...In Other News...

Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore white-trashed up their weekend by doing a little go-kart racing with the kids. Shouldn't Demi be tested before being allowed to drive that go-kart? She's old. That was clear, right? In other news...

~ What Tennis Douche Hates Anna Kournikova? ~ AgentBedHead
~ Gossip Girl Sideboob Friends ~ DSF
~ Check Out An Olsen on Letterman ~ Websters
~ Celebrities in 1993! ~ CS
~ American Idol Ghosts of the Past ~ DListed
~ The Real Housewives of Atlanta ~ POTP
~ Holy Shoulderpads Batman! ~ Ayyyy
~ Angelina Jolie Has Been Spotted ~ Yeeeah
~ A Kardashian Birthday ~ IDWYL
~ Where is Amy Winehouse Today? ~ PopBytes
~ Samantha Rotten is a Blogger Now Too ~ Bricks
~ So is Jennifer Garner On or Off the Market? ~ Fatback
~ Kanye is Pissy Again ~ NinjaDude
~ What's the Deal with Rob Lowe's Nanny? ~ Celebitchy


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Give Britney Her Kids Back, Y'all!

Time to oil the screen door on the trailer because August is going to be a big month for Britney Spears and Kevin Federline. Britney and KFed had gone into mediation recently over custody issues with their two kids, "What's His Face" and "The Other One," but they couldn't really agree on anything (except the fact that their both white trash with money). KFed wants sole physical and legal custody of the kids and he wants Britney to stick with her 3 days a week visitation program. KFed also took a minute to talk about a new song he's working on called, "Daddy's Home." It should more appropriately be called, "Daddy's Home Because of Mommy's Money."

In other Britney news, it's also that time of year when the "Britney Spears may perform at the MTV VMA's" rumors go into first gear. The President of MTV states that they're not ruling anything out and that everyone deserves a second and third chance. I think it would be more fun watching Jamie Lynn Spears and Britney Spears taking care of their kids for 3 minutes 50 seconds live on stage. I'd like to see that instead. I'll write a letter.

Britney is pictured above over the weekend crying.....again. Maybe it's because her hair still looks like there's a family of chipmunks living in it or perhaps it's because her shorts look like the backdrop of the opening credits of the TV show "In Living Color." Or maybe, just maybe, the bra that she actually remembered to put on this time is cutting into her rack attack. The possibilities are endless.

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An Olsen vs. Spencer Pratt? It's like "Sophie's Choice" for Me!

What does one do when their two favorite worlds collide? You first pray to your Santa and then you write a letter to your Jesus. That's what I do and it always seems to provide me with a sense of peace. An indistinguishable Olsen and Spencer Pratt are getting into a bit of a faux-fight thanks to David Letterman.

To quickly catch you up, the Olsen in question was on Letterman the other night and disclosed that she went to high school with Spencer and he had quite the temper whilst on the soccer field. The Olsen also mentioned that he stomped off the field a few times (like a little bitch, I will add). I'm hoping that Spencer still has the temper issues and forced Heidi to either accidentally answer the iron from time to time or gave her a good shiner due to her burning the roast. While I don't condone violence, I do in this case and I'm sure you all agree.

Moving forward, once Spencer caught wind of this Olsen-diss, he immediately told Us Weekly (once they finished blowing him) the following:

"I don't really care why she used my name to get press for her little indie film that no one's going to see. She should probably focus more on not getting dressed in the dark than on me. I forgive her, though. She's had to go through life as the less cute twin."

Oh sookie sookie! You told her. Let's clear one thing up, though. They are both equally less cute.

So who do I side with? Steve Sanders from The Hills or an Olsen Slut? Why must I decide? Why would God do this to me? Haven't I suffered enough by not having The Hills on right now? Sometimes life really is so unfair. It makes me question God.

Source It Up!

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Hey! That's My Attention Whore!

I love attention whores. I also love whores. What a delightful combination those two make. Christina Aguioejrelslklajfoewjwla likes to lead a low-key life so she figured her best bet to get a quiet bite to eat was to head out to his hidden gem of a restaurant called The Ivy. The Ivy. Have you heard of it? Probably not. Most people haven't. Somehow the paparazzi just happened to be there and were ready to attack her for a photo and possibly even her lobster risotto in a doggie bag.

Seriously, I've been to The Ivy on every trip I've ever taken to LA because, like Christina, I too am an attention whore and whenever I show up with my Red Sox hat on people always take a second look as they figure I am either someone from New Kids on the Block, Matt Damon, and well, that pretty much wraps it up. For me, this is as close to celebrity as I'm ever going to get. Anyway, the food there sorta blows. Well, it doesn't blow as much as you need to blow in order to pay the check as it is way overpriced. Either way, you only go there to be seen and I am one of the losers that goes just to check out the celebrities. However, I would like to go on the record as saying that even though I make fun of these celebrities in the unlikely event my life ever turns into that I will totally be the type who goes to these places just to be seen. I will also spend a ton of time at local malls in random states so I could get swarmed by tons of people. I think that's a healthy goal to have.

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Kristin Cavallari Makes Golf Watchable

I know you guys are rolling your eyes and dotting your t's, but I still love me some Kristin Cavallari. Sure her voice is annoying, but have you ever heard my Boston accent? It's a match made in heaven and by "heaven" I really mean "jail." Kristin Cavallari was taking her best put at a random celebrity gold tournament in Miami, Florida just the other day. Finally, golf is watchable. I like the fact that she's wearing high heeled skank shoes whilst on the course and a dress short enough that she could have easy access to one of those little mini-golf pencils, should she choose to store one up there. I think it's efficient.

Anyway, when are those rumors going to start up again that Kristin is to appear on The Hills. Did I start those rumors? One may never know. Regardless, she should "put on pause" those direct-to-dvd movies that she's so good at and come back to what she does best: Looking hot and acting like a total "C" on fauxality TV shows for MTV.

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Getting to Know YOU!

Time for another installment of Getting to Know YOU! Here we take a look at what words people are typing into Google and somehow landing on ImBringingBloggingBack. Brilliant. As always, I list out my favorites of the past week and add my own thoughts after. Enjoy it, but not too much.

• brody breaks bathroom stall promise (he totally did, liar.)
• freckles and tanning (too late dina/lindsay)
• what sluts wear (slutty clothes)
• woman who dug up her dead boyfriend to drink the beer that was burried with him (she sounds like my kind of gal!)
• does a green porch light mean drug use (no it means the lady has been dead since christmas)
• don't you want to see these clothes on me (no, heidi, we don't)
• dump in her pants (doris?)
• "how to send hate mail" and not get caught (let me know what you find)
• "i look a bit like sarah jessica parker" (ouch! man hands and all?)
• "looking right at the camera" cock mouth (pervs)
• african american girl nurses rinse poop in dirty underwear in hospital public patients toilets (wait, what??)
• audrina's beaver teeth (that's like two birds with one stone)
• bette midler diet plan (non-existent)
• check out the hook while my (dj revolves it)
• comeback sayings about whores and skanks (you've arrived at the right place)
• dakota fanning wet the bed (chris hanson is here to see you)
• did the celts perform circumsisions (only on the Lakers)
• don't live in a house with bird droppings all over the walls (yeah, don't)

This Time Last Year: Michael Lohan

Happy Friday and welcome back to everyone's favorite lazy segment called "This Time Last Year." This Time Last Year will take a brief look at what was going on in the celebrity world...this time last year (go figure). Oh, and also I'm lazy so this is pretty easy to do on a Friday. Here's what was going on with Michael Lohan spelling like his daughter drinks...this time last year...


Michael Lohan is a wicked good speller. Now look, I definitely have more words spelled incorrectly on this blog than spelled correctly, but at least I know how to spell the names of the people in my family. By now you've seen Michael Lohan's press release where he spells his own daughters name incorrectly:


"I look forward to order being restored to the chaos that our family life has become. Lyndsay, Michael, Ali and Cody need stability and both of their parents in their lives. I am anxious to spend time with them and end this cruel, needless separation."


Old news, right? Sure. However, IBBB has got another letter written by Michael Lohan to Lindsay. Let's see how he did...

Ohhh not bad. He got some of them right. Insert applause here ________

...In Other News...

Oprah celebrated Nelson Mandelllllllllllllllllllaaaaaaaa's 90's birthdaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay in London yesterday. Seeing Oprah is one of my favorite thiiiiiiiiiiings! In other news....

~ The Paparazzi Surfer War of Words ~ AgentBedHead
~ Mini Driver is Bikini Ready ~ DSF
~ Matt Damon is Bikini Ready ~ Websters
~ Kurkova is Not Fat and, Yes, CelebritySmack, I Would ~ CelebritySmack
~ NYC Celebrities Help You With Stuff ~ PopBytes
~ Miss Universe is a Christmas Peacock ~ Ayyyy
~ Who Didn't Kathy Griffin Bang? ~ POTP
~ Saint Jennifer Lopez de las Bronx Seems Breezy ~ IDWYL
~ Is Zoe Kravitz in a Play? ~ NinjaDude

Audrina Buys Stuff Off Her Rack

Audrina, her teeth, and her rack were all out shopping yesterday at DDCLAB in LA. There's not really much to talk about with Audrina, but I'm wondering if Tori Spelling is wondering who stole her 90's boobs?

