rivers. Quite a nice mix.
  • Sweet, the French dudes are back. This time they also bump into some guy that I'm calling "The French Justin Bobby." TFJB is an escort for the Korean/Crayon Ball.
  • Honestly, Lauren seems like such a bitch. These guys are trying to talk to her and she seems like such a douche. She has nothing to say. Hopefully she'll get trashed and get interesting.
  • What the F is TFJB doing? Is he on drugs? What was that dance move he just did and more importantly when will MTV stop using lighting that highlights the lines under Lauren's eyes?!
  • French people smoke a lot and run their hands through their hairsprayed hair a lot. Honestly, they do look like they stink. Maybe it's not just a stereotype. Maybe it's actually based on fact...as most stereotypes are.
  • Hilarious. I'm pretty sure that Lauren had her period on her dress. She thinks it's coffee, but I'm think it's that time of the month. Hahah oh wait, she burnt it with her curling iron. She's wicked smaaaaht. Apparently she left her curling iron on ALL night and her dress burnt. Didn't they smell fabric roasting?
  • Hhahaha I am seriously cracking up. Whitney, of course, says, "Oh my God, the curling iron does something like that!?" She says it like it's a person who should know better. Wow, a flaming hot stick could burn something? Go figure.
  • Lauren starts to cry, as she finally realizes what douche she is...oh and because her dress is roasting on an open fire. So they call to get another dress because Lauren is a spoiled careless bitch. I mean, she's still hot, but a spoiled careless bitch. Of course they give her a new dress.
  • Heidi wants Steve Sanders to move out of the apartment when she gets back. Is it even her apartment? I thought it was his and she moved into it. Uh, "Can you please move out of your apartment and let me live in it?" Good deal.
  • More French music.
  • Is Kimball wearing a swim cap or did he really slick his hair that much to his head? He should have a "slick-off" with Heidi!
  • TFJB brings out the manly debutant. No joke, I'm never going to Paris. It's official.
  • The Korean/Crayon Ball is boring. Next.
  • Lauren continues to make good decisions and goes with that random French dude with a beard on a scenic tour of Paris on a Vespa...in her dress...in the rain. She is such a selfish whore. She already ruined one dress. Good idea wearing this dress on a motorcycle in the rain. It must be nice to not care about anyone but yourself. That's not a judgement. I actually think it must be nice.

So what will happen next? Lo is back. Stephen Colleti is back. Justin Bobby is back. Sandy Sanders is back. Audrina's boobs are back. Why no Kristin Cavallari? Booo to that. Stay tuned for the next 9 weeks of episodes and I'll be back to recap the absolute piss out of them!

Click Here to Become MYSPACE Friends With the Jackass Behind These Recaps! You'll Love It and Regret It All at the Same Time!

Previous Hills Recaps...Click Here!

Britney Thought and Analysis of the Week!

I typically don't like to watch scripted television, which is why I stick to 100% reality shows like "The Hills." Anyway, I Tivo'd, tuned-in, fast-forwarded, and checked out Britney Spears on How I Met Your Mother. I was assuming there would be multiple shots of Britney flashing her "gentlemen greeter" but there weren't. I was disappointed and let down by Britney Spears, CBS, and Doogie Howser. However, this got me to thinking. Britney actually "acted" in this episode. She didn't sing. She didn't dance. She didn't just stand there. She memorized lines and then said them (in that order) and actually wasn't that bad. So, uh...er....um...I have a question. How come Britney can't "act" when she's in court trying to get her kids back? Oh I don't know, maybe "act" sane? Just a thought. I am neither an actor nor an acting teacher. I actually just wanted to use the words "neither" and "nor." Moving on, Britney should totally play this character while she's in court. At least give it a try. Perhaps she could flash the "gentlemen greeter" to the judge if all else fails. Fine. That was one just for me. I miss it. I haven't seen hers in a while. I barely remember what hers looks like. Good day.

