Wednesday, April 30, 2008

...In Other News...

Harriet Carter: Get Pretty and Stuff

I've always said that Harriet Carter was easy, breezy, and beautiful so it's about time to see how Harriet gets herself looking purdy each and every day. I've also said Harriet is a white-trash honky so I've tossed in one of those products too. Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday girls, boys, and skanks! Let's go!Product # 1 - Hey there Rach! Fancy seeing you here 2 weeks in a row. I've always wondered how you've stayed so youthful and now I know the answer. You wear Frownies! Frownies I say? Yes, Frownies I say. Looks like the Hollywood secret to beauty is out of the bag with this one. All you need to do is simply place the individual Frownies on your face, stand, remove, and PRESTO! You'll be as tight as nun. Wait what? Anyway, Failure Model Chick has been humiliated once again because this time Harriet is letting her know where all of her "problem areas" are. This will include in between her eyes, right next to her eyes, and on both sides of her mouth. Basically, she should be covering her entire face with these Frownie stickers. What you don't know is that good old FMC also has two of these placed on each one of her rack-attacks. It keeps them firm when you can't quite afford the surgical procedure. The good news is that FMC looks super psyched to be modeling these stickers and doesn't look like she regrets dropping out of High School in the least. Looks like not studying for midterms really was worth it, huh Rach? Thanks, Harriet, for making us easy.
Product # 2 - Please. Trained professionals, trained schmofessionals! Who needs a certified doctor to give you a microdermabrasion when you can clearly do this on your own. All you need is your cream and what I can only assume is a sander that doubles as a "gentlemen greeter wand." This lady looks like she's having the time of her life while sanding years off her face. It doesn't look like it hurts at all. Her face is saying, "Hehehe this tickles...and by 'tickles' I really mean burns. Someone, please call the burn center immediately." I wouldn't spring for this product if you're low on cash though. You probably have these tools lying around your house and you don't even know it. Go down to your basement and pull out your husbands floor sander and then head back upstairs and take the mayonnaise out of the refrigerator. Now, if you want "real professional" looking results here's a helpful tip ladies. Simply fill up your bathtub with luke-warm water, get in, and then plug in the sander. You will take years off your face in seconds and you're going to look hot when you meet Jesus in the next few minutes. Thanks, Harriet, for making us breezy.
Product # 3 - Sing along if you know the words. Here comes the bride...all dressed in cheap shit. Here comes the bride....and six more weeks of winter? I have no idea how the song goes. Have any friends in 2008 that are getting married? Are you looking for a classy way to show them how much you care? Well you're in luck because now you can buy this elegant "Husband and Wife" tree ornament that I'm pretty sure was made by blind kids without fingers who are chained to their desks in Tajikistan. Look at all that fine detail! I'm certain that the bride was modeled after our very own Paris Hilton. The way that have both eyes cocked is pure magic. And speaking of cock, looks like the groom is ready for the honeymoon already. Hopefully it won't take him too long to rip through that high-fashion gown. Sure that lace will take a few minutes to get through, but once you do you only have 6 more layers to rip off until you get to that prize that you are now calling your wife. These 2 look so happy together. Actually, they look like they got married at a funeral. They look miserable. They need Frownies. Would it have been that difficult to draw on some smiles? Geesh! I tell ya, child slaves in Tajikistan just don't put the same effort into mass production like they used to. Times really are changing. Anyway, best luck to the 2 of you. By the looks of this whole ornament, they'll be setting the entire tree on fire with their flammable attire. It's a wedding to remember.

Product # 4 - That's right you tell 'em! And when you do tell 'em make sure you're still smiling. Now, thanks to the magic of pumps, tubes, and a rubber hand you can let everyone in your life know just what you think of them. Simply place the ridiculous hat on your ridiculous head and place the ridiculous pump in your ridiculous hand and ridiculously squeeze. Through this patent-pending technology you will be giving everyone the middle finger! That's sweet. Now for those of you out there that can't really tell what this hat is trying to do because of the big "censored" sign that they've placed over it... that would be the middle finger, which is an American tradition and symbol that basically says, "Hi neighbor! Would you like to come over for lunch?" You should try it out. Kids, wear it to school on "dress down day" and give a big salute to your douche-bag teacher! Now let me ask. What do you do with the pump when the finger is not in use? Does it just dangle off the side whilst your walk around? And how long is that tube because it's nowhere near the hat. I mean, regardless of those two questions this is, most certainly, a very practical hat and well worth the money. Do me a favor, though, once you purchase it. Put it on, stand in front of the mirror, and squeeze the pump. Invite yourself over for lunch!


I Smell Olsen Sauce


Mary-Michelle-Ashley-Kate-Gibbler-Tanner-Olsen may be trying to blend into the night in her Olsen Camouflage, but I can smell Olsen sauce from a mile away and it smells like day old buffalo wings. Mmmm buffalo wings. Anyway, the Olsen in question (doesn't matter which one) was attending the "Chanel Tribeca Film Festival Dinner" in NYC just the other night. It's important to note that while this particular Olsen Slut is not showing any of her big-girl teeth she is smiling with both her lips and her eyes. Yes, that is a pleased Olsen ready to tackle the world! Technically, that's the best kind of Olsen for all of you who are keeping track at home.

This Olsen is also displaying her hand in a friendly sort of gesture that says to the public "Good evening. I am approachable" while her other hand is placed firmly over her stomach, which says, "A baby would live in here, but the space is currently being occupied by diet pills and undigested Splenda packets." This Olsen better watch her back because that shadow has been behind her in every single picture. I wonder who it is? Oh wait.

Oh Paula, No No Paula, No No

I was moments away from slipping into a coma watching the American Idol kids sing Neil Diamond songs when all of a sudden Paula came to life like Vicki the robot from Small Wonder. In case you missed it, each contestant would sing their one song without any critique from the "judges." After each sang their first song, and only their first song, all the crackheads came back onto the stage so the judges could give quick feedback. Ok, so that's the first red flag. There's no way that in a time constraint pressure situation Paula would be on her game. And she wasn't. Paula gave feedback for both of Jason's songs. Oh and the only thing was that he only sang one song. Randy jumped in like child embarrassed of his aging parent and tells Paula that Jason only sang one song and Paula says, "You didn't sing 2 songs?" Oh Paula, no no. No no Paula. I'm pretty sure Paula smelled burnt toast and was in process of having a massive stroke. At one point I'm almost positive I saw smoke coming out of Paula's ears. Poor Vicki the Robot was about to combust!

Why Paula's reality show didn't do better is amazing to me. I would like to just follow Paula around for 48 hrs and see what it was like.