While at DDCLAB, Audrina and her rack bought a bunch of bikinis and some dresses. While leaving the store, the creative paparazzi asked her if she liked surfers or the paparazzi better. Audrina, who is the Lucille Ball of our generation, quickly answered back, "You are multi talented. You are eating lunch while you shoot." Applause, applause. Oh Audrina! You should be one of the writers on The Hills!

The Hills is still currently shooting their latest season which will debut on MTV in like 55 more sleeps.

Source It Up!

Nicole Richie Gets Non Reality TV Work

Nicole Richie had to bring her bony ass back to traffic school (pictured above) the other day which stems back from that one time when she used her SUV as a war missile and drove it the wrong way up the highway. Wait, is that typically frowned upon? She looks psyched to be there. And fat.

In other Nicole Richie news (that doesn't have to do with her baby) she is set to guest star in the NBC show "Chuck" next season as the old high-school bitch bag of one of the main stars of the show. Very fitting. It's good that Nicole is getting some acting work. I mean she is totally qualified to do so. She said "that's hot" in about 3 seasons of The Simple Life, so what more credentials do you need? Clearly, Chuck is jumping the shark....the very skinny shark.....with alien like toes.....and really really big sunglasses......and a shark father who's Lionel Richie.

Meet Olsenkowasaki!

I've been hitting the Olsen lottery lately! An indistinguishable Olsen was at The Cinema Society and Sony Cierge Host a Screening of "The Wackness" the other night. Who cares, right? Exactly. Except this is one of the best Mary-Michelle-Ashely-Kate-Gibbler-Tanner-Olsen sightings of ALL time, for me, because this Olsen is dressed all Japanese and stuff AND it reminds me of that one Full House episode when Michelle calls Japan and just says "Moshi Moshi dude!" That was a defining moment in your life too...like it was in mine, right? Right??

Anyway, this Olsen is almost ready to show teeth, but not quite yet. Ever since I read that article that states that instead of saying "cheese" when their picture is taken they say "prune" so they get that shit-smile I can't look at them the same. They should be saying "Uncle Jesse is it ok to cry" when their picture is taken. At least I would crack a smile. Whores.

Brad and Angelina are Totally Giving Me Money!

Jackpot! According to Us Weekly, who have taken a week off from blowing the cast of The Hills, Brad and Angelina are giving $1 million to kids affected by the war! Finally the war is working in my favor! I have no idea what I'm going to spend the on, but I know it's going to be on something big like a kegerator or something. I deserve it as I am affected by the war. The war has really ruined my television viewing experience since every time I turn it on there's always another story about it. Blah blah, Osama bin Laden....blah blah blah, oil.....blah, blah, blah Baghdad Bob. Enough. Now give me my money!

Oh wait, there's one stipulation I guess. I must be a child living in Iraq. Ugh. I knew I should have moved once they took Laguna Beach off the air. The Jolie-Pitt Foundation will give $500K to Iraqi kids and $500K to American kids who lost a parent while fighting in Iraq or just have a parent who is currently in Iraq. If I ship my dad off for a "vacation" to Iraq does that count? I'm just kidding, dad, there is no vacation planned for you.

Source It Up!

...In Other News...

Saint Jennifer Lopez de las Bronx is bikini ready just four months after shooting two kids out of her vagina (ask your parents, kids). J Glow and crew were vacationing in Tenerife, Spain. Lazy. In other news...

~ Axl Rose and the FBI Will Hunt You Down! ~ AgentBedHead
~ Robert Downey's Kid Mimics Him ~ Websters
~ Yay! A Britney Stalker That Isn't Me! ~ DSF
~ Motley Crue Alive and Well ~ CS
~ Amy Winehouse Hearts Drugs ~ FatBack
~ Gwen Stefani is HUGE ~ PopBytes
~ Brooke Hogan Uses Her Words ~ POTP
~ Meet Elvis' Granddaughter ~ IDWYL
~ Name That Celebrity Thong! ~ NinjaDude
~ Anne Hathaway's Ex-Boyfriend is a Stand Up Guy ~ Yeeeah

We Almost Lost Paris Hilton

This Clip is in Quicktime. If You Don't Have Quicktime, Too Bad.

You really find Jesus at a time like this. Folks, we almost lost our national treasure (besides Heidi Montard) as Paris Hilton was leaving the Kate Somerville Skin Care Experts Salon in LA yesterday and almost fell down a flight of stairs. She must have had a guardian angel on her bony shoulder because she maintained her balance after she only slid down a few steps. Reminiscent of when Whitney Port (from The Hills) slid down the stairs on live television during a Good Morning America segment, Paris remained composed at all times and continued on with her pointless life.

Once Paris completed her near death experience she tried to get into her Bentley, but was unable to open the door. Opening doors is tough. Her boyfriend, Benji Madden, tried to help her, but was unable to and random black SUV picked them up. Note to self: There is an abandon Bentley in front of the Kate Somerville salon.

Thank you, my baby Jesus, for protecting Paris Hilton. I don't know what I would write about if your took her to heaven and by "took her to heaven" I actually mean "deservedly sent her to hell." I'll see her there.

Source It Up!

Britney, Dressed Like Camp Counselor, Gets Granted Overnights With Kids "What's His Face" and 'The Other One."

Beverly Hills what a thrill, Beverly Hills! It's cookie time, it's cookie time! Britney Spears, dressed like a camp counselor, was allegedly granted overnight visits with her two kids, "What's His Face" and "The Other One" while in court with K Fed yesterday. Is Britney allowed overnights with herself yet? I thought she was being watched like an old Italian lady with a big purse in a deli? Anyway, after the good news came from the court Britney went for a little celebratory shopping at Fred Segal and was, to no surprise, hounded by the paparazzi.

Dare I say that Britney looks almost good in these photos? It has everything I like, pants almost tight enough to expose some cameltoe, a tight shirt where her boobs could pop out at a moments notice, and that pissed off look that makes her look like she's a pig in bed and also a pig not in bed, but for different reasons. Britney almost looks decent until she ties back that stringy hair and all of a sudden her hairline looks like the inside of a baseball. How the hell long does it take for hair to grow back?

Source

And I Am Telling Youuuuu, Those Boobs Are About to Pop Out and You're Gonna Love 'Em!

I'm guessing this is what Dora the Explorer will sorta look like when she grows up and sprouts a rack? Yes? Jennifer Hudson and her pushed up smooshed down bombs were ready to bust the buttons off that dress, but still maintained to partially stand up while on the red carpet at the BET Awards in LA last night. It was nice that Jennifer really dressed things up with her bowl cut. It really makes her thick neck pop.

In other Jennifer Hudson news, J Jugs also debuted her new music video, "Spotlight," on BET last night which was directed by Chris Robinson. If you live music videos you should watch it. If you don't like music videos you should not watch it. That's basically the only 2 options I'm ready to give you at this time.

Oprah Talks All Crazy While on Diet

So, uh, Oprah is all tweaking out and junk from her 21 day detox diet. Blessed Mother Oprah Winfrey completed her diet and then took to her blog to write down some thoughts that I kind of have no clue what she's talking about. Let's take a look into the detoxed brain of Oprah, shall we?

"Day 21...yes I want some wine. Bordeaux 82. Just one glass at sunset, almost broke down and had a glass. I didn't, mostly because of my commitment to fellow VCTers. Tomorrow Scarlet...tomorrow is another day. That's my mantra for now. This has been exactly what we intended: enlightening. I will forever be a more cautious and conscious eater. That's my commitment for now. To stay awakened. "

Yowza. That's almost word for word what the drunken homeless dude I walk by on my way to work said to me this morning. What in the holy hell is Oprah talking about? Why do I feel that all of a sudden at the Oprah compound she is reenacting that Bugs Bunny episode when those two guys are shipwrecked and keep looking at each other like they're a pork chop and hot dog? And you know Gayle is the hot dog. You just know it.

Oh well, hopefully Oprah sticks to her detox plan and goes completely insane. At least her show will be watchable then.

Source: Oprah's Blooooooooog!

Harriet Carter: Smile for the Deaf Bitch!

Harriet Carter Wednesday is a special day, mainly because I say it is. In this weeks installment, Harriet takes pictures that differ from the reality, helps some old lady bother everyone, and makes sure a little bitch gets her way. All in a weeks work! Let's go!

Product # 1 - Trying to get a snapshot of your ugly family, but are afraid to ask someone to take your picture in fear that they'll steal that $19.99 camera you bought for your trip to the beach in, apparently, the winter? What a beautiful setting for a family photo. Now is that technically swamplands behind them? And why the hell is the dad in short sleeves, the mom about 10 buttons undone, and the kid in a full white wool sweater and matching hat? I'm calling DSS. Oh, and real nice job protecting your daughter's (??) eyes from the sun. The poor kid is practically blind in one eye and you both have your '80's shades on. Good parenting. Why not just light matches in her eyes? So, the picture is finally taken and it doesn't match up with how they're posing at all. In fact, I don't even think that's the same kid. Looks like they're trying to pull the old "Olsen Switcheroo" on us. The kids face looks more in pain in the "after" than the "before." Hopefully he/she is taking the cutest little dump on mommy's arm.