Spencer's Busy, Let IBBB Take a Message: 2


Last weeks new weekly segment, "Spencer's Busy, Let IBBB Take a Message" was such a success that I decided to do it up again. In case you need to be caught up on what this is click here to read last weeks. Anyway, thank to all of you sick bastards who wrote in a question and sorry to those of you who I didn't choose. Keep sending them and I'll keep printing them out and shredding them! Here we go....

Dear Mental and Sarcasm Superior,
Due to my wide circulation of your website at my job, corporate decided to block all websites that would fall under the category "Entertainment." What should your devoted readers do about our tyrannical employer? We just want to read Harriet Carter Wednesday...None of them have even had the pleasure of 2 Minute Chef with retard Rachel!

Sincerely,
Broke Because I Had To Buy A Laptop And Internet Just To Read Your Website


Dear Broke Because I Had to Buy a Laptop and Internet Just To Read Your Website,

First off thanks for spreading the word of this website as it was the Gospel. Jesus would be proud...I say "would be" because you are currently dead to him, but that's another story for another time. Anyway, your company and boss sounds like a complete a-hole. I would suggest bringing your laptop to work and sitting out in the parking lot with a long extension cord, some tin-foil, and old rabbit ears and read during your lunch break. I'm clearly not suggesting for you to do work during work hours and read my site during your break. In fact, read my site during your break and spend your working hours figuring out how to download porn on the computer of your boss. Once successful, send out an "all internal" email from his computer telling everyone at your company to go F themselves. Be sure to sign it at the end with "The Diddler" under his name. Good luck!

Signed,
IBBB


Dear IBBB,

I have a question for you....why do all my friends suck???

Love Always,
Janine

Dear Janine,

You bring up a great question. Your friends suck because you never attracted the right kind of cool friends growing up. Perhaps you should have tried picking up smoking at a very young age. Couple that with excessive tanning and a gambling addiction and you would have attracted some kick ass friends. Plus, if you're a fan of "the alcohol" you would have always had a friend to be the one who would always be "drunker than you." That's just one theory. The other theory is that you are, in fact, the sucky friend and your friends are cool. Either way, the moral of this story is to smoke a lot, drink a lot, tan a lot, and gamble a lot and you'll be surrounded by a phenomenal group of people.

Signed,
IBBB and Joe Camel
Need advice from IBBB? Email me: ImBringingBloggingBack at Yahoo.com. Maybe I'll add your question to this site. Maybe I won't. At the end of the day, who really cares.

When Old Lady Cameltoe Attacks

You're sitting at the Knicks game minding your own business when all of a sudden out of nowhere elderly cameltoe rises up and begins to attack the crowd. This doesn't just happen in the movies, it happens in real life too. Kim Cattrall and some dude starring directly at her boobs, which surprisingly aren't around her knees, are really enjoying the game. So much so, in fact, that Kim jumps up, slightly bends, pushes out her cameltoe, raises her arms, and gives a smile to the crowd. Either this is a sign of Kim having a stroke or it's time to play everyones favorite ImBringingBloggingBack game, "The ImBringingBloggingBack Cameltoe Rating System....to the Stars!".

You know the drill. I will rate Kim on a cartoon camel rating scale out of 5. So, out of 5 possible camels, Kim is awarded 3! I originally was going to give her only 2, but since she is in full "attack mode" I felt she deserved the 3rd. Congratulations Kim.

And now for a Sex and the City spoiler!!! Spoiler Alert!!!!! They're all still douche bags! Enjoy the movie.

Monday, March 24, 2008

No More Sleeps Until The Hills Starts Back Up!

Today is a day off for IBBB as I am traveling back from Boston to NYC after Easter weekend. Also, I am using today as a day of total preparation and reflection of The Hills as it is back tonight in all of its glory! Come tomorrow morning you will be able to read IBBBs first Hills recap of the new season. And you thought Jesus rising from the dead on Sunday rocked! Oh, and I will now finally stop talking in the 3rd person.