Sidenote, my favorite of the night was Syesha Mercado. There I said it. You know if Kristy Lee Cook was still in it she would have been singing "America" dressed in army fatigues and healing lepers right on the stage. Too bad for her.
Updated With Clip Below:

The Hills Does Rolling Stone

When all else fails, just toss the skanks from The Hills onto your cover and you've got yourself a winning idea! Lauren, Heidi, Audrina, and Whitney all posed together for the cover of Rolling Stone recently and here is the magic in a bottle. When I first saw it I thought it was f'ing dumb, but then as I looked at it a little longer and I realized just how immaculately brilliant it really was! Rolling Stone has captured the personality of each of the cast members perfectly.

First off you have Heidi who is, of course, sticking out her ass. This symbolizes Heidi always ready to take it up the pooper for her chance at fame and opportunity. She's also partially looking over her shoulder because she's never quite sure just when someones going to jump her for all she's worth (i.e Spencer). Well played.

Next you have Audrina who is posing as if she were at her annual Glamor Shots sessions because, let's face it, that's the best modeling that Audrina can do. Fake tan. Fake teeth. All admirable qualities in my book.

Now we have Lauren, or LC, as I (and only I) call her. They've perfectly captured LC looking down and laughing which clearly depicts the life of LC - always looking down upon people and laughing at them. I would imagine they had a face cutout of Lisa Loveless stapled to the ground and that's what LC is laughing it.

And finally....there's Whitney. Whitney can barely stand up on her own two feet and is being physically held down by Lauren. She's tries to keep her smile going, but smiling and standing at the same time are certainly not Whitney's strengths.

So for those who've said "Don't judge a book by its cover" you were completely wrong in this case. This cover has The Hills Whores down...to...a....science. Brilliant.

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

...In Other News...

The hills are alive with the sound of smugness. In other news...

The Hills: Stephen is Back, Pointlessly



Reunited and it feels so good. Hot glue your cheap looking hair extensions to your scalp and grab your red keg cups because it's Laguna Beach reunion night on The Hills! Stephen Colletti is going to be swinging by the set of The Hills to party it up with LC, Lo, and the rest of the kids. Will LC and Stephen get back together? Uh, how about "no" since they were all on Howard Stern earlier in the day and saying that LC was dating someone now. Thanks for the spoiler. Again, all The Hills kids need to go into hiding in between seasons.

One last thing before I start the recap. Um, so remember how back on Friday, April 18th, I broke some Hills news about Heidi and Spencer and specifically said that Spencer talked about how there was "100% a sex tape?" Notice how yesterday and late last week that came out again on Perez, Us Weekly, Tyra Banks, E! Online, the Ryan Seacrest show, etc? Just a reminder that you IBBB readers read it here FIRST. Moving on. Here's what down on The Hills:
  • Remember when Mona from "Who's the Boss" had to live on top of the garage because she had no other place to go? Yeah, well Audrina is the new Mona because she's living in the guesthouse Kato Kaelin style. Hopefully, she won't go all OJ and stab the piss out of LC and Lo. Maybe she will, stay tuned.
  • Does Lo know she's on TV? She's be so preoccupied with her new nose that she forgot to chisel the shellack out of her rats nest of a hairdo.
  • Hahaha Steve and Sandy Sanders are at the "Central Perk" of the west coast, although there is not one other person in the coffee shop. I like the new set. Anyway, Sandy orders her coffeeish thing and miraculously is handed it about 3 seconds later. Poor Steve Sanders has the flu, which apparently causes him to never blink. Oh, and cue the conversation about Sandy Sanders going to LC's house-warming party. Blah blah loyalty....blah blah I don't blink.....blah blah why do we always have different hair styles in every scene. Blah blah.
  • Actually, I think Steve and Sandy Sanders went off the script when Steve tells Sandy that her semi-formal date in high school wasn't really her boyfriend. They kind of awkwardly smile/laugh and keep on "arguing." Wasn't Sandy Sanders locked up during high school for stealing and meth and some shit?
  • Wow for just moving into a house 4 minutes ago, these skanks have the place decorated, painted, and good to go. I know when I move into a place the first thing I do is light my tiki torches. Actually, that's the second thing I do. The first thing I do is lock my dead in the eyes friend with blindingly white teeth in the guesthouse.
  • The girls are cutting up shit in the kitchen for their party and Lo is doing so in what I can only imagine is her prom dress. She is so formal, especially when pronouncing her words. Last week she said, "cot-ton" and this week she's doing that weird thing with the letter "t" by calling them "cur-Tins." I like how she hyphenates for me. Oh yeah, hyphenate...that's the spot. Huh?
  • Holy editing Batman! Audrina mentions that Justin Bobby is coming to the party and then they just start showing quick shots over everyones face. Lo, the douche that she is, tells Audrina that maybe Justin Bobby will wear his cowboy hat. Next thing you know the edit machine goes haywire and starts showing quick face shots again of Audrina, Lo, and LC. There is silence, except for the chopping, and then the editing machine stops. I was confused by all of this. They are such douche's to Audrina. That must be the new storyline.
  • LC rules this house with an iron fist. When Lo asks LC about Stephen she tells her to stop and not get all 9th grade on her. Lo better listen or she's gonna be locked in the guesthouse too along with the rest of the Goonies.
  • Fiesta time. Jarret and Whitney arrive and are shown for literally 2 seconds. That's all we'll see of them for the remainder of the show. No joke. They could have just used cardboard cutouts (it's the same thing with Whitney anyway).
  • Brody shows up with a juicer (because he's a tool) and his new girlfriend, Cora. Let's take a minute with Cora. Cora is way hot. She's way hotter than LC and LC knows it. If I were LC I would have put on all my jewelry, took my boobs out of my shirt, and held up my dads bank account because there is NO WAY she's competing with Cora. Oh, and maybe LC should take off her name ring because, like the name necklace, those weren't cool even in 1994.
  • Meanwhile, back at the set of Heidi's apartment Sandy Sanders talks with Heidi about going to LC's party. At the end, Sandy decides to not go and watch movies with Heidi. Fun. Maybe they'll watch the LC sex tape? Or better yet, maybe they'll watch scenes from The Hills: Season One and try to figure out which one is Heidi since she looks like a different person.
  • Stephen shows up for his paid stint on The Hills and then Justin Bobby walks in moments later with his new haircut. He then apparently goes right into the guesthouse. He probably figured Audrina wasn't released from the guesthouse for her party. He's smart like that.
  • The "next day" LC and Sandy Sanders are at school talking about the party. Why the hell does LC ask her if she remembers her high school friend Stephen? Didn't Sandy Sanders just meet LC last season? Sandy says she doesn't know who he is. Wait a second, that's a lie. You know she totally watched Laguna Beach. LC was kinda like, I went to high school with him in Laguna Beach...and it was filmed....for a show....called Laguna Beach....on MTV...and it turned into a spinoff.....called The Hills....which you're kinda starring in.....right now.....see the camera guys around us......noticed how they follow you......the reason why you have a microphone clipped to you at all times......yeah, that Stephen.
  • Ross and Rachel head out to dinner and they talk about high school and how their parents are all intrigued by what will happen with them together. The pointless date is over and they go home. This was f'n boring. Does Stephen always have a camera in his truck? Maybe it's left over from Laguna Beach.
  • Seriously, Lo is the worst. She is forever "Lo" from Laguna Beach. I'm embarrassed for her.

