...In Other News...

~ Frank Miller is an Overachiever and Must be Stopped ~ AgentBedHead
~ Amy Smart Wears X's ~ DSF
~ Liv Tyler Has Given Up ~ Ayyyy
~ A Paris Hilton Love Song ~ CS
~ Katie Holmes in Scientology Boot Camp ~ PopBytes
~ Ashlee Back to Reality TV? ~ POTP
~ Mariah Off the Market? ~ Yeeeah
~ More Entertainment Stories ~ WeSmirch
~ Yay! Celebrity Cameltoe! ~ CityRag
~ Is There an Lauren Conrad Sex Tape? ~ ImNotObsessed
~ When Did Hilary Duff Get Hot? ~ NinjaDude
~ Rumor Makes a Top 100 List...For Real ~ Webster

Harriet Carter: Get Pretty and Stuff

I've always said that Harriet Carter was easy, breezy, and beautiful so it's about time to see how Harriet gets herself looking purdy each and every day. I've also said Harriet is a white-trash honky so I've tossed in one of those products too. Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday girls, boys, and skanks! Let's go!Product # 1 - Hey there Rach! Fancy seeing you here 2 weeks in a row. I've always wondered how you've stayed so youthful and now I know the answer. You wear Frownies! Frownies I say? Yes, Frownies I say. Looks like the Hollywood secret to beauty is out of the bag with this one. All you need to do is simply place the individual Frownies on your face, stand, remove, and PRESTO! You'll be as tight as nun. Wait what? Anyway, Failure Model Chick has been humiliated once again because this time Harriet is letting her know where all of her "problem areas" are. This will include in between her eyes, right next to her eyes, and on both sides of her mouth. Basically, she should be covering her entire face with these Frownie stickers. What you don't know is that good old FMC also has two of these placed on each one of her rack-attacks. It keeps them firm when you can't quite afford the surgical procedure. The good news is that FMC looks super psyched to be modeling these stickers and doesn't look like she regrets dropping out of High School in the least. Looks like not studying for midterms really was worth it, huh Rach? Thanks, Harriet, for making us easy.
Product # 2 - Please. Trained professionals, trained schmofessionals! Who needs a certified doctor to give you a microdermabrasion when you can clearly do this on your own. All you need is your cream and what I can only assume is a sander that doubles as a "gentlemen greeter wand." This lady looks like she's having the time of her life while sanding years off her face. It doesn't look like it hurts at all. Her face is saying, "Hehehe this tickles...and by 'tickles' I really mean burns. Someone, please call the burn center immediately." I wouldn't spring for this product if you're low on cash though. You probably have these tools lying around your house and you don't even know it. Go down to your basement and pull out your husbands floor sander and then head back upstairs and take the mayonnaise out of the refrigerator. Now, if you want "real professional" looking results here's a helpful tip ladies. Simply fill up your bathtub with luke-warm water, get in, and then plug in the sander. You will take years off your face in seconds and you're going to look hot when you meet Jesus in the next few minutes. Thanks, Harriet, for making us breezy.
Product # 3 - Sing along if you know the words. Here comes the bride...all dressed in cheap shit. Here comes the bride....and six more weeks of winter? I have no idea how the song goes. Have any friends in 2008 that are getting married? Are you looking for a classy way to show them how much you care? Well you're in luck because now you can buy this elegant "Husband and Wife" tree ornament that I'm pretty sure was made by blind kids without fingers who are chained to their desks in Tajikistan. Look at all that fine detail! I'm certain that the bride was modeled after our very own Paris Hilton. The way that have both eyes cocked is pure magic. And speaking of cock, looks like the groom is ready for the honeymoon already. Hopefully it won't take him too long to rip through that high-fashion gown. Sure that lace will take a few minutes to get through, but once you do you only have 6 more layers to rip off until you get to that prize that you are now calling your wife. These 2 look so happy together. Actually, they look like they got married at a funeral. They look miserable. They need Frownies. Would it have been that difficult to draw on some smiles? Geesh! I tell ya, child slaves in Tajikistan just don't put the same effort into mass production like they used to. Times really are changing. Anyway, best luck to the 2 of you. By the looks of this whole ornament, they'll be setting the entire tree on fire with their flammable attire. It's a wedding to remember.

Product # 4 - That's right you tell 'em! And when you do tell 'em make sure you're still smiling. Now, thanks to the magic of pumps, tubes, and a rubber hand you can let everyone in your life know just what you think of them. Simply place the ridiculous hat on your ridiculous head and place the ridiculous pump in your ridiculous hand and ridiculously squeeze. Through this patent-pending technology you will be giving everyone the middle finger! That's sweet. Now for those of you out there that can't really tell what this hat is trying to do because of the big "censored" sign that they've placed over it... that would be the middle finger, which is an American tradition and symbol that basically says, "Hi neighbor! Would you like to come over for lunch?" You should try it out. Kids, wear it to school on "dress down day" and give a big salute to your douche-bag teacher! Now let me ask. What do you do with the pump when the finger is not in use? Does it just dangle off the side whilst your walk around? And how long is that tube because it's nowhere near the hat. I mean, regardless of those two questions this is, most certainly, a very practical hat and well worth the money. Do me a favor, though, once you purchase it. Put it on, stand in front of the mirror, and squeeze the pump. Invite yourself over for lunch!

Previous Harriet Carter Product Reviews!

Click Here to Become MYSPACE Friends With IBBB and Harriet Carter(ish)!

I Smell Olsen Sauce

Mary-Michelle-Ashley-Kate-Gibbler-Tanner-Olsen may be trying to blend into the night in her Olsen Camouflage, but I can smell Olsen sauce from a mile away and it smells like day old buffalo wings. Mmmm buffalo wings. Anyway, the Olsen in question (doesn't matter which one) was attending the "Chanel Tribeca Film Festival Dinner" in NYC just the other night. It's important to note that while this particular Olsen Slut is not showing any of her big-girl teeth she is smiling with both her lips and her eyes. Yes, that is a pleased Olsen ready to tackle the world! Technically, that's the best kind of Olsen for all of you who are keeping track at home.

This Olsen is also displaying her hand in a friendly sort of gesture that says to the public "Good evening. I am approachable" while her other hand is placed firmly over her stomach, which says, "A baby would live in here, but the space is currently being occupied by diet pills and undigested Splenda packets." This Olsen better watch her back because that shadow has been behind her in every single picture. I wonder who it is? Oh wait.

Source It Up!

Oh Paula, No No Paula, No No

I was moments away from slipping into a coma watching the American Idol kids sing Neil Diamond songs when all of a sudden Paula came to life like Vicki the robot from Small Wonder. In case you missed it, each contestant would sing their one song without any critique from the "judges." After each sang their first song, and only their first song, all the crackheads came back onto the stage so the judges could give quick feedback. Ok, so that's the first red flag. There's no way that in a time constraint pressure situation Paula would be on her game. And she wasn't. Paula gave feedback for both of Jason's songs. Oh and the only thing was that he only sang one song. Randy jumped in like child embarrassed of his aging parent and tells Paula that Jason only sang one song and Paula says, "You didn't sing 2 songs?" Oh Paula, no no. No no Paula. I'm pretty sure Paula smelled burnt toast and was in process of having a massive stroke. At one point I'm almost positive I saw smoke coming out of Paula's ears. Poor Vicki the Robot was about to combust!

Why Paula's reality show didn't do better is amazing to me. I would like to just follow Paula around for 48 hrs and see what it was like.

Sidenote, my favorite of the night was Syesha Mercado. There I said it. You know if Kristy Lee Cook was still in it she would have been singing "America" dressed in army fatigues and healing lepers right on the stage. Too bad for her.

Updated With Clip Below:

The Hills Does Rolling Stone

When all else fails, just toss the skanks from The Hills onto your cover and you've got yourself a winning idea! Lauren, Heidi, Audrina, and Whitney all posed together for the cover of Rolling Stone recently and here is the magic in a bottle. When I first saw it I thought it was f'ing dumb, but then as I looked at it a little longer and I realized just how immaculately brilliant it really was! Rolling Stone has captured the personality of each of the cast members perfectly.

First off you have Heidi who is, of course, sticking out her ass. This symbolizes Heidi always ready to take it up the pooper for her chance at fame and opportunity. She's also partially looking over her shoulder because she's never quite sure just when someones going to jump her for all she's worth (i.e Spencer). Well played.

Next you have Audrina who is posing as if she were at her annual Glamor Shots sessions because, let's face it, that's the best modeling that Audrina can do. Fake tan. Fake teeth. All admirable qualities in my book.

Now we have Lauren, or LC, as I (and only I) call her. They've perfectly captured LC looking down and laughing which clearly depicts the life of LC - always looking down upon people and laughing at them. I would imagine they had a face cutout of Lisa Loveless stapled to the ground and that's what LC is laughing it.

And finally....there's Whitney. Whitney can barely stand up on her own two feet and is being physically held down by Lauren. She's tries to keep her smile going, but smiling and standing at the same time are certainly not Whitney's strengths.

So for those who've said "Don't judge a book by its cover" you were completely wrong in this case. This cover has The Hills Whores down...to...a....science. Brilliant.

...In Other News...

The hills are alive with the sound of smugness. In other news...

~ Tom Cruise and Oprah Sitting in a Tree ~ AgentBedHead

~ Salma Grows a Beard Because She Can ~ DSF

~ Sing Johansson, Sing! ~ Yeeeah

~ Can I Live in Rachel Hunters Dog House? ~ PopBytes

~ Anyone Wanna See a Jimi Hendrix Sex Tape? ~ POTP

~ Hulk Hogan Incest? ~ NinjaDude

~ BAFTA Awards Coverage ~ Ayyyy

~ News News, and More News! ~ WeSmirch

~ 2 Suri Cruise's for the Price of 1 ~ CityRag

~ Britney in a Towel ~ FatBack

~ Heidi Cries...Again ~ ImNotObsessed

The Hills: Stephen is Back, Pointlessly

Reunited and it feels so good. Hot glue your cheap looking hair extensions to your scalp and grab your red keg cups because it's Laguna Beach reunion night on The Hills! Stephen Colletti is going to be swinging by the set of The Hills to party it up with LC, Lo, and the rest of the kids. Will LC and Stephen get back together? Uh, how about "no" since they were all on Howard Stern earlier in the day and saying that LC was dating someone now. Thanks for the spoiler. Again, all The Hills kids need to go into hiding in between seasons.

One last thing before I start the recap. Um, so remember how back on Friday, April 18th, I broke some Hills news about Heidi and Spencer and specifically said that Spencer talked about how there was "100% a sex tape?" Notice how yesterday and late last week that came out again on Perez, Us Weekly, Tyra Banks, E! Online, the Ryan Seacrest show, etc? Just a reminder that you IBBB readers read it here FIRST. Moving on. Here's what down on The Hills:

• Remember when Mona from "Who's the Boss" had to live on top of the garage because she had no other place to go? Yeah, well Audrina is the new Mona because she's living in the guesthouse Kato Kaelin style. Hopefully, she won't go all OJ and stab the piss out of LC and Lo. Maybe she will, stay tuned.
• Does Lo know she's on TV? She's be so preoccupied with her new nose that she forgot to chisel the shellack out of her rats nest of a hairdo.
• Hahaha Steve and Sandy Sanders are at the "Central Perk" of the west coast, although there is not one other person in the coffee shop. I like the new set. Anyway, Sandy orders her coffeeish thing and miraculously is handed it about 3 seconds later. Poor Steve Sanders has the flu, which apparently causes him to never blink. Oh, and cue the conversation about Sandy Sanders going to LC's house-warming party. Blah blah loyalty....blah blah I don't blink.....blah blah why do we always have different hair styles in every scene. Blah blah.
• Actually, I think Steve and Sandy Sanders went off the script when Steve tells Sandy that her semi-formal date in high school wasn't really her boyfriend. They kind of awkwardly smile/laugh and keep on "arguing." Wasn't Sandy Sanders locked up during high school for stealing and meth and some shit?
• Wow for just moving into a house 4 minutes ago, these skanks have the place decorated, painted, and good to go. I know when I move into a place the first thing I do is light my tiki torches. Actually, that's the second thing I do. The first thing I do is lock my dead in the eyes friend with blindingly white teeth in the guesthouse.
• The girls are cutting up shit in the kitchen for their party and Lo is doing so in what I can only imagine is her prom dress. She is so formal, especially when pronouncing her words. Last week she said, "cot-ton" and this week she's doing that weird thing with the letter "t" by calling them "cur-Tins." I like how she hyphenates for me. Oh yeah, hyphenate...that's the spot. Huh?
• Holy editing Batman! Audrina mentions that Justin Bobby is coming to the party and then they just start showing quick shots over everyones face. Lo, the douche that she is, tells Audrina that maybe Justin Bobby will wear his cowboy hat. Next thing you know the edit machine goes haywire and starts showing quick face shots again of Audrina, Lo, and LC. There is silence, except for the chopping, and then the editing machine stops. I was confused by all of this. They are such douche's to Audrina. That must be the new storyline.
• LC rules this house with an iron fist. When Lo asks LC about Stephen she tells her to stop and not get all 9th grade on her. Lo better listen or she's gonna be locked in the guesthouse too along with the rest of the Goonies.
• Fiesta time. Jarret and Whitney arrive and are shown for literally 2 seconds. That's all we'll see of them for the remainder of the show. No joke. They could have just used cardboard cutouts (it's the same thing with Whitney anyway).
• Brody shows up with a juicer (because he's a tool) and his new girlfriend, Cora. Let's take a minute with Cora. Cora is way hot. She's way hotter than LC and LC knows it. If I were LC I would have put on all my jewelry, took my boobs out of my shirt, and held up my dads bank account because there is NO WAY she's competing with Cora. Oh, and maybe LC should take off her name ring because, like the name necklace, those weren't cool even in 1994.
• Meanwhile, back at the set of Heidi's apartment Sandy Sanders talks with Heidi about going to LC's party. At the end, Sandy decides to not go and watch movies with Heidi. Fun. Maybe they'll watch the LC sex tape? Or better yet, maybe they'll watch scenes from The Hills: Season One and try to figure out which one is Heidi since she looks like a different person.
• Stephen shows up for his paid stint on The Hills and then Justin Bobby walks in moments later with his new haircut. He then apparently goes right into the guesthouse. He probably figured Audrina wasn't released from the guesthouse for her party. He's smart like that.
• The "next day" LC and Sandy Sanders are at school talking about the party. Why the hell does LC ask her if she remembers her high school friend Stephen? Didn't Sandy Sanders just meet LC last season? Sandy says she doesn't know who he is. Wait a second, that's a lie. You know she totally watched Laguna Beach. LC was kinda like, I went to high school with him in Laguna Beach...and it was filmed....for a show....called Laguna Beach....on MTV...and it turned into a spinoff.....called The Hills....which you're kinda starring in.....right now.....see the camera guys around us......noticed how they follow you......the reason why you have a microphone clipped to you at all times......yeah, that Stephen.
• Ross and Rachel head out to dinner and they talk about high school and how their parents are all intrigued by what will happen with them together. The pointless date is over and they go home. This was f'n boring. Does Stephen always have a camera in his truck? Maybe it's left over from Laguna Beach.
• Seriously, Lo is the worst. She is forever "Lo" from Laguna Beach. I'm embarrassed for her.

Next week on The Hills the girls get a dog and that's about it. Oh, and they continue being douche bags to Audrina so she may move out. Heidi may go to Vegas for work...for about 3 seconds. Shit, they better start coming up with some new stuff STAT.

Click Here for Past Hills Recaps

Click Here To Become MYSPACE Friends With IBBB!

Ant Becks Back on TV?

Sweet! All my Full House dreams have almost come true! Ant Becky-Becks may be playing the role of the mom on that new 90210 spinoff. Brilliant! Random drunken sources are claiming that Lori Loughlin will play Celia Mills, an ex-Olympic athlete who relocated to Beverly Hills 90210 with her husband who's the new principle of Beverly Hills High...and their two kids, who I assume are still Nicky and Alex.

I say bring it on! I can only hope that Mrs Teasley is still at Beverly Hills High and on the lookout for drunken seniors who are attending the prom. No joke, if she is, my sad and pathetic life would be complete. Anyway, Ant Becks as an ex-Olympian makes me a little anxious. I mean, I don't know if she can handle this big move to Beverly Hills. Remember what happened when Uncle Jesse was a huge success over in Japan and Ant Becks decided to "leave the tour" and head back to the good old US of A? It almost broke up their marriage and they would have had to move out of Danny's attic. See? A lot can happen. I will give bonus points to the new 90210 if they really do cast Nicky and Alex as her kids and will award even more bonus points if the theme song is "I'm the Cute One" and is sung by Nicky and Alex themselves. Why in the holy hell am I not writing for this show? I have so many ideas!

Source It Up!

Meg Griffin All Grown Up

Mila Kunis, which is Russian for "My Kunis," got down to a bikini for In Style magazine and gave me reason #24,539 why I love Family Guy. You know how people who voice cartoons are really ugly, because if they were attractive they wouldn't need to be animated? Well, this is one of those cases that is the opposite of what I just said. It's opposites day at IBBB! Anyway, Mila Kunis is has been the voice of Meg Griffin from Family Guy for years now and can most recently be seen in Forgetting Sarah Marshall. She's also Russian and can speak Russian, which is really a double edged sword for me. If Mila was not an actress, but still looked like this I assume she would have been one of those mail-order-brides, which means I could have purchased her with about 150 UPC codes from that back of my Tropicana orange juice carton. What a deal! Mila would be very happy with me as I'm sure she, along with the rest of the population, really wants to date a blogger. Bloggers are really the new white meat. I don't know what that means. That'll be all. Good day.

If Brandon Walsh Looks This Old, Jim and Cindy Must Be Dead By Now

Da da da, da da da da holy hell! Brandon Walsh (I refuse to call him by his real name) was recently in NYC for the release of Mario Kart wii at the Nintendo World and was looking sorta old, which kinda hurts me because technically that means that I'm getting old too and that's just depressing. Brandon signed some autographs and even a Brandon Walsh doll according to Buzzfoto.com. That's nice. Know what's nicer? What's nicer is that ever since the buzz around the 90210 spinoff you get to see more and more of the old 90210 cast. However, you never really see Jim or Cindy Walsh, so I'll just assume that they're both dead and since I turn my assumptions into facts let's just start saying that Jim and Cindy are dead. They're dead. Both. Dead. Pass that on.

...In Other News...

From sea to shining sea....gull....from Heidi's video on the beach. In other news...

~ Heather Locklear Picks Up Where Jennifer Love Left Off ~ AgentBedHead
~ Pam Anderson Loves Dead Bunnies ~ PopBytes
~ The View + Miley = World Implosion ~ CS
~ Celebrities With Extra Dressage ~ Ayyyy
~ Phoebe Price Bikini....Yelp! ~ DSF
~ Roger Clemens the Pedophile? ~ FatBack
~ Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer? ~ Yeeeah
~ News News and More News ~ WeSmirch
~ Latest Celebrity Going Green? ~ CityRag

Who Won Big Brother 9?

Ah another season of Big Brother has come and gone and if you're one of the other 17 people like me who actually watches this show you were probably not completely shocked that Adam won the $500,000 prize and captured almost all the votes. That's nice. You may remember Adam being captured on camera multiple times making fun of children with autism all while he actually works with children with autism, so it's great and well deserved that he won the money. Karma was apparently missing last night. Although, Adam did claim that he would donate $100,000 to children with autism. Someone stay on top of that and see if it actually happens. I'm wondering if he'll change his tune after they take taxes out of the $500,000 and he's basically left with like $275,000. Time will tell.

Next up, the viewers then voted for the house guest they felt deserved to win a $25,000 prize and America voted that James should win the $25,000. That's nice. You may remember that James has a sorted gay-porn past, so that's nice that America felt he needed the money because at the end of the day, porn stars, are the most deserving of all.

Anyway, next comes the fun part when the house guests are immersed back into society and they get to see all the horrible things they've said about each other, racial remarks, etc. James will learn that America knows about his porn past and Natalie will discover just how crazy she is. All of this will be followed by, of course, the rest of the house guests eventually selling their crap on eBay because there are some equally crazy Big Brother fans that would actually want to buy it. Long live the American Dream!

Can Halle Berry Just Stay Like This?