See you all tomorrow bright and early (aka 9am). And by "see you all" I mean "not see you all."
In the meantime, please look at this Easter photo of Heidi and Steve Sanders and try to figure out where Heidi is hiding her Easter eggs. I'll give you a hint. It's not hidden in her new boobs, new chin, new nose, or new lips. Go!

Friday, March 21, 2008

Tori Spelling Begging for a Job


Tori Spelling basically wants to be in the new 90210 spinoff as badly as I want her to be in the new 90210 spinoff and she's not afraid to awkwardly beg for it. A lot of people don't like Tori, but not me. I love her. I mean, not for anything that she does really except that she seems to sellout at any opportunity that she gets and doesn't apologize for it. I, too, try these same tactics yet am less successful.

Tori was talking with People Magazine and not only stated that she wanted to be in the new 90210 spinoff, which I'm calling "90210 2: The Golden Hills," but she's even starting to develop her own character and come up with other ideas. I mean, no one has called her yet to even be a part of the show but she's clearing her schedule in her mind just in case. Here's the sTori on what Tori would like. If she doesn't get it I think 90210 will be hisTORI. Get what I did there? I simply replaced certain words with funny tori-isms the way that Tori did. Tori.

"My dad always wanted to do a new version of 90210, so I'm sure he will be beaming from above!" And I'd love to somehow be a part of it. That as well would make my dad proud!

So what kind of role does she envision for herself?

"Well, I am a mom now, proud to say, but obviously too young to have a teenager, so maybe I could be one of the main character's young stepmom. Playing the funny sex ed teacher at the high school would be funny, too, considering Donna Martin was America's most infamous virgin."

She adds: "The show was a huge part of my life. Ten years! I miss it dearly."

I suspect that Tori then added: "Please. No really. Please. I don't want to do reality shows anymore. Please? I'll even play Violet Bickerstaff again if they bring back Saved By the Bell!"

This Time Last Year: The Hills

Happy Friday and welcome back to everyones favorite lazy segment called "This Time Last Year." This Time Last Year will take a brief look at what was going on in the celebrity world...this time last year (go figure). Oh, and also I'm lazy so this is pretty easy to do on a Friday. Here's what was going on with The Hills, Whitney, and Whitney falling down the stairs this time last year...
  • There are hardly any episodes left of The Hills this season and, clearly, they are saving the best for last. Oh, and by "best" I mean "the one where Whitney falls down the stairs." I couldn't care less what happens in the rest of the episode, as long as I get to see Whitney go "sledding" down a flight of stairs I'm content. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not heartless. I even laugh when I fall. I just wish it was filmed. Sadly, it isn't. Luckily, Whitney's fall is filmed. Anyway, here are my brilliant, yet puzzling, thoughts on the latest episode of The Hills:
  • Woo-hoo! Emily the "super intern" is back baby! I am convinced that Emily is the daughter of Lisa Loveless. They definitely look like "mother/daughter." Not like Lindsay Lohan/Dina Lohan mother/daughter, but like legit mother/daughter.
  • After two seasons, I just noticed that the opening credits mainly consist of the girls each doing the same "face" with their mouth open and head tilted to the side. Good for them!
  • Why does Whitney say "fashion contributor" and put it in "air quotes?" I mean, is that the title or not?
  • Steve Sanders and Heidi eat Fajitas. Does Steve perm his hair?
  • "The girls" have to work the Good Morning America Fashion Show.
  • I wonder why the music they chose for this scene with Emily walking in is "La Cucaracha" which is Spanish for "the cockroaches." No joke. That's actually the song they are playing. If I were Spanish I would write a letter. I'm not, so I won't.
  • Lauren Howell is back too. If you remember her from the last time, all the direction she gave the girls the last time was to make sure the area wasn't "chaotic." Yup, she literally gives the same advice this time. Helpful. Somehow, though, Whitney still seems confused.
  • The editor from Vogue is talking so high I can't even hear him. Only dogs can hear him at this point.
  • In my favorite "scripted moment" of the episode, Whitney surprisingly gets picked to be a model at the fashion show! Who would have guessed that!?! Certainly not me. Kids, let me give some advice to you out there. You're not going to go from intern to "model." It's not going to happen. Study hard.
  • Yes! Here it is! Cue Whitney! Live on Good Morning America, Whitney slides right down the last 10 steps. Oh, they make this look like it's "Live" and I believe that it is, but it looks like they just taped up a "live" sign and stuck it to the top corner of the screen. Ghetto. Clearly, I loved it.
  • Emily really helps by saying, "at least you didn't really fall, like really fall." Yeah, no she literally fell. Legit.
  • Something is wrong with me. I actually feel bad for her. What is happening to my heart? What is this feeling? This must stop. STAT! Quick, Heidi say something stupid! Steve Sanders, quick cram more teeth in your mouth. Ahhh that's better. I'm back.
  • Lisa Loveless even has a heart and says some nice words to Whitney about "the fall." I'm not paying attention to what she is saying, because I wonder if she sweats Whitney.
  • As a surprise twist, Whitney may become the manager of all the interns. Kids, anything is possible. If Whitney can do it so can you!
  • Sweet, Heidi won't move in with Steve Sanders so he kicks her out of his car. What is Heidi's comeback? She legit slams the door and says "stupid car." Awesome. P.S Why are Heidi's shoulders always so high? Does she have asthma?
  • What will become of these two? Will Steve Sanders and Heidi break up for good? Will there be a season three? Will my mind completely rot? No, yes, and yes.