Next week on The Hills the girls get a dog and that's about it. Oh, and they continue being douche bags to Audrina so she may move out. Heidi may go to Vegas for work...for about 3 seconds. Shit, they better start coming up with some new stuff STAT.

Click Here for Past Hills Recaps

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Ant Becks Back on TV?


Sweet! All my Full House dreams have almost come true! Ant Becky-Becks may be playing the role of the mom on that new 90210 spinoff. Brilliant! Random drunken sources are claiming that Lori Loughlin will play Celia Mills, an ex-Olympic athlete who relocated to Beverly Hills 90210 with her husband who's the new principle of Beverly Hills High...and their two kids, who I assume are still Nicky and Alex.

I say bring it on! I can only hope that Mrs Teasley is still at Beverly Hills High and on the lookout for drunken seniors who are attending the prom. No joke, if she is, my sad and pathetic life would be complete. Anyway, Ant Becks as an ex-Olympian makes me a little anxious. I mean, I don't know if she can handle this big move to Beverly Hills. Remember what happened when Uncle Jesse was a huge success over in Japan and Ant Becks decided to "leave the tour" and head back to the good old US of A? It almost broke up their marriage and they would have had to move out of Danny's attic. See? A lot can happen. I will give bonus points to the new 90210 if they really do cast Nicky and Alex as her kids and will award even more bonus points if the theme song is "I'm the Cute One" and is sung by Nicky and Alex themselves. Why in the holy hell am I not writing for this show? I have so many ideas!

Source It Up!

Meg Griffin All Grown Up

Mila Kunis, which is Russian for "My Kunis," got down to a bikini for In Style magazine and gave me reason #24,539 why I love Family Guy. You know how people who voice cartoons are really ugly, because if they were attractive they wouldn't need to be animated? Well, this is one of those cases that is the opposite of what I just said. It's opposites day at IBBB! Anyway, Mila Kunis is has been the voice of Meg Griffin from Family Guy for years now and can most recently be seen in Forgetting Sarah Marshall. She's also Russian and can speak Russian, which is really a double edged sword for me. If Mila was not an actress, but still looked like this I assume she would have been one of those mail-order-brides, which means I could have purchased her with about 150 UPC codes from that back of my Tropicana orange juice carton. What a deal! Mila would be very happy with me as I'm sure she, along with the rest of the population, really wants to date a blogger. Bloggers are really the new white meat. I don't know what that means. That'll be all. Good day.


If Brandon Walsh Looks This Old, Jim and Cindy Must Be Dead By Now

Da da da, da da da da holy hell! Brandon Walsh (I refuse to call him by his real name) was recently in NYC for the release of Mario Kart wii at the Nintendo World and was looking sorta old, which kinda hurts me because technically that means that I'm getting old too and that's just depressing. Brandon signed some autographs and even a Brandon Walsh doll according to Buzzfoto.com. That's nice. Know what's nicer? What's nicer is that ever since the buzz around the 90210 spinoff you get to see more and more of the old 90210 cast. However, you never really see Jim or Cindy Walsh, so I'll just assume that they're both dead and since I turn my assumptions into facts let's just start saying that Jim and Cindy are dead. They're dead. Both. Dead. Pass that on.


Monday, April 28, 2008

...In Other News...

From sea to shining sea....gull....from Heidi's video on the beach. In other news...

~ Heather Locklear Picks Up Where Jennifer Love Left Off ~ AgentBedHead
~ Pam Anderson Loves Dead Bunnies ~ PopBytes
~ The View + Miley = World Implosion ~ CS
~ Celebrities With Extra Dressage ~ Ayyyy
~ Phoebe Price Bikini....Yelp! ~ DSF
~ Roger Clemens the Pedophile? ~ FatBack
~ Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer? ~ Yeeeah
~ News News and More News ~ WeSmirch
~ Latest Celebrity Going Green? ~ CityRag

Who Won Big Brother 9?


Ah another season of Big Brother has come and gone and if you're one of the other 17 people like me who actually watches this show you were probably not completely shocked that Adam won the $500,000 prize and captured almost all the votes. That's nice. You may remember Adam being captured on camera multiple times making fun of children with autism all while he actually works with children with autism, so it's great and well deserved that he won the money. Karma was apparently missing last night. Although, Adam did claim that he would donate $100,000 to children with autism. Someone stay on top of that and see if it actually happens. I'm wondering if he'll change his tune after they take taxes out of the $500,000 and he's basically left with like $275,000. Time will tell.

Next up, the viewers then voted for the house guest they felt deserved to win a $25,000 prize and America voted that James should win the $25,000. That's nice. You may remember that James has a sorted gay-porn past, so that's nice that America felt he needed the money because at the end of the day, porn stars, are the most deserving of all.

Anyway, next comes the fun part when the house guests are immersed back into society and they get to see all the horrible things they've said about each other, racial remarks, etc. James will learn that America knows about his porn past and Natalie will discover just how crazy she is. All of this will be followed by, of course, the rest of the house guests eventually selling their crap on eBay because there are some equally crazy Big Brother fans that would actually want to buy it. Long live the American Dream!

Can Halle Berry Just Stay Like This?


So, uh, can Halle Berry please stay like this? Thanks for your assistance. Halle may have only given birth 6-weeks ago, but she is back and better than ever thanks to her ginormous rack-attack. Now those could either be her boobs or she could have smuggled her baby, Nahla, with her to the Silver Rose Gala and Auction in Beverly Hills last night. Halle is insanely hot and I don't even mind that she has permanent chlorine stains on her left leg. I've truly grown so much as a person.

In other Halle Berry, less boob related news, Halle will be heading back to work to star in and produce the psychological drama "Frankie and Alice." Berry will play a woman with multiple personality disorder. Awesome! I hope one of those personalities has huge boobs as Halle has above. And, I hope that the "Alice" in Frankie and Alice is actually the Alice from The Brady Bunch. I always thought that chick was nuts. I'll keep my fingers crossed.

Hey There Lindsay 2.0

As predicted Miley Cyrus is scheduled to be the next Lindsay Lohan, the better Lohan if you will. No need to pay any attention to what Ali Lohan will do because I have a feeling that Miley will crash harder. Miley Cryus is all apologies for her recent internet photos that have surfaced and for her upcoming Vanity Fair photos. Personally, I don't think it's so scandalous that Miley appears to be topless. I find it more scandalous that Miley looks like she should be one of the Culkin brothers.