So, uh, can Halle Berry please stay like this? Thanks for your assistance. Halle may have only given birth 6-weeks ago, but she is back and better than ever thanks to her ginormous rack-attack. Now those could either be her boobs or she could have smuggled her baby, Nahla, with her to the Silver Rose Gala and Auction in Beverly Hills last night. Halle is insanely hot and I don't even mind that she has permanent chlorine stains on her left leg. I've truly grown so much as a person.

In other Halle Berry, less boob related news, Halle will be heading back to work to star in and produce the psychological drama "Frankie and Alice." Berry will play a woman with multiple personality disorder. Awesome! I hope one of those personalities has huge boobs as Halle has above. And, I hope that the "Alice" in Frankie and Alice is actually the Alice from The Brady Bunch. I always thought that chick was nuts. I'll keep my fingers crossed.

Hey There Lindsay 2.0

As predicted Miley Cyrus is scheduled to be the next Lindsay Lohan, the better Lohan if you will. No need to pay any attention to what Ali Lohan will do because I have a feeling that Miley will crash harder. Miley Cryus is all apologies for her recent internet photos that have surfaced and for her upcoming Vanity Fair photos. Personally, I don't think it's so scandalous that Miley appears to be topless. I find it more scandalous that Miley looks like she should be one of the Culkin brothers.

As far as her apology goes Miley has said, "My goal in my music and my acting is always to make people happy. For Vanity Fair, I was so honored and thrilled to work with Annie [Leibovitz]. I took part in a photo shoot that was supposed to be 'artistic' and now, seeing the photographs and reading the story, I feel so embarrassed."

Boring. Then The Disney Channel issued a far more interesting statement: "Unfortunately, as the article suggests, a situation was created to deliberately manipulate a 15-year-old in order to sell magazines." Really? Now was that technically more deliberate then when the Disney Channel creates a situation to deliberately manipulate a 15-year-old in order to cell CDs and get better ratings for their TV show? Just checking.

Who Said That!?

Jennifer Love Shows Who's the Boss

Jennifer Love Hewitt finds new and innovative ways to remind her fiance, Ross McCall, just who makes the money and who's in control in their relationship. Not only does she force him to walk the dog and clean up the dog shit, but as he does it she "gets him" from behind. Regardless, this dude is set for life assuming J Love makes more than minimum wage working on The Ghost Whisperer. I'd be Jennifer Love Hewitt's bitch for the money. Hell, I'd be Rumor Willis' bitch. Hmmm, maybe that's a new goal I should have. I may work on that.

Spencer's Busy, Let IBBB Take a Message: 7

Back by popular demand is my own advice column: "Spencer's Busy, Let IBBB Take a Message" In case you need to be caught up on what this is click here to read last weeks. Anyway, thank to all of you sick bastards who wrote in a question and sorry to those of you who I didn't choose. Keep sending them and I'll keep printing them out and shredding them! Here we go....

Dear IBBB,

I'm dying to know, what's your take on Kathy Lee Gifford on The Today Show??

Luv,

Anonymous

Dear LISA,

You may have signed your email "anonymous" but you emailed me...therefore I know your name. Nice try, sneaky. You know, this gets me pretty upset. Why would anyone care what my take is on Kathy Lee Gifford? There is a war that's still going on and we, as a universe, are facing day in and day out major issues with global warming, etc. Why not get your priorities in order!? PSYCH! Just playing. I could care less about global warming or the war. I am, however, passionate about all things Kathy Lee Gifford, or Snatchy Leak Gifford as I like to call her. Personally, I've only seen her once on The Today Show, but feel I can place 100% judgement on her based on the 25 minutes that I watched. Bottom line, she's still doing that weird winking thing with her left eye. And I'm still confused by the relationship with her husband. Plus, Cody and Cassidy are complete douche bags. Therefore, I give Snatchy Leak Gifford 2 middle fingers up! Keep up the good work, Snatchy.

Stay Strong,

IBBB

Hey ImBringingBloggingBack,

I don't mean to be mean, but you've been saying your goal is to host The Soup for 2 years now. No offense, but I don't think The Soup has ever had a guest host. Sorry to burst your bubble.

Signed,

Breanna

Hey Breanna,

First off, thanks for addressing me by my full name. Second, thanks for crushing my dream. But, please don't stop here. I'm sure there's an orphanage that you want to swing by and fill the little kiddies in on that whole Santa thing. After that please get your passport ready because you have to catch your flight to give inspirational speeches to the summer Olympians. Be sure to let them know that most of them won't win. They like that. Finally, swing on by a Jenny Craig meeting and just yell into the room "pointless." They'll all be squealing with delight. Anyway, thanks for the email.

You Suck,

IBBB

***Need advice from IBBB? Email me: ImBringingBloggingBack at Yahoo.com. Maybe I'll add your question to this site. Maybe I won't. At the end of the day, who really cares.***

Click Here to Read Past Advice

Click Here to Become MYSPACE Friends With IBBB. What a Treat!

Mariah F's Up on Good Morning America

Ba da ba ba ba I'm lovin' it! Anyone catch Mariah on Good Morning America this morning? I typically like to start my day by checking out an almost middle-aged woman with her boobs popping out of her tight hot pink dress so I, of course, snapped on GMA to see Mariah "perform" a tune or two. Sure that sounds kinda boring, but wanna know what spices that up? How 'bout Mariah f'ing up in the first 4 seconds of her song? Ruh-ro Rorge! Now I'm not sure if her back-up track pulled an Ashlee Simpson, but I'm pretty sure that I hear Mariah's voice but never saw her lips moving (or her mouth...oh!)

Mariah tried to solve this problem by looking around and singing something, but I assumed she was reading the Chinese Menu on the billboard just up the street from where she was performing. Moments later Mariah "Sing Fights" with her backup singers by inserting the lyrics "stop singing my part now baby" as she looked at them and 'sassily' pointed. Yay! Train wreck! Mariah's about 2 lip-syncing mishaps away from giving out popsicles in her underwear at TRL. I can't wait!

Catch the train wreck moments at the 50 second mark and at the 3-minute mark.

Attica! Attica! Attica!

Wesley Snipes is about to pull an accelerated Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton prison sentence, it's been announced. Snipes was found guilty of doing "tax tricks" with the US government and was therefore sentenced to 3-years in the clank. Yowza! Who knew filing your taxes was a requirement. I better get on that STAT.

Snipes addressed the court and stated, "I'm very sorry for my mistakes and errors. I apologize to my family, the court and the community. I've asked the court to show me mercy and the opportunity to make things right."

Yeah, well the court didn't show too much mercy. Looks like Wesley is going to be slow dancing with a couple of inmates shortly. He didn't, however, have to report directly to jail, but will be allowed to do so at a later date. How 'bout 2095?

I'll never understand why celebrities do this risky crap? You are rich, very rich. I would never break any law and risk ever not being able to spend my millions.

Source It Up!

Get Your Ass Back to Work Nicole Richie

You best get your lazy ass back to work, Nicole Richie, because the fine readers of Us Weekly have just voted you as the next new mom to get your own reality show. Quite the honor. The people of Us Weekly are selfless and help celebrities make important life decisions day in and day out. Why, just the other day the readers voted that it was not ok to break up with someone via text message. First text message insights and then directly on to world peace!

So, stop being so lazy and hung up on being a mom behind closed doors and allow the cameras into your life 24/7 so we can see you juggling being a mom and a reality television star. How would one do that? Anyway, carry on Christina Aguilera and Halle Berry because people do not want to see you being a mom. Great voting my good people, great voting!

This Time Last Year: Poshtoria Beckham

Happy Friday and welcome back to everyones favorite lazy segment called "This Time Last Year." This Time Last Year will take a brief look at what was going on in the celebrity world...this time last year (go figure). Oh, and also I'm lazy so this is pretty easy to do on a Friday. Here's what was going on with Poshtoria and her ghost boobs this time last year...

It's been a while that a celebrity has been attacked by ghost boobs, but it looks like Poshtoria is the latest victim. Poshtoria was just getting in to LA from London when the ghost boobs attacked her right in front of all the paparazzi. What are the odds of that happening? In even less interesting Poshtoria news, the Beckham's are reportedly suing a lookalike couple who got a sports car, jewelry, and a table at a top restaurant after posing as the Beckham's. I guess the real life Beckham's feel that their reputation is being damaged by the lookalikes. Uh, I think her reputation is being damaged by showing her boobs to the paparazzi. Actually scratch that (not literally). I think her reputation is improving by showing her boobs to the paparazzi. Check her out on Fox's new "When Ghost Boobs Attack!"

...In Other News...

Clearly everyone involved is having a blast at the Lakers game last night. Even Knockers and Rack look bored and they're the cheerleaders. In other news...

~ Mischa Makes Crappy Sex Scene ~ DSF
~ Adios Tattooed American Idol Finalist ~ PopBytes
~ Miranda Kerr's Muscular Chest ~ NinjaDude
~ Julianne Moore is a Younger Lindsay with Equal Freckles ~ FatBack
~ Mariah + Motherhood = ~ Ayyyy
~ Jada Pinkett With a Ratlike Mullet ~ Yeeeah
~ More Celeb News ~ WeSmirch
~ Who Showed for the Kanye After Party? ~ POTP
~ Retarded Walmart Ad ~ Webster
~ Megan Fox-a-Palooza ~ CityRag
~ Madonna's Filthy Hands ~ AgentBedHead

America's Next Top Model: When in Rome

Find out what happened on last nights crapisode of America's Next Top Model. The skanks are in Rome and you know what they say. When in Rome do as Tyra would do. ANTM recapper, Jenny, is back again to tell you what went down on ANTM. Enjoy!

• Viva Italia! The girls are in Rome. I can't wait to hear Tyra's Italian accent...I know it's coming, you know it's coming....The girls take a tour of Rome...As Anya steps off the bus she takes a digger and chews rocks. If Tyra was there, she would have given Anya a lesson on how to walk it off and continue on. Make it look like she was dancing off the bus...while being fierce. "You see what I just did there?"
• Tyra mail arrives for the girls and Tyra has turned her photo into the Mona Lisa. As she should. Actually, I'm surprised Tyra didn't go bigger. I thought we'd be see photos of Tyra all over the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. Perhaps video mail of Tyra saying mass at the Vatican?
• The girls arrive on the plaza and there are Segways everywhere. This week's challenge must be to act as mall security. Oh wait it's a Segway tour through Rome in which the guide points out how well Italian women dress. Interesting. Except it's not.
• They get to meet art director Attilio Vaccari. He explains the challenge to girls and I have no idea what he is talking about. Regardless, the girls dress up in clothes and walk. Anya wins and gets to sport a gown on the red carpet.
• More Tyra mail...This one says Facile, Brezza, Bella. You guessed it Peanuts gang, that translates to Easy, Breezy, Beautiful. As Lauren says, and I quote "Crap Crap Crap Cover Girl." Now that's a slogan. If she was smart, she would copyright that before they steal it from her.
• The models have to shoot a Cover Girl commercial while speaking Italian. It is God awful. All of it. All of them. It reminds of being in Spanish class with the poor kid who does terrible in the class, but the teacher refuses to speak English to him or call on someone else. So he sits there for 40 minutes trying to get through the 3 sentences he is supposed to real aloud. Wait, what am I talking about? Side note. How is Dominique still in this competition?
• Tyra gives us a quick lesson on the history of Rome. But not before mentioning that the biggest fashion show in the industry takes place on the Spanish Steps and that SHE has been in that fashion show FOUR TIMES.
• AND HERE IT IS....Tyra busts out the Italian accent. It is a Jamaican accent, no word of a lie. Jamaican. What is wrong with her? Every accent she imitates ends up being Jamaican. Does she think that the Jamaicans were the first settlers in every country in the world?
• Lauren and her thumb are being sent back to America. Five girls remain MON!

Past ANTM Recaps

The Hills Riddle Time!

Good morning. Time for a "The Hills" Riddle.

Riddle: How do you know that Lauren Conrad is not filming a scene for The Hills?

Answer: Not everyone in the picture is white.

Oh snap! I even made myself laugh with that one. Anytrash, Lauren Conrad was at the "Redkens Real Control Cocktail Party" at Warren Tricomi in West Hollywood last night. She's pictured above with stylist Kaz Amor. Basically I don't know what 6 of those words I just typed meant. Regardless, it's nice seeing Lauren with people of other nationalities and cultural backgrounds. There are other colors in the crayon box, LC. Perhaps try "Burnt Sienna" or "Brick Red."

Alex Mccord Shows Her Gentlemen Greeter

Uh-oh someone better teach Francois how to say "Mommy, stick pins in my eyes" in French because The Real Housewives of New York City's Alex McCord is busy showing off her rack-attack and her gentlemen greeter whilst she holds onto the towel rack. Just a week or so ago, pictures were mysteriously released of Alex only show her robotic boosums, but now pictures have surfaced of Alex showing everybody exactly where she shot out her kids. Please note, she does not have a tattoo of the Statue of Liberty over her greeter, that's just my photoshopping skills. Oh, and there aren't taxi cabs riding over her rack either.

Now that we're all on the same page, I must admit she's kinda gross. Now don't get me wrong she looks great for having a couple of snot nosed kids with bad names, but have you ever wondered what your 8th grade nun looked like naked? Well if you've screamed at your computer, "Yes IBBB! I've always wondered what my 8th grade nun looked like naked" then this is pretty much it. For some of my other readers, if you've ever wondered what Skeletor looked like naked, here is your answer as well.

So did anyone watch the Real Housewives of NYC reunion show the other night? More Ramona, please! She definitely reminds me of Jerry from The Facts of Life more than ever now!

Click Here to See the Rest of Alex and Her Bits....PERVERTS!

I Want My J Lo TV

Holy Bailamos J Lo! Saint Jennifer Lopez de las Bronx will be coming to a television set near you (hopefully in panoramic). Have you ever wondered what J Glow would do after she beautifully mastered the art of fine acting and mastered her singing career? Well wonder no longer because now you get to watch Saint Jennifer juggle all of her 25 mediocre careers and motherhood all at the same fly-girl time. This reality "docu-series" or "lopez-vision" as I'll be calling it will air on TLC, which apparently still exists.

J Lo will be co-executive producer, co-creator, and co-star of this "show." She'll also be the co-ruiner.

When reached for comment, Saint Jennifer Lopez de las Bronx said "I'm looking forward to sharing this exciting journey together." Oh yeah? I'm excited to hopefully listen to J Glow sing soft and out of tune lullabies to her twins. First a "docu-series" and then a whole channel dedicted to Saint Jennifer. Sky and ass is the limit!

Waiting for tonight....ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Source It Up!

I'm Coming For You, Jamie Lynn Sigler!

Wow, it's strange how much that title's meaning can change just by moving around the comma. Anyskank, good news for me and NYC because Jamie-Lynn Sigler is back on the trash-heap market! She allegedly broke up with her boyfriend Scott Sartiano and may be moving back to LA to focus on her acting career. I know what you're thinking. Why is that good for me if she's not going to be in NYC? Good question. First, none of your damn business. Second, she's going to focus on her acting in LA....which means she'll be back to NYC before you know it!

Hopefully when Jamie-Lynn heads out to LA she'll find someone to wax her arms, because that crap has to go. Hopefully she'll run into Alyssa Milano and get her arms waxed while she's at it too. Moving on. The drunken source who is claiming this break-up states, "It just couldn't work. It's what's best for them right now. They're both really sad. They were very in love." Yeah that is sad, although this same source could have been talking about Ross and Rachel. Either way, I have a chance. I'm sure Jamie-Lynn Sigler would definitely want to date a blogger who also is the spokesperson for a t-shirt business about how New Jersey sucks. Eh, if she's not into it I'll just wait it out for the other Jamie-Lynn....Spears. I hear that rat trap skank puts out! Oww owww!

Who Claims This!?

Weeeeeeeeee! QVC!

Ba da ba ba ba I'm lovin' it! What's black and white and red all over? A Clay Aiken hugging a Tyra Banks, but of course! As a sidenote, the answer to that joke could also be "A freckled Lindsay Lohan dry-humping a skunk." Just in case you were wondering. Anyway, Clay Aiken and Tyra Banks were embracing each other for a impromptu photoshoot. Clearly, Clay has found his lobster. Clay Aiken is going to be pushing the crap out of his new CD on QVC this coming Monday. What a treat. His CD is titled, "On My Way Here," but he might as well just title his CD with what he's really going after, "I'm Selling Directly to My Middle America White Trash Trailer Park Fans By Going on QVC Where They Can Also Purchase Rain Coats for Their Cats." Sure it's a little long, but I'm sure they can wrap that title around the front and back of the CD.

Clay has said, "Starting my career on national, live television, it seems fitting to be unveiling my new album live on QVC." Hopefully when he gets there they can perm his hair or something. I want him looking like Little Orphan Annie while he's selling.

No joke when I first saw this picture I was thinking, "I didn't know that Tyra Banks was that close of friends with that red headed chick from Sex and the City." Then I took a closer look. Then I poured bleach in my eyes.

Thanks, Kasey, for the heads up.

Source It Up!

2 Minute Recaps: Pork You!

Back by popular demand is "2 Minute Recaps." A spinoff of "Harriet Carter Wednesday," watch my favorite Harriet Carter model, Rachel Platt, host this online cooking show like a champ. If you're new to this, check out the explainer by clicking here. Now that we're all settled, here's my craptastic recap of this weeks episode of Rachel and Will making "Pork Loin."

• Rachel is really excited to be cooking something new since all she seems to eat is "chicken flavored chicken with a side of chicken!" I know how she feels, although I typically eat turkey flavored chicken with a side of shut the F up.
• This time the pork is going to be Asian flavored and something tells me that Rach isn't going to be so great with Asian anything. Oh, there we go. Yes, Rachel is visibly relieved that she doesn't have to go to Chinatown to pick up the ingredients. I'm sure she's relieved only because when she is in Chinatown she typically has to do the $2 dollar sucky sucky. For $5 dollars she does everything. Oh, and I'm pretty sure that Chef Will just made a crack about saving a couple of dogs. Uh yeah, like Asian people eat dogs. Real nice Will.
• What the hell is "Chef Will" talking about? Why would you marinate your pork loin in the sink or dishwasher? Do people do that? Really? I usually marinate my pork loin down my pants. That's normal right? I make sure its in the front of my pants because there's too much skid mark build up in the back of my pants. I'm disgusting.
• Oh Christ! Rachel almost suffers from a stroke when Will talks about cooking couscous. Oh snap Will even insults Rachey Poo and everything. They're a sweet couple. They'll have brilliant children.
• Gross. That pork looks like pigeon popsicles. No thanks.
• Insert Sexual Innuendo Here: We all have our first times. Oh Will. I bet you want to pork more than just your main course.
• Rachel legit only eats the couscous.....because that makes sense....because that takes 2 seconds to cook. Finally, Rachel is so impressed with herself that she made pork. Yeah, you didn't make a thing. You used Will for his cooking expertise and for his pork loin...and his meat. Pig!

Well kids, this is the one of the last 2 Minute Recaps as Chef Will and Rachey haven't cooked anything new in weeks. Let's hope they didn't get canceled!?

...In Other News...

Lauren Conrad heads out for a scripted night on the scripted town with a scripted mystery man when scripted photographers sriptedly snapped scripted photos of her while she showed her scripted reaction which made the script and onto Us Weekly. Script.

~ Britney Not So Crazy Anymore ~ PopBytes
~ Danica Patrick Bikini Palooza ~ FatBack
~ Angie Harmon Shows a Little ~ POTP
~ OJ and Trump Sitting in a Tree ~ AgentBedHead
~ Megan Fox Hugs a Pig ~ NinjaDude
~ Russia Bans Paris? ~ Yeeeah
~ Nicole Kidman Baby Bump Quiz ~ Ayyyy
~ More Celeb News ~ WeSmirch
~ Gisele Sideboob! ~ DSF
~ Jodie Marsh Busts Out ~ CS

~ Jersey Sucks, Here's Why ~ JS

Harriet Carter and the Penis Leaker. Huh?

Visit JerseySucks.net

Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday mo-fo's. Just the other week I complained that Harriet needed to update her crapalog and then this week...BAM...new products! By now, you know my life goal of making it into the Harriet Carter catalog. Well, I may not have made it yet, but as you can see from the sponsorship above, I am the new spokesperson for www.JerseySucks.net, a website which discusses the suckiness of New Jersey and also sells some hilarious t-shirts. Be sure to go visit them and buy a t-shirt because part of the proceeds go to charity and by charity I mean me. No joke, I get a percentage. I am technically Failure Model Dude. Operation sell out rules! ANYWAY, this week Harriet brings back Failure Model Chick, helps with your pissing problem, kills television, and protects your $15.00 all at the same time. She is a treat with whorelike qualities and that's what I like about the beast. Let's go!