Thursday, March 20, 2008

...In Other News...

Ok. Sure. In other news...

~ Scarlett Johansson Will Sing Like Nobodies Business ~ AgentBedHead
~ Cartoon Britney: Almost As Crazy as the Real Thing ~ CelebritySmack
~ Celebrity Scare-Off ~ CityRag
~ A Side Order of Cavallari Rack ~ DSF
~ Alba's Ass is Ready for the Baby ~ NinjaDude
~ Oprah's Big Give Goes to Her Thighs ~ PopBytes
~ Buy Britney's Car, Now With Fresh Taco Scent! ~ POTP
~ Lohan Does a "Loving Making" Video Cassette Tape? ~ Yeeeah
~ Solid Gold Courtney Love ~ Ayyyy
~ Pete Wentz Needs a Hug ~ FatBack
~ More Celebutard News ~ WeSmirch

America's Next Top Model: Paint & Poses



Please welcome back America's Next Top Model resident recapper here at IBBB, Jenny. Here's what J-Dog said went down on last nights America's....Next....Top....Model.
  • What does Claire's tank top say? Does it say I love Labor Labor? Or does it say I love Gabor Gabor? I can't make out the first letter.
  • And here is Benny Ninja, all lit up in his ridiculous glory. Honestly, this show is getting a little de ja vu. Honestly, this show is getting a little de ja vu. Can't they dig up some new nuts in the fashion world?
  • Cue the obligatory fight over the phone. Blah blah blah, I need to talk to my kid. Blah blah blah, you're disrespectful. Blah Blah blah, you're a racist. Down by the shores of the hanky panky...where the bullfrogs jump from bank to banky....because that has as much significance as anything else here.
  • The girls head to Brooklyn and meet up with super model Vendela. It's a pose off. Is that a thing? Oh even better. It's like a dance battle. Head to head....How Electric Boogaloo.
  • Claire is the individual pose winner. She wins a trip to Bora Bora. Her team wins overall. They win swag. Oh but it's good swag, like sunglasses, purses, jewelry. Not typical office swag, like you won a sales contest so here's some leftover mugs with the company name and a lame ass mini rubber chair to put your cell phone in. Oh and don't forget these pens that say President's Club 2001.
  • When the girls get back to the house, Fatima continues to practice posing. Other girls are drinking 40's. Do people still drink 40's? I think the last time I drank a 40 was in 1993 before a local carnival. There's nothing like drinking a 40 and riding the thunderbolt while "Stroke Me" blares.
  • It's photo shoot time! This week's shoot is close ups. But it wouldn't be a Tyra shoot without some nonsense. So, they squeeze and dump paint on the girls' heads. I say kick it up a notch. Throw these girls on a pottery wheel and turn them into spin art.
  • After a painful deliberation (painful for me, not the judges) Marvita is asked to go home. Are we surprised, really? Do you think she's pissed that she let Tyra give her a mullet, only to be sent home? Some things to think about...