As far as her apology goes Miley has said, "My goal in my music and my acting is always to make people happy. For Vanity Fair, I was so honored and thrilled to work with Annie [Leibovitz]. I took part in a photo shoot that was supposed to be 'artistic' and now, seeing the photographs and reading the story, I feel so embarrassed."

Boring. Then The Disney Channel issued a far more interesting statement: "Unfortunately, as the article suggests, a situation was created to deliberately manipulate a 15-year-old in order to sell magazines." Really? Now was that technically more deliberate then when the Disney Channel creates a situation to deliberately manipulate a 15-year-old in order to cell CDs and get better ratings for their TV show? Just checking.

Who Said That!?

Jennifer Love Shows Who's the Boss

Jennifer Love Hewitt finds new and innovative ways to remind her fiance, Ross McCall, just who makes the money and who's in control in their relationship. Not only does she force him to walk the dog and clean up the dog shit, but as he does it she "gets him" from behind. Regardless, this dude is set for life assuming J Love makes more than minimum wage working on The Ghost Whisperer. I'd be Jennifer Love Hewitt's bitch for the money. Hell, I'd be Rumor Willis' bitch. Hmmm, maybe that's a new goal I should have. I may work on that.

Spencer's Busy, Let IBBB Take a Message: 7

Back by popular demand is my own advice column: "Spencer's Busy, Let IBBB Take a Message" In case you need to be caught up on what this is click here to read last weeks. Anyway, thank to all of you sick bastards who wrote in a question and sorry to those of you who I didn't choose. Keep sending them and I'll keep printing them out and shredding them! Here we go....


Dear IBBB,
I'm dying to know, what's your take on Kathy Lee Gifford on The Today Show??
Luv,
Anonymous


Dear LISA,
You may have signed your email "anonymous" but you emailed me...therefore I know your name. Nice try, sneaky. You know, this gets me pretty upset. Why would anyone care what my take is on Kathy Lee Gifford? There is a war that's still going on and we, as a universe, are facing day in and day out major issues with global warming, etc. Why not get your priorities in order!? PSYCH! Just playing. I could care less about global warming or the war. I am, however, passionate about all things Kathy Lee Gifford, or Snatchy Leak Gifford as I like to call her. Personally, I've only seen her once on The Today Show, but feel I can place 100% judgement on her based on the 25 minutes that I watched. Bottom line, she's still doing that weird winking thing with her left eye. And I'm still confused by the relationship with her husband. Plus, Cody and Cassidy are complete douche bags. Therefore, I give Snatchy Leak Gifford 2 middle fingers up! Keep up the good work, Snatchy.
Stay Strong,
IBBB


Hey ImBringingBloggingBack,
I don't mean to be mean, but you've been saying your goal is to host The Soup for 2 years now. No offense, but I don't think The Soup has ever had a guest host. Sorry to burst your bubble.

Signed,
Breanna


Hey Breanna,
First off, thanks for addressing me by my full name. Second, thanks for crushing my dream. But, please don't stop here. I'm sure there's an orphanage that you want to swing by and fill the little kiddies in on that whole Santa thing. After that please get your passport ready because you have to catch your flight to give inspirational speeches to the summer Olympians. Be sure to let them know that most of them won't win. They like that. Finally, swing on by a Jenny Craig meeting and just yell into the room "pointless." They'll all be squealing with delight. Anyway, thanks for the email.
You Suck,
IBBB

***Need advice from IBBB? Email me: ImBringingBloggingBack at Yahoo.com. Maybe I'll add your question to this site. Maybe I won't. At the end of the day, who really cares.***

Friday, April 25, 2008

Mariah F's Up on Good Morning America


Ba da ba ba ba I'm lovin' it! Anyone catch Mariah on Good Morning America this morning? I typically like to start my day by checking out an almost middle-aged woman with her boobs popping out of her tight hot pink dress so I, of course, snapped on GMA to see Mariah "perform" a tune or two. Sure that sounds kinda boring, but wanna know what spices that up? How 'bout Mariah f'ing up in the first 4 seconds of her song? Ruh-ro Rorge! Now I'm not sure if her back-up track pulled an Ashlee Simpson, but I'm pretty sure that I hear Mariah's voice but never saw her lips moving (or her mouth...oh!)
Mariah tried to solve this problem by looking around and singing something, but I assumed she was reading the Chinese Menu on the billboard just up the street from where she was performing. Moments later Mariah "Sing Fights" with her backup singers by inserting the lyrics "stop singing my part now baby" as she looked at them and 'sassily' pointed. Yay! Train wreck! Mariah's about 2 lip-syncing mishaps away from giving out popsicles in her underwear at TRL. I can't wait!
Catch the train wreck moments at the 50 second mark and at the 3-minute mark.

Attica! Attica! Attica!


Wesley Snipes is about to pull an accelerated Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton prison sentence, it's been announced. Snipes was found guilty of doing "tax tricks" with the US government and was therefore sentenced to 3-years in the clank. Yowza! Who knew filing your taxes was a requirement. I better get on that STAT.

Snipes addressed the court and stated, "I'm very sorry for my mistakes and errors. I apologize to my family, the court and the community. I've asked the court to show me mercy and the opportunity to make things right."

Yeah, well the court didn't show too much mercy. Looks like Wesley is going to be slow dancing with a couple of inmates shortly. He didn't, however, have to report directly to jail, but will be allowed to do so at a later date. How 'bout 2095?

I'll never understand why celebrities do this risky crap? You are rich, very rich. I would never break any law and risk ever not being able to spend my millions.

Source It Up!

Get Your Ass Back to Work Nicole Richie

You best get your lazy ass back to work, Nicole Richie, because the fine readers of Us Weekly have just voted you as the next new mom to get your own reality show. Quite the honor. The people of Us Weekly are selfless and help celebrities make important life decisions day in and day out. Why, just the other day the readers voted that it was not ok to break up with someone via text message. First text message insights and then directly on to world peace!

So, stop being so lazy and hung up on being a mom behind closed doors and allow the cameras into your life 24/7 so we can see you juggling being a mom and a reality television star. How would one do that? Anyway, carry on Christina Aguilera and Halle Berry because people do not want to see you being a mom. Great voting my good people, great voting!

This Time Last Year: Poshtoria Beckham

Happy Friday and welcome back to everyones favorite lazy segment called "This Time Last Year." This Time Last Year will take a brief look at what was going on in the celebrity world...this time last year (go figure). Oh, and also I'm lazy so this is pretty easy to do on a Friday. Here's what was going on with Poshtoria and her ghost boobs this time last year...