Product # 1 - Oh no you didn't. Oh no you just did not! You did NOT just bring Failure Model Chick back into the Harriet Carter catalog and make her model old man eye glasses!? This, perhaps, is the best day of my life. Where to begin? Well, first and foremost she is absolutely doing her best "Don Knotts from The Incredible Mr Limpet" impersonation and she has it down to a science. As a sidenote, looking at Failure Model Chick in these molester prisoner eyeglasses makes me Mr. Limpet if you know what I mean...and I think ya do....because I'm 12...and a pervert. No joke, I think her lips are photoshopped in and I'm pretty certain that half of her has been animated. Don't get me wrong I'd love to watch a full feature Failure Model Chick cartoon, but this is a little too much. And why the hell isn't she looking through the eye glasses. They're not bifocals, right? Seriously she looks like an 85 yr old man who's going thin on top. That's a pretty sweater too. Very youthful. What could she be thinking when they're shooting her? I assume she's praying that bullets come flying out of the camera instead of flashes. As a sidenote, 2 Minute Chef hasn't had any new crapisodes in a while. I hope she's not out of work. Eh, maybe she'll turn to porn. Thanks Harriet for making this Wednesday a little extra special for me!

Product # 2 - Do you have some fake pearls, a cartoon gold watch, and about $15.00 in cash to hide and protect? Well take all that stuff out of the waffle box in your freezer because the burglars are getting smarter and know to look there. Wanna know where they don't look? Well behind electrical outlets of course! Duh! Now make sure you're placing all your "valuables" into the electrical socket when your young and impressionable kids are watching because they need to learn the lesson that sticking their snotty little fingers into electrical sockets really is a game and is fun too! You never know when there's secret treasure hidden behind there! You know what helps you find the treasure faster kids? Use a fork or a knife and stick it right in the socket. If you don't get electrocuted and die, YOU WIN! Oh and what a prize it will be. I mean $15.00 and a cartoon gold watch. You couldn't dream of much more than that. Hopefully your cartoon burglars aren't also electricians or you may have a BIG problem on your hands and you'll be out the $15.00. I know, tough break, but it's the chance you have to take for security and peace of mind.

Product # 3 - You know what there aren't enough of out there? Guns. Good old fashion revolvers. Remember, guns are fun and are toys and you should be pointing them at things like televisions in order to change the channel because, well, it just makes sense. Harriet's house must be like the shootem' up corral! Put on NBC, BANG! Put on MTV, BANG! Go get me my dinner, bitch...BANG! Oh, and I'm not 100% positive, but I'm going to assume that any form of a remote control isn't going to change that 1962 black and white television. If you're purchasing this product, at this point just turn the gun on yourself. No really, it's ok. You've lived a decent life. Sure you throw your money away on pointless items like Gun Remote Controls while there are poor and starving children in this world, but it's still money well spent. Now use the gun and say hello to my Jesus when you get up there. Anyway, at the very least this remote control gun is a great way to teach the kids that when they don't like something they see they can simply use a gun to change it and see something else. At the end of the day, just blame Marilyn Manson. I'm sure he's still relevant, right? Thanks, Harriet, for the bang...and the gun.

Product # 4 - Are you constantly up all night making frequent trips to the bathroom, gentlemen? Do you have a "going problem" like those commercials claim? Well you may not have a going problem, you may have a "growing problem"...meaning your prostate may be growing and forcing you to make multiple bathroom trips per night. Sure there's medication you can take for this, but you're white trash and spent all your social security money on a fake electrical outlet safe and remote control gun. All you have left to help you stop taking so many leaks is this handy-dandy "Leak Ender" from Harriet Carter. If it's good enough for your outdoor hose, it's good enough for your indoor hose. I mean your penis when I say "indoor hose." That was clear, right? Anyway, stop the frequent leaks immediately by simply placing your horrific old man penis into this Leak Ender and spin the Leak Ender around and around as if you're winding a clock. It's basically the same motion, except this time you're winding your cock. Circle of life, my friends, circle of life. Once your circulation has been cut off and you're screaming for Hosanna in the Highest to remove your from this earth you know the Leak Ender is working! Sure you've gone blind, have been spitting up blood for 45 minutes, and have been in the fetal position since Sunday, but you're not peeing are you? Presto! Problem solved and you don't have the same side effects as those creepy medications. You...are....welcome! Thanks Harriet for curing diseases and keeping my lawn looking green season after season!

Visit JerseySucks.net

Previous Harriet Carter Product Reviews!

Click Here to Become MYSPACE Friends With IBBB and Harriet Carter(ish)!

Kim Kardashian Cameltoe Palooza!

Good morning boys, girls, and skanks! What a treat I have for you all today. Now pull up your nap mats and take a look at some fresh Kim Kardashian cameltoe while you eat your Cheerios! Where does one even being with this photo? Well, first Kim is walking around cloudy LA without any makeup on. She should never do this as she is rich and should always look like she's ready to go to the prom. It's like Kim leaving the house without any money. It wouldn't happen. It shouldn't happen. Next up, check out the dude on the left that's clearly checking out the famous "Kardashian assian." Brilliant. Finally, we take a quick look south of the Kardashian border (and just to the left of her Churros y Chocolate station) and we notice that she's sporting some reality cameltoe. Good for her. Therefore it's time to play everyones favorite game, "The ImBringingBloggingBack Cameltoe Rating System....to the Stars!" This is when IBBB rates the celebrity cameltoe and awards the celebrity with a certain number of camels out of a possible 5 camel rating. This time around Kim has been awarded 4 out of 5 camels! What an honor. I would have given her the 5th camel if there was a second picture of Kim picking out her cameltoe. Oh well, 4 camels is still a major accomplishment in the life of Kim Kardashian and probably the best, and only, award she's received to date. Congratulations Kim! Carry on.

Mariah Celebrates #1 By Dressing 16

Mariah left her NYC apartment the other day dressed like a futuristic farmer in heat (no clue). At what age do you stop dressing like this? I assumed 17, but I could be wrong. Anyway, Mariah has achieved first week sales of 475K, which is an all time high record for Mariah in her first week. Leona Lewis came in a close second with 90K. Ohhh so close. I could have sold more than that. In fact I'm going to start myself up an one of those albums and see how it does. I'll sing into my tape recorder and ask The Hills to play the song and then I'll put it on iTunes. Yeah, that's what I'll do. I'll show you Leona. I'll show you Mariah. I'll show all of you!

...In Other News...

~ Tony Danza: Not Dead Yet! ~ AgentBedHead
~ Fergie Back in a Bikini ~ DSF
~ Celebrity Then and Now ~ Ayyyy
~ Get Your Beckham Waxed ~ PopBytes
~ Miranda Kerr in her 80's Bikini ~ NinjaDude
~ Jessica Simpson and More Dirty ~ FatBack
~ Danica Patrick Does Stuff ~ Yeeeah
~ A Lohan/Olsen Scuffle ~ POTP
~ More News For Y'all! ~ WeSmirch
~ Pete Wentz Forgot His Underpants ~ CityRag
~ Ashlee Simpson "Singing" ~ CS

The Hills: Welcome Back Justin Bobby!

Click Here for Past Hills Recaps
Click Here To Become MYSPACE Friends With IBBB!

To Justin Bobby: Thanks For Everything, ImBringingBloggingBack. Justin Bobby is back en la casa and The Hills just got interesting again. My only question is that once Justin Bobby and Audrina start hanging out again will Lauren hit Audrina with a closed fist or an open fist? Let's see just exactly what went down on this latest episode, A New Roommate, of The Hills:

• How come Lauren can't follow simple directions? Weren't they told they whilst working at Pubic Revolution they needed to wear black at all times and not show their "bobbies?" Well Lauren is in all white, like the angel she is, and I'm seeing a little cleavage right off the rack.
• Audrina's like Pigpen from Charlie Brown. Her closet is a shittin' mess, like her life, with clothes jammed in all over the place and falling off the hangers. When she throws one of her outfits at token friend, Lo, Lo replies "is it c-o-t-t-o-n" making sure to pronounce all the t's in "cotton." I'll give Lo a break since she is still a little new to the script and is still trying to work with her new nose and all.
• Lauren apparently goes to Clown University because she got an A+ on her computer assignment. Do they grade things "A+" while you're in college? And I love how she keeps calling it her "computer class." What's the class, really? I bet she's just playing Oregon Trail on that computer anyway. Hopefully she's the banker from Boston and doesn't die of diphtheria or lose any of her oxen.
• Heidi is back on her victory tour of "A Girls Night Out." I can't take it anymore. We get it. You're fake single and want to play up your fake singleness by going out for a fake girls night out on your fake reality show. Why Sandy Sanders tells Heidi she looks the best on Thursday nights and that "everyone" goes to this one club in LA (when there are 1 million clubs to choose from) is beyond me.
• SCRIPT EDIT: Heidi reads off "It's old water under the bridge." Really, Heidi? Really? Old water huh? Under what bridge, baby? And how old is that water? Now stop, take a breath and rethink that saying that you just said because it's incorrect...that's why you laughed after you said it because you know you are about 2 more incorrect sayings away from being forced by a team of medical professionals to wear Audrina's helmet.
• There's so much to discuss about the "girls night out" at Goa. First off, Heidi actually tells Audrina that Justin Bobby is at the club and she calls him Justin Bobby....like she knows him, which she doesn't. I mean, I'm sure they got to know each other at the weekly table read for The Hills, but she doesn't know him know him. Then Heidi wants to play "bouncer" and make sure that Justin Bobby doesn't come near Audrina...because that's cool. Then Justin Bobby shows up and Heidi and him greet each other. Do they know each other really? I mean I'm sure they know each other from the covers of Us Weekly, but did they ever meet on the show? I'm confused.
• Well it's finally here. The Apocalypse. Stephanie Pratt (Sandy Sanders), Lo, Lauren, Audrina, Heidi, and Justin Bobby all sitting at the same table together. I'm pretty sure this is a sign that the end of the world is upon us. If only Cami from Laguna Beach was there as well I would head into my underground bunker.
• Lauren decides to go home because there are too many people at her table that she can't control.
• So, um, when is Heidi going to correctly pronounce Audrina's name. She keeps calling her "Uh-dreena" all in one breath. Isn't it pronounced more like "Aww-dree-na?"
• Holy Script Batman, Moment: We get it, Lauren, you guys are going to buy a house together. We don't need you and Lo telling the cameras how often Lo stays over and how much more convenient it would be if you all lived together a house. We know you already bought the house. We saw the 15 page spread in Us Weekly 2 months ago. I do find it comical though that you think it's a good idea to move so that you can go through all of your stuff and clean. Oh, I have an idea....maybe just clean your apartment and save yourself, oh I don't know, $2.5 million because....um....that's what you spent on your new house. That's kinda a lot to spend when you're just an intern, Audrina is basically a receptionist, and Lo does nothing. Just sayin.
• Justin Bobby is back baby! And, it's date night for him and Audrina....just like old times, but this time he doesn't seem drugged out....and his teeth are as blindingly white as Audrina's. It's like he's having a teeth-off dance-off with her. And the horrible "Hills" lighting makes him look 42.
• Why does Justin Bobby keep bugging out his eyes after every sentence? Ok can we just say what neither of them will actually come out and say? Justin Bobby is off drugs, right? He went to rehab, right? And now he cleaned up his life, right? Sure the bugged out eyes lead me to believe all this, but I just want them to say it. Say "drug rehab" Justin Bobby Say it, damn it!
• As a sidenote, I'm pretty sure Justin Bobby is wearing Lo's "Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego" hat from last season. It's nice to share whilst on the set of The Hills.
• When J Bob asks Audrina what she's doing later in the night and Audrina says, "I don't know," Justin Bobby says "uh-oh." Kids under 18, this basically means your favorite Hills character, Audrina, is going to get plowed like she's never been plowed before by dear old Justin Bobby. Presumably there will be a lot of leather involved, perhaps some helmets (for protection) and possible a teeth whitening kit. Basically, Audrina is going to become a woman (again) tonight. Bom chica bom bom.
• The morning after Audrina and LC are discussing Justin Bobby and Lauren has a knife so I'm pretty sure she's going to use it on Audrina. Actually, I'm missing the majority of their conversation because I am sitting here in shock and grossed out watching that nasty cat sitting on the counter exactly where Audrina is making her breakfast. Seriously, that's gross. I'll have my grapefruit without cat hair please, thanks! Oh, and hold the cat saliva. Thanks.
• Boring. Heidi and Steve Sanders have another scripted fight. Yeah, we see you guys all over the place so we know you're still together. How about between seasons you all go into hiding and stop whoring yourselves out so that we can find The Hills a little more believable.
• In conclusion, Lauren and Lo together are even douchier then one could imagine. I actually feel bad for Audrina as they basically tell her that they've been house hunting together and they ask her what she plans on doing. Such douche-bags. It's like they're those high-school bitches that just stay high-school bitches even 10 years after they've left high-school. I say Audrina moves in with Heidi. Doh! I just fell for the trap.

Next week on The Hills, Stephen is back to visit LC and it's like Laguna Beach all over again! Oh, and apparently LC bought her house in 2 days and is all ready to have a house-warming party. It must be fun to live in the world of make believe.

Click Here for Past Hills Recaps
Click Here To Become MYSPACE Friends With IBBB!

When Jennifer Aniston's In a Bikini, People Touch Themselves

Finally scientific proof that when Jennifer Aniston is in a bikini people just spontaneously start touching themselves (see above photo with pervy perverson). Jennifer Aniston was at a Miami hotel getting some sun and obviously she doesn't mind mixing in with the common folk. Now that I know this I will certainly up my stalking of Jennifer Aniston. I just assumed she would be placed in a locked cage while on vacation so that people couldn't just attack her. Note to self. Anyway, I don't even know what I would do if I saw Jennifer Aniston at the same hotel as me in a bikini. Actually, I know exactly what I would do. I'd scream like 14 year old school girl from one lounge chair over from her and I would, of course, yell over "Are the Friends really friends" whilst touching myself. I am a gentleman after all, I would of course show interest in her while going to town on my sex stick. Seriously what? I just crossed my own line. I feel abused.

Moving on, Jennifer is currently filming her latest movie with Owen Wilson and was just on the season finale of "Oprah's Big Rack" on Sunday night. While on the finale, Jennifer Aniston gave $30,000 of her own money to the contestants who didn't win. Wow! That's like $210,000! Wait, didn't she get $1.5 million per episode of 'Friends?' Cheapo. And before you start yelling at me for "what did I give to charity" I actually have donated. I gave $5.25 to a homeless guy just over the weekend. Well....it wasn't so much a homeless guy as it was a lady....and she worked at Dunkin Donuts....and she gave me an iced coffee and bagel in exchange for the $5.25. But same thing, regardless.

Bindi Irwin Beckham?

Bindi Irwin, that little Australian bitch, is looking a little too much like the son of David and Poshtoria Beckham, Romeo. David Beckham and his bratastic kids were court side at the Lakers game at the Staples Center in LA recently and I immediately thought David was in a hardcore sexual love triangle with his wife and Bindi, but then realized it was just his son. Phew! Then this got me to thinking, maybe it really is Bindi with him sporting a buzz-cut....you know, kinda like how Michael Jackson and Janet Jackson are the same person? Now you're with me.

Anyway, keep hugging that koala bear, Bindi, and uh nice touch with wearing the crown of thorns on your head just like my Jesus had to do over 2,000 years ago. I'm sure He'll be impressed by your mocking of Him. I hear Jesus likes that. Have fun in hell for that one, Bindi!

Mary Carey Misplaced Her Wagon

Mary Carey fell off the whore wagon. Let me finish....doctor. This is the first time I caught that little minx off the whore wagon, but apparently she's fallen off before. Who cares? Drinking makes you cool, more fun, funnier, more interesting, prettier, more confident, happier, a better dancer, a better joke teller, more confident, smarter, make better decisions, take better chances, etc, etc. The list goes on, really. Anyway, to no surprise I love VH1's Celebrity Rehab and porn, so mixing together a porn start and a reality show and you've got me hooked for at least 1-hr.

Mary Carey was photographed outside the Hard Rock Cafe in Vegas and then captured inside downing a Corona. Ole! When Mary had been asked about her sobriety after Celebrity Rehab, she claims she does have a glass or two of wine, but that's about it. Well, once a lying whore for money, always a lying whore for money. Mary Carey is clearly drinking a Corona. That's not beer. Don't lie about it. Geesh.

Source It Up!

Jessica Goes to Town on Jokey Smurf

Did you ever wonder what it was like to have sex with a Smurf? Did you ever wonder what the end result looked like? Well wonder no longer because apparently Jessica Simpson just finished doing sexing with a Smurf (the can she's holding is Smurf protection). Luckily, she chose Jokey Smurf to molest and, well, Jokey is a good stand up kind of a guy so he deserves a little Jessica loving. In my mind, I'm Jokey Smurf but that's a whole different story.

Anysmurf, Jessica Simpson licked the cake off of her boyfriend's, Tony Romo's, face at his 40th birthday. What, I don't care. He plays for the Cowboys and gets to have sex with Jessica Simpson...he's 40 in my eyes.

How Do I Sing With No Vocal Cords

Tell me how am I supposed to breathe with no air. Tell me how am I supposed to sing with no vocal cords. Enough of the questions, Jordin Sparks! See what can happen!? Jordin Sparks, American Idol winner for 2007, has been struck down with a career-threatening throat injury. Supposedly it's so bad that she's had to cancel three of her shows. Only 3? You'd figure "career-threatening" would cancel at least 5 shows.

A rep at her first concert stop has said, "Because of the risk of permanent vocal cord damage, Sparks has been ordered to strict vocal rest and will not be able to perform anywhere until her condition improves."

In an ironic twist, Paula Abdul's vocal cords are fine and she can continue to sing. Life is sometimes so unfair.

Source It Up!

...In Other News...

If Fergie is pregnant, she's carrying the baby in her boobs. In other news...

~ Gratuitous Insincere Tom Cruise Photo Opp ~ AgentBedHead
~ More Jennifer Aniston in a Bikini ~ DSF
~ Eva Mendes Shows Her Man Hands ~ CS
~ Heidi Montard is a Role Model, Really ~ PopBytes
~ Miley Cyrus Gets Skankeriffic! ~ POTP
~ Hey There, Susan Sarandon's Kid! ~ FatBack
~ Your Daily CNN Pervert ~ Yeeeah
~ Tom and Katie: Sunglasses Douche ~ Ayyyy
~ More Entertainment News ~ WeSmirch
~ Rihanna Highlighted Crotchy ~ CityRag

Yay! Lindsay is Fun Again!!

It's about time! I can only take so much of Lindsay and her sober peace signs she flashes the paparazzi day after day. Well Lindsay isn't so boring anymore according to People Magazine! Lindsay No Pants was in NYC with her freckles in support of her friend, sexy as all get out DJ Samantha Rosen, as she "spun" at the biggest tourist trap in NYC - the Hawaain Tropic Zone.

Lindsay arrived at midnight, got a table right behind where Samantha Rosen was spinning and directly downwind from her dirtball stench. Moments later Linds was spotted drinking Red Bull and Vodka's. Yay! The wagon is gone! Lindsay latter danced to such trash-bag songs as Gimme More and 4 Minutes to Save the World to which it's reported that Lindsay tossed her head around and did full body rolls, whatever in the hell that may be.

Things are looking up for Lindsay and by Lindsay I really mean "me" as when Lindsay falls off the wagon you always see more exposure for Dina, which is always a good thing. Trash is back!

Britney Spears to Go Back to That Show Where No One Wants Her Back

Rumor has it that Britney Spears will be returning to the set of How I Met Your Mother to film one more episode since her first appearance went so well, had the ratings sky-rocket, and inform the youth of America that CBS actually does exist. People's drunken source has said, "The show is ecstatic and so is Britney. She had so much fun the first time around she really wanted to come back. It was a mutual decision to work together more."

Uh, sure. I'm sure everyone is psyched. Didn't Doogie Howser just publicly come out about a week ago and say how no one wanted or needed her to come back to the show for a castings stunt? That won't be awkward now or anything I'm sure.

Anyway, these craptastic photos above are from Britney this weekend doing a little shopping at Sherman Oaks in San Fernando Valley. It's nice to see Britney slimming down whilst still maintaining her ratty weave. That ratty weave symbolizes holding on to "the crazy" by the roots. See? You can learn while reading IBBB. You're welcome.