Wanna See J Lo's Twins?

Wanna see J Lo's twins and I'm not talking about her ass cheeks! First of all, she made it clear, don't call her J Lo. Saint Jennifer Lopez de las Bronx and her two new kids that she shot out of her "gentlemen greeter" were on the cover of People Magazine. Check out Max and Emme in a 12-page spread as they sit there and pretty much that's all they do because they're 30 days old.

Hopefully Saint J Glow sings soft lullabies to them such as, "Waiting for Tonight" and "My Love Don't Cost a Thing." Those were always sweet songs that were sung to perfection. Sure only dogs could hear some of the notes, but that only adds to the serene nature of the voice of Saint Jennifer Lopez de las Bronx.

Pick up this weeks People Magazine at your local drugstore this Friday right next to the multiple packages of Peeps and to the left of US Magazine that more than likely will have a picture of either Lauren Conrad or Heidi Montag on it.

Source It Up!

Tough Break, Adopted Kids of Jolie-Pitt

Wow! It's a tough day to be an adopted child of Brad and Angelina. Always asking the questions that matter, Us Weekly ran a poll asking their readers who was their favorite Jolie-Pitt. With 41% of the winning vote, Shiloh is in the lead! What happens to the kids that weren't voted the favorite? Well, since they're all basically in a 3-way tie for last place I'd assume they'll be banished from the mansion and sent back to their homeland where they'll be sewing tags onto the back of Nike t-shirts and stitching initials into tennis balls. Well, good luck with that kids! You had a great run thus far. Congratulations Shiloh! You're white. You're not adopted. Clearly that's enough for us sick Americans to vote you the most popular. Sorry again, children of other nationalities. It's better you learn these lessons now.

Live From a Cave, It's Osama Bin Laden!!


It's been a while since that zaney Osama Bin Laden issued a message to us infidels in the United States, but the script is almost finished and we should be hearing from him soon! What a treat! Now I'm not sure if Osama and his frienemies are blogging from an undisclosed cave, but this is the most recent statement: "Urgent, very soon by the will of God the response is what you see and not what you hear, by the warrior sheik, Osama bin Laden."

You have to admit, that's a pretty good introduction. In a world where we're used to hearing celebrities being introduced in the SNL format of, "We have a great show for you tonight. Mariah Carey is here, so stick around we'll be right back!" this is a nice change of pace.

I'm interested in seeing what he's looking like these days. I mean, no one can seem to find him but every time he releases a video he always has his hair done and his beard freshly dyed black. He may be living in an underground bunker, but he's clearly easy, breezy, beautiful and he's worth it! His beard is so thick and bushy I'm pretty sure if the cameras panned down you'd see Diana Ross crouching down underneath him. Oh! Stop me if you heard this one!

Anyway, so the tape should be released soon and I swear to Allah if this tape is released and aired the same time The Hills starts back up I'm going to take a boat to Tajikistan and find him myself.


Source It Up!