It's been a while that a celebrity has been attacked by ghost boobs, but it looks like Poshtoria is the latest victim. Poshtoria was just getting in to LA from London when the ghost boobs attacked her right in front of all the paparazzi. What are the odds of that happening? In even less interesting Poshtoria news, the Beckham's are reportedly suing a lookalike couple who got a sports car, jewelry, and a table at a top restaurant after posing as the Beckham's. I guess the real life Beckham's feel that their reputation is being damaged by the lookalikes. Uh, I think her reputation is being damaged by showing her boobs to the paparazzi. Actually scratch that (not literally). I think her reputation is improving by showing her boobs to the paparazzi. Check her out on Fox's new "When Ghost Boobs Attack!"

Thursday, April 24, 2008

...In Other News...

America's Next Top Model: When in Rome

Find out what happened on last nights crapisode of America's Next Top Model. The skanks are in Rome and you know what they say. When in Rome do as Tyra would do. ANTM recapper, Jenny, is back again to tell you what went down on ANTM. Enjoy!
  • Viva Italia! The girls are in Rome. I can't wait to hear Tyra's Italian accent...I know it's coming, you know it's coming....The girls take a tour of Rome...As Anya steps off the bus she takes a digger and chews rocks. If Tyra was there, she would have given Anya a lesson on how to walk it off and continue on. Make it look like she was dancing off the bus...while being fierce. "You see what I just did there?"
  • Tyra mail arrives for the girls and Tyra has turned her photo into the Mona Lisa. As she should. Actually, I'm surprised Tyra didn't go bigger. I thought we'd be see photos of Tyra all over the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. Perhaps video mail of Tyra saying mass at the Vatican?
  • The girls arrive on the plaza and there are Segways everywhere. This week's challenge must be to act as mall security. Oh wait it's a Segway tour through Rome in which the guide points out how well Italian women dress. Interesting. Except it's not.
  • They get to meet art director Attilio Vaccari. He explains the challenge to girls and I have no idea what he is talking about. Regardless, the girls dress up in clothes and walk. Anya wins and gets to sport a gown on the red carpet.
  • More Tyra mail...This one says Facile, Brezza, Bella. You guessed it Peanuts gang, that translates to Easy, Breezy, Beautiful. As Lauren says, and I quote "Crap Crap Crap Cover Girl." Now that's a slogan. If she was smart, she would copyright that before they steal it from her.
  • The models have to shoot a Cover Girl commercial while speaking Italian. It is God awful. All of it. All of them. It reminds of being in Spanish class with the poor kid who does terrible in the class, but the teacher refuses to speak English to him or call on someone else. So he sits there for 40 minutes trying to get through the 3 sentences he is supposed to real aloud. Wait, what am I talking about? Side note. How is Dominique still in this competition?
  • Tyra gives us a quick lesson on the history of Rome. But not before mentioning that the biggest fashion show in the industry takes place on the Spanish Steps and that SHE has been in that fashion show FOUR TIMES.
  • AND HERE IT IS....Tyra busts out the Italian accent. It is a Jamaican accent, no word of a lie. Jamaican. What is wrong with her? Every accent she imitates ends up being Jamaican. Does she think that the Jamaicans were the first settlers in every country in the world?
  • Lauren and her thumb are being sent back to America. Five girls remain MON!

Past ANTM Recaps

The Hills Riddle Time!


Good morning. Time for a "The Hills" Riddle.
Riddle: How do you know that Lauren Conrad is not filming a scene for The Hills?
Answer: Not everyone in the picture is white.
Oh snap! I even made myself laugh with that one. Anytrash, Lauren Conrad was at the "Redkens Real Control Cocktail Party" at Warren Tricomi in West Hollywood last night. She's pictured above with stylist Kaz Amor. Basically I don't know what 6 of those words I just typed meant. Regardless, it's nice seeing Lauren with people of other nationalities and cultural backgrounds. There are other colors in the crayon box, LC. Perhaps try "Burnt Sienna" or "Brick Red."

Alex Mccord Shows Her Gentlemen Greeter

Uh-oh someone better teach Francois how to say "Mommy, stick pins in my eyes" in French because The Real Housewives of New York City's Alex McCord is busy showing off her rack-attack and her gentlemen greeter whilst she holds onto the towel rack. Just a week or so ago, pictures were mysteriously released of Alex only show her robotic boosums, but now pictures have surfaced of Alex showing everybody exactly where she shot out her kids. Please note, she does not have a tattoo of the Statue of Liberty over her greeter, that's just my photoshopping skills. Oh, and there aren't taxi cabs riding over her rack either.

Now that we're all on the same page, I must admit she's kinda gross. Now don't get me wrong she looks great for having a couple of snot nosed kids with bad names, but have you ever wondered what your 8th grade nun looked like naked? Well if you've screamed at your computer, "Yes IBBB! I've always wondered what my 8th grade nun looked like naked" then this is pretty much it. For some of my other readers, if you've ever wondered what Skeletor looked like naked, here is your answer as well.

So did anyone watch the Real Housewives of NYC reunion show the other night? More Ramona, please! She definitely reminds me of Jerry from The Facts of Life more than ever now!

I Want My J Lo TV



Holy Bailamos J Lo! Saint Jennifer Lopez de las Bronx will be coming to a television set near you (hopefully in panoramic). Have you ever wondered what J Glow would do after she beautifully mastered the art of fine acting and mastered her singing career? Well wonder no longer because now you get to watch Saint Jennifer juggle all of her 25 mediocre careers and motherhood all at the same fly-girl time. This reality "docu-series" or "lopez-vision" as I'll be calling it will air on TLC, which apparently still exists.

J Lo will be co-executive producer, co-creator, and co-star of this "show." She'll also be the co-ruiner.

When reached for comment, Saint Jennifer Lopez de las Bronx said "I'm looking forward to sharing this exciting journey together." Oh yeah? I'm excited to hopefully listen to J Glow sing soft and out of tune lullabies to her twins. First a "docu-series" and then a whole channel dedicted to Saint Jennifer. Sky and ass is the limit!

Waiting for tonight....ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

I'm Coming For You, Jamie Lynn Sigler!


Wow, it's strange how much that title's meaning can change just by moving around the comma. Anyskank, good news for me and NYC because Jamie-Lynn Sigler is back on the trash-heap market! She allegedly broke up with her boyfriend Scott Sartiano and may be moving back to LA to focus on her acting career. I know what you're thinking. Why is that good for me if she's not going to be in NYC? Good question. First, none of your damn business. Second, she's going to focus on her acting in LA....which means she'll be back to NYC before you know it!

Hopefully when Jamie-Lynn heads out to LA she'll find someone to wax her arms, because that crap has to go. Hopefully she'll run into Alyssa Milano and get her arms waxed while she's at it too. Moving on. The drunken source who is claiming this break-up states, "It just couldn't work. It's what's best for them right now. They're both really sad. They were very in love." Yeah that is sad, although this same source could have been talking about Ross and Rachel. Either way, I have a chance. I'm sure Jamie-Lynn Sigler would definitely want to date a blogger who also is the spokesperson for a t-shirt business about how New Jersey sucks. Eh, if she's not into it I'll just wait it out for the other Jamie-Lynn....Spears. I hear that rat trap skank puts out! Oww owww!