Source It Up!

Gossip Girl is Still On?

So, er, uh Gossip Girl is still on huh? I never made it past the pilot episode. I was literally forced to watch it once and was kicking and screaming like a tweaked out homeless person being dragged out of the nacho aisle of a 7-11 on the 4th of July. It's terrible, no? Who wants to watch some anonymous blogger talk about stupid crap each week? Bloggers are losers. Oh wait. Yeah, I am. Anyway, here's the whole gang on the cover of New York Magazine that is very reminiscent of the way that Friends used to do their covers, along with the same way the crack-pot cast of 90210 used to do theirs and Melrose Place used to do theirs. Basically, the put everyone in white and then make them take their socks off and lay down on a white bed sheet. I've actually made it a rule to not watch a show that has the cast do something like this...and I think I've been dead on every day.

So I guess Gossip Girls premieres tonight. Do shows usually start their season at the end of April? Does anyone watch this show? If so, please explain.

Hayden Panettiere as Dumb as Hilton

I love when people rally around Paris Hilton in support of the "marketing genius" she is. Hayden Panettiere has recently been interviewed and asked about Paris Hilton, since they have been friends for the last couple of years now, which makes sense since Hayden is 19 and Paris is 27. Hayden says that Paris is much more level-headed then the dumb "character" she has to play everyday. She said, "She's a nice girl and a lot brighter then people give her credit for but no one sees her like that because she plays this character all the time. She's a marketing genius!"

Paris Hilton is a marketing genius as much as lottery winners are "financial experts." It kind of just happened by luck. And, if Paris was such a great "actress" by playing dumb every day how come her movies, television appearances, and other "acting gigs" suck?

Source It Up!

Look What The Olsen Dragged In!

One of the Olsen's, it doesn't matter which one, showed her support at the Proenza Schouler new line of eyewear party/show. Similar to Jan Brady, glass on an Olsen will make her look positively goofy. Anyway, Mary-Michelle-Kate-Ashley-Tanner-Gibbler-Olsen looks weak and dirty and not in the good way. Oh, and I'm pretty sure the other Olsen Slut is stuffed in that oversized bag that she appears to be dragging down the red carpet-ish.

It must be tough to be an Olsen, but by the looks of this one I assume she's using her money, literally, and folding the hundred dollar bills into an origami type brush and using that on her hair. In fact, since I'm convinced the Olsen Sluts are actually not twins and there is only one of them, I bet that's a bag of money that Mary-Michelle-Kate-Ashley-Tanner-Gibbler-Olsen is carrying around with her. I know I would. I would put all my money in two separate potato sacks that have big black dollar symbols on the front of each bag and then when people were taking my picture and asking me questions I would just respond by saying "money." Just an idea for the Olsen. It's good to change things up once in a while.

Spencer's Busy, Let IBBB Take a Message: 6

Back by popular demand is my own advice column: "Spencer's Busy, Let IBBB Take a Message" In case you need to be caught up on what this is click here to read last weeks. Anyway, thank to all of you sick bastards who wrote in a question and sorry to those of you who I didn't choose. Keep sending them and I'll keep printing them out and shredding them! Here we go....

Dear IBBB:

Being a long time devoted fan of your blog and since I know no one else with your vast knowledge of all things worldly, you are possibly the only person who can help me with this question. Last night my husband, son and I went to dinner. A lady (and I use the term loosely - think Shelia from BB9 after a 6 pack a day habit) seated a table over from us proceeded to tell her group of "friends" about how she had walked in on her brother watching a XXX porno about a girl having sex with men dressed up as animals and then she went on to tell them in pretty clear detail what was happening in the video. I wasn't quite sure if I was repulsed or curious. Given my son was sitting at the table with me also listening to this lesson in zoophilia (if you don't know...look it up) I'm not sure what to do so I just sat there and did or said nothing. Should this happen to me again what should I do differently?

Debil Dog

Dearest Debil Dog,

Sounds like you guys were having dinner at Burger King because a conversation like that would never take place at an establishment like McDonald's. Therefore, I blame "The King." Regardless, this question you bring up is one that philosophers have been battling with for centuries. My advice to you is the next time this happens you, your husband, and your son must each start yelling out the following words repeatedly and one after another: whore, pervert, skank. There is no need to stand up and shout these words, just keep looking at your menu and yell out these catchy phrases. I'm sure she'll get the message loud and clear. If needed, feel free to shout out that you've had sexual intercourse with Mickey Mouse and it was less than exciting.

Warm Regards,

IBBB

Dear IBBB,

With the nice weather starting to arrive I feel like I should start going to the gym. Is this something you would recommend?

Shannon

Hello there Shannon,

My first reaction is that, NO, you should not go to the gym. That place has some heavy shit and if you're at the gym how are you supposed to watch TV? However, I then started to change my mind when I wondered if you had some sort of weight problem because if that's the case you should hit the gym because people aren't going to want to look at you. Just sayin. Now don't go all crazy and start shoving your tooth brush down your throat. Perhaps just eat a bit healthier and run a bit. I'll give you the same advice that Aunt Becky gave to DJ when she was trying to lose a ton of weight for Kathy Santone's pool party. You could start eating some nice chicken or fish with veggies and salad. See? It worked for DJ and only took her about 15 yrs to drop 10 pounds. It's a marathon, not a sprint. When all else fails, go green! Hope that helps.

Signed,

IBBB and Jenny Craig

***Need advice from IBBB? Email me: ImBringingBloggingBack at Yahoo.com. Maybe I'll add your question to this site. Maybe I won't. At the end of the day, who really cares.***

Click Here to Read Past Advice
Click Here to Become MYSPACE Friends With IBBB. What a Treat!

Breaking "The Hills" News! Shock & Horror!

Exclusive IBBB Photo from NYC

IBBB on MYSPACE

The Hills Recaps

Perez's sources are like VISA, they're everywhere. My sources are like Diners Club....not really anywhere, but once in a while you find a place that accepts Diners Club. Make sense? Me either. Anyway, my super secret "The Hills" spy has spied me some craptastic Hills info on good old Spencer (Steve Sanders) and Heidi. While none of this should be a surprise for anyone to hear here's what went down at a pseudo lunch with Heidi and Spencer while they were in NYC this week. Below is the play by play, but to quickly sum up: The Hills is staged, Spencer never dated Audrina (it was staged), Brody has never dated Lauren, Spencer tried to convince Stephanie to not do the show, there really is a sex tape, Heidi is basically signed on to be in The Hills forever, Lauren's mom is psycho, the Higher music video was a total FU to the song writer, and Heidi gave away her dog. I'm sure you'll be hearing more about all this in the next few weeks, but you read it here first. Here's the details....

• Spencer discussed how while The Hills is a reality show, but it's staged and he used "reality show" in air quotes.
• Good old Spencer also talked about how he never dated Audrina, as the show made it seem. They met twice for about 5 minutes and filmed the "date scene" to create the drama.
• Brody and Lauren have never dated and Brody basically used Lauren for the show. Remember when Brody wasn't on the show for a little while and then reappeared again out of the blue? Yeah, well that's because Brody was supposed to be getting his own show at the time so he peaced out. When that fell through, he came back and started "dating" Lauren again.
• According to Spencer there is 100% a sex tape. Da-da-duuuuun. Lauren can't seem to escape this.
• Lauren is just using Spencer's sister, Stephanie (Sandy Sanders) as a way to get back at both Heidi and Spencer. Speaking of Stephanie, Spencer actually tried to convince her not to do the show, but she thought the producers were so nice to her that she wanted to do it. Spencer said, "uh yeah just wait."
• Stephanie is, in fact, 1-year sober.
• Heidi was asked if she knows that she is always portrayed as the villain why doesn't she just leave the show. Apparently when Heidi signed onto The Hills, Lauren's dad reviewed the contract and she is signed on for like 10 years.....or world implosion, whichever happen first.
• According to these two crazy cats, Lauren's mom is whacked out and spends all day visiting message boards and Hills websites leaving comments about how awesome Lauren is and how much Heidi and Spencer suck. Supposedly Lauren's sister does this as well. Heidi replied that her own mom works all day so doesn't have time to leave messages about Heidi on fan sites.
• What's the deal with the song "Higher" and the video? Here's the deal. Heidi and Spencer hired some dude to write "Higher" and they didn't really love it, but wanted him to write a few more and didn't want to use Higher. The dude got pissed at them and then leaked the song. They asked him to write another song for Heidi and he basically blackmailed them saying that if they don't shoot a video for it he wouldn't write another song. Heidi and Spencer paid this dude a ton of money so they said F it and shot the video for Higher without putting a dime into it as a big F-U. Spencer said that he was on the beach holding a camera in one hand, a boom box in the other hand and he's yelling for Heidi to roll around on the sand. They laughed because it wasn't supposed to be serious, but ended up being the most viewed video on Yahoo ever and #6 on iTunes.
• Finally, Heidi talked about how she actually ended up giving her dog away that she had in the first season of The Hills. Mystery solved!

So in summary, no huge surprises here, but it's interesting to actually hear this confirmed from the horses mouth...and Spencer's too.

IBBB on MYSPACE
The Hills Recaps

This Time Last Year: J Wahl

Happy Friday and welcome back to everyones favorite lazy segment called "This Time Last Year." This Time Last Year will take a brief look at what was going on in the celebrity world...this time last year (go figure). Oh, and also I'm lazy so this is pretty easy to do on a Friday. Here's what was going on with Jason Wahler and his gun this time last year...

Even though "The Hills" is on a break until Season 3 starts up at some point in the summer, it's like every week there is a new "The Hills" story to choose from. This one is great. Apparently, Jason Wahler and some buddies were drinking vodka and playing a friendly little game of Russian Roulette. In regards to regular roulette I typically put my money on Red 9, but I guess this game is a little different and involves a gun. According to US Weekly who received these photos, Jason and some buddies were trashed in Hollywood one night last summer and everyone ended up playing around with a gun. Yeah, that's safe. I'd assume that Jason wanted to take a dirt nap after realizing that he dated Jessica from Laguna Beach, but maybe he has deeper troubles than that....even though that would be enough to make anyone play "kiss the gun." It's good to see Jason's been doing well. He's about two drinks away from "Trimspa, baby!

...In Other News...

Because walking on a treadmill any other way is just stupid. In other news...

~ Hayden in Nut Huggers ~ DSF
~ Vince Vaugh the Flasher ~ AgentBedHead
~ Lindsay and Samantha Shacking Up? ~ POTP
~ Deadly Hollywood Diets ~ PopBytes
~ I Love Mila Kunis ~ NinjaDude
~ Barbara Walters and Jenna Jameson ~ CS
~ Everybody Hates Mariah ~ Yeeeah
~ Get Your Olsen Headband Today! ~ Ayyyy
~ More News ~ WeSmirch
~ White Trashy Lee Cook is Engaged ~ DListed

America's Next Top Model: Thumb a Ride Abroad!

J-J-Jenny is back to recap the crap out of America's....Next....Top.....Model. Here's what she brilliant stated went down on last nights crapisode:

• I may be showing my age here...but Stacey sounds like that chick that was in Kate's fashion class on Double Trouble..."It's like my mama always used to say....."
• Hot damn, Fatima is screwed. She doesn't have a Visa and can't leave the country....Umm, hello?? Where the hell have you been Fatima? For the past NINE seasons the girls have been venturing overseas. What did you think was going to happen here, you would all head the fashion capital of Boise, ID? Sorry Tennessee.
• Mean-a Paulina is going to show the girls how to interview people. She pretends to be a person of interest, and the girls have to engage her. This is painful to watch. I hate it. Next.
• Lauren borderline chops her thumb off making potato pancakes. She better pray that this week's photo shoot isn't channeling her inner Fonzi. But with Tyra behind the wheel, this is highly likely. Ayyyyyyyyy............
• Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Tyra has sent the girls a box of lemons and limes. Ok.
• The models have to work the red carpet for fashion designer Jay Godfrey. Stacey is asked "Does Tyra intimidate you?" by the interviewer. Stacey says, "No." Liar. Tyra intimidates everyone. Everyone. Tyra is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
• Dominique says she is wearing Jay GIORGIO. Tyra is going to give her the switch when she finds out about this one.Anya wins the competition and appears in a photo shoot naked with lemons, limes and Sprite. I bet Tyra is pissed she didn't think of this first. Sweet, Anya gets $10,000 too! Can I have it?
• The girls think they are going to the airport to jet to a foreign country. They pack their bags like they are fleeing for their lives. HOWEVER, the jokes on you fools...you're just doing a photo shoot at the airport!
• Fatima gets her travel documents! Phew...I thought they were going to make her find her way abroad via inner-tube. In which case she better hope she doesn't run into Janet Reno.
• After the photo shoot, they head into the hangar, and who is there, but Tyra and the judges. Dun-Dun-Dunnnnnnnnn........Tyra states that Fatima is missing, and states that Fatima is not dressed up like the other girls, and has not participated in the photo shoot. Thanks captain obvious.
• Now, we all know that Tyra tells us "modeling is acting like a ho and making it fashion." This week we learn that modeling is "I'm all that, and you're not." What grade is Tyra in? Moments later, Tyra teaches Lauren how to chop onions by bending her fingers. Is there anything Tyra can't do?
• Tyra knocks Whitney down a notch by saying she is too much like a pageant girl. Tyra mocks "I wanna save the world! And The Iraq!" Seriously, The Iraq?
• Tyra says she is surprised by how well Anya did at the challenge, mingling and chatting with the others...Tyra thought people would say, "That's such a weird accent!" Way to discriminate. At least she doesn't call it The Iraq.
• Stacey doesn't get to board the plane and head "overseas" to Rome, Italy. Maybe she can borrow Lauren's big bandaged thumb and hitch a ride home. Eh, don't be sad Stacey, international travel is dangerous anyway. Most countries hate Americans. Especially The Iraq.

Heidi Montag's Butt Implants

I wish, I wish I could turn away from the crazy-train that is "The Hills" but I can't. It's a disease, like syphilis but makes you a little more crazy...and itchy. Anyway, according to E-Online Heidi Montag is considering have butt implants (or ass implants as the kids are calling it). According to these guys, Heidi told them that she's been going to the gym and can't really add any inches to her pancake-like flat ass, so she may just go ahead and go under the knife for a butt implant. Great! I say don't stop with the plastic surgery until you can technically melt whilst laying out at the beach.

I was chatting with a friend today about Heidi and told my friend I was convinced that Heidi has actually be replaced by her mom's horse at Crested Butte. Notice how you no longer see the horse on The Hills, but you constantly see Heidi all around town and looking a little different? Clearly, she is the horse in disguise. It's simple math. Here are some other "implants" that I'd like Heidi to get:

• Good singing vocal chord implants
• Personality implants
• Seagull-scaring-flailing-arm implants
• Friend implants
• And a boombox implant for Spencer

Jake Gyllenhaal Needs Harriet Carter

I always assumed Jake Gyllenhaal was kind of an ass based strictly on pictures of him. How else are you supposed to judge someone? Little did I know that Jake would bring two of my favorite things together: The Boston Red Sox and Harriet Carter products. Jake is such a busy guy that even while he's in a rush to get to the set of his new movie, Nailed, in South Carolina he won't let the rain slow him down thanks to his "umbrella bitch!"

Now I'm not trying to put the "umbrella bitch" out of work, but if only Jake had read IBBB he would have known that the Harriet Carter catalog sells umbrellas that simply attach to your shoulder so they you can have two free hands to do such important tasks such as holding your coffee, beating your kids, flicking off the paparazzi, and keeping your fingers crossed that the Red Sox make it to the World Series again this year.

This is just reason #4,632 why more celebrities should be reading ImBringingBloggingBack. It's a site that makes your life easier, breezier, and trashier.

Source It Up!

Hey There Polygamy Sect Throwbacks!

Well hello there my little Texan Polygamy Sect Throwbacks! And how the hell are y'all? Can I take a second to say how infatuated I am by these chicks? First off, they all look like they're in an Alice Brady look-alike contest and I'm pretty sure they robbed Helen Keller's grave and then replicated those dresses. They kinda look like colorful hospital sheets. I bet they're wearing pants under those dresses and I bet that they stink down there. Actually, I bet they stink everywhere. Wait a minute, maybe they're in a play. Is that was this is? A play? I only saw a quick clip on the news, maybe it's an ad for a new Broadway play and they'll sing and dance and lift up those dresses and there will be those white ruffle pants underneath. Shake those maracas! Anyway, these chicks rule. For some reason, some of them even have like British accents. Did some of these woman hop on the good old boat bound for America only to get held captive in a Texas log-mansion? Tough break. I was so psyched when I heard that these women allowed cameras onto the compound because now I'm praying to my sweet Jesus that this is somehow made into a reality show. It's like The Hills, only Texas-style and with a side of incest and rape (similar to Spencer and Stephanie Pratt).

Now are there TVs at the Texas log-mansion? Magazines? Do they know that even K-Mart sells something a little more stylish then what they're wearing? Perhaps something by the Kathy Lee Gifford clothing line? Anyway, I've just wanted to say a few things about them and hope that we continue to see more and more of them. Oh, and this is the demographic that I'm pretty sure voted Bush in for a 2nd term. Take a look, rest of America!

Jennie Garth, 90210, and a Dream!

Just when Jennie Garth was finally ready to be off the CW and a show that I'm pretty sure only aired on Sunday's at 6:30 pm she just backed out of her new CBS sitcom to possibly go back to the CW for 90210 Part II: Return to the Walsh's Electric Boogaloo (that's what I would call it).

Jennie Garth was set to start shooting her new sitcom pilot called "My Best Friend's Girl." She made it as far as the "table read" and then peaced the F out of there. Hopefully she is running into the arms of Donna Martin. Another reason could be that Jerry O'Connell was also to star in the CBS pilot. Sounds great! I can't wait for my Tivo to think that I would want to watch it and then tape it for me. Useless futuristic VCR!

Anyway, I really hope that Jennie Garth goes for the 90210 spinoff because I'm a loser and losers wish for stuff like that. I also hope that Jennie changes her name legally to Kelly Taylor. I hope Donna is there and Steve Sanders (the original) and I hope that Andrea Zuckerman is there even though she has that crazy disorder now where she shakes and shit. Basically I would please like for it to be 1992 again. Hopefully my time machine will allow that to happen.

Who Claims This!?

2 Minute Recaps: Meatloaf Maaaaa!

Back by popular demand is "2 Minute Recaps." A spinoff of "Harriet Carter Wednesday," watch my favorite Harriet Carter model, Rachel Platt, host this online cooking show like a champ. If you're new to this, check out the explainer by clicking here. Now that we're all settled, here's my craptastic recap of this weeks episode of Rachel and Will making "Turkey Meatloaf." It's like you barely even have to see a second of the video to know that Rachel and Will will be wearing purple and green or that Rachel will ask "how do you know when it's done?" Let's go!

• We may be up to episode 17, but that doesn't mean that this crew has learned to yell "cut" yet. Right off the bat within the first 1 second you can hear some lady in the background yelling "3....2.....1." If I were Rachel I would have thrown my wine glass at her for messing me up by counting whilst I am preparing for my hosting duties. Luckily Rach is a pro and performs magically.
• Now I may not be a chef but can you technically say that ground turkey in the past was like cardboard? Isn't bad pizza like cardboard? Perhaps Rachael was all drugged up and thought she was eating a turkey burger, but was actually eating a pizza box. Just a thought. However, thanks for the dramatics Rach. It's like I'm watching Lost!
• How come Chef Will's cooking strategies always include "using strong flavors." Isn't that the point? Who wants flavorless turkey meatloaf? I bet Rach's idea of strong flavors is farting into the pan. I assume only.
• Why is the ground turkey looking like paste? Is there such thing as turkey paste? Nasty. Now I'm convinced more than ever that Rachel did poo-poo-pants in that bowl. Minx!
• Oh Jesus with the questions! Yes it has to be that kind of apple, Rachel! No, toss in a caramel candy apple. Toss the stick in too! It'll all cook.
• How come when Chef Will says "add the heavy cream" he looks right at Rachel. More sexual tension? It's like watching Ross and Rachel from "Friends" except (1) I couldn't care less about these two and (2) it's not like watching Ross and Rachel from Friends at all.
• I'm pretty sure that Rachel is a serial killer. She shows the signs of it. When Will is mixing up the raw turkey with his hands Rachey looks into the bowl and shouts "looks awesome!" Yay! Dead turkey carcass. Yum!
• Did Chef Will just call himself cute? Are they allowed to ad-lib like that? Next episode you know Rach-dog is going to refer to herself as a sexy bitch.
• Ok and cue the sexual innuendos: Chef Will tells Rach she has a burn proof mouth and then Rachel opens up her mouth and says "I don't even wait!" She doesn't wait. You can tell. Rach definitely enjoys having some hot meat in her mouth. Hopefully when she swallows it won't burn. She totally swallows. What a pro!