Product # 2 - Oh please it's hardly emergency when you can't open the pickle jar. What an inconvenience this lady is. From the looks of her I'm sure she pushed all her family and friends away from her which is why she's alone. Now she's forced to bother the poor people who answer the "phone" at Life Alert. Hopefully this bitch is getting a busy signal when she presses the button. Ugh. She doesn't even look hurt. She looks like she's ready to complain that her morning paper was delivered at 9:02 instead of 9:00 like it has been for the past 214 yrs. Here are some "issues" I'm sure she's bothering these people with:

• I've been sitting with shit in my pants since Monday. Can you send someone?


• I'm sorry, what? What? Come again?


• No, you called me. No, you just called me. Pretty bird, pretty bird.


• ..and then I said to Christopher, "No, I'm driving the Nina, you go in either the Pinta or the Santa Maria."


• I smell burnt toast and just fell off my chair. Is this problematic?


• What's that noise is?


• If you won't bring back The Honeymooners let me talk to your supervisor.


• No, you called me.


• How short is too short for a ladies haircut?


• BINGO!


• What time are my stories on?


• Would you like a hard candy?


• My boobs are caught in my belt, can you send someone?


• No, you called me.
  

Product # 3 - Oh this bitch again? Didn't we just see her baking brownies with that same smug look on her face a few weeks ago? How old is too old to give your kid up for adoption? Because the first time I see my kid make that little bitch face I'm packing up all her shit immediately which probably will only consist of that lollipop, a barbie doll, and birth control pills (I want to make sure she never reproduces). I'll also be sending Grandma for a little "dirt nap." Grandma is totally to blame for this little bitch probably taking the morning after pill like it's tic-tacs. Sidenote, I'm craving those orange tic-tacs now. Anyway, back to this skank. Do all little bitches suck lollipops? Well I guess we should just be glad she's only sucking on a lollipop. It starts with this and next thing you know she's signing up for "Amature Night Monday's" and doing $2 dollar sucky sucky on Tuesday's and Thursday's for a little pocket money to support her weekend meth addiction. Just a guess. Anyway, if this bitch was my kid she'd be punished until she was at least 18, assuming the adoption agency gave her back since she'll be such a terror there no one will want her. I can't wait to have kids!

Rihanna and Chris Brown Not Dating

Tale as old as time, Beauty and the Beast. Rihanna was showing off her new Pinocchio haircut at the BET Awards red carpet yesterday while in her Beauty and the Beast outfit. It really was a Disney day for Rihanna.

Rihanna was on The View the other day and when asked about her relationship with Chris Brown, Rihanna stated, "We hang out a lot. We are very close. But we are not dating. We are very close, very, very close." However, Barbara Walters must have been smelling burnt toast because she then asked the difference between dating and how they see their relationship to which Rihanna replied back, "There's a big difference and I think you know that."

Whether or not these two are dating makes no difference to me. The point is, kids, is that Rihanna is dressed like a Disney character. That's all.

...In Other News...

People.com is reporting that Heather Locklear has gone all 6's and 7's and checked her ass into a treatment center for depression and anxiety and a full evaluation of her medication. My thoughts and prayers will not be with Heather as the focus of all my recent thoughts and prayers are for an outstanding Heidi Montag "Fashion" music video. All IBBB readers, please pray for that instead. It means more. In other news...

~ Courtney Love Looking Fresh and Sane ~ AgentBedHead

~ Lisa Rinna in her Bikini ~ DSF

~ A Newer Madonna Divorce Rumor ~ Websters

~ Winehouse With a Healthy Cigarette ~ CS

~ Get Your Sigourney Weaver Pants ~ Ayyyy

~ Anne Hathaway Jumped Ship Right on Time ~ POTP

~ Carmen Electra Plays Sex Cards ~ PopBytes

~ Britney's New/Old Bikini Body ~ IDWYL

~ Britney Sex Tape Photos? ~ Yeeeah

~ A New Hannah Montanna ~ NinjaDude

~ Who Diddled the Corey's? ~ DListed

Heidi's Song "FASHION" is Pure Magic!!

Full URL

Oh wait, I'm sorry, what? I think, I think this was sent to me as Heidi Montard's new song, but I pressed play and listened to it and I'm pretty certain that Mother Mary and all the angels and saints are singing this song. Just when I thought Heidi couldn't technically get any worse she fell through the shit floor, fell into a bunch of shit, busted through that shit, and then picked up that shit, ate some of that shit, flossed her teeth with that shit, garggled with that shit, and then sang this song. Clearly, this is the highlight of my week.

Heidi's new song, "Fashion" sounds similar to that beautiful and talented singer "Shauna" who sang "Never Gonna Be, the Same Again" from the movie Teen Witch. Still with me? Anyway, just when I'm like what in the holy hell is Heidi singing I think she started going all Chinese or some shit. Is that French? Yuck.

Now keep in mind that according to Us Weekly, Heidi said about the song "It's the greatest song of my life." It really is. I'm thinking they should start up the Olympic games with this song....or at least the Special Olympics with it. Yeah, I went there.

I'm really looking forward to the music video. My money is on it being Heidi singing in the petite department at Sears while Specer tapes it with his cell phone. Yes/No?

Oh well. It's never gonna be, the same again. It's never gonna be (never gonna be) the same again.

Fashion Put it All on Me

Sad Source

Did Colin Farrell Catch the Anorexia?

Nicole Richie better step it up on the treadmill because these recent photos of Colin Farrell running on the beach are showing him close to her pre-pregnancy weight. Colin is in the process of filming his upcoming movie, Triage, in which he plays a war reporter in 1990's Bosnia. Sounds riveting and by "riveting" I really mean "suck bag."

Colin insists that he's lost the weight to make his character more authentic and has done it in a very healthy way. I guess coke is healthy, but I thought I read somewhere that it's addicted. Meth worked best for Jodie Sweetin. I would try a mix between Meth and laxatives. I'd like to tweak out while I'm performing explosive diarrhea on the toilet. Now where was I? Oh yes.

So just a helpful suggestion for Kirstie Alley, Raven Simone, Queen Latifah, John Goodman, and Kim Kardashian's ass: You guys should totally sign up to do one of those Bosnian war movies. Right?

Ashanti & Nelly. My Time Machine Works!

Ashanti and Nelly are apparently relevant again! Ashanti, in a Barney purple prom dress, and Nelly, minus his trademark bandaid on his face, were quite the 2001 power couple at the pre-BET Awards dinner at Vibiana in LA last night. Nelly was honored to be the co-host of the BET event.

So I'm going to pretend I sort of care for a second. Are these two really a couple? Seems like they're always pictured together and I'm pretty sure they've been going out for years now, but Ashanti recently gave this statement to People Magazine:

"Me and Nelly, we're good friends. We Kick it - hang out a lot. No engagement, but definitely in the future."

Does she have one of those "deals" with her friend that says if we're not both married by the time we're 35 let's just get married? I've one of those. I actually have about 6 of those deals. At first it just seemed like really good planning, but the more girls I have enter into this deal the closer I will eventually get to start my own Polygamy Sect and move to Texas and have everyone wear blue, green, and pink paper dresses. Ahhh, one can dream.

An Olsen in About 20

All the A-List stars were out the other night for the premiere of "The Butler's in Love." Well, it wasn't so A-List and about half of the people walking the red carpet were related to the films director, David Arquette. Technically, by law, Courtney Cox had to be there. Jesse Spano was there because, basically, she had a green leather jacket to wear and figured it had been a week since she made people nervous with her freaky eyes. Anyway, you'll notice in the first photo that Rosanna Arquette was there to support her brothers film. I figured it was important to post this picture in order to allow the Olsen Sluts a glimpse into their future. This is exactly how they'll both be looking in about 20 more years. I know, that's mean. I'm just kidding. They're not going to look like that in 20 years. They'll be dead in 20 years. Good day.

...In Other News...

Oh I'm sure Tyra will hardly even be mentioning this over the coming days, weeks, months, years, decades. Tyra. In other news...

~ A Tom Cruise/Will Smith Sword Fight? ~ AgentBedHead
~A Kardashian Makeunder? ~ Websters
~ Why Does Dax Sheppard Keep Getting Girls? ~ DSF
~ Pam Anderson Not Looking So Easy or Breezy. Well, Sorta Easy ~ CS
~ What Disease Does Winehouse Have Now? ~ PopBytes
~ Tyra. More Pics of Tyra. Tyra. ~ Ayyyy
~ Jessica Alba Post Knocked Up ~ IDWYL
~ 50 Cent Baby Mama Drama ~ POTP
~ Marisa Miller Just Because ~ FatBack
~ Rod Stewart Gets a Little ~ Yeeeah
~ Old School Hayden Pics ~ NinjaDude

Ebony and Retardory

Heidi Montard, who apparently is taking hairstyling tips from Dina Lohan, was not only showing her support (and horselike features) at the Boost Mobile Rock Corps concert at the Gibson Amphitheatre in CA the other night, but she also really showed her talent while on stage with 30 Rock's Tracy Morgan. What a match made in heaven and by "heaven" I mean "hell." It's Opposites Day here at IBBB!