8 Women Who Won Lottery Don't Deserve It


Blagh. There's nothing worse then seeing those people who win the lottery and are standing there holding up a life-sized check, having a press conference, and then utter the words "I'm going back to work!" Really? Are you? Because that's stupid. You just won $276 million dollars. As soon as you say that you no longer deserve the money. It's official. Thanks for rubbing it in our faces, by the way. Do you know how much money I would need to win to quit my job? $10,000. No really. $10,000. Actually, make that $7,550. That'll do. And I'd quit my job like I'd won $276 million. I'd be jumping up and down, throwing my files all over the place, kick my shoe right through my computer screen, and take a crap on my dry-erase board. Sure that part would be challenging, but I'd find a way to do it.

These 8 women who won the $276 million will each get $12 million after taxes. Yeah $12 million. You wanna know where they live? West Virginia. No really, they do. No offense to West Virginia, I'm sure it's very nice, but I'm pretty sure you don't need $12 million to survive. I hear 3 easy installments of $19.99 will actually last you for more than 2 decades, but perhaps that's just an old wives tale (or "old wise tale" as I thought it was called up until about 2-weeks ago).

So anyway, you enjoy yourself going back to work knowing you don't need to be there and think of me. Think of me trying to figure a way out of this place every second of every day of every week of every month of every year. Congratulations on your winnings. Can I have some?

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

...In Other News...

It's been revealed recently that Pete Wentz tried to kill himself in a Best Buy parking lot by taking all of his anti-anexiety medication at once. Hmm. I once tried killing myself at a Best Buy when they tried to make me buy a lifetime warrenty on a $25.00 camera. It left me with thick black glasses and flat-ironed hair too. I feel his pain. In other news...

~ Courtney Love Goes on the Attack ~ AgentBedHead
~ Dancing With the Stars Sex Scandal. Finally a Reason to Watch ~ CelebritySmack
~ Job Closed: Britney Already Hired a Panty Inspector ~ NinjaDude
~ Is Tori Spelling Having a Boy, Girl, or Money Monster? ~ POTP
~ Is Aubrey Hot? Sometimes Yes, Sometimes No ~ Ayyyy
~ Get Your Sex Tape Update! ~ Yeeeah
~ Rapping Hooker Gone Wild? ~ FatBack
~ Even More News! ~ WeSmirch
~ Get Caught Up on American Idol ~ AmericanIdol411
~ Me Gusta Adriana Lima! ~ DSF