...In Other News...

What in the hell goes on during a Carrie Underpants video shoot and why the hell is Large Marge there? In other news...

~ Jodie Marsh Without Makeup = Different Person ~ ABH
~ Who Wants to Own Suri Cruise? ~ PopBytes
~ Lauren Conrad Gets Sassed ~ POTP
~ Danity Kane Ghost Boobs ~ DSF
~ Katie Holmes on the Lamb? ~ Yeeeah
~ Celebrity Before and After of the Day ~ Ayyyy
~ Jenna Jameson Turned Orange, then Yellow ~ CS
~ Shots and Tots...Brilliant! ~ FatBack
~ Entertainment Updates ~ WeSmirch
~ John Mayer Tat Crazy ~ CityRag

Harriet Carter: The One With the Repeat

Click Here for Previous Harriet Carter Product Reviews!

Harriet Carter Wednesday: The One With the Repeat! Hey, even I need a break every once in a while...or is it once "and" a while? See if I had more time to think I'd probably be able to figure it out. Here's a little Harriet blast from the past......

Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday you trash-bags! With the recent extra popularity of my ridiculous The Hills recaps, there have been more newbies visiting IBBB for the first time and have been exposed to Harriet Carter for the first time too. I heart when Harriet exposes herself. So to all you new IBBB fans (Johnny-Come-Lately's) enjoy all the crap that Harriet is trying to sell to us this week. From a little bratty bitch, to a high-tech security system, to moon sand, and finally a way to make us even lazier...Harriet has us covered. Let's go....

Product # 1 - You wanna fight with your little brother all the time you little bitch? Good, well then you know where little bitches eat dinner? In the living room all by themselves. Bratty little bitches don't eat "good person" dinner either. You know what little skanky pain-in-the-ass bitches eat for dinner? Yup, you guessed it. They eat popcorn and they drink juice, apparently out of a bag. You may think this is a reward you troublemaker, but we'll get the last laugh. You'll rot out your little bitchy teeth and then will be left toothless. So...still wanna fight with your brother? Oh, you do? Well then good. Be a big bitch in the living room. Alone. And good luck with the monsters that live under the couch. Yes, I know I told you they didn't exist, but they do. And you know what monsters like? Correct! Little bitchy douche-bag pain in the ass troublemakers who eat popcorn and drink juice out of a bag. P.S. You're adopted and your mother used to be a man. Best wishes in therapy.

Product # 2 - Have you been burglarized by cartoon characters? Well if so, now Harriet Carter has found the BEST place for you to hide your valuable possessions where no burglar would ever think to look...in an oversized plastic book that says "ATLAS" on it. Seriously, who even owns an Atlas anymore? Now make sure you place that Atlas in between your other 1955 encyclopedia's because no burglar will ever think to look there. Wow, and look what valuable possessions they're hiding in that Atlas. Hmmm, let's see. Looks like they're hiding a couple of $20.00 bills, some gold costume jewelry, and a stick in a bag. Yeah, don't let the burglars find that pot of gold you have hiding up on the shelf! As soon as I get Harriet Carters home address I'm taking a trip and I'm finding that Atlas.

Product # 3 - Enjoy confusing the piss out of your kids? Harriet too! She's now selling some "moon sand." Wow, what a real hoot. Hmm, is the moon really red and blue? That's confusing. It actually looks like what Papa Smurf would look like if he were cremated. Oh God forbid. Papa Smurf will live forever. I have no idea what the point of this crap is and I don't care to learn. All I know is that will today's massive drug epidemic the last thing I'm gonna want to have my kids play with is anything that's a powdery substance. Just Say No to Harriet!

Product # 4 - Hi Carol! Hi Bob! How are you guys? Lazy I bet! And fat too? Probably. Playing cards I see. Fun! What's the matter with your hands? Why are you so lazy that you can't even hold your cards? Funny, your hands are strong enough to cut hundreds of coupons a day and dig through your pocket so that you can pay for all your groceries in loose change. Interesting. Hey Carol. Hey Bill. Bill! I'm over here. Look, unless you have a hook as a hand be a man and hold your own playing cards or don't play at all. What? I'm just trying to help. Bill, I don't want you looking like a big girl in front of Carol. I mean, you're kind of already crapping your pants in front of her. Hasn't Carol suffered enough? Carol, I changed my mind. You can use the card holder. You've suffered enough getting slapped around by Bill during your marriage in the 50's. You remember? During Bill's "drinking days." Ahhh that's right. It's all coming back to you now. Thanks Harriet for bringing Bill and Carol back together. Gin!

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I Wanna See Britney's Diary Videos!

I'm hoping my vigorous letter writing campaign to Santa is finally going to pay off! ShowBizSpy is claiming that Britney Spears has some video diaries that she's planning on releasing that will show all of her crazy times over the past 6-months. Wait, are they sure she didn't say "video diarrhea?" Sometimes when she switches from her British accent to the terrible southern twang you can barely understand her and I wouldn't put it past her to film herself doing poopy plop-pants in the toilet.

As the rumor goes, Britney will release the gems on the Interwebs or to MTV. Supposedly Brit goes to town on her mom, dad, trash-bag sister, friends, Justin Timberlake, and Christina Aguierjkenakdnaslkjakdjlera. I mean, I'm sure none of this is even close to true, but if it were I would dedicate my life to recapping episodes of Britney's diary.

Britney is photographed above leaving a Burbank, CA music studio with her former manger Larry Rudolph. Who cares, let's see those video diaries and even some video diarrhea if you're up for it!

...In Other News...

This is the Olsen Sluts.....right? In other news...

~ Snoop Dog Fits Right In ~ AgentBedHead
~ A Kristen Bell Sex Scene ~ DSF
~ Rob Lowe is a Penis Flasher? ~ CS
~ Lala's Husband Gets the Old DUI ~ NinjaDude
~ J Lo is Back With a New Face? ~ PopBytes
~ Ashlee Simpson With and/or Without Child ~ FatBack
~ Buy Paris Hilton Muppet Hair Today! ~ Yeeeah
~ Paula Abdul to Play Spiderman ~ Ayyyy
~ Even More News! ~ WeSmirch
~ Jennifer Aniston is Nursery Ready? ~ POTP
~ Celebrity Plastic Surgery ~ CityRag

The Hills: Girls Night Out and Relationship Vacation!

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Finally, The Hills is back to a 30 minute crapisode. The hour-long double crapisode was too much to handle, especially when the second crapisode was usually all about Whitney. Anyway, this week we get to see if Lauren can land a job at The Pubic Revolution, if Heidi and Audrina can be friends and share the cue-cards, how many more cliches Steve Sanders and Sandy Sanders can share as wild and crazy head-butting roommates, if Whitney stands with her mouth ajar for the full episode or just half, and much much less. Here's what went down on this episode, "Girls Night Out" of The Hills. Proceed:

• Oh snap! Heidi wastes no time visiting Audrina at "work." Wow they've even hired a "receptionist" to sit behind the desk and pretend that Audrina really works there. She did great, by the way, letting Heidi know that Audrina was "just through those doors in the conference room on the first floor." Buzz words! Buzz words! Buzz words!
• Are you kidding me with this crap? Heidi and Audrina are having lunch in Audrina's "work cafeteria." For some reason Heidi is dressed like Sandy from the movie Grease (at the end). Props to Audrina for walking and talking whilst holding a tray. I didn't think she had it in her!
• Does anyone actually work there? That place is like a ghost town.
• Heidi is on her tirade about having a god-for-saken "girls night out." Why do I feel like we're going to be hearing the term "girls night out" 65,000 times during this episode. By the way when she asks Audrina if she wants to go for a "girls night out" I think Audrina is searching for her script.
• Words I Don't Ever Want to Hear Kelly CUNTrone Saying Ever Again: "You look so cute in that lingerie." She looks like a perverted nun, but less pretty and less mean.
• When Kelly CUNTrone tells Lauren and Whitney that they're so slow, check out Lauren looking right at the camera and who I assume are the producers standing by. I'm pretty sure she's about to throw Whitney under the bus. I must admit, I do not believe that Kelly CUNTrone is reading any scripted lines. I actually think she is real, which is scary and comforting all at the same time. She's easy, breezy, and beautiful.
• Steve Sanders and Sandy Sanders are arguing over a sandwich. Steve Sanders looks like he's about to lose his shit and take it out on his turkey sandwich when Sandy Sanders leaves to meet up with Heidi and crew.
• The girls head out for "girls night out" at S Bar and Steve Sanders and his friend, Kevin, show up. Uh, yeah I'm pretty sure Kevin is not his friend. I'm pretty sure he was cast to be friends with him just for that scene.
• Steve Sanders is talking with some girls at the bar, which consists of him first asking how old they are (way to be safe, Steve) and then in turn the girls make fun of him for sipping his shot. I like them already. Seriously, what dudes sip shots? Actually what girls sip shots? It's a shot, not a pint for a dwarf.
• Heidi flips the F out when she sees that Steve Sanders and those girls are taking shots. She just keeps repeating "they're taking shots, they're taking shots" like a parrot with turrets. Seriously, they are taking shots Heidi. It's not like she caught Steve Sanders putting his penis in the girls ear or shot glass or something. Relax. When you freak out like that your newscaster hair gets all stringy and crazy.
• Why is Heidi recapping The Hills episode of what just happened with Steve Sanders at the bar? And why does she keep saying, "Oh you're all like 'ha, ha, ha' with those girls. What would you have been doing if I wasn't here?" I know, the horror! If Heidi wasn't there he probably would have said, "ha" one additional time besides the 3-times he said it when Heidi was there. Seriously everyone kill yourself. Me included. Hunt me down and shoot me. Really.
• Hahaha Heidi tells Steve Sanders that she's not going to be rude when guys try to talk to her the next time. Really Heidi? I'd be careful when you say stuff like that because your nose will grow back. I mean the part about guys actually coming up to talk to her. Who are these guys and can everyone else see them too or just Heidi?
• Heidi continues her rant, which is now becoming my favorite part of the crapisode, by saying that if guys come up to talk to her she tells them "please don't talk to me." Wow. How she's got one guy to ever want to marry her is a miracle in itself. She really is a prize.
• Holy Hell! Holy Hell! Stop the Tivo. I repeat, stop the Tivo. What in the F is up with the girls faces that were talking to Steve Sanders? Are they wearing white masks? I'm not kidding. And did they really just make standard "mean face" at Heidi while walking into the bathroom? It's like the producers told them to look angry and these two gems really pulled through. Although it didn't look as much like she was angry as it did her taking a dump directly in her pants before she made it to the bathroom. Trust me, I know that look. I've given that look. I've crapped my pants many times, many times.
• Audrina lives in constant fear of Lauren. She's shaking while folding her laundry and telling Lauren about hanging out with Heidi the night before. Lauren is such a good friend to Audrina that she basically tells her that Heidi is only hanging out with her to get back at her for Lauren hanging out with Sandy Sanders. You're both wrong! Lauren, you're hanging out with Sandy Sanders and Audrina, you're hanging out with Heidi because there needed to be a Season 3: Part II of The Hills. Without all this, we'd be watching Whitney working at The Pubic Revolution for 22 minutes a week and no one needs that.
• Can I just say that I love the term: relationship vacation. Awesome. When do I get a "Hills Vacation?"
• Uh, Kelly CUNTrone just gave Whitney a microphone so why is Whitney yelling out loud for everyone to head out to the runway? Couldn't she just have used the microphone...you know, the one she's holding?
• Ok there's about a 20 minute conversation about the color red and the color purple for the fashion show. I lapse into a coma.
• Meanwhile, back at Bolthouse Heidi is burning the midnight oil and she and Kimberly are having a high-power business meeting which consists of Kimberly saying, "I'm going to move this to here and that to there and move that cabana." Heidi says, "alright" and they immediately start talking about Heidi's miserable night out. Meeting adjourned girls! You both, clearly, brainstormed some great ideas and made some important business decisions so you definitely deserve to change the subject and bring things back to where they belong, which is back to Heidi....as always. Also, nice bangs douche-bag.
• GOD STOP SAYING "GIRLS NIGHT OUT!" I can't take it.
• Seriously are they kidding us with this crap which is Heidi's office? There is nothing on her desk. No joke, nothing. No paper, no pens, no folders, nothing. And I'm pretty sure her mouse and that bottle of water were in those same exact spots as last week.
• Wow The Pubic Revolution is star studded! Kirstie Alley is in the front row. How did they ever get her? Oh, and shouldn't she be at home calling Jenny again? Wow!
• In the end Lauren surprisingly gets hired on the spot. What a surprise.
• Steve Sanders and Heidi are fighting in his car about being on "relationship vacation." I shit you not, this is actually being discussed. Why is no one cracking a smile when they say "relationship vacation?" Dude Heidi is way crazier that I ever thought. She really is pissed that Steve Sanders had a shot with those girls with the white masks. How long will relationship vacation last? I hope a little longer.....just long enough for them to use the term "relationship vacation" a few more times.

Next week on The Hills: Justin Bobby is back! Finally! The world is a better place with a little Justin Bobby in it. And that can mean just one thing: Audrina may be wearing a helmet again which definitely makes my world a better place.

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In Justin Bobby Haircut News...

If Audrina is going to smile big, her teeth are going to act like a lighthouse to the paprazzi whilst trying to hide. I said about 2-months ago that Justin Bobby looks like he got a haircut and I legit got hate mail because of that. That's no a joke. I mean, it technically makes both of us losers, but still. Everyone was all "Noooo Justin Bobby's hair is just in a bun" and I was all "what's a bun?" Anyway, Audrina and JBob were roaming the streets like a couple of homeless gypsies - Audrina with her shiny chicklets and Justin Bobby with his high-pants and boots.

These photos were captured by FlyNetOnline in case you couldn't tell by their name across the pictures and supposedly one of the producers Adam DiVello had this to say about Justin Bobby, "He's a changed man, pyschically and emotionally." Translation --> rehabbed.

If there are any producers, script-writers, assistants, interns, stylists, cue-card holders, etc that are associated with The Hills, please contact me and let's sit down and play "interview." Thanks!

JustinBobby.com

The Real Houswives is the Grown Up "The Hills"

I'm disappointed in myself that I wasn't watching The Real Housewives of New York City sooner and now it's too late for me to enjoy the craziness on a weekly basis. Sure my sister tried to warn me. Sure, devoted IBBB reader Debil Dog tried to warn me, but I didn't listen. Well I've learned my lesson. These Housewife chicks are not only nuts, but they're most certainly the future of Lauren Conrad and Heidi Montard. It's almost like those "Friends" episodes where they'd see where Ross, Rachel, Monica, Chandler, Joey, and Phoebe would end up 20 years from now.

Anyway, bat-shit-crazy Ramona and her housewife pal Countess Man-Voice were filming some scenes for their reality show at the Russian Tea Room recently. Oh, and I guess if you don't call the countess "Countess" she goes nuts. Basically everyone is nuts. However my favorite, by a mile, is Romona. I'm pretty sure she has turrets and she kind of moves around like that chick Jerry from "Fact's of Life." What? Just sayin. She also has "crazy eyes" like that runaway bride from a few years back (pictured in the second photo). Remember that nut bag? I love me some crazies and the fact that we are all in NYC somehow comforts me. I'll be taking Debil Dog's advice and "F those Olsen Sluts, start stalking these women!"

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Eva Longoria Officially Declared Jihad

Eva Longoria is in the middle of a stinky disaster sandwich (it exists, trust me). She may look all smiles, but when Eva was trying to enjoy the Spurs game I'm pretty sure she's in process of declaring jihad. Time to elevate that wacky color coded alert system to red! Eva was surrounded by some dude to the left of her and the guy that played Punjab to the right of her. I bet that area smelled minty fresh. That wasn't offensive, right? Anyway, if someone were to declare jihad again I feel it should totally be declared by Eva and it should be sponsored by Goya or 7-Up and the letter "E." Today's jihad declaration is brought to you by Goya and the letter E! It's about time jihad got sponsored.

Britney Hijacks Son, Heads to Starbucks

Beep beep here comes the Britney Mobile! Britney was with her son, either "What's His Face" or "The Other One," and made sure that she did not get into his car without her Starbucks. I actually assume she forced her son to head up the Pacific Coast Highway and stop at the first Starbucks that had a drive thru. Although they may need a car faster then that to outwit the paparazzi...unless of course the paparazzi were riding in one of those cars too. That would be fun seeing everyone going 3 mph trying to get away from each other. Someone make that happen for me. Thanks.

Anyway you can tell in the first picture that "What's His Face" is trying to bail from the car and Britney is forced to grab the wheel...never a good sign. I'm pretty sure he's about 2 seconds away from performing a "tuck and roll." The only thing I'm not liking about this new mode of transportation for Britney is that it's too low to the ground and we'll never be able to wave hello to her "gentlemen greeter" when she tries to exit the vehicle. Oh well I guess we can only go by memory....memory and Google searches.....memory, Google searches, and files on my computer in that folder that's titled "tax documents." Good day.

Source It Up!

...In Other News...

Uh-oh! See what you started, Jamie Lynn Spears!

~ Kate Moss Almost Flashes Her Penis ~ AgentBedHead

~Ashlee Simpson "With Child" ~ NinjaDude

~ Rock of Love II Recrap! ~ FatBack

~ Ode to Britney's Accident ~ DSF

~ Winehouse Loves Ironing. Hot. ~ PopBytes

~ Hi There, Sienna Miller's Rack! ~ Yeeeah

~ Will Britney and KFed Repeat More Mistakes Together? ~ POTP

~ Another Celebrity Puzzle ~ Ayyyy

~ More Entertainment News ~ WeSmirch

~ Renee Zellweger Cursed ~ CityRag

~ Screech + Pencil Drawing = Brilliance! ~ CS

Heidi Plays "Fashion Show."

The sexy beastmaster that is Heidi Montag was all smiles (and boobs and chin) while at her very own fashion show for her new clothing line, which I refuse to name. Heidi didn't look too much like a newscaster during the fashion show, which is a positive sign for her and can only mean there are good things to come for her. I'm not sure why, I just assume. Her fake-fighting-ex-fiance-ex-live-in-boyfriend-roommate-on-again-off-again-boyfriend Spencer Pratt (aka Steve Sanders) was there to show his support and even gave her 2-dozen long stemmed pink roses. I'm pretty sure pink roses symbolize "douche-bag" but it could symbolize friendship. It's hard to tell. Either way he was there, surprisingly, without his boombox.

Heidi was asked about her relationship with Steve Sanders at the fashion show to which Heidi replied, "I mean, you know, we're up, we're down. It's just the routine. The bottom line is that we love each other. We always have and we're just trying to figure out our stuff like every other couple." Uh, translation: The Hills script hasn't been delivered to our fake apartment yet, so I'm not sure what to say.

Source It Up!

That Creepy Couple from Real Houswives

Please begin to induce vomiting. My sister finds The Real Housewives of New York City to be an absolute train wreck, but one that can't be missed. I figured she's get up this morning, check out my site, and begin pouring bleach in her eyes whilst reading IBBB (and more than usual).

Anyway, know that wicked creepy couple on the show? You know, the chick who talks like a robot and looks like a man who's married to that dude who has Simon Cowell's old haircut and the leftover freckles that fell off of Lindsay Lohan? Yeah, well the wife, Alex, has recently had some of these naked photos leaked onto the Interwebs. Alex is proud of these photos, as she should be because at least this proves to me that she is a women....or she had surgery to attach a rack to her chest and then cut off her diggity-ding-dong. Either way, I'm officially blind.

Alex recently told In Touch "It was a celebration that a new mom can be in great shape." Know what else is a celebration of new mom being in great shape? Wearing layers.....many many layers. A ski-suit perhaps. If you pervs wanna check out the rest of Alex in all her glory click here.

Hopefully this will help with those "connections" that she's always talking about. Fine, I saw the mini-marathon this weekend. They're creepy and those kids are creepy too. Francois? Good luck kid.

Jodie Sweetin Has Baby. How Rude!