Steve Sanders was also there and remained extremely low-key while Heidi took to the stage and performed her ass off. What a real treat this must have been for everyone involved. I'm still wishing that her horse from Crested Butte would make a cameo every once in a while. It's not fair to that horse and, as you know, I am a major animal lover and feel that the horse is being unjustly punished.

In other Heidi and Steve Sanders news, Stephanie Pratt (Sandy Sanders) has been telling people lately that supposedly Heidi and Steve Sanders will be getting married in the next few months. I find that hard to believe. And, there is NO WAY they would EVER film it for an episode of The Hills or for a spinoff....or for a special. No way. These two would never sell out like that.

Lindsay Lohan is Sidewalk Camouflage

I don't know why Lindsay No Pants will never listen to me. She's always about 2 inches from Freddie Krueger and just doesn't seem to care that she's about to get slashed at a moments notice. Anyway, Samantha Rotten and Lindsay No Pants were reunited over the weekend after Lindsay was busy filming more scenes from her upcoming film "Labor Pains" which I hope they change to "Growing Pains" and just hire the actors from the show Growing Pains and call it a day Moving on.

Lindsay is totally sidewalk camouflage. If it wasn't for her trillions of red freckles I wouldn't have even noticed her. At first I was like, "Why is that bag floating?" I assumed the freckles were stars and the bag was a planet, but after further investigation it turned out to just be Lindsay. Samantha was looking as elegant as ever and I'm pretty sure that if she were to take off her little boys t-shirt we would quickly discover some sexy yellow pits stains and some crispy ring around the collar. From the side you can almost see the outline of boob. She really should use duct tape when trying to hold those bad boys down. Masking tape won't do diddly squat in the heat.

When are these two going to come clean and admit they're doing the "greeter bump" with each other? I'm highly anticipating Dina Lohan's stroke (in every sense of the word).

Britney Looks Cured to Me!

Britney Spears made her way back from Ass-Backwardsville USA to glorious LAX and I think she looks cured! The paparazzi, of course, were photo-rapping her and one "fauxtographer" in the background is even using his/her shoes to help balance the camera. Now that's professionalism and dedication all wrapped up into one!

Meanwhile, why Britney got all choked up, her entourage got into a bit of a scuffle with the paparazzi and, in particular, one specific fauxtographer. Allegedly one of Britney's bodyguards pushed a camera into their face. The fauxtographer complained to police that they were shoved and the camera left a mark on their cheek. Awww, that's cute. Just think of it as a little kiss from Britney herself.

Now don't jump out your window because Britney was unharmed, but just a little shaken up. Phew.

Hey That's My Olsen!

What a great way to start my Monday! I'm not sure how old these are, but here are some killer photos of an indistinguishable Olsen from someones party that Nicole Richie and Joel Madden also attended. Mary-Michelle-Ashley-Kate-Gibbler-Tanner-Olsen had on a traditional Winehouse headpiece that I believe is native to the land called "England." The Olsen in question took a crack at the pinata, sipped on some Amstel Light, kept a cigarette in her mouth, and borderline dry-humped a little defenseless dog. With ripped nylons and an oversized flannel shirt to boot, this was an Olsen party that would rival Michelle Tanner's 5th birthday when DJ, Stephanie, Uncle Joey and crew dressed up like the Flintstones. I am a little disappointed I wasn't invited. I mean, I like Amstel Light and Olsen's. And, I'd even love that dog for the night and by "love that dog" I really mean "would make intercourse with it until the collar popped off" if that would get me any closer to an Olsen fiesta.

Source: via ONTD

Not Really a Jennifer Aniston Story

Jennifer Aniston was caught at London's Heathrow airport yesterday and didn't look too psyched that her picture was being taken....although her left boob did as it is technically smiling for the camera. Look close.

Ok, so there isn't really a good Jennifer Aniston story with this picture, but it's a great segway for me to tell my quick and equally boring story of bumping into David Schwimmer on Saturday night at the Waverly Inn in NYC.

My friend Maria was in the Big Orange to visit her favorite blogger so we decided to really celebrity-tourist-trap it up and check out Ye Waverly Inn. F it. I'm fine with admitting we went. We were both looking forward to overpriced drinks, a long wait to be seated, and we were also playing our favorite game "If ________ (insert celebrity name) walked in here tonight would you go to jail over them." What a hoot that was. I admitted that I would go to jail if the Olsen sluts showed up, or Tyra Banks, or anyone from The Hills. Anyway, the Waverly Inn is about the size of my apartment and we were at the bar having a drink when David Schwimmer showed up. As he walked by me it took EVERYTHING in my willpower to not yell out "Are the Friends really friends?" I always said if I ever ran into anyone from Friends I would yell that to them. That's runny right? However, my friends, I am sad to announce that I did not yell that out. I blame the lack of vodka in my system as I was only on drink number 1. I feel like I failed you. I'm ashamed.

Anyway, to wrap up, my sister text messaged me and instructed me to ask him where Marcel was, followed by a text message from my brother-in-law requesting that I tell David Schwimmer that, and I quote, "he is just a pussy who was just standing in the right line at the right time." While these were all great suggestions I did not do any of them. Clearly I was the pussy who was in the right line at the right time and didn't take advantage of the situation. Oh well. Long live celebrity stalking.

David Schwimmer was a lot shorter and skinnier in person than I would have thought. He was with some chick in a dress and some dude who had some cowboy bandanna around his neck. It was all odd. The waiters kept sending them over bottles all night long. Meanwhile, we paid about $77,000 on our drinks. Thanks for nothing Ross.

Happy Belated Graduation LOser!

Half the lifeless cast of The Hills were out and about the other night at Green Door in LA to celebrate LOsers last day of college or some shit from UCLA. I'm pretty sure she majored in "Fucking Retarded" and minored in "I'm Not Interesting." She may have actually double-majored, but who can keep up with the whirlwind that is LOser.

Us Weekly spoke with Lauren and she told them that she and Audrina really want to make things work and not fight with each other. Wanna know how she plans to do this? Well I'm glad you asked. Lauren and Audrina have scheduled one night per week to talk. No really, that's what she said. What must that conversation be like? I bet it involves a lot of extra white big teeth and awkward head tilts. In other words, that will probably consist of 6 episodes of next seasons "Hills" which debuts in August. Ugh. How many more sleeps until it starts!?

Anyway, back to the pictures. Looks like the new style this season is short dresses that stop just short of your vaginastein. Alright! A little breeze and maybe we'll get to see a glimpse of Lo's "Bosworth" or Lauren's gentleman greeter. We've already seen Audrina's but I'd go for another shot.

Well Isn't Jamie Lynn Optimistic!

By now we all know that Jamie Lynn Spears named her new daughter Maddie Briann Aldridge. Maddie Briann Aldridge? M.B.A? MBA? Really? So, er...uh...so you think that kid is going to get her MBA? GED sure, but MBA? Doubtful. It's nice to be that optimistic though. My guess is that MBA is going to get to about 4th grade before they pull her out of school and force her into some sort of Disney TV show. She'll be pregnant by 14 (just to trump her mom) and rehabbed by 14 and 10 months. Best wishes.

So When Did Fergie Turn Into Lisa Rinna?

George Hamilton is literally rubbing off on people. Fergie, who is turning into Lisa Rinna, looking like a tanned orange on the red carpet at the Cartier Love Charity Bracelet launch the other day. Fergie looks like would leave a ring around the tub. She's dirty in both ways. She's also dirty in that way like Ma'am Pappadopolis from "Webster" was kinda dirty...you know, naughty? Anyone? Just me thinking that? Cricket. Cricket. Cricket.

In other non-orange Fergie news, she is keeping mum about her future wedding. As you know she's engaged to John Duhamel, but said she's keeping her mouth just when it comes to wedding plans. Hopefully she won't just walk down the aisle, she'll do those cartwheels she did on The Today Show and then dry hump the alter like she did the stage. Here's to wishing!

Does Megan Fox Know She's With David Silver?

I'm not going to lie to you, I just basically wanted to post these pictures of Megan Fox on a photo shoot at the beach. I then, however, figured I should tell a story to go along with it. Here's the story. Apparently Megan Fox is spilling some info on the Transformers 2 movie like a 9 yr old school girl with a secret crush. She told MTV:

"As big as the first movie was, this is 10 times as big, 10 times as many set pieces, explosions, and acrobatic stunts. Shia and I make out a little bit; I don't know if anyone wants to see that."

Well that's a dumb statement. Of course I want to see her make out, but not so much with Shia as with me or perhaps even a tree. Simulated sex with a stuffed animal, rusty shopping cart, and/or a stop sign is also acceptable.

The article continues by discussing that the script has had a ton of rewrites because the original script was rushed due to the writers strike. Why does it need rewrites? Megan Fox is in it. I'd watch her read a blueberry muffin recipe in 15 different languages (except French) for 90 minutes.

Oh, and as a sidenote, the rumors are flying that Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green (aka David Silver) may be breaking up soon, so I'll let you guys know as soon as I start dating her. I hear she loves bloggers. Oh, and by "bloggers" I mean "not bloggers."

Dear Myspace Advertisers, Huh?