Weeeeeeeeee! QVC!

Ba da ba ba ba I'm lovin' it! What's black and white and red all over? A Clay Aiken hugging a Tyra Banks, but of course! As a sidenote, the answer to that joke could also be "A freckled Lindsay Lohan dry-humping a skunk." Just in case you were wondering. Anyway, Clay Aiken and Tyra Banks were embracing each other for a impromptu photoshoot. Clearly, Clay has found his lobster. Clay Aiken is going to be pushing the crap out of his new CD on QVC this coming Monday. What a treat. His CD is titled, "On My Way Here," but he might as well just title his CD with what he's really going after, "I'm Selling Directly to My Middle America White Trash Trailer Park Fans By Going on QVC Where They Can Also Purchase Rain Coats for Their Cats." Sure it's a little long, but I'm sure they can wrap that title around the front and back of the CD.

Clay has said, "Starting my career on national, live television, it seems fitting to be unveiling my new album live on QVC." Hopefully when he gets there they can perm his hair or something. I want him looking like Little Orphan Annie while he's selling.

No joke when I first saw this picture I was thinking, "I didn't know that Tyra Banks was that close of friends with that red headed chick from Sex and the City." Then I took a closer look. Then I poured bleach in my eyes.

Thanks, Kasey, for the heads up.

Source It Up!

2 Minute Recaps: Pork You!


Back by popular demand is "2 Minute Recaps." A spinoff of "Harriet Carter Wednesday," watch my favorite Harriet Carter model, Rachel Platt, host this online cooking show like a champ. If you're new to this, check out the explainer by clicking here. Now that we're all settled, here's my craptastic recap of this weeks episode of Rachel and Will making "Pork Loin."
  • Rachel is really excited to be cooking something new since all she seems to eat is "chicken flavored chicken with a side of chicken!" I know how she feels, although I typically eat turkey flavored chicken with a side of shut the F up.
  • This time the pork is going to be Asian flavored and something tells me that Rach isn't going to be so great with Asian anything. Oh, there we go. Yes, Rachel is visibly relieved that she doesn't have to go to Chinatown to pick up the ingredients. I'm sure she's relieved only because when she is in Chinatown she typically has to do the $2 dollar sucky sucky. For $5 dollars she does everything. Oh, and I'm pretty sure that Chef Will just made a crack about saving a couple of dogs. Uh yeah, like Asian people eat dogs. Real nice Will.
  • What the hell is "Chef Will" talking about? Why would you marinate your pork loin in the sink or dishwasher? Do people do that? Really? I usually marinate my pork loin down my pants. That's normal right? I make sure its in the front of my pants because there's too much skid mark build up in the back of my pants. I'm disgusting.
  • Oh Christ! Rachel almost suffers from a stroke when Will talks about cooking couscous. Oh snap Will even insults Rachey Poo and everything. They're a sweet couple. They'll have brilliant children.
  • Gross. That pork looks like pigeon popsicles. No thanks.
  • Insert Sexual Innuendo Here: We all have our first times. Oh Will. I bet you want to pork more than just your main course.
  • Rachel legit only eats the couscous.....because that makes sense....because that takes 2 seconds to cook. Finally, Rachel is so impressed with herself that she made pork. Yeah, you didn't make a thing. You used Will for his cooking expertise and for his pork loin...and his meat. Pig!

Well kids, this is the one of the last 2 Minute Recaps as Chef Will and Rachey haven't cooked anything new in weeks. Let's hope they didn't get canceled!?

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

...In Other News...

Lauren Conrad heads out for a scripted night on the scripted town with a scripted mystery man when scripted photographers sriptedly snapped scripted photos of her while she showed her scripted reaction which made the script and onto Us Weekly. Script.

~ Britney Not So Crazy Anymore ~ PopBytes
~ Danica Patrick Bikini Palooza ~ FatBack
~ Angie Harmon Shows a Little ~ POTP
~ OJ and Trump Sitting in a Tree ~ AgentBedHead
~ Megan Fox Hugs a Pig ~ NinjaDude
~ Russia Bans Paris? ~ Yeeeah
~ Nicole Kidman Baby Bump Quiz ~ Ayyyy
~ More Celeb News ~ WeSmirch
~ Gisele Sideboob! ~ DSF
~ Jodie Marsh Busts Out ~ CS

Harriet Carter and the Penis Leaker. Huh?



Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday mo-fo's. Just the other week I complained that Harriet needed to update her crapalog and then this week...BAM...new products! By now, you know my life goal of making it into the Harriet Carter catalog. Well, I may not have made it yet, but as you can see from the sponsorship above, I am the new spokesperson for www.JerseySucks.net, a website which discusses the suckiness of New Jersey and also sells some hilarious t-shirts. Be sure to go visit them and buy a t-shirt because part of the proceeds go to charity and by charity I mean me. No joke, I get a percentage. I am technically Failure Model Dude. Operation sell out rules! ANYWAY, this week Harriet brings back Failure Model Chick, helps with your pissing problem, kills television, and protects your $15.00 all at the same time. She is a treat with whorelike qualities and that's what I like about the beast. Let's go!

Product # 1 - Oh no you didn't. Oh no you just did not! You did NOT just bring Failure Model Chick back into the Harriet Carter catalog and make her model old man eye glasses!? This, perhaps, is the best day of my life. Where to begin? Well, first and foremost she is absolutely doing her best "Don Knotts from The Incredible Mr Limpet" impersonation and she has it down to a science. As a sidenote, looking at Failure Model Chick in these molester prisoner eyeglasses makes me Mr. Limpet if you know what I mean...and I think ya do....because I'm 12...and a pervert. No joke, I think her lips are photoshopped in and I'm pretty certain that half of her has been animated. Don't get me wrong I'd love to watch a full feature Failure Model Chick cartoon, but this is a little too much. And why the hell isn't she looking through the eye glasses. They're not bifocals, right? Seriously she looks like an 85 yr old man who's going thin on top. That's a pretty sweater too. Very youthful. What could she be thinking when they're shooting her? I assume she's praying that bullets come flying out of the camera instead of flashes. As a sidenote, 2 Minute Chef hasn't had any new crapisodes in a while. I hope she's not out of work. Eh, maybe she'll turn to porn. Thanks Harriet for making this Wednesday a little extra special for me!