Stephanie Judith Tanner has just given birth to a baby girl, named Zoie via a c-section. The baby weighed in at 8 lbs 7 oz, which is about twice the size of the Olsen twins tied together. Anyway, Jodie was too busy to talk to People Magazine, as she had a human cut out of her, but her rep told People, "Jodie says the she and her husband and family are absolutely thrilled and in love with baby Zoie." Wait, Jodie Sweetin has a rep? For what?

Congratulations to Stephanie and her husband, who I believe is the kid who played her friend, Harry, on Full House (it's not). I don't want to say to much, but see what happens when you go to Gia's make-out party? You get addicted to crytal meth and get knocked the hell up. Learn your lesson kids. Don't let a "Stephanie Judith Tanner" happen to you!

P.S --> I wonder how Mr. Bear will interact with the new baby. Hopefully he won't be too jealous. That crazy Mr. Bear!

Who Said That!?

Spencer's Busy, Let IBBB Take a Message: 5

Back by popular demand is my own advice column: "Spencer's Busy, Let IBBB Take a Message" In case you need to be caught up on what this is click here to read last weeks. Anyway, thank to all of you sick bastards who wrote in a question and sorry to those of you who I didn't choose. Keep sending them and I'll keep printing them out and shredding them! Here we go....

Dear IBBB,

I am a legitimate massage therapist and lately business has been slow at the day spa I work at. Any tips to bringing more customers in without having to break the law?

Thanks,

Yvette

Dear Yvette,

With a name like Yvette and your profession being a massage therapist, I'm pretty sure you're a hooker anyway. Admit it. It's fine. Oh, and thanks for the email. If you're not hooking, I'm sure you're stripping. Either way, I suggest taking these skills and mixing them into your massage career. A little $2 dollar sucky sucky never hurt anyone and I don't think it's against the law. Oh, and if that doesn't drum up any additional business you could sell drugs out of your massage room. I think the kids still like "the meth" so that may be your best bet. In conclusion, don't worry about "the law." If you ever even get caught you'll only spend like 25-30 yrs in the slammer anyway. Consider it a vacation. You're welcome.

Signed,

IBBB

Dear IBBB,

I was thinking of starting my own blog and considering you don't have any talent I figured anyone could start one. Any advice for me?

Thanks!

Melonie

Hi Melonie! I didn't realized people were actually named that. I assumed you had to be a stuffed animal to be named Melonie. Anyhooters, you bring up a valid point. Anyone can start up a blog. It's free and easy to do and clearly doesn't require any talent. Oh, thanks for pointing that out by the way...as if all the readers didn't already know that. I have a question for you, if I may. What's it like being a filthy whore who, more than likely, has genital herpes? Good luck with the blog! Let's exchange links when you get it up and running!

With Love,

IBBB

***Need advice from IBBB? Email me: ImBringingBloggingBack at Yahoo.com. Maybe I'll add your question to this site. Maybe I won't. At the end of the day, who really cares.***

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I Love Rocky From I Know My Kid's a Star!

VH1.com Videos

Um, so why aren't more people talking about this steaming pile of train wreck more often?? Rocky from "I Know My Kid's a Star" must have been cast on this show after they deemed her too crazy for Rock of Love. I am embarrassed to admit that this is the first episode of I Know My Kid's a Star that I've seen, but clearly I jumped on the crazy train just in time. In case you don't know, Rocky is a mom (no really, she is) who wants her kid to become a "big star." I'm also pretty sure that she does $2 dollar sucky sucky for pocket change, but that's another story. I'll let the power of the Interweb uncover that. Anyway, this chick is nuts and I love it. She may want her child to become a star, but something tells me that good old Rocky wouldn't mind a little time in the spotlight as well. Go figure. Check out the clip above of Rocky and get to know her as I have. It gets really good about 1 minute in when she's locked in a room with a hanger and a camera and starts yelling about shaking gumballs and plugging in her PA system in front of those whores and brats. Now, I'm not technically sure what any of that means, but she was squeezing her crazy boobs together whilst saying that and also giving away glimpses of her heroin arms and meth hands. Enjoy!

Check Out My Left Hook While My DJ Revolves It

Uh oh! Someone's gonna have to explain their new black eye to the girls in work today! Vanilla Ice's wife must have burnt the roast because police were called to the house of Vanilla Ice and he was arrested after he allegedly pushed her. Apparently this is something that you aren't allowed to do even if you come home from a long day of work and dinner is still...not...ready. Note to self. Anyway, Vanilla Ice was booked by the Palm Beach County Sheriff's deputies and was charged with domestic battery. I tried to call his wife, Laura, for comments on this situation, but immediately hung up the phone after I discovered that I don't know her and don't have her number. If I could have reached her I'd assume her comment would have been, "Ouch." I, of course, would have told her to "Stop, collaborate and listen."

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Bon Jovi for Janine, Because I Said So

It's usually a quiet day around here at IBBB on a Friday and since Idol is "giving back" I figured I'd give back too, but not with money (that's just crazy talk). I'll be giving back to my friend, and more than likely future wife, Janine who is probably the biggest Bon Jovi fan there is and she's proud to admit that. So, here you go Janine, enjoy these pictures of Bon Jovi at the "2008 ASCAP 'I Create Music' Expo" that was held at the Renaissance Hotel in LA yesterday. I'm not really sure what any of that is about, but I found these pictures so I thought I'd share.

Richie Sambora is back in action after his DUI arrest. Bon Jovi performed this past Wednesday in downtown LA where Jon Bon Jovi stopped the concert halfway through to call Richie his dear friend while the crowd was screaming. After that Richie came out onto the stage and sang the lead on "I'll Be There For You." Everyone deserves a second chance.

See how nice I was, Janine? Can any IBBB fans out there hook up Janine with anything Bon Jovi related? Backstage passes to a concert? Autographed photos? Sky is the limit and if IBBB can sell out then so can Janine. Hook this sick bitch up! She's hot...she'll probably put out. Just saying.

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This Time Last Year: Happy Anniversary Heidi's New Boobs and Nose!

Happy Friday and welcome back to everyones favorite lazy segment called "This Time Last Year." This Time Last Year will take a brief look at what was going on in the celebrity world...this time last year (go figure). Oh, and also I'm lazy so this is pretty easy to do on a Friday. Here's what was going on with Heidi Montard's new nose, boobs, and probable chin this time last year...

Hot off the chest! Check out Heidi Montard's new store-bought boobs and nose! Good for her! Heidi is all of a sudden prettier, funnier, a better singer, smarter, and nicer. Is it just me? Anyway, these photos were snapped Heidi while her and she and Steve Sanders were hanging out at the beach in Malibu. Oh and by "hanging out" I actually mean "a staged photo opportunity." I was nice enough to circle Heidi's new boobs just in case you forgot where they go and I even added an arrow that points to her new nose just in case you forgot where her nose is. You're welcome. Oh, and please insert "Heidi's new "hills" joke here ________."

...In Other News...

Nicole Richie's mom is claiming that her granddaughter has already said "hi"....at 3-months old and she's trying to talk more and crawl.....at 3-months old. In related news, my 3-month old dog can say "Encyclopedia Britannica." I'm just kidding. I hate dogs. In other news...

~ Hilary Ready For Some Elton Lovin' ~ AgentBedHead
~ Renee Zellweger Has a Fat Back ~ CelebritySmack
~ Jessica Simpson Wet...Finally ~ NinjaDude
~ Winona Will Kill You on Command ~ FatBack
~ Courtney Love's Dirty Finger Mystery ~ PopBytes
~ Lindsay to Show Her Lohan ~ Yeeeah
~ Catch Up on Idol! ~ AmericanIdol411
~ More Entertainment News ~ WeSmirch
~ Beyonce Secrets ~ POTP
~ Celebrity Sex Dolls. Enjoy! ~ CityRag
~ Joanie Gets It On Whilst on the School Bus ~ DSF

Ashlee Simpson Engaged: New Nose Worked

The new nose and chin shaving must have really done the trick because last night Ashlee Simpson announced that she is, in fact, engaged to Pete Wentz. Can someone check on Jessica because I'm pretty sure she is on suicide watch now and strapped to the bed...and not in the good way.

Ashlee and Pete released a joint statement:

"We know there has been a lot of speculation recently about Pete and I, and we wanted our fans to be the first to know, because you guys are the best. Yes, we are thrilled to share that we are happily engaged. Thank you for all of your support and well wishes - it means the world to us. We consider this to be a very private matter, and we wanted to be the first to tell you and to hear it straight from us."

You hear that? Ashlee and Pete think I'm the best. That was nice of them to say. It's nice that they consider this such a "very private matter" that they told everyone "on the Internet." Yeah no one reads that wild and crazy "Internet." It's just a flash in the pan.

Crazy ass Joe Simpson told People Magazine that he is "totally happy" and "so excited to have Pete part of our family." I'd assume he'd continue on by saying "now I can finally start sharing Pete's clothes and dressing younger and now I can FINALLY talk to Pete about what it's like having sex with my daughter and not seem weird."

Source It Up!

America's Next Top Model: Recap Trap!

Well after I gave America's Next Top Model recapper, Jenny, the week off last week as was ready to go and recap her ass off this week...but Tyra threw a little wrench (probably named Tyra) into the plan. Here's a little ANTM message from Jenny:

This week was the recap episode. Admit it Tyra. Don't try and be all, "oh here's some deleted scenes and never before seen shenanigans." Tyra, you just wanted more of Tyra's voice narrating Tyra's actions. Well I don't want to stroll down memory lane with you. I've already seen all this sh*t and it was bad enough the first time. Why would I want to see this again? I would however, be open to a recap episode featuring inspirational quotes from Tyra ONLY....such as, "Modeling is acting like a hoe and making it fashion." "You gave us this...and we needed this...." And everyone's favorite, "Two beautiful girls stand before me." All quotes MUST be done in various accents. Or perhaps a music montage (set to "Shake Ya Body" of course) featuring Tyra dancing, smiling with her eyes and walking fierce. I would also accept an episode in which Tyra is a guest star on Family Guy. Lastly, Tyra could have taken this time to do a little self promotion....Perhaps Tyra the Musical? She could take old Barry Manilow songs and add her own twist...Like "I Can't Smile Without My Eyes."

Regardless, I would assume there is no need to recap a recap....so I will see ya next week. And Tyra better step this up. No more meat clothes and dance-offs. I want to see the girls posing as the seven continents or as 80's sitcoms that only lasted one season.

Jamie Lynn and the Case of the Mailbox

When Jamie Lynn Spears shoves some letters into the mailbox, Us Weekly is there! Too bad they weren't there when Casey Aldridge was shoving his "letter" into Jamie Lynn's femalebox...perhaps they could have stopped them. What? Fine, I'm gross. Anyway, Jamie Lynn was driving around with a human growing inside of her and mailing letters. I'm pretty sure she was mailing a letter to Santa in the North Pole that says something like this:

"Dear Santa, Instead of cookies and milk this year, I'm going to leave you my newborn and a bottle of vodka. Deal? P.S, feel free to give my baby to the reindeer and keep the vodka for yourself. Thanks Santa, Love JLS"

2 Minute Recaps: Coronita?

Back by popular demand is "2 Minute Recaps." A spinoff of "Harriet Carter Wednesday," watch my favorite Harriet Carter model, Rachel Platt, host this online cooking show like a champ. If you're new to this, check out last weeks explainer by clicking here. Now that we're all settled, here's my craptastic recap of this weeks episode of Rachel and Will making "Brussel Sprouts." Is it "Brussels Sprouts" or "Brussel Sprouts?" Oh well, who cares. Let's go!

• I have to admit I actually learned something from these 2 crazy cats. I never even heard of "Coronita" only "Corona" but apparently that exists. At first I thought it was a trick, but then I Googled the hell out of it and discovered it's just another name for Corona in other parts of the country. The more you know.
• Rachel is all "saladed" out and, since she's a 10 yr old brat, she's afraid of stinky little brussel sprouts. However, what in the holy hell is she talking about when she says she's looking for a side-dish (to replace salad) that doesn't turn to mush!? Uh, how about anything non-mushy. Just a thought.
• Haha! Awesome. I'm pretty sure Chef Will just insulted Rachel's mother. I love "yo' mama" jokes. Now if only he could throw "whore" in the sentence somewhere I would be 100% proud of him. Now I'm just 95% proud of him.
• Oh my GOD it's like cooking with The Riddler. Rachey-poo asks a million f'n questions. She even asks questions I'm not thinking about. Even Will seems pissed. He rolls his eyes at one of her 16 million questions. Put a lid on it, Rach, and stick that purple chest out!
• Uh oh...CLEAR...Rachel is flat-lining. Hopefully that gulp of wine will bring her back to life. All that talk about boiling and draining must really take a toll on her. I mean, to be alert for a 2 minute cooking segment must be strenuous.
• Wait, did Rachel just say she takes in the the can and the box? To which, Chef Will replied, "A can...a box...it doesn't matter." Yeah, I guess as long as you're putting it into something it's a success.
• When Rach is "smelling the corn starch" and robotically stating, "I-don't-know-how-good-it-is" I can see a microphone attached to her left boob. You mean to tell me that these two can afford microphones, but can't yell "cut" when they mess up or when things get really awkward? Priorities.
• When Chef Will says that the corn starch is "a nice creaming agent" I'm pretty sure Rachel was thinking, "Wait a minute, I thought I was the nice creaming agent."
• Like the animal she is, Rachel shoves the entire brussel sprout into her mouth, while it's steaming hotter than a whore in church. Shockingly she is now burning the insides of her mouth and I'm pretty sure I can see a little panic on her face, no joke. But please, don't yell "cut" just keep going because this looks great.
• Sidenote: Why does Rachel have a diamond ring on her middle finger? Do people do that?
• I would have paid Rachel $5,000 for Rachel to yell out, "Yowza! Brussel sprouts give me the shits!" and then run off camera.

Audrina Gives Dead Eyes to the Camera

Why Audrina Patridge you zany little rodent you! Ever since we've seen Audrina's rack-attack just a few short weeks ago there have been more and more "modeling" pictures of Audrina coming out of the woodwork. This time around good old Aud straps on some leather, spiked high heels, dead eyes, and lets her hair blow like snakes in the wind. I don't know why she's being so coy and hiding her boobs. We've already seen them. In fact, she should be required by law to walk the earth topless. You know what? I'm going to march on Capitol Hill until they pass that as a law. In the meantime, enjoy Audrina being a vixen from an 80's rock video. I'm pretty sure that if she didn't make it onto The Hills she'd be trying out for Rock of Love III.

In other "Hills" news, as I reported early this week The Hills has been renewed for a 4th Season that is set to start airing on August 18th. I got a ton of emails telling me that we were already watching Season 4, to which I reply, "No we're not, stupid, we're in Season 3: Part 2. Now go F yourself." I hope The Hills, like Charro, never dies!

IBBB Exclusive: The Hills Season 4 is a Go!

Source It Up!

Idol Doesn't Give Me Back My Time

Idol may be giving back, but they're not giving me back my time wasted while watching this crap. So I think to myself, "IBBB, you dirt-bag, maybe you should check out "The Idol" and maybe you should recap the crap out of it." Here's how far I got...

• Sweet I love, "Please don't stop the music." Hmm where is Rihanna? Why are there so many people on stage? Wait, is that Paula singing the "please don't stop the music" part? Why are all these people dancing? Why are there so many people on stage? Wait, is Syesha Mercado actually Rihanna? I'm confused. Why is that kid with the dreads singing too? Oh crap now they're all on stage...in a line...singing. Did Rihanna sign off on this crap? Oh God now all the Idol kids are moving and singing, that's never a good mix. Sweet Jesus why is David EatYaLettuce singing "mamma say mamma sa mamma macusa?" Why? Why is this happening? I'm a good person, why? Crap now there's a 250 pound women doing African tribal dance moves. Jennifer Hudson? She's moving too quickly, I can't tell. Now guys in tights and black vests are doing spins. They won't stop twirling. They can't stop. Mamma say mamma sa mamma macusa. The lights won't stop flashing. The dance moves won't stop. Help me, I think I'm having a seizure. Oh my God this is it, this is how I'm going to die. The police are going to find me days later in my apartment having non-stop seizures on my floor and slurring "mamma say mamma sa mamma macusa.


• I quit.

...In Other News...

Sorry fellas, this ball of sunshine is no longer on the market. Beyonce roamed the streets of NYC after her, supposed, wedding dressed like a ninja in heat. In other news...

~ Tom Cruise With an Eye Patch ~ AgentBedHead
~ Perez Ripped Off Another Blogger? ~ CS
~ Paris Hilton Blogs. I Look for New Work. ~ POTP
~ Kim Kardashian Fat? ~ DSF
~ Kristen Bell on a Swing ~ NinjaDude
~ Who Beat Up Lindsay's Ex? ~ PopBytes
~ Audrina Classes It Up! ~ FatBack
~ Jessica Simpson Shaves Her Beard ~ Yeeeah
~ What the Hell is Olivia Newton John Doing? ~ Ayyyy
~ More Entertainment Stuff ~ WeSmirch
~ Tennis Skank-Off ~ CityRag

Harriet Carter Wednesday: Sluts on the Run

Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday! And I'd like to say a special "hello" the the Harriet Carter employees that are now reading this every single Wednesday. Yes, I have been informed that you have been reading. Stop by and say "hi" sometime. It will be nice to put a face with the name when I see you all in court. Anyway, this week Harriet makes slutting much more efficient, risks scaring away a rabid dog with what I'm assuming is an air-horn, and markets a candle-holder to some people who don't speak English, or any language, for that matter. Let's go!Product # 1 - Hey there "Sluts on the Run!" How are you? I bet you're pretty tired since you always seem to be banging and leaving. That's very understandable. If you're a proper skank-bag you know what it feels like to try to get a quickie whilst balanced on the top of a cold metal dumpster, pushed up against the toilet, and staying as steady as you can while on a conveyor belt. Well Sluts on the Run you don't have to be like those Caveman Sluts because now Harriet is making it easier for you to bang bang bang wherever your whore-like heart desires thanks to this handy dandy 5-way carry away sofa bed! Your date for the night might think you're just bringing a stylish backpack with you, but little does he know that you're ready to go at it at a moments notice. Turn this contraption into a sofa for light petting, turn it into a lounge chair for some shirtless action, or pop the headrest down when you're, apparently, ready to experiment with things "from the back" as it delicately shows in the above photo. This class act slut doesn't even seem to mind that her "date" for the night hasn't washed his nasty feet for what looks like weeks. Apparently the photographer doesn't seem to mind either. So, my friends, have a little class when you're out and about and bring your own bed with you, but always remember the pioneer sluts that had to bump uglies in dumpsters and in the back seat of their cars so that you could, one day, have your one-night stand with a little dignity, class, style, and inflatable pillows. Thanks, Harriet, for making my slut comfortable and when I toss her out the window when I'm done with her I can rest easy knowing she will land on her blown up 5-way carry away "slut raft."
Product # 2 - Know what dogs with rabies like right before they go for your neck? They really like you taking the time to take out you "air horn" and blow it directly in front of their face. Oh yeah, they love that. Rabid dogs love loud noises. They like it so much that they'll probably start to bite of your arms well before they ever go in for your neck. It's a respect thing. Anyway, this dog looks as sweet as can be and, by the looks of him, he probably listens to commands such as "sit" and "roll over." If this dog is about to attack you, you should try that first and then bring out the air-horn. Oh, actually come to think of it know what works better than an air-horn? Oh what's that thing called again? Oh yeah, a gun. Guns work well when vicious dogs try to attack you on the street. Sometimes I don't have place to store my "dog killer" so I walk the streets of NYC with a crossbow and arrow strapped to my back. Yeah, I like to pretend I'm Robin Hood while fighting off rabid animals. It really brings me back to my roots. Seriously, this "air-horn" looks like it will work just as good as bitch-slapping that dog with your purse. Good luck with that. Press the horn, but make sure you have a backup plan when it pisses of this dog even more. Perhaps an elderly woman with rollers in her hair will be walking by during this confrontation. Use her as a shield and just start ramming the dog. Try calling the dogs girlfriend a "2-bit whore." Insult its puppies. Throw hot dogs in the air and when it looks up at them kick it in the face and run like there's no tomorrow. Be sure not to accidentally "dance" like there's no tomorrow as Paula Abdul instructs. In the meantime, think up some innovative and practical ways to out-smart a rabid dog on your own. Just keep in mind though that carrying hot dogs with you and a bow and arrow will come in handy more than you think. I'm sure PETA would agree. Arf!