Dear Myspace Advertisers,
I'm puzzled so I thought I would write to you. Who are you advertising to? And, is this really your best attempt at having me click on one of your ads? Honestly, I really don't want to win. I don't want to win a prize. I don't want to punch the white guy. I don't want to be the white dog and race the black dog. I really don't want to know the date of my death. I don't want to try to make the fat guy not wet himself. I don't want to know if I'm a good flirt. Ok, fine I did try to break the cartoon bikini girl out of the glass box just to see what happened to her. I was forced to take a quiz. The point is, why are you trying to humiliate me with these ads? I don't care if my dog wins or the guy pisses himself. I don't want to win your stupid ringtones. More importantly, however, I want to know who is playing these games. No really, I want your names. I'll also need your mother's maiden name and the last four digits of your social security number. What? Just go with me on this one. Anyway, come up with some more interesting ads. Why would I ever feel the need to vote on whether or not I think "New York" from Vh1's "I Love New York" is hot or not. You even left me with an option to choose, "I don't care." I don't want to arm wrestle George Bush. I don't want to play "put a wig on cartoon Britney Spears." I don't want to guess if Joan Rivers is dead or alive (I know she's dead). Stop with the quizzes, stop with the games, and stop with the lamo ads.

Luke-Warm Regards,

IBBB

Jaime Lynn Plays the Birth Game

Well I guess it's safe to say that Jamie Lynn Spears was old enough to have her period. JLS played the "birthing game" to a bay girl this morning around 9:30 AM Mississippi time, which technically makes it around 9:30 1984, with her family by her side. I always assumed she would give birth in a cardboard box lined with old newspapers under the stairs....you know, kinda like the same way she got pregnant. Anytrash, a drunken source close the family has told People Magazine that "everyone is happy and healthy." Really? Everyone? I'm not. I'm tired and pissed. Thanks for asking.

No word yet on what the name will be, but I'll assume it will be some iteration of Lynn, Jamie, and/or Britney. Perhaps Jatney? My money is on that. Good day.

Heidi's Gun Won't Slow Me Down!

You think I'm afraid of a little gunshot wound? I don't think so, Heidi. According to In Touch Weekly, Heidi and Spencer have made some enemies and want to protect themselves so they stopped by Martin B Redding store in Culver City, CA about a week or so ago and purchased $10,000 worth of guns. How "white-trash with money" of them! Wanna know what kind of guns they purchased? Sure you do. Well, they wanted what the US Delta Force uses, which are supposedly Beneli Semiautomatic M4 Tactical shotguns and 2 Wilson close quarter combat .45 caliber pistols, and one Scout semiautomatic rifle. Phew, that was a mouthful. Technically, I'm not sure what about 7 of the words meant.

$10,000 worth of guns huh? Wouldn't it have been cheaper and safer to just be nice? Either way I'm hoping Heidi actually shoots her new boobs off and I wouldn't be disappointed if Spencer somehow got shot in the lip and started talking like Mary Jo Buttafuoco. Amy, you bitch!

In related news, it's been reported that Whitney has just purchased a Dennis the Menace sandalwood 13 inch slingshot......but that isn't as much to protect herself as it is for her to get into hijinks in her neighborhood.

Donna Martin's Dog Kicks It Hard

Donna Martin's dog, Mimi LaRue (which I believe is Latin for "Impulse Purchase") is currently sipping French Vanilla Iced Coffees in hell right now with Satan. First Tim Russert and now this? Hasn't the American public suffered enough loss for one week?

Mimi LaRue was 11 years old, which is like 102 in Aaron Spelling years, and died of natural causes with the whole family (minus that crazy shit-house rat, Candy) by her side. Tori spoke with People Magazine about this devastation and I'm sure it'll land her a guest spot on The View. Tori said:

"She was a star and a true lady, and she will be missed greatly. I'm convinced she waited around to make sure I had the daughter I always dreamt about before she left us."

Uh, Mimi probably waited until you signed on the dotted line for your role as Donna Martin, again, in the new 90210 spinoff. I mean, I know that's what I'm waiting for before I meet Jesus.

My thoughts, prayers, and old sneakers go out to the Spelling family in their time of need. As a side note, Andrea Zuckerman was unsuccessfully reached for comment.

Gossip Girl Gets Pissed On

Finally, something interesting to write about Gossip Girl's Blake Lively. After just writing yesterday how boring she was, we now get to insert a few golden shower jokes and even a doggy style joke just for good measure. Again, it's like Santa is answering all of my prayers and "yes" I pray to Santa.

Boring Blake Lively was boringly out minding her own boring business and taking her boring dog for a boring walk on a boring street in New York with some boring dude when the boring dog up and pissed all over her boring tan dress. The paparazzi were there to capture every last second of her golden shower and Blake just stared boringly into the camera. She then covered up her boring dress with a boring bag, just like Claire Huxtable used to do when she was pregnant on the Cosby Show and nobody was supposed to know. Hell, I might as well toss in a "pregnancy rumor" about Blake. Is Blake Lively blocking her boring baby bump?

Source It Up. Arf!

Saint Jennifer Lopez & the Twins

What a blessed event. Saint Jennifer Lopez de las Bronx and her wife, Marc Anthony, get off their private jet with their twins wrapped up in what I can only assume is office rugging from the late 1970's. She's just a simple girl from the Bronx, but not the normal Bronx we all know. I'm talking about the Bronx that has private jets. All caught up?

The "Holy Trinity" landed in Belgium shortly after J Glow gave a surprise performance at a school in Staten Island. The children, it was reported, were so surprised to see her and I'm assuming she was just as surprised to see so many little boys all tanned up and with waxed eyebrows. Ahhh Staten Island, you can never start them too young.

Brittany Snow Makes Me Ponder

Brittany Snow was all awkward smiles and permanent jazz hands at Planet Hollywood in New York City yesterday where she wil bel loved forever thanks to her cement hand-prints and name that will be placed into the wall of the delicious restaurant.

This really got me to thinking. Planet Hollywood really does still exist and, more importantly, people still eat there? I hope they still have that Demi Moore Captain Crunch chicken and the Patrick Swayze pasta salad. Speaking of which, is Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger still alive? They used to be all over that place.

The Results are In!

The results are in! If you want to be the First Lady or are the First Lady you must have one thing in common: Creepy. You must take creepy pictures and have creepy eyes and creepy smiles. Double chins are a plus. Please inquire within.

...In Other News...

Ugh these two. Blake Lively and Penn Badgley. In New York. Yup. I find it more existing to watch the little white crossing guy in the upper left corner. In other news...

~ Pete Doherty is 100% Perfectly Normal ~ AgentBedHead
~ Kate Moss Shows a Little ~ DSF
~ A Katie Holmes Trade In ~ Websters
~ Me Gusta Gisele ~ CS
~ Sophia Bush on the Market ~ FatBack
~ Paula Abdul Ostrich Off ~ Ayyyy
~ Rihanna is Pissed at You ~ IDWYL
~ Billy Ray Lies ~ NinjaDude
~ Jolie is Afraid ~ PopBytes
~ Joan Rivers is a Swear-a-Mouth ~ POTP

Meg Ryan Looking Less Frightful

I'm glad we're living back in a world where Meg Ryan is looking less frightful again. From the looks of it she let her lips simmer down a bit and went back to her haircut from "When Harry Met Sally" days, which is fine by me. I will now officially declare today as "Meg Ryan is Sorta Hot Again" Day! The parade starts at noon.

Meg Ryan and a cast of other random characters attended the Women in Film's 2008 Crystal Lucy Awards last night in LA. Just to clarify, you can only win an award if you have both a vaginastein and at least one boob. If you've somehow magically spouted a penis you will, of course, be disqualified.

Nicole Richie was there looking like she's almost back down to her fighting weight of 26 pounds, while Eva Mendes was there showing off her man hands. I love Eva Mendes, but if she accidentally lost both of her hands in a terrible fishing accident I would be so fine with it. Even Rumer Willis was there because she's done a lot for.....er....uh....um. So, yeah Rumer Willis was there.

But of course, my favorite attendee with both a rack and a vaginastein would have to be Lori Loughlin, more commonly known as Aunt Becky. I haven't seen her with Uncle Jesse a lot lately so I'm guessing their getting a divorce and will no longer be "doing their taxes" in Danny Tanners attic. Seriously, Lori must be counting down the days until the new 90210 starts up so she can be "real" famous again and not just "Full House" famous. Bring it on Becks!

Source It Up!

Celtics are NBA Champions! I Helped.

Boston sports teams are on fire! Oh, and after the Celtics won the NBA finals last night I'm sure the Boston fans have set the city on actual fire. After not winning a championship since 1986, the Celtics humiliated the Lakers last night in game 6 of the NBA finals with a 131 - 92 win. Now I'm not great with "the math" but I'm pretty sure that's like a 72 point difference or something. What was even better about the win was that the Celtics did it back home in front of an insanely loud crowd at the Boston Garden. I may have been watching in my apartment in NYC, but I truly believe that my viewership helped the Celts win it all. You're welcome, Celtics.

Of course, Paul Pierce brought home the MVP trophy and in an interesting "numbers" situation, the Celtics won their 17th championship on the 17th of June and when you add 17 and 17 you get 34, which is Paul Pierce's number. I assume Jesus was behind this. Thank you Jesus!

What a great time to be a Boston sports fan. Please hold all hate mail.

Care to Buy Britney's House?