Product # 2 - Do you have some fake pearls, a cartoon gold watch, and about $15.00 in cash to hide and protect? Well take all that stuff out of the waffle box in your freezer because the burglars are getting smarter and know to look there. Wanna know where they don't look? Well behind electrical outlets of course! Duh! Now make sure you're placing all your "valuables" into the electrical socket when your young and impressionable kids are watching because they need to learn the lesson that sticking their snotty little fingers into electrical sockets really is a game and is fun too! You never know when there's secret treasure hidden behind there! You know what helps you find the treasure faster kids? Use a fork or a knife and stick it right in the socket. If you don't get electrocuted and die, YOU WIN! Oh and what a prize it will be. I mean $15.00 and a cartoon gold watch. You couldn't dream of much more than that. Hopefully your cartoon burglars aren't also electricians or you may have a BIG problem on your hands and you'll be out the $15.00. I know, tough break, but it's the chance you have to take for security and peace of mind.



Product # 3 - You know what there aren't enough of out there? Guns. Good old fashion revolvers. Remember, guns are fun and are toys and you should be pointing them at things like televisions in order to change the channel because, well, it just makes sense. Harriet's house must be like the shootem' up corral! Put on NBC, BANG! Put on MTV, BANG! Go get me my dinner, bitch...BANG! Oh, and I'm not 100% positive, but I'm going to assume that any form of a remote control isn't going to change that 1962 black and white television. If you're purchasing this product, at this point just turn the gun on yourself. No really, it's ok. You've lived a decent life. Sure you throw your money away on pointless items like Gun Remote Controls while there are poor and starving children in this world, but it's still money well spent. Now use the gun and say hello to my Jesus when you get up there. Anyway, at the very least this remote control gun is a great way to teach the kids that when they don't like something they see they can simply use a gun to change it and see something else. At the end of the day, just blame Marilyn Manson. I'm sure he's still relevant, right? Thanks, Harriet, for the bang...and the gun.




Product # 4 - Are you constantly up all night making frequent trips to the bathroom, gentlemen? Do you have a "going problem" like those commercials claim? Well you may not have a going problem, you may have a "growing problem"...meaning your prostate may be growing and forcing you to make multiple bathroom trips per night. Sure there's medication you can take for this, but you're white trash and spent all your social security money on a fake electrical outlet safe and remote control gun. All you have left to help you stop taking so many leaks is this handy-dandy "Leak Ender" from Harriet Carter. If it's good enough for your outdoor hose, it's good enough for your indoor hose. I mean your penis when I say "indoor hose." That was clear, right? Anyway, stop the frequent leaks immediately by simply placing your horrific old man penis into this Leak Ender and spin the Leak Ender around and around as if you're winding a clock. It's basically the same motion, except this time you're winding your cock. Circle of life, my friends, circle of life. Once your circulation has been cut off and you're screaming for Hosanna in the Highest to remove your from this earth you know the Leak Ender is working! Sure you've gone blind, have been spitting up blood for 45 minutes, and have been in the fetal position since Sunday, but you're not peeing are you? Presto! Problem solved and you don't have the same side effects as those creepy medications. You...are....welcome! Thanks Harriet for curing diseases and keeping my lawn looking green season after season!

Kim Kardashian Cameltoe Palooza!

Good morning boys, girls, and skanks! What a treat I have for you all today. Now pull up your nap mats and take a look at some fresh Kim Kardashian cameltoe while you eat your Cheerios! Where does one even being with this photo? Well, first Kim is walking around cloudy LA without any makeup on. She should never do this as she is rich and should always look like she's ready to go to the prom. It's like Kim leaving the house without any money. It wouldn't happen. It shouldn't happen. Next up, check out the dude on the left that's clearly checking out the famous "Kardashian assian." Brilliant. Finally, we take a quick look south of the Kardashian border (and just to the left of her Churros y Chocolate station) and we notice that she's sporting some reality cameltoe. Good for her. Therefore it's time to play everyones favorite game, "The ImBringingBloggingBack Cameltoe Rating System....to the Stars!" This is when IBBB rates the celebrity cameltoe and awards the celebrity with a certain number of camels out of a possible 5 camel rating. This time around Kim has been awarded 4 out of 5 camels! What an honor. I would have given her the 5th camel if there was a second picture of Kim picking out her cameltoe. Oh well, 4 camels is still a major accomplishment in the life of Kim Kardashian and probably the best, and only, award she's received to date. Congratulations Kim! Carry on.
Check out other famed celebrity camel toe at the new IBBB and some good old fashion ghost boobs whilst you're at it!

Mariah Celebrates #1 By Dressing 16

Mariah left her NYC apartment the other day dressed like a futuristic farmer in heat (no clue). At what age do you stop dressing like this? I assumed 17, but I could be wrong. Anyway, Mariah has achieved first week sales of 475K, which is an all time high record for Mariah in her first week. Leona Lewis came in a close second with 90K. Ohhh so close. I could have sold more than that. In fact I'm going to start myself up an one of those albums and see how it does. I'll sing into my tape recorder and ask The Hills to play the song and then I'll put it on iTunes. Yeah, that's what I'll do. I'll show you Leona. I'll show you Mariah. I'll show all of you!

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

...In Other News...

~ Tony Danza: Not Dead Yet! ~ AgentBedHead
~ Fergie Back in a Bikini ~ DSF
~ Celebrity Then and Now ~ Ayyyy
~ Get Your Beckham Waxed ~ PopBytes
~ Miranda Kerr in her 80's Bikini ~ NinjaDude
~ Jessica Simpson and More Dirty ~ FatBack
~ Danica Patrick Does Stuff ~ Yeeeah
~ A Lohan/Olsen Scuffle ~ POTP
~ More News For Y'all! ~ WeSmirch
~ Pete Wentz Forgot His Underpants ~ CityRag
~ Ashlee Simpson "Singing" ~ CS

The Hills: Welcome Back Justin Bobby!

Click Here for Past Hills Recaps
Click Here To Become MYSPACE Friends With IBBB!