Product # 3 - So this product isn't the worst, but since everyone loves to send me hate mail on how bad my spelling is I figured it was only fair to take a crack at Harriet. Go figure. Anyway, apparently Harriet is marketing to those who speak made up languages or languages that are a combination of Spanish and German? Check out a few of my favorite lines from the description above: "Dinosaurs may be extince." Extince? I knew a few Dinosaurs who were "Extince" but they kept that shit quiet. You couldn't talk about it way back in those days. Did you know that this dinosaur is also "dishwasher daft" too? Spreken zi douche!? I love things that are dishwasher daft, it just makes me feel more comfortable with placing my "daft extince" into the dishwasher. Look, my site is a ghetto little website that is spelled checked (thanks to the spell check tool) but is never grammar checked. Also, I make about 11 cents a month on my ads. At the end of the day I'm allowed to spell things wrong and use incorrect words because, well lets face it, who cares. But Harriet Carter is a multi-million dollar company. Yes I said multi-million. Shouldn't someone be checking the spelling/grammar mistakes. God knows it shouldn't be me, but it should be someone. As a sidenote, what the hell are they talking about that you can use this candle-holder for big birthdays like 30, 40 or 50 where each candle represents a decade? Really? You know you'd still have to explain that to your guests, right? At that point you wouldn't need the dinosaur and could just as well place 4 candles in the cake and tell people each candle represents 1 decade, no? Nice try Harriet. You know my weakness is math (and spelling, and grammar, and love), but you can't trick me this time!


This concludes another craptastic Harriet Carter Wednesday. Before you send me hate mail I only chose 3 products this week because I couldn't find anything else funny to write about. Harriet better refresh her crapalog...and quick!


Please note, no animals were harmed during the writing of this segment.


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Britney Down to 3 Stalkers?

Ba-da-ba-ba-ba I'm dumping it! Shouldn't you check to see if you have to go to the bathroom before you leave the house? And if you find yourself in an emergency situation and you're famous, wouldn't you stop at a hotel or something? They always have restrooms in the lobby. Just a friendly tip, Britney, just a friendly tip. Anyway, Britney was out and about when she was overcome by either #1 or #2. I'd like to think it was #2, as McDonald's usually does that to me. Britney pulled her car over, hopped out, and quickly walked into the ladies room at McDonald's. Why do I have the feeling that she just sits bare-ass on the toilet without putting any toilet paper down or anything.

What was even more remarkable was the fact that, according to BuzzFoto there were only 3 photographers following Britney around and taking her picture at this McDonald's. What? Just 3? Has Britney finally worn out the paparazzi? I guess it was only a matter of time before they got bored with her. Typically when someone picks up a British accent it's usually the end of the line for them anyway. Pip pip!

I've Decided. I'm Marrying Julianne Hough

Well folks, I've decided and it's official. I'm marrying Julianne Hough. She, of course, will take my last name: Julianne BloggingBack. It has a nice ring to it. So I am ashamed to admit that I tuned in for a few minutes (or 30) to watch Dancing With the "Stars" on Monday night because there wasn't anything else on and I wasn't sure if Heather Mills was still on and I've been waiting to see her leg shoot off like a boomerang. Anyway, I came across Julieanne Hough (not literally, that's rude). Yup. There she was, a dancing machine....a slutty little dancing machine and it was at that moment that I thought, "ImBringingBloggingBack, that slut will one day be my wife." Then I thought, "I shouldn't call my wife a slut." From there she was just "The old skank-bag misus" from there on out.

I'm not kidding, I would please like to take Julianne Hough out on one date please. Where do I sign up please? Who can make this happen please? I will consider (CONSIDER) stopping the stalking of the Olsen Sluts and focus all my energy on Julianne. I'm not, however, crazy about the name "Julianne" so we may have to change it to something a little more catchy like, "Juanita." So, Juanita BloggingBack, if you're out there and you're reading this...you know what to do. You're welcome. That'll be all. Good day.

Conan O'Brien's Boston Priest Stalker!

First the New Kids on the Block reunite, then it's opening day with the Red Sox, and now Conan O'Brien's stalker priest from just north of Boston has plead guilty to obsessive lurking (I'm not sure if that's the legal term). Ahhh, it's a proud day to be a Bostonian!

Father David Ajemmian has admitted to being a crazy stalker and then plead guilty on 2 counts of disorderly conduct. Wait, nothing about child molestation? Things are looking up, Catholic Church! The judge in this case (not Jesus) has provided 2-years of protection for Conan from this priest. Yowza! Watch out when those 2-years are up!

Look, I'm sure most priests are nice guys, just not ones from Boston. They're either molesting kids and being moved from parish to parish or, now, they're stalkers. This is why I'm going on a strict policy of "I'm Only Using Priests for One Thing Going Forward.....Exorcisms." You can follow this policy too and call it "IOUPFOTGFE" for short.

Source It Up!

...In Other News....

Um, I was only kidding when I wrote that story this morning about wanting to see more of Tori Spelling. She does know there's a human growing inside her, right? In other news...

~ Tori is 8-Months Pregnant, but Only Looks 7 Months to Me ~ Us Weekly
~ Hef Turns 182! ~ AgentBedHead
~ Pete Doherty Gets More Jail Time Than Lohan ~ CelebritySmack
~ Did Lauren Conrad Give Pleasure to Kermit the Frog? ~ PopBytes
~ Miley Cyrus Cameltoe ~ DSF
~ Paris Whores It Up Other Places Too ~ FatBack
~ Amy Winehouse Channels Mr T ~ Yeeeah
~ Scar Jo is Dead Inside ~ Ayyyy
~ Lohan Being Sued....Again ~ POTP
~ Hayden on the Way to the Sock Hop ~ NinjaDude
~ More News You Shall Read ~ WeSmirch
~ WWE Boobies ~ CityRag

The Hills: Operation Win Heidi Back

It's another double episode of The Hills and I have to admit I'm not really into the hour long committment. I'd rather a 30 minute episode and have them extend the season by a few weeks. This, my friends, is reason #1,547 why I am a loser. Moving on, in this creature double-feature we really get to see all of Lauren's 3 friends show up for her birthday, check out Sandy Sanders (Stephanie Pratt) and what I assume is multiple wigs she is sporting, watch Audrina smile her way throughout another crapisode, and catch up on all things Whitney. Will Heidi and Steve Sanders continue to crack smiles during their "fights?" Will Whitney's boss, Wednesday Adams, rip off her mask and declare that not only she is Lisa Loveless, but also declare jihad too? Will Kimberly finally admit she is no Elodie? All this won't be answered this episode, but continue reading anyway. Here's what went down on The Hills episodes "When Spencer Finds Out" and "Just Be Careful" last night:

• I love how Lauren claims that everyone is out of town for the night of her birthday so she's only going to celebrate with a few people. More like she's a douche and no one wants to go. I'd totally go. I'd sit on her lap and take her glasses on and off for her. I'd also use my tounge to.....stir her martini if you know what I mean...and I think you do...cuz I'm a pervert.
• Lauren is totally that girl in "college" that got all dressed up for class because her life is a ghetto fashion show that only she competes in. Check out everyone else standing near her in the opening scene wearing hooded sweatshirts t-shirts, etc and LC is in a black dress. Tramptasitc!
• Steve Sanders is looking around Heidi's "apartment" or the set of Heidi's apartment like it looks so different. I'm pretty sure she slapped on some greyish green paint and called it a day. Actually, I'm pretty sure they filmed her last epsiode painting, but then I'm sure she stopped when the cameras stopped rolling and some poor little intern had to finish. I would like to be that intern. Thanks.
• Does Heidi have big ears that we don't know about? Even when her hair is stick-straight you can still see one of her ears popping out the side to say "hi." Perhaps it's trying to run from her head after it saw what she did to her nose, chin, and boobs. Can you have ear surgery? Heidi should add that to her chalkboard list of improvements.
• What the hell are Steve Sanders and Heidi talking about!? Who wants to date him? And Heidi only says she doesn't want to date anyone else because she can't. Imagine being involved with either of these two? I'm pretty sure the criteria is to: fight while smiling, not blink (ever), push your eyebrowns together and look extremely puzzled whist asking a question, and carrying a boombox at all times.
• So, uh, can Lo stop yelling "happy birthday" to Lauren's face? No joke she keeps saying it. It's kind of pathetic. Woo-hoo! We're wearing party hats and drinking wine. Kill yourself.
• Is it just me or does Sandy Sanders and Steve Sanders basically just live one apartment over from Heidi's apartment. I think they just film a different side of the building when they say it's "Stephanie's Apartment."
• Yeah, um, is anyone going to acknowledge that Steve Sanders has about 15 different haircuts throughout this epsiode? First it's short and straight and then it gets puffy and curly, like a perm that an elderly woman gets once a month and has her hair set in rollers.
• Why is Sandy Sanders making such a big deal that Steve Sanders is sleeping on her couch and not working. Isn't that what he did at his old apartment? I mean, he read a book once in a while but basically it was the same thing. It's not like he's a bum. I mean he's a bum, but not a broke bum. Doesn't Sandy Sanders know that her brother is rich from such things as starring in "The Hills" (maybe she doesn't see the cameras following them) and also managing Heidi's career (maybe she hasn't seen him standing behind Heidi at events with the boombox).
• I have 10 words for you: Operation Win Heidi Back.
• Operation Win Heidi Back is an award winning plan that, I'm sure, has lots of twists and turn. I'm also sure it consists of not blinking while acting out the steps of the plan. He know's he's not actually a cartoon, right? It should be called "Operation Money Train."
• It's Lauren's sad and pathetic birthday with about 3 people, 2 of which are Sandy Sanders and that douche Roxy. Are people really named Roxy if you're not a stipper, a porn star, or a club?
• Lauren is absolutely shocked when someone brings out a birthday cake for her...on her birthday....at her birthday party. What are the odds. Don't think you need a cake that big for the 3 people who showed up. Just saying.
• Whitney's dance moves are hot.
• I'm convinced that Audrina is a robot. I mean that would explain her dead eyes and lifeless existance, but notice that when Lauren brings Audrina over to meet Stephanie and Roxy she shakes their hand and then looks right back at Lauren like, "Is this ok? What do I do now? Tell me what I should be doing next. What should my reaction be. Are we ok with this?" P.S --> Audrina, I've seen your boobs. We've all seen them. Nice work.
• Heidi and Kimberly continue their reign of terror on their eyes and eyebrows when they are talking about Lauren and Sandy Sanders hanging out. They keep squinting. This is how I can tell they're reading cue-cards.
• Steve Sanders hair is back to a perm when he confronts Sandy Sanders about hanging out with LC at her b-day. Sandy Sanders starts to cry and I'm almost positive that the producers are sticking her with pins in the leg and then start shooting the scene again.
• Sandy Sanders doesn't want Steve Sanders to keep this fight going and he responds by constantly giving her a thumbs up sign. That's a Sanders mating call, I believe.
• I wonder if LCs "professor" minds that she and Sandy Sanders are talking all throughout class and that there's a film crew their as well. Every time the "professor" or someone walks by them they quickly look up at them like they're intruding on their conversation. People can be so rude in a classroom, not Lauren and Sandy Sanders..everyone else that's there trying to learn without a film-crew. Rude.
• Heidi totally started the sex tape rumor. While they won't actually say "sex tape rumor" when Sandy Sanders and Heidi are talking they elude to it and Heidi reacts like a 9-year old that was caught cheating on her spelling test. However, the best part of the conversation is when Sandy Sanders tries to convince Heidi that she and Lauren are friends because they "have fashion in common." Yeah, I'm guessing that the fashion class that Sandy Sander is in with Lauren is the only class that she's taking...at all....and the producers are probably paying for it. I always blame the producers as I'm not really sure what a producer does, but I always see Liz Gately's name at the end of the credits and I want to thank her for producing such a crapstatic show....and I want to be on it. So, Liz Gately from The Hills, if you're out there....thank you. Call me.

Ugh Part II. If you've made it this far now's the time to take a bathroom break. I've been typing so long that I've wet my pants 4 times. Moving on. Here's how "Just Be Careful" went down:

• Lauren is such a great friend. Whitney just got back from NYC and her brand new job and all Lauren does is talk about herself and her party. Just because the camera is on you, Lauren, doesn't mean you can only talk about yourself. It can be a dialogue with another person. I know, crazy concept.
• What's up with Whitney and Lauren's "name necklaces." Didn't girls used to wear those in 1995? By the way, you're on The Hills....we know your names. Although, I'm sure it's a friendly reassuring reminder for Whitney.
• Uh, Whitney says her job was to "call models names" during a fashion show and Lauren says, "That's like my ideal job." Really. To call names? That's what you want to do with your life? So calling names is more fun than being on a TV show? Hmmm. News to me.
• Wow "People's Revolution" breaks ALL the rules for "The Hills" because I already spot one black guy and 2 Asian dudes. I believe that's a record for The Hills. I'm sure it was only an oversight on the producers behalf. Liz Gately, get on that.
• Kelly CUNTrone has to be a made up character, I'm convinced. She still definitely looks like Wednesday Adams and is too miserable even for me. It's like she's running a sweatshop. Wait, that would kinda explain the excess of Asian workers. Anyway.
• Whoa. Is Jessica "the publicist" actually Sally Field with bright red lipstick?
• I wouldn't last 2 minutes with Kelly Cuntrone. I'd have her in a headlock, but I'd be wearing surgical gloves as I'm sure she has lice. Filthy pig.
• Can you hear the fear in Whitney's voice when she's talking to LC on the phone while at work? Is she being held hostage like those 400 women at that religious compound in Texas? Send me a signal Whitney and I'll come rescue you!
• What the hell "club" is Heidi and Sandy Sanders going to that's on the street where the Hollywood Walk of Fame is? That area is a dump.
• What a surprise. Audrina also happens to be there. As a sidenote, the girl sitting to the right of Audrina looks like Justin Bobby without a beard. Where is Justin Bobby, by the way?
• Audrina looks like she doesn't know what to do when Heidi sits down next to her. Probably because Lauren isn't there to specifically instruct Audrina what to do, how to feel, and what to say. Geesh, even the cue cards don't seem to be helping Audrina.
• Uh, during their "conversation" did anyone else notice the song in the background changes about 15 times? How long did it take to film that scene?
• I love when Whitney is at the gym. It always reminds me of the time when Whitney was doing "air punches." Me gusta Whitney. She's good people.
• Oh Audrina is going to get it! Lauren is such the man in the relationship. Looks like Audrina is going to have to explain a black-eye in work tomorrow. Uh oh, did Audrina just talk back to Lauren? Yowza! She should duck the next time she talks back to Lauren because you know that fists will be flying.
• Lauren shows up for "lunch" with Whitney at her job, but ends up helping her out....just like old times. Wow, I wonder if Lauren will end up working at People's Revolution? That was sarcastic enough, right?
• Does Audrina always answer the door without looking to see who it is first? If that's the case I'm heading over there now.
• Seriously, where did they get that "stuff" that's supposed to be Heidi's? It's like a wooden box and a picture that Heidi claims her moms friend painted. Yup, because you definitely need all that stuff. "Props" to the props department at The Hills. It would have been awesome if when Heidi went to pick up her crap it really was like an orange street cone and fuzzy dice.
• Uh oh. Audrina hasn't learned her lesson yet. She tells LC that Heidi came over to pick up her stuff and I'm pretty sure that Lauren is trying to figure out ways to murder Audrina....or darken her teeth.....whatever is worse.
• I seriously think that Audrina is going to piss herself while telling LC about Heidi coming over. Poor Audrina. A friendship based in a fear is a friendship filled with fun.

Finally, it's over! Was that 1 hour or 6? Was I somehow tricked into a Hills marathon? Well that's all until next week. Thanks for reading...if you even made is this far. Hopefully you read this during work where you can be as unproductive as necessary.

Click Here to Become MYSPACE Friends With IBBB The Hills Recapper!

Previous Hills Recaps

Tori Spelling's Kids Head is Huge!

I'm assuming this sentence isn't grammatically correct, but Tori Spelling's kids head is huge. I have a friend (go figure) who brought up to me a little while back that Tori's kid, Liam, who is under 2-yrs old has the head the size of an 8-year old. My friend teaches America's youth so I will protect her name by calling her Balicia. Anyway, Balicia and I had a healthy conversation about the size of his head. No joke, I doubt they can get a sweater over that thing so it's lucky they live in California, where I'm pretty sure you can go shirtless anywhere and at any time. At least that's how I picture it. Moving on, Liam is a cute kid. There I said it. Happy now? I was actually nice to a child.

He's cute, but I'm very concerned for Tori Spelling's "gentlemen greeter." If his head was that big during child birth I sorta imagine her "downstairs area" like a scene from Alien. I'm also pretty sure that if you were to take a peek at Tori's gentlemen greeter you are certain to find Jim Walsh hiding in there. I don't believe for a second that he and Cindy Walsh moved to Hong Kong.

So, uh...er....what happened to Tori's hoo-ha after child birth with a head like that? Does it just stay like that? I imagine it to be similar to Silly Putty after birth. Ok, I decided to stop imagining this. Anyway, Tori, "the husband," and Liam were playing together at the park when "photographers just happened to stop by and snap their picture."

As a side note, if Tori's gentlemen greeter is still the size of a basketball I'm pretty sure she'll be able to give birth to her next child the same way you unblock your ears while on an airplane....just squeeze your nose and blow out. That kid will shoot out in under 2.5 seconds and at 144 mph. Ok I'm done.

Source It Up!

...In Other News...

Carrie Underpants tells the world that when she and Chase Crawford broke up it was done via text message. I was dumped via email. True story. In other news...

~Which Website Swears More Than Me and By How Much ~ AgentBedHead
~ Wait, an Olsen Was the "Carver?" ~ PopBytes
~ Woody Harrelson Shows His Bum ~ CelebritySmack
~ New Kids, New Song ~ POTP
~ Shakira Sex Tape Don't Lie ~ NinjaDude
~ Jamie Lynn Turns 17 and White Trashes It Up! ~ Yeeeah
~ Will Charlton Heston Be Buried With His Rifle? ~ Ayyyy
~ Cameron Diaz: Hot From the Side ~ DSF
~ More Ent News! ~ WeSmirch
~ Mena Shows Some Bum ~ FatBack
~ Rolling Stones, Stoned? ~ CityRag
~ Hills Recap ~ JustinBobby.com

The Hills Season 4 is a Go! IBBB Exclusive!

I always see other pop culture bloggers talking about their "exclusive" news. Once I looked up what "exclusive" actually meant I figured I'd share some "exclusive" news on The Hills. While it hasn't gone public yet, The Hills Season 4 has been given the go-ahead and is scheduled to start airing on August 18th, just one day before my birthday. What a gift from Jesus!

Now let's not get confused, we are currently enjoying Season 3 Part II and not technically Season 4...yet. My source on Season 4 is insanely reliable and also is just plain old insane, which makes this even more fun. There is no word yet on who will be returning and which characters will be added and which will be given the boot, but there are two things I know: (1) Kristin Cavallari has been asked, again, to be part of The Hills and she has, again, turned it down. (2) Steve Sanders (Spencer) and Heidi are looking to cast a friend or two for them to play with on The Hills, but you must be rich and/or come from a rich family. Regardless, I'm tossing my name into the ring.

While we are only a couple of crapisodes deep in The Hills Season 3 Part II, I am disappointed that we haven't seen much of Jenn Bunney, her nose, or her head being tilted to the left each time she talks. Also, it's like Audrina is hardly part of the show anymore. Lisa Loveless? R.I.P.

So, my friends, spread the word about The Hills Season 4 for August 2008. I'm pretty sure Perez Hilton or some of those other crack-whores will either beat me to the punch or talk about this next week and it will make international headlines. You read it here first. This could be my first and last exclusive as I'm starting to already forget what the word "exclusive" means again. Good day.

Catch Up on The Hills. Click Here and Enjoy!

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Britney to Sing for $100 Million?

Rumors are swirling (meaning the rumors are out there in a circular motion I assume) that Britney is getting ready for the biggest comeback tour in the history of comeback tours on the planet earth (there are bigger comeback tours on Saturn, Pluto and, of course, Uranus). Drunken random sources are saying that Britney is in the process of planning her $100 million comeback tour and is training her ass off (literally) to make this a success.