According to TMZ.com, a judge in the Britney Spears conservatorship case has recently approved Britney's request to sell her house. I am in the process of buying a plane ticket to fly to Malibu and attend the open house. I'm just going to stand in front of the house yelling "$1 dollar, Bob!" in hopes that others bidding on the house go over the actual retail price. That's how that works, right? See you Mo' Fo's at the Showcase Showdown! Yeee Haw!

Imagine what owning Britney's house would be like? If those walls could talk I bet they'd say, "I have syphilis."

The photos above are from Britney leaving dinner at Sur in Hollywood the other night with a nice black dress on that really clings to the gut. It's like a fight between the gut and the crotch at all times. It's like good vs. evil. I think she should have cut a hole out of the dress so her stomach could get some air and by "air" I really mean "escape."

Source It Up!

Vonzell Solomon: The Latest Airport Terrorist?

In, "I Forgot You Existed Until I Read This Story and Then Remembered That You Do Exist, You Aren't Dead, and You Used to Be on a Show, But Haven't Thought of You in Years and After Thinking About It Am a Little Surprised You Haven't Done More With Your Career" news, Vonzell Solomon from American Idol, a few years ago, was stopped by the Florida airport security when they went through her bag and found a gun. Yes, a gun. Being an ex American Idol contestant is highly dangerous lifestyle.

Vonzell issued the following statement: "I in no way intended to enter the plane with a firearm. I was rushing to make a scheduled flight and simply did not realize it was in my handbag until I went through security."

That's funny because I said, literally, the exact same thing yesterday morning about my 4 oz deodorant when the screeners found me trying to smuggle it onto the plane in my carry on bag.

Also noteworthy, (A) why does Vonzell have a gun and (B) why didn't she bring it with her on stage while she was on Idol? If she fired it into the air while singing "I Will Always Love You" I would have voted 3 additional times for her......er...uh...I mean, I would have voted for her.

Source It Up!

Harriet Carter and the Sex Mask

Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday! Time for another look at some wonderfully white-trashed up items that are sold in the Harriet Carter crapalog. You would think at this point that Harriet herself would be sending some products for me to review. Is she dead? If she is, will someone dig her up and ask her? This week Harriet helps men get out of pleasuring their wives, cools down your sweaty torso, finds discounted ways to circumcise, and helps shaky Nana hang ornaments. Let's go!Product # 1 - Hey there fellas! Are you ever not in the mood to place the "downstairs alphabet game" with your frigid wife? Are you looking for a new and innovative excuse that goes beyond "I'm tired?" Well how about this handy dandy sex mask from Harriet Carter? Simply place the straps around your head with the plastic contraption over your mouth and nose. Next, hook up the hose to what I can only assume is your vacuum and your wife will have no doubts that she has to play "pleasure you below the neck while you sleep and I'll just take the rest from here." It really is a wonderful game. I'm not sure why this guy doesn't want to play sexual reindeer games with his wife. I'm always in the mood. In fact, I dry hump people on my walk to work. Typically, it's the homeless....especially with those glittery tin-foil hats. Perhaps it's a fetish. I don't know what any of that means. Regardless, if your skank bag wife doesn't get the hint that she's not smelling like daisies down there then there is no hope left. Just shut off the vacuum and hope that Jesus takes you.
Product # 2 - Yowza! Is it hot out! Boy do I wish I had some type of material that I could soak in water and then tie around my neck to cool off! Wait, I do have one of those? Terrific! Thanks to the mad scientists over at the Harriet Carter lab, you'll never have to pay an air conditioning bill again! All you need to do, according to the description, is soak that wrap for minutes in water and then simply place it around your neck. Brrrrr. Cold! Just think how good you'll feel with a wet neck and water dripping down your shirt. I mean who needs a fan, really. Now if money is a little tight in your household I may have a suggestion for you. Now I'm not a qualified scientist like Harriet and her team, but I'm pretty sure if you go into the bathroom and turn on the water and place your hands under that water and then take your hands and place them on your neck and face, that will cool you down just the same. I'm a bit of a pioneer though so, personally, I like to place my dog in the freezer for 30 minutes and then take him out and have him lick my face. His tongue is as cold as ice it boy does it feel refreshing. KIDS....do not try that at home. NEVER leave a dog in the freezer for 30 minutes.......15 minutes is more than enough time. Thanks Harriet!
Product # 3 - You're a dad, right? You don't need instructions. You can fix things yourself. You don't need a dentist to fix your toothache. You certainly don't need a doctor to tell you you're sick and you sure as hell don't need some crappy physician circumcising your son! No no no, you can do this all yourself with some helpful household items from Harriet Carter. Take a few practice motions on last nights corn on the cob and once you get it right 2 or 3 times you'll be ready to perform circumcisions in the comfort of your own home right there on your dining room table! What a real treat. I'll skip the medical bill, thanks, and give this a whirl myself. In today's tough economy many people are doing everything in their power to make ends meet. Well, why not do everything in your power to make "ends meat." A nice "ends meat" stew with left over "parts" from the days circumcisions. I'm actually going to stop now because I've actually started to throw up a little in my mouth and am almost certain I can go to jail for this. Yes/no? Eh. I'm over it. Thanks Harriet, for some great "work from home" ideas!
Product # 4 - Does decorating your Christmas tree typically seem like it just goes too fast? Do you want to slow down the decorating process by about 46 hours? Well, you're in luck because now you can put your fishing skills to use by place each ornament on your Christmas tree with what appears to be a fishing rod. After you carefully hang the ornament on the end of your Christmas Rod, simply find the branch you want (watch that shaking hand and trembling arm) and slowly, very slowly, place that beautiful gold ornament (from Walgreens) on the branch. It doesn't matter you can barely see the branch from where you're standing or the fact that the ornament keeps sliding off the branch, just keep trying. After you've attempted this a minimum of 29 times, try another branch and repeat the process. For extra family time fun, give this Christmas Rod to Grandma who's suffering from Parkinson's. You and the kids will be squealing with delight by watching Grandma fumble through and entire box of ornaments! Don't worry about the broken ones that smashed off the ground, the new puppy can lick that up! Ho-ho-huh?

Kelly Ripa Blows. Ok!!

There's only so many times I can rewind the TIVO when Kelly Ripa walks out onto the set of Live with Regis and Kelly. Finally, I now have new mental images of Kelly Ripa in what I would assume to be her "during intercourse" look. I no longer have to have "private time" with Kelly and my TIVO like a caveman. Jesus saves!

Anyripa, Kelly was blowing in the wind, like a $2 dollar whore still working the streets during a tornado, at the Jorge Posada Foundation Gala in NYC the other night. When the wind kicked up, so did Ripa's wild side (please repeat that last sentence in your best "Regis" voice). Oh, and I assume the Jorge Posada Foundation raises money to help him buy a chin because he's missing one. If you don't know who he is, that wasn't that funny. If you do know who he is, that wasn't that funny. Either way, Google it.

People have been giving Kelly a lot of crap lately, but I have to say I like her. Anyone who can sit with their grandfather every morning and try to understand who the hell Burt Bacharach is and try to explain to him what "The Hills" is, is a-ok in my book.

Source It Up!

...In Other News...

I didn't know that Tina Knowles made clothes for other singers? Rihanna picked up the Best International Video Artist at the MuchMusic Video Awards in Toronto. In other news I am traveling back to NYC today so posting will return to its normal stupidity tomorrow. In other other news...

~ What 80's Trash Dated Posh Spice? ~ AgentBedHead
~ Oh Hi Fergie's Knees ~ DSF
~ NKOTB Goes Boy Band Crazy ~ Websters
~ Celebrity Puzzle Game ~ Ayyyy
~ Winehouse Passes Out ~ POTP
~ The Hogan's Get Yelled at Again ~ CS
~ Holy Chaka King Khan! ~ PopBytes
~ Jenna Jameson: Always the Whore ~ IDWYL

Get Out, Right Now

So remember that Kira Plastinina story I ran earlier this morning about Audrina and her teeth attending? Yeah, well that little bitch JoJo was also there. If you don't recall, JoJo was that 14 year old singer who sang such songs that included lyrics such as "Come with me, stay the night" and "Get out (leave), right now." It was at that time I assumed (and wrote about) how JoJo was totally going to get knocked up. However, now I'm seeing her again and she's suffering from what I like to call GUABF. GUABF can happen to any younger star that was sorta cute, but then they grow up a bit and their face totally loses it. Oh, and GUABF stands for "Grown Up Amanda Bynes Face." Yeah. Amanda Bynes is all grown up now and just isn't hot even though her body is. It's not looking too promising for JoJo, but we'll give her a few more years for her face to grow into her body...literally. Although, JoJo is rocking the Angela Bower 80' power business woman suit, sans shoulder pads.

Couples Who Workout Together...

What's that saying? Couples who workout together are losers? Oh wait, or is it couples who workout together are technically 2 bitches? Either way, I've had enough of these two. Jake Gyllenhaal and Reese Witherspoon were caught leaving a private yoga class in Santa Monica the other day. Seriously, what couple exercises together? I don't know what it is, but there's something about Reese that makes me feel like she just sucks the life out of everyone around her. And I know everyone loves Reese Witherspoon, but I think she wreaks of day old douche.