Audrina Responds to Nude Photos

Audrina has sent me a message. Yes, a message. Ok, well she sent out a Myspace bulletin, but I feel like she was speaking directly to me. I also hear voices in my head as a side story. Anyway, here are deep thoughts on Audrina explaining her skanked out naked boobies situation:
Reg޲޲ar޲d޲i޲ng޲޲ the޲޲ pho޲޲to޲s޲ tha޲޲t som޲޲eo޲n޲e޲ rel޲޲ea޲s޲e޲d to the޲޲ pub޲޲li޲c޲ tod޲޲ay޲ wit޲޲ho޲u޲t޲ my con޲޲se޲n޲t޲, I wante޲d޲ you޲޲ to kno޲޲w the޲޲y wer޲޲e tak޲޲en޲ whe޲޲n I was޲޲ jus޲޲t out޲޲ of hig޲޲h sch޲޲oo޲l޲ and޲޲ beg޲޲in޲n޲i޲ng޲޲ to mod޲޲el޲.޲ I int޲޲en޲d޲e޲d the޲޲m to be art޲޲is޲t޲i޲c and޲޲ not޲޲ in any޲޲ way޲޲ pro޲޲vo޲c޲a޲ti޲޲ve.޲޲ The޲޲ pho޲޲to޲s޲ wer޲޲e for޲޲ per޲޲so޲n޲a޲l and޲޲ por޲޲tf޲o޲l޲io޲޲ use޲޲ onl޲޲y and޲޲ not޲޲ mea޲޲nt޲ to be see޲޲n by the޲޲ pub޲޲li޲c޲.޲ I was޲޲ nai޲޲ve޲,޲ ove޲޲rl޲y޲ tru޲޲st޲i޲n޲g of peo޲޲pl޲e޲ and޲޲ ine޲޲xp޲e޲r޲ie޲޲nce޲޲d.޲ I tho޲޲ug޲h޲t޲ tha޲޲t to be a mod޲޲el޲ you޲޲ had޲޲ to be com޲޲fo޲r޲t޲ab޲޲le in fro޲޲nt޲ of the޲޲ cam޲޲er޲a޲.޲ I'm޲޲ not޲޲ ash޲޲am޲e޲d޲ of the޲޲se޲ pho޲޲to޲s޲,޲ but޲޲ I don޲޲t wan޲޲t my you޲޲ng޲ fan޲޲s to thi޲޲nk޲ the޲޲y hav޲޲e to do wha޲޲t I did޲޲. I hop޲޲e peo޲޲pl޲e޲ can޲޲ lea޲޲rn޲ fro޲޲m my ine޲޲xp޲e޲r޲ie޲޲nce޲޲. It'޲޲s bee޲޲n alm޲޲os޲t޲ fiv޲޲e yea޲޲rs޲ sin޲޲ce޲ I pos޲޲ed޲ for޲޲ tha޲޲t sho޲޲ot޲,޲ and޲޲ dur޲޲in޲g޲ tha޲޲t tim޲޲e I hav޲޲e lea޲޲rn޲e޲d޲ man޲޲y les޲޲so޲n޲s޲ abo޲޲ut޲ thi޲޲s bus޲޲in޲e޲s޲s.
޲޲xox޲o
Audrina
Uh, "xoxo?" Unless you're 7 yrs old and signing a birthday card to your great grandfather please stop using the "xoxo." Also when you said, "I was޲޲ nai޲޲ve޲,޲ ove޲޲rl޲y޲ tru޲޲st޲i޲n޲g of peo޲޲pl޲e޲ and޲޲ ine޲޲xp޲e޲rie޲޲nce޲޲d" you forgot one other thing; horse-teeth.
Oh Audrina, no need to apologize It's about time you up'd your audience from teen girls (and me) to adults who want to see you naked. Be proud! I salute your boobs to the wind. I am grateful, however, that I didn't make up this morning to see Heidi in my inbox with her uni-boob exposed. Hahah inbox.

Audrina Naked for Playboy??



Holy tats, teef, and tits Batman! Aurina may look dead in the eyes, but her boobs are alert and possibly smiling. Apparently when Audrina graduated from High School (I need to see proof with a diploma) she took some test-shots to audition for Playboy. She put on some pilgrim shoes, a school-girl skirt and let her boobs just blow in the breeze.

According to to TMZ.com Audrina has issued a statment on these photos saying, "I took these photos years ago when I was just out of high school and beginning to model. I was young and very trusting of others and I didn't know to protect myself. It is a lesson learned, for myself, and hopefully for the young girls who look up to me."

Bom chica bom bom! Aurina boobs? Check. Audrina ass? Check. Audrina boobs and ass? Check. Audrina blindingly white teeth that almost distracts your from her boobs? Almost "check" but even her teeth can't distract me.

I'm looking forward to the day when Lisa Loveless' topless photos appear on the Interweb, but not from when she was 18....I'm talking about now, when she's like 55. Hot.

Anyway, I say good for Audrina and good for her rack. Finally, we get to see what Justin Bobby saw in her. It all makes sense now. 5 more sleeps until The Hills!

Check Out the Rest of the Photos Here-->Photo Credit!

Harriet Carter: Cut, Kill, and Vacuum

Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday! Do you ever wonder what Harriet Carter looks like nude? I do. Anyway, this week Harriet rips the hair out of our head, reminds us what white trash looks like in the form of a sweatshirt, kills grandma, and teaches little girls exactly what's expected of them when they grow up. Let's go!