Whether this is true or not it really got me to thinking, which never is really good for me as I typically will fall out of my chair. Anyway, while I have no interest in seeing Britney Spears in concert even if the tickets were for free I'd rather watch an ant crawl across my apartment floor on a make-shift stage that I've created with popsicle sticks, some glue, and a dusting of gold glitter all while listening to "Hit Me Baby One More Time" illegally downloaded on my iPod then see Britney lip-sync on stages in major US cities. Is it just me or does that just seem more entertaining?

Anyway, these pictures above were taken of Britney out and about in Brentwood at Peppone over the weekend. Feel free to print out these pictures, cut out the mouth, turn this into a mask, and star in your own Britney Spears comeback tour in your bathroom! You're welcome!

Suddenly Dionne Warwick is the Voice of Reason?

There's nothing better then a crazy person going crazy, coming back from crazy, and then having their crazy aunt/cousin try to be not so crazy and issue a statement. Now I'm not sure what I technically just said, but I'm pretty sure I subconsciously signaled for an al qaeda attack. Anyway, good news train wrecks of the faithful, Whitney Houston is going to be back and better than ever! Well, that's according to her aunt Dionne Warwick. I know I feel better now.

Auntie Dionne was performing some of her biggest hits such as....and uh....oh and then then she sang...er......at Muhammad Ali's Celebrity Fight Night XIV in Arizona the other night. Celebrity Fight Night? I hope there were Olsen Sluts involved!

Dionne told People Magazine, "I'm thrilled that she's in the studio and working on her new album. No doubt she's overcoming everything that has been put in front of her even this week."

Thanks Dionne for that pointless thought.

Who Said That!?

Spencer's Busy, Let IBBB Take a Message: 4

Back by popular demand is my own advice column: "Spencer's Busy, Let IBBB Take a Message" In case you need to be caught up on what this is click here to read last weeks. Anyway, thank to all of you sick bastards who wrote in a question and sorry to those of you who I didn't choose. Keep sending them and I'll keep printing them out and shredding them! Here we go....

Dear IBBB,

First of all, why are you so sexy? Second, is it wrong to carry vodka in my water bottle when I'm going to meetings - or actually, whenever I work in general?

Sincerely,Larlita

PS: So, do you like, want to go out with me or what?

Dearest Larlita,

There are too many reasons why I'm so sexy to list out here, but what's most important is that it's been stated. I may be considered sexy in the blogging community, but that's like being considered the whore in a group full of nuns. Sure, the nun is considered the whore, but you're comparing her to all the other nuns. Make sense? Me either. Moving on, you bring up an excellent point in regards to the vodka. No, it is never wrong to bring vodka to your meetings or just whilst in work in general. What is wrong is not switching over to rum during your lunch break. You see, the vodka will give you a great buzz during the hours of 9am - 12pm but you definitely need to bring your glow to the next level once you run out for a bite to eat. If you're not doing that then I'd assume you aren't working hard enough. Finally, with a name like Larlita I'd assume you were one of the members of Destiny's Child that got kicked out. In the case, "yes" I will go out with you.

Signed,

IBBB

I have a question for your Spencer's Busy, Let IBBB Take a Message segment. It is:
Why are middle-aged women such bitches? I work in customer service and take phone calls from various people every day. The only ones that want pick fights with me, hate on everything and talk like their dead inside, is these middle-aged bitches. What's wrong with them?

Thank-you.
Emily

Greetings Emily,

You could have just asked the question you didn't need the intro sentence. I'm pretty sure the less words you type the better it is for the environment. I think it has something to do with "going green." Anyway, I think it's extremely rude and closed minded to say that middle-aged women are bitches. That is in extremely poor taste. In actuality most women, regardless of age, are bitches. That lady on the train with her umbrella poking you. Bitch. That chick that could have been a model that didn't give me the time of day. Bitch. That crossing guard that lets every single student cross the street right when I'm at the crosswalk. Bitch. Let me ask you Emily, are you a bitch too? I think it's a magnetic thing. Kinda like the law of attraction. Bitch attracts bitch. I'm also pretty sure that's a psalm in the Bible as well. Next time one of these bitches makes you mad just simply respond, "Hey. Stop it at once. I'm a bitch too. If we can combine out bitchiness together then we can double bitch that dumb bitch who's sitting next to my cubical bitching about some bitch on phone who's bitching at her. Get it, bitch?"

Signed,

You're Still a Bitch

***Need advice from IBBB? Email me: ImBringingBloggingBack at Yahoo.com. Maybe I'll add your question to this site. Maybe I won't. At the end of the day, who really cares.***

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Getting to Know YOU!

Time for another installment of Getting to Know YOU! Here we take a look at what words people are typing into Google and somehow landing on ImBringingBloggingBack. Brilliant. As always, I list out my favorites of the past week and add my own thoughts after. Enjoy it, but not too much.

• alyssa milano's arm hair (it's not just for breakfast!)
• crayon ball paris (sponsored by burnt sienna and brick red)
• what happened to heidi's dog (nose job gone bad and killed the dog)
• full house duck lips (that kid ruled)
• how to leave your husband (cheat on him with his best friend. that'll do)
• terri irwin sexy (blagh, I'll take the physical challenge)
• "car jewelry" selfstick (that's gonna be one sweet ride!)
• heroin hair (who is: Amy Winehouse?)
• what guitars does shakira play (red ones)
• arrested with no pants (uh-oh Lindsay is up to something...)
• kermit the frog yelling (why? he's never mad)
• my dog is anxious because of the move (leave him behind then. he's dead weight)
• sluts on the loose (catch 'em while you can)

People are nuts. Good times.

2 Minute Recaps: The Pilot Episode

Back by popular demand is "2 Minute Recaps." A spinoff of "Harriet Carter Wednesday," watch my favorite Harriet Carter model, Rachel Platt, host this online cooking show like a champ. If you're new to this, check out last weeks explainer by clicking here. Now that we're all settled, here's my craptastic recap of this weeks episode of Rachel and Will making "Vegetable." This is the first episode that they've created. You know how the pilot episodes of a new show usually kinda suck? Well this one doesn't. It's brilliant. Me gusta this crapola. Let's go!

• Luckily Rachel is sporting her "peek-a-boob" shirt again for what seems like the 5th week in a row. I'd say let's chip in to buy her a new shirt, but a little peek-a-boob never hurt anyone.


• What the hell is "food controversy?"


• Haha the "director" (and I use that term loosely) must have told Rachel to show a little anger and frustration so, of course, she basically says "Uggggghhh." I'm mad too, Rachel. Ugggggggh.


• How come when Rachel has to introduce "Chef Will" she never says his last name? She's always like "Wiiiiiiiiiiiiiilllllll." I mean, I wouldn't want my first and last name associated with this crap either, but it just sounds odd. Let's call him "Will Williams."


• Rachel still doesn't know when things are cooked and asks Chef Will Williams how do you know veggies are cooked? I'm waiting for her next question to be "Where do babies come from, Will?" The answer, of course, is "Santa."


• Riggity Rach tries to impress us all by letting us know that some people like their vegetables al-dente. Is it bad that at this point I want to shoot Rachel with horse tranquilizers?


• Awesome, I believe Rachel is up to her 3rd chug of wine. Next time I think she should put the wine bottle in a brown paper bag and just drink out of that.


• Ugh. I really am mad now. Apparently Rachel is new to planet Earth. She was blissfully unaware that vegans cannot have cheese. She literally seems shocked by this....and a little pissed off. Something tells me Rachel will not be staying in close touch with her cheeseless eating vegan friends much longer.


• Even though her vegan friends can't eat cheese Rachel insists on putting cheese on hers. I feel like Rach was that fat little bitchy girl at a 7-yr olds birthday party that basically made the party all about her. She probably blew out the candles on the birthday girls cake, took the first swing at the pinata, cheated while playing pin the tail on the donkey, and pushed people over while getting "right foot green" during the Twister game. Just a guess. I could be wrong.


• What in the holy hell is Chef Will Williams making? How many f'n layers is that thing? No joke it's 10 layers and won't even stay together. Rachel, the bratty beast she is, whines that she's hungry and demands to eat this 10-layer sandwich that is basically on fire.


• Rachel's mouth opens up like a snake who is about to unhinge its jaw to eat a baby seal. She says "mmmmm" but I'm pretty sure her throat is in the process of closing up as it has been burnt to death.


• As the crapisode concludes and the music is playing you can still hear Rachel bitching about vegans not being able to eat cheese. It's at this point that I'm pretty sure Chef Will Williams regrets ever going to culinary school. Either way, stars are born with these two, the Harpo and Groucho Marx of our time!

Harriet Carter: Fresh Box to Go, Please!

Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday from sunny Florida! I love it when Harriet gets all sexy and sells sexy products to her sexy white-trash customers. The sexier the better and with all this Florida heat Harriet is sure to be in a sexy mood. Skank. Anyway, this week Harriet places chemically altered fish into her stinky pond, makes breakfast for midgets, puts out of work actors to work by giving them a broom, and really spruces up her fresh box! Let's go....

Product # 1 - Mmmm Mmmmm Mmmmm! Who's in the mood from some Fresh Box! It really is the best way to start your morning. Say goodbye, apparently, to moldy/stinky/stale box and say hola to some Fresh Box. I guess the trick is to vacuum-seal it to make sure that not only does your box remain fresh as a daisy, but everything that you shove inside that box remains fresh too. That makes sense. You don't want to put something in your box and have it end up stinking. Even worse, imagine if someone came over and put something of theirs into your box and it wasn't fresh? The embarrassment! I'd assume that what goes in the box comes out with the same freshness or staleness of what originally was in the box. It's kinda like "what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Oh, that's what that means. I get it now! Moving on, all you need to do is simply place the goods into your box and close the lid (I wasn't aware they had lids, but it has been a little too long I guess). Next up, the instructions says the pump will reactivate every time the lid is opened. That definitely makes sense. This pump is also dishwasher safe. Thank God. So ladies, never worry about not having your box fresh again and, gentlemen, don't worry about putting something in that box and having it rot whilst inside. Fresh box is the only way to go, really. Thanks Harriet and I look forward to seeing your fresh box in the Harriet Carter mansion one day.

Product # 2 - Watch out, Failure Model Chick, or this could end up to be you one day. First you end up having a successful acting career playing "Lana" the slutty and flirty love interest of Jack Tripper on Three's Company and the next thing you know your modeling outdoor brooms in the Harriet Carter catalog. Seriously, I have no clue if that's Lana in the left picture, but it's fun to assume it is. It's also scary to think that she is the first thing I think of when viewing this item. I'd want to go on medication to correct these issues I have, but would miss my random thoughts. Therefore, no meds! Anyway, it looks like Lana has no clue how to use this high-tech outdoor broom, but it's not totally her fault. After further inspection, there appears to be nothing to sweep up on the deck. Couldn't they have at least placed a few leaves or something to make it look more believable? I guess I should just feel lucky that they're using a real background and not a "blue sky scene." Wait, is that Mr. Firley I see peeping in the window? That's just like him. I'm a little pissed that Lana is standing in T-position (thanks for the definition Janine) because if she wasn't she'd be showing off a little Lana Cameltoe. Now that would have been a real treat. Hey Harriet, come and knock on my door...I'll be waiting for you.

Product # 3 - Having brunch with a couple of midgets and don't have thing to cook for them? Well fret no more because you're in luck with this handy dandy "Breakfast Machine" from Harriet Carter. Remember, midgets aren't real people. In fact, I'm pretty sure they're like unicorns. I just checked my set of encyclopedias and they are unicorns. Anyway, whether you're cooking for midgets or unicorns keep one thing in mind, they are small people and don't need the same amount of food or nutrients as us big and "normal" sized people. Don't waste your money on buying a lot of ingredients. All you need is the Breakfast Machine. Simply crack 2 eggs and pour the contents on top of the Breakfast Machine. Next, use an eye-dropper to put a little bit of coffee and a little bit of water into the coffee maker. I wouldn't be concerned about adding too much coffee as these midgets no longer need to be concerned about stunting their growth. Finally toss two muffins into the toaster oven section. Please be careful with the muffins though as they will, more than likely, be larger than the midgets in question and could easily crush them. And if you think your biggest problem will be having dead midgets on your hands think again. Do you know how expensive midget coffins are? Anyway, yum! This breakfast looks delicious and the eggs don't look plastic at all. Your midget guests will squeal with delight and not just because their voices typically sound like pigs squealing. Thanks Harriet! I can't wait for the day when this Breakfast Machine combusts!



Product # 4 - Nothing spruces up a real pond quite like fake fish and not just any fish, chemically altered fish. You see, these fake fish are shellacked with Polyurethane....just like real fish! Nothing helps explain to your kids the meaning of "death" quite like these products.


Son: Mommy? Why won't these fish move and why do they smell like a freshly stained deck?


Mother: Well, son, first off stop being such a nosey little brat. Second, these fish are fake honey, not real. You see, mommy and daddy are cheap and friggin idiots and we spent all of our life savings on building a pond in the backyard and there was no money left for real fish so we bought these fake fish that are attached to weights that sink to the bottom of the pond and keep the fish floating in the same area all the live-long-day!


Son: Mommy, is the number to DSS still on the refrigerator 'cuz I wanna call them.


Mommy: Yes, it's still there honey. Go ahead and call them you were a mistake anyway.


Thanks Harriet for polluting the pond and breaking up a loving family. I hope that one day I find you floating in the pond with weights tied to your tail. I know you have a tail. I just know it.


Well that concludes another Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday! What a treat this one was. A real treat. I'm a blessing...a blessing and a national treasure.


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The Hills: Double The Hills, Triple the Crap!

Buenos retardos from IBBBs vacation! I may be south of the border, but that doesn't mean I'm not a loser enough to carve out the time to recap the latest episode of The Hills. Sure I'm about 5 Vodka Tonics deep, but hey, watching The Hills any other way than drunk is just stupid. Here's how this drunken crapisode, Back to LA, of The Hills went down:

• Finally Audrina is back! Hey Audrina. Guess what. I've seen your boobs. That'll be all.
• What is Lauren talking about "getting away from LA for a while." Wasn't she gone for about 48 hours? Yeah wow the Korean/Crayon Ball...that's an escape.
• I will treat myself in words unspoken and live my life with arms wide open. Thanks Hills Theme Song!
• LISA LOVELESS!!!! What a sexy little minx! She's in her Christmas blouse. That's a treat. I love her combover. Seeing Lisa Loveless in red silk really gets me going. Although I feel like once you got her out of that red silk double-breasted blouse she'd have flannel lumberjack thermal underwear underneath. Ugh, I guess it will better support her penis, so it all makes sense in the end.
• So to sum up Whitney's conversation with Lisa Loveless, she basically is getting walked out the door by Teen Vogue, no? Whitney is all like, "Can I have your blessing if I leave" and Lisa Loveless is all, "We don't have jobs here for you, poor little white girl...hit the bricks, trash."
• Hahaha Heidi is back at "work." From now on you are only allowed to use the word "work" in quotes. Heidi is such a great business woman. She uses all big business lingo such as "hey, here are those files" and she's even holding actual files in her hands. The Hills must have a top notch props department.
• Hey Kimberly, I have a question....can you shut the F up? You'll NEVER be Elodie so don't even try it. Haven't you read the script? When Heidi starts talking about her pathetic relationship you should not contribute with your own story (which is even more boring, by the way). Just nod and play with your new bangs.
• I feel like Steve Sanders and his sister, Sandy Sanders, is what happens when unethical stem cell research takes place. Just a thought.
• Steve Sanders tells Sandy Sanders that he wants to date other people and I'm pretty sure he was just hitting on his sister.
• I wonder if Lauren is pissed that Whitney is going to have a better job then her? Who is Lauren going to get bad "Hallmark Card" advice from when Whitney leaves?
• When Whitney goes to her interview, why does that bitch Jessica stare at her like she's waiting for her to introduce herself. It's Whitney....from The Hills? It's a show on MTV. There are cameras following her? No? Oh ok, that's Whitney.
• Is the chick that's interviewing Whitney on crack or heroine? Sometimes I get confused on the side effects of each. Which is the drug where when you do too much it eats your face? Is that Meth? I think that chick is on meth. It's comforting to know that this chicks hair is as ratty as Lisa Loveless', but she's never be Lisa Loveless.
• I'm psyched Heidi puts forth her best "newscaster hairdo" whilst at breakfast. Listening to a conversation between Heidi and Sandy Sanders is as hard to follow as Chinese arithmetic, and not as fun. Wait, what?
• Hey Audrina! Welcome back to the episode. Oh, I've seen your boobs and your bum.
• Oh great, Les Deux. I'm now officially calling it Les Douche. That place f'n sucks.
• It's good to see Lauren and Brody fighting like drunken kids in college. I miss those days. Although my college days never had a friend with a wild blond fro-perm like Brody's friend.
• As a sidenote, nice "3-lines" in the side of your hair, Frankie.
• Is it just me or does Lo's new nose make her look almost exactly like Lauren? Well, not exactly like Lauren, but more like the hungover version of Lauren.
• I'm pleased to announce that an Asian AND an African American person have been spotted in the background during Lauren and Lo's lunch conversation. Sure their faces were all blurry, but they were there. It's good to know that The Hills is expanding their horizons.
• Gross, Heidi sounds like she has a nasty cold. Basically, she sounds like when she sings. She probably caught the bird flu from those seagulls she was chasing during the shooting of her video.
• Steve Sanders is putting everything he owns in a box to the left and moving out. I'm pretty sure he's pushing that box off the set of The Hills.
• Awwww Whitney and Lauren are saying goodbye as it's Whitney's last day of "work." They're trying to decide if their long distance relationship will work. TRUST ME...it won't. It's going to seem like it's working at first, but it will crumble for sure in the end and you'll end up feeling horrible about yourself. You'll decide you will never be in love again and you welcome the loneliness. Oh wait, that's just me. Whitney and Lauren will totally work out.
• I was a little disappointed in the ending. I was waiting for it to end by saying "Lisa Loveless R.I.P 1492 - 2008.

Holy hell what? I was just about to close my trusty laptop after the Hills crapisode and there's another one? Sure I'm on vacation and drunk right now, but I'm pretty sure I'm not hallucinating this. Ok, I'll give this one a try as well.

• Sweet! Is Lauren's professor from Boston? She was butchering every word with the letter "r" in it. I was waiting for her to say, "Wicked Pissah, Kid!"
• To no surprise, Stephanie Pratt (aka Sandy Sanders) is in Lauren's class. Who knew that The Hills producers also worked in the Registers office!?!
• New Nickname Alert! Whitney's boss, Kelly Cuntrone, is now know as "Wednesday Adams." She looks like death. What type of job is this when your boss is like, "Oh yeah and you have to wear black everyday."
• Seriously, is Lauren's professor drunk? I mean, I know I am, but she looks like she keeps a 40 in a brown paper bag under her desk....and she sounds like it.
• Hey there token Asian student! It's so bad when The Hills adds other nationalities to the scene. They get way stereotypical. They basically dress the Asian girl with a camera around her neck and place a map in her hands.
• Oh those tricky girls! They're all text messaging eachother that Sandy Sanders and Lauren are in the same class. When's Mr. Firley going to walk by?
• Are the fashion designers that Whitney is working with both Darma from "Darma and Greg" or just one of them?
• Whitney's doing great on her first day of work! She's officially said the word "pants" 16 times and that's a good day in my book. What, I have a book of pants. Don't judge me.
• Oh great, now they have a Michael Jackson hat on the token Asian student.
• Is Sandy Sanders wearing a prison outfit? Anyway, she apologizes to Lauren and throws her brother under the bus. Wait, maybe that's why she's wearing the prison outfit.
• Uh-oh Whitey is f'ing up the fashion show. Suddenly Lisa Loveless and her daughter, Kimball, seem like a walk in the park.
• Why does Wednesday Adams think she's such a bad ass? It must be that tricky Meth eating her face again!
• I'm pretty sure that Heidi and Sandy Sanders will be the most boring roommates in the history of roommates. It's like watching paint dry. Oh wait, that's exactly what it was.
• Sandy Sanders permed her bangs and is talking with Steve Sanders. They're technically fighting, but I'm positive it's just sexual tension.
• Sandy Sanders and Lauren are apparently BFF and are having lunch together and squealing like school girls. Should I bother to mention that Sandy Sanders is wearing the same headband that Cheri Johnson's wore in 5 seasons of Punky Brewster...or should I just let that slide.
• Ahhh it wouldn't be a Hills episode without ending it with a Natasha Bedingfield song.

Phew! Someone feed me some orange slices and pour little cups of water over my head because I just recapped my ass off! 30 minutes = fun to recap, 60 minutes = community service.

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Past Hills Recaps!