As a sidenote, from the looks of what Jake is wearing with his short shorts and socks and sandals, I'm pretty sure he's offended every Asian tourist that walks around NYC. All that was missing was the camera around his neck. Oh who cares. I own it.

Anyway, everyone still wants to know if Jake and Reese are really a couple of just friends? I say, who the hell cares. Either they're dating and doing yoga together or friends and doing yoga together. Regardless they should both get a few rounds on the electric chair for being boring.

Source It Up!

Lindsay Lohan Knocked Up?

See what I did there with the title? Simply adding the question mark keeps my ass from getting sued. Bring it on Dina "the Dinasaur" Lohan! Bring it on. Anyway, while Lindsay No Pants is not pregnant, due to Samantha Rotten not technically having "the penis" we all believed she had, Lindsay has strapped on a fake baby bump to film a scene for her latest movie, "Labor Pains." If this is supposed to look authentic I hope one of the production assistants is tasked with painting on literally hundreds of thousands of freckles.

In this future award winning movie Lindsay plays a woman who fakes her pregnancy to avoid getting fired. If you don't have time to go out and see the movie, but have seen Days of Our Lives, it's basically the same concept, but with less freckles. While I may not watch "DOOL" (as the kids call it) I'm almost certain the "fake pregnancy" concept is about 5 simultaneous story- lines.

Source It Up!

Breaking: Audrina's Teeth Whiter

Audrina and her teeth made a recent appearance at the launch party for Kira Plastinia the other night and her eyes never seemed more dead, yet her teeth have somehow hit tilt on the "White-O-Meter." At this point I'm pretty sure Audrina's teeth are signaling some form of an attack to the terrorists and while her teeth are now the most blinding shade of white I've ever seen since the last time I looked directly into the sun and then quickly closed my eyes, I'm sure the terrorist attack is going to be massive.

Anyway back to this Plastinia hoopla. According to recent reports, reps from Plastinia have been chatting up Audrina for possibly her own clothing line. Currently Audrina is the only cast member from The Hills who isn't making her own crappy clothes and forcing impressionable young girls to buy them at insanely overpriced costs.

Racist American's Make Progress

I love Us Weekly polls because they really uncover a lot about us Americans (sorry Canada). Typically whenever Us Weekly runs a poll and an African American person is featured they always lose out. However, I think times are changing and I'm pretty sure Oprah is to thank...somehow. This week, Us Weekly asked its crackhead readers who they would want as their dad and Will Smith did not come in last place. Nope. Thanks to Charlie Sheen who must apparently be the devil himself, Will Smith came in 3rd place instead of 4th. Racist America is really making progress. Another lesson is also taught to us. At the end of the day, white-trash with money will always come in last place. I think Abraham Lincoln said that. Yeah, I just checked my World Book Encyclopedia. He said it.

...In Other News...

A little housekeeping business to discuss. IBBB will be heading to Boston for a few days to be wicked pissah and have some beeeeeah's wit' Sully, Murph, and crew. To translate, I'll be hanging out with my family and friends and literally cannot wait! So, the next few days around IBBB will be a bit quiet so please check out some of my blogging friends, most of whom dislike me, but visit them anyway. Oh, and if an Olsen Slut somehow gets stuck in a well, I'll find a way to report that. Wicked pissah!

~ Tom Cruise Fights More People ~ AgentBedHead
~ Winehouse Crack Cleavage ~ DSF
~ Tila Tequila Gets More Retarded ~ Websters
~ Clooney Hates the Rack? ~ CS
~ Boy George Still Likes the Makeup ~ PopBytes
~ Harrison Ford at the Kiddies Table. Perv. ~ Ayyyy
~ Because DListed Will Never Link to Me ~ DListed
~ Naomi Campbell is Interesting Again ~ Yeeeah
~ Paris Hilton Tries to Steal My Job! ~ POTP
~ Katherine Heigl is Also Retarded ~ FatBack
~ LC and Audrina Friends Again ~ EvilBeet
~ Pam Anderson Still Looks Like 1993 ~ IDWYL

Hilary Duff Banned from Cameltoe Game

BREAKING NEWS: Hilary Duff has been officially banned from the ImBringingBloggingBack Cameltoe Rating System.....to the Stars, game. When asked why the shocking ban, IBBB responded:

"ImBringingBloggingBack prides itself on truth, honesty, and easy access cameltoe. We saw a glimpse of cameltoe from Hilary Duff whilst she crossed the street after getting her hair did at the Neil George Salon in Beverly Hills, but the evidence shows that she quickly tried to cover it up with her oversized bag that probably had an Olsen Slut stuffed in it. We will not stand for this complete disrespect for the celebrity cameltoe game. Nobody likes a liar, a cheat, or a cameltoe hider. "

Wow. IBBB means business. Also, it's hard to speak in the narrative and the 3rd person. Anyway, sorry Duff.....no camels will be awarded to you. I hope you're proud of yourself.

I immediately contacted Hilary for comment, but hung up the phone after I realized I don't know her or have her phone number. Such is life.

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Ashlee Simpson's Pregnant Rack

Yeah so we all know that Ashlee Simpson has a human growing inside her. Gross. It's also old news. You know what isn't old news? These recent pictures of Ashlee Simpson's rack expanding as she was out in Hollywood the other day. And, what's even better is that she was captured in the perfect pose for me to photoshop in a parrot on her hand and her head. And her head! What's better than that? A big rack and parrots? All just seems right with the world.

What month is she in? Month 4? I can't wait for month 6. And then 9! Yowza! Yowza! Yowza! Do you think if I wrote her a letter and asked if I can photograph her when she's dilated to 7 she'd let me? I bet she would. She seems cool like that. Once she's dilated to 10 I'm totally jumping in.

Oh, in actual Ashlee Simpson news.....there isn't any. Her CD tanked. She's pregnant. That'll be all.

Saint Jennifer Lopez Plays Politics

Saint Jennifer Lopez de las Bronx and her big bag-o-sass quickly walked up the halls of the Hart Senate Office Building yesterday and ducked into Obama's office. The pictures show J Glow wearing all black (probably to help camouflage her big ass) and sunglasses as office buildings are usually very sunny and bright. Once word in the building spread that the Saint J Lo was there people lost their shit and everyone came running. Really? A lot must not go on in Illinois.

I'm glad that Saint Jennifer Lopez de las Bronx is having secretive meetings in Obama's office. She is, clearly, qualified for anything political. She has the magic touch with her singing and acting, so I'm sure this will work out well for Obama. Hopefully his campaign song will be "Waiting For Tonight."

Source Up that Bailamos!

Rihanna Caught Whatever Beyonce Had

I was listening to that little minx, Rihanna, the other day and all of a sudden I got very reminiscent of Beyonce during her "Irreplaceable" days. The song in question is "Take a Bow" by Rihanna. Ok look, it's catchy (as is crabs) but so was Irreplaceable until you actually listen to the words. Rihanna suffers from what Beyonce had and clearly is "sing dumping" someone. Here are some of the words:

How 'bout a round of applause, standing ovation.

You look so dumb right now, standing outside my house.

Trying to apologize, you're so ugly when you cry.

Please, just cut it out.

And don't tell me you're sorry cuz you're not.

And baby when I know you're only sorry you got caught.

But you put on quite a show, really had me going.

But now it's time to go, curtain's finally closing

That was quite a show, very entertaining.

But it's over now.

Go on an take a bow.

Grab your clothes and get gone,

Better hurry up, before the sprinklers come on.

Ok so you get the point. This, like Beyonce sing dumping me during Irreplaceable, really starts to confuse me. Fine, I get that you're dumping me, but you don't have to call me ugly just because I'm crying. And I mean, I may look dumb but that's because I'm standing outside your house, but you're the one who told me to start the round of applause. I'm standing here and clapping and crying and there's this curtain closing on me and I'm trying to grab my clothes because the sprinklers are soaking me. How good do you think you would look if you were trying to do all these things at the same time!?

Anyway, I've been dumped before but, again, never by being sung to. I really truly think I'd like it. I'd feel better about it and as I'm packing up my crap I'd have something to dance to. It's a real win-win, in my eyes.

Congratuations David Ortiz!

David Ortiz (Big Papi), the Boston Red Sox designated hitter, was sworn in as a United States citizen yesterday at the JFK Library in my hometown of Boston. Congratulations, David. Now get your ass off to war! Oh, and see you at jury duty!

...In Other News...

Lindsay and her bitch, Freddie Kruger, were spotted together again on the set of Lindsay's latest movie, Labor Pains. They both need a bath. In other news....

~ ScarJo for First Lady? ~ AgentBedHead
~ Ashlee's Pregnant Rack Attack ~ DSF
~ Slater Loves the Hot Dog ~ Websters
~ Alanis Does The View ~ CS
~ Disney Bum ~ NinjaDude
~ The New Axis of Evil. Brilliant!
~ Jamie Lynn's Shotgun Wedding Canceled? ~ Popbytes
~ Linda Hogan. Dating. Still White Trash. ~ Yeeeah
~ Heidi Montard, All Natural ~ POTP
~ The Hulk Speaks. People Listen. ~ DListed
~ Heather Locklear Has Total Street Cred ~ IDWYL
~ Kate Hudson's Son is a Perv ~ Ayyyy

Sarah Michelle Gellar. Oh, and I Read a Book!