To Justin Bobby: Thanks For Everything, ImBringingBloggingBack. Justin Bobby is back en la casa and The Hills just got interesting again. My only question is that once Justin Bobby and Audrina start hanging out again will Lauren hit Audrina with a closed fist or an open fist? Let's see just exactly what went down on this latest episode, A New Roommate, of The Hills:
  • How come Lauren can't follow simple directions? Weren't they told they whilst working at Pubic Revolution they needed to wear black at all times and not show their "bobbies?" Well Lauren is in all white, like the angel she is, and I'm seeing a little cleavage right off the rack.
  • Audrina's like Pigpen from Charlie Brown. Her closet is a shittin' mess, like her life, with clothes jammed in all over the place and falling off the hangers. When she throws one of her outfits at token friend, Lo, Lo replies "is it c-o-t-t-o-n" making sure to pronounce all the t's in "cotton." I'll give Lo a break since she is still a little new to the script and is still trying to work with her new nose and all.
  • Lauren apparently goes to Clown University because she got an A+ on her computer assignment. Do they grade things "A+" while you're in college? And I love how she keeps calling it her "computer class." What's the class, really? I bet she's just playing Oregon Trail on that computer anyway. Hopefully she's the banker from Boston and doesn't die of diphtheria or lose any of her oxen.
  • Heidi is back on her victory tour of "A Girls Night Out." I can't take it anymore. We get it. You're fake single and want to play up your fake singleness by going out for a fake girls night out on your fake reality show. Why Sandy Sanders tells Heidi she looks the best on Thursday nights and that "everyone" goes to this one club in LA (when there are 1 million clubs to choose from) is beyond me.
  • SCRIPT EDIT: Heidi reads off "It's old water under the bridge." Really, Heidi? Really? Old water huh? Under what bridge, baby? And how old is that water? Now stop, take a breath and rethink that saying that you just said because it's incorrect...that's why you laughed after you said it because you know you are about 2 more incorrect sayings away from being forced by a team of medical professionals to wear Audrina's helmet.
  • There's so much to discuss about the "girls night out" at Goa. First off, Heidi actually tells Audrina that Justin Bobby is at the club and she calls him Justin Bobby....like she knows him, which she doesn't. I mean, I'm sure they got to know each other at the weekly table read for The Hills, but she doesn't know him know him. Then Heidi wants to play "bouncer" and make sure that Justin Bobby doesn't come near Audrina...because that's cool. Then Justin Bobby shows up and Heidi and him greet each other. Do they know each other really? I mean I'm sure they know each other from the covers of Us Weekly, but did they ever meet on the show? I'm confused.
  • Well it's finally here. The Apocalypse. Stephanie Pratt (Sandy Sanders), Lo, Lauren, Audrina, Heidi, and Justin Bobby all sitting at the same table together. I'm pretty sure this is a sign that the end of the world is upon us. If only Cami from Laguna Beach was there as well I would head into my underground bunker.
  • Lauren decides to go home because there are too many people at her table that she can't control.
  • So, um, when is Heidi going to correctly pronounce Audrina's name. She keeps calling her "Uh-dreena" all in one breath. Isn't it pronounced more like "Aww-dree-na?"
  • Holy Script Batman, Moment: We get it, Lauren, you guys are going to buy a house together. We don't need you and Lo telling the cameras how often Lo stays over and how much more convenient it would be if you all lived together a house. We know you already bought the house. We saw the 15 page spread in Us Weekly 2 months ago. I do find it comical though that you think it's a good idea to move so that you can go through all of your stuff and clean. Oh, I have an idea....maybe just clean your apartment and save yourself, oh I don't know, $2.5 million because....um....that's what you spent on your new house. That's kinda a lot to spend when you're just an intern, Audrina is basically a receptionist, and Lo does nothing. Just sayin.
  • Justin Bobby is back baby! And, it's date night for him and Audrina....just like old times, but this time he doesn't seem drugged out....and his teeth are as blindingly white as Audrina's. It's like he's having a teeth-off dance-off with her. And the horrible "Hills" lighting makes him look 42.
  • Why does Justin Bobby keep bugging out his eyes after every sentence? Ok can we just say what neither of them will actually come out and say? Justin Bobby is off drugs, right? He went to rehab, right? And now he cleaned up his life, right? Sure the bugged out eyes lead me to believe all this, but I just want them to say it. Say "drug rehab" Justin Bobby Say it, damn it!
  • As a sidenote, I'm pretty sure Justin Bobby is wearing Lo's "Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego" hat from last season. It's nice to share whilst on the set of The Hills.
  • When J Bob asks Audrina what she's doing later in the night and Audrina says, "I don't know," Justin Bobby says "uh-oh." Kids under 18, this basically means your favorite Hills character, Audrina, is going to get plowed like she's never been plowed before by dear old Justin Bobby. Presumably there will be a lot of leather involved, perhaps some helmets (for protection) and possible a teeth whitening kit. Basically, Audrina is going to become a woman (again) tonight. Bom chica bom bom.
  • The morning after Audrina and LC are discussing Justin Bobby and Lauren has a knife so I'm pretty sure she's going to use it on Audrina. Actually, I'm missing the majority of their conversation because I am sitting here in shock and grossed out watching that nasty cat sitting on the counter exactly where Audrina is making her breakfast. Seriously, that's gross. I'll have my grapefruit without cat hair please, thanks! Oh, and hold the cat saliva. Thanks.
  • Boring. Heidi and Steve Sanders have another scripted fight. Yeah, we see you guys all over the place so we know you're still together. How about between seasons you all go into hiding and stop whoring yourselves out so that we can find The Hills a little more believable.
  • In conclusion, Lauren and Lo together are even douchier then one could imagine. I actually feel bad for Audrina as they basically tell her that they've been house hunting together and they ask her what she plans on doing. Such douche-bags. It's like they're those high-school bitches that just stay high-school bitches even 10 years after they've left high-school. I say Audrina moves in with Heidi. Doh! I just fell for the trap.

Next week on The Hills, Stephen is back to visit LC and it's like Laguna Beach all over again! Oh, and apparently LC bought her house in 2 days and is all ready to have a house-warming party. It must be fun to live in the world of make believe.

Click Here for Past Hills Recaps
Click Here To Become MYSPACE Friends With IBBB!

When Jennifer Aniston's In a Bikini, People Touch Themselves


Finally scientific proof that when Jennifer Aniston is in a bikini people just spontaneously start touching themselves (see above photo with pervy perverson). Jennifer Aniston was at a Miami hotel getting some sun and obviously she doesn't mind mixing in with the common folk. Now that I know this I will certainly up my stalking of Jennifer Aniston. I just assumed she would be placed in a locked cage while on vacation so that people couldn't just attack her. Note to self. Anyway, I don't even know what I would do if I saw Jennifer Aniston at the same hotel as me in a bikini. Actually, I know exactly what I would do. I'd scream like 14 year old school girl from one lounge chair over from her and I would, of course, yell over "Are the Friends really friends" whilst touching myself. I am a gentleman after all, I would of course show interest in her while going to town on my sex stick. Seriously what? I just crossed my own line. I feel abused.

Moving on, Jennifer is currently filming her latest movie with Owen Wilson and was just on the season finale of "Oprah's Big Rack" on Sunday night. While on the finale, Jennifer Aniston gave $30,000 of her own money to the contestants who didn't win. Wow! That's like $210,000! Wait, didn't she get $1.5 million per episode of 'Friends?' Cheapo. And before you start yelling at me for "what did I give to charity" I actually have donated. I gave $5.25 to a homeless guy just over the weekend. Well....it wasn't so much a homeless guy as it was a lady....and she worked at Dunkin Donuts....and she gave me an iced coffee and bagel in exchange for the $5.25. But same thing, regardless.