Product # 1 - Are you easy, breezy, and beautiful? Have a few hundred knots in your hair? If you've answered yes to either of these questions you're probably the type of strong willed woman who believes that hairdressers don't know what the hell they are doing. I mean, why go to a trained hair-cutting professional who has about 156,993 hours of schooling. What do they know? You need a haircut, you do it yourself. If it worked for the Pilgrims on the Mayflower then it certainly can work for you. Now Harriet will teach you how to cut your own hair so you get the look you want every single morning. It looks effortless and painless. Just look at the lady who's trying it out! She seems calm, happy, and carefree. You can barely tell that the hair-cutting contraption is literally ripping the knots out of her head and that there are small blood droplets on the comb-cutter. Don't worry that you'll F up the back of your head because you can't really see it, because remember if you can't see it then no one else can, right? Right! It's just hair. It will grow back. I'm not sure if that still hold true when you're ripping it out by the root, but it's worth a shot. As a side note, it's great to see Brett Butler from Grace Under Fire working again!Product # 2 - You are a no-nonsense kind of woman and it's about time you let every know what you will and won't stand for (insert z-snap here). If you're tired of letting men walk all over you and you love your cat you should let them know that...on a shirt perhaps! This award winner states: "Women and Cats Will Do As They Damn Well Please....Men are Just Going to Have to Get Used To It!" By utilizing the word "damn" you're really getting your point across and also by using the italic and bold options you are letting everyone know how mad you are all whilst informing the public your love for cats. It's a million dollar idea! This got me to thinking though and you know that's never a good thing. I end up smelling burnt toast and falling off my chair (audience applause). Don't cats lick their own crotch? Maybe they should update that shirt to capture a larger audience, no? Perhaps it could say something catchy like: "Women and Cats Lick Their Own Crotch...Men Are Just Going To Have to Get Used To It....and Perhaps Join In. You Know the Technique. Try Mouthing the Alphabet. You Know My Letter. M. M. M! That's It!" Wait, where was I? Oh yeah, so that may be a little long, but they could always wrap that saying around the back of the shirt of something. Honestly, it's like I'm a marketing genius.



Product # 3 - Surprise Grandma! We want you dead! Uh-oh watch out for the scary toilet monster. While cookey cartoon Grandma looks startled and funny all at the same time, real life Grandma will be making out with the hard bathroom tile as she goes into cardiac arrest. Oh you kids! You're such a hoot! I'm not sure what the arrow in the picture is trying to tell us. Perhaps the toilet monster then jumps out of the toilet and onto Grandma's pink robe. I'm sure it's been a while since Grandma got any action so a little "toilet monster motorboat" before she says hello to Jesus is a great way to whore herself out of this life. I'm not sure how realistic that toilet monster is though. Is he wet when he pops out? Does he have piss dripping off his face once the toilet opens? Is there any human feces wedged into his eyes? Doubtful. A real toilet monster would have all of those things and more. Geesh, Harriet, at least try to make it look realistic. If you're going to kill Grandma let's try to make it authentic ok rookie?



Product # 4 - Hi little girls of America! Put down those math books and throw away those science books because you're never going to need them when you grow up. You see, you'll just be holding down your real life job...house cleaner! Thanks to Harriet Carter and your mom now all of your household items can be dressed up in animal dolls clothes! Girls don't like playing with dolls do they? Oh they do? Well then looks like this subliminal messaging will work! Look honey the vacuum is dressed up like a rabbit wearing a dress! Now chase that rabbit around the living room and by "chase it" I really mean "plug it in and use it on the rug." There you go! Now we're all having fun. Make sure you chase your brother around with the vacuum cat doll as boys do not like dolls and will definitely send the message that they do not need to vacuum when they grow up, as women like to do this. House cleaning can be a real hoot! If they really wanted to promote equality they would have one of those vacuums dressed up like a $2.00 whore that likes to do the "sucky sucky." I bet little Jimmy would definitely want to take his "doll vacuum" for a ride then! Thanks for keeping little girls stuck in the 1950's, Harriet! Let's hope they never get the chance to vote!

Well that concludes another segment of Harriet Carter Wednesday. Go F youself!