I know I say this about everyone, but I love Sarah Michelle Gellar. Here's why. First off, I just do, so stop being so God damn nosy about it. Second, she used to remind me of this chick that I used to work with that always had a crush on, but she was married and I, well, I was/am a loser. See how that works? Anyway, SMG is in the Big Orange of New York City filming her latest movie "Veronika Decides to Die" based on the book by Paulo Coehlo.

So here's the thing. This is going to be shocking to you, but I've read books. No really, I have. Specifically I've read books by Paulo Coehlo. It started with The Alchemist and I loved it, so I kept reading all his other books (yes, I'm the guy who also buys a t-shirt that I like and then buys 10 more of the same in different colors...I know). However, the only one out of almost all of his books that I didn't read was the one that SMG is filming. Wanna know why? This isn't a joke. I had it in my hands and then said to myself, "Who spells "Veronika" that way? That's dumb." And then I put it back. No lie. Anyway, the moral of the story is that me and Sarah Michelle Gellar have a TON in common and clearly are destined to be together.

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Harriet Carter: No Legs? No Problem!

Me gusta las fiestas de las lapiz y mi nobmre es Harriet Carter en las piernas y el bano! Ay! Ay! Ay! I'm pretty sure that was Spanish for "Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday!" I'm trying to expand the audience reach and I hear the Spanish folk is a really blossoming demographic. Ugh. I hate when I show off with my marketing knowledge. Anycrack, this week Harriet inconveniences everyone, sends kids the "right" message, shaves your face with love, and lets couples know it's ok to just "settle." Let's go! I mean, me gusta el hockey!Product # 1 - You wanna know what's so not sexy? Not being able to walk. Geesh. I wanna see a little leg and you're always covering it up with a flannel blanket, even in the summer. The design team at Harriet Carter has spent literally minutes in the lab and came out with this contraption. All you need to do is simply carry these extra long ramps with you at all times. It's not like they'll be a pain to carry...I mean, you're sitting and you're lucky enough to have wheels. Anyway, simply wheel out your front door and then, basically, just start screaming until someone comes by and asks you what's wrong. It's at that precise moment that you hand them the ramps and ask them to "install" them on your front stairs. Once completed, you, like a ski jumper, will literally go speeding down your front stairs. Don't worry about stopping, though, because I'm sure the cars driving by will cushion the blow as you slide into them. Ouch, metal! Now after the paramedics literally scoop you off the street ask them to be a dear and collect your ramps for you. You'll be needing them at your next destination. Yowza. What an inconvenience people in wheel chairs are. That's why my motto is, "If you're legs don't work you should be put to sleep." It's catchy. I can see it across t-shirts now! Oh, and you know that this "photo shoot" is totally being shot at the projects. Who has those railings any more? Section 8 housing and foreclosure does, that's who! Product # 2 - Hey Billy! Why don't you come downstairs and blow Santa? Yes, Santa Claus. Uh-uh. Blow him. Billy is in full blowing position, that little minx. I'm pretty sure at any moment Chris Hanson from "To Catch a Predator" is going to pop out from behind that tree and ask someone to pull a chair for a second because he has a few questions. Gross. Anyway, I say this actually does send the right message to kids. You know what doesn't get you as far in life as you'd think it would? Studying hard, that's what. Basically, once you finish college you realize what a complete shit-pit the world is and the only people who really ever make anything of themselves are those who blow their way to the top. Example: Lohan's. Little Billy needs to learn this lesson now. Time to get on your knees Billy because it's a shitty economy out there and everyone is competing for the same 2 jobs. So start blowing. Practicing on Santa is perfectly fine because since we're in a recession the only way Santa is going to be able to bring your Huffy is if you do a little $2 dollar sucky sucky on him. It's a fact. Oh and good luck getting any money from the Tooth Fairy. The only way she'll even consider giving you a dime is if you start playing the "alphabet game" on her little fairy "gentlemen greeter." Don't stop after you've reached "K." Trust me. The rest of the alphabet is a real crowd pleaser. Ok. I'm not kidding, I don't even remember what the Harriet Carter product is at this point. I've hit a new low. Sweet!
Product # 3 - Why hello there, sexy! B5. Again, B5. What? Do we have a BINGO in the hall? A BINGO in the hall? Seriously that facial hair remover is one of those BINGO dobbers. I know it says it's a facial hair remover, but I'm pretty sure this "lady" has rubbed it all over her junk because even though her penis has been removed her face is still screaming "man." I guess it's a really cost effective sex change operation, but still. Also, this "chick" seems like she's all hopped on something. I'm assuming by the eyes she's on Ecstasy. Mmm. Sexy. Imagine meeting "her" at the club and taking her home. Yum. Instead of her saying "Let me slip into something more comfortable" she's really like, "Let me tuck my nuts between my legs and get rid of my mustache." Yeah, nice try you tricky little whore. I've fallen for your little game one time too many...which technically is 6 times. Next time I'm just going to ask. I'll be like, "Hi my name is IBBB, do you have a set of nuts or have you ever had a set of nuts?" I think it's false advertising if they don't disclose that right up front. I mean, anyone can throw a few towels down their shirt and have instant presto breastos! Anynuts, this "chick" should also take that hair remover and take a few swipes over her eyebrows. She looks too surprised.
Product # 4 - Hey there "couple." Yup, this is pretty much as good as it's going to get for you. You made the right choice just settling with each other. I mean, it's a dog eat dog world out there and, let's face it, neither of you are a real prize. Who needs a real fireplace to cozy up in front of? Your husband was right. This is like the same thing. Don't just stop there though. You should be half assing everything in your life. Let me correct that. You already are half assing everything in your life. You buy all non-brand name items at the supermarket. You buy your Christmas wrapping paper for the following year on December 26th. Hell, you buy next years gifts on December 26th. You wear one of those "dickies" because who really as the time and/or money for the full shirt? Who needs real flowers when the silk flowers last all year round? Just spray them with a little Febreeze and you're good to go. Although you won't buy real Febreeze, so spray them with LeBreeze from Walgreens. Why get the Honda when the Kia is basically the same, but $10K cheaper? Real Christmas trees? That's dumb. Just get the fake one and keep it up 3 weeks longer. Pollo sweaters are really almost the same as Polo sweaters. I mean, someone has to buy the Vivatron Techno Flat Panel TV, it might as well be you. This really is your life. You're the "Almost as Good as" couple. You deserve each other.

That concludes another Harriet Carter Wednesday segment. Nosotros amigos!

More Reasons I Like Molly Sims

Officially reasons # 7, 8, 9, and 10 why I like Molly Sims. I'm also glad I'm covering her more on this site because, basically, it's only a matter of time before her "Vegas" show money disappears and she's forced to turn to skank. And when she does "turn to skank" I'm going to feel proud of myself that I was there from the beginning(ish).

Molly Sims was playing bartender at the 2008 National Survey of American Cocktail Culture. No really, that exists. I'm pissed I wasn't invited. Molly made up a bunch of drinks and then drank them. I love a drunk. I also love drunken sluts. Now I'm not saying Molly is, but I'm starting my letter to Santa asking him to make her into one. I'm pretty sure that's the type of stuff Santa is responsible for. I'm also pretty sure Santa, himself, is a drunk. At least the one at my mall was. Ho-Ho-Huh?

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Jessica Simpson Comes to NYC

Jessica "I'll Keep Trying Anything" Simpson is in New York City to meet up, supposedly, with some very important people about her country music album. I feel safer when there's a Simpson in the city....unless it's OJ, then I run. But that's another story for another time with another group of people. Anyway, I'm about to make a statement. Ready? I like Jessica Simpson and not just because I bet she's a filthy pig in the bedroom (um, I mean her room is messy), but because with everything she tries and fails miserably at she just keeps on going. She like, "I've bombed all other musical genres...let's try country." She has spunk and a big as I like both of those things. When I finally crash and burn this blog, I'm going to "pull a Jessica" and try my hand at writing children's books. I f'n love kids.

...In Other News...

Oh because this is a good idea. In other news....

~ Donald Trump is Easy, Breezy...You Know the Rest ~ AgentBedHead
~ Topenga is Making a HUGE Comeback ~ Websters
~ Pam Anderson's Latest See-Through ~ DSF
~ The Madonna Divorce? Jesus Will be PISSED! ~ CS
~ Santogold Live in LA ~ PopBytes
~ Celebrity and Bird Nose Jobs! ~ Ayyyy
~ More of Hayden's Mom Haircut ~ FatBack
~ Lindsay Loves Freckles and Little Boys ~ Yeeeah
~ LC and Audrina Bitch Fight It Out ~ POTP
~ Jeff Conaway Still Needs a Little More ~ DListed

Tori Spelling Gives Birth

So Tori Spelling did not shoot her baby out of her vagina yesterday, June 9th. She had it cut out of her, like an alien. It's called a c-section. That's how that works, kids, so if you have any specific questions, ask your parents. We already knew that Tori was having a girl (6lbs, 8oz.), but we didn't know her name.....until now. I was really truely hoping that the name would be "Donna" as that would have been awesome, but sadly it's not. And the name is......Stella Doreen McDermott.

I know what you're thinking, but I have to tell ya I love the first name, "Stella" as it is legit the name of my favorite beer. No joke. What could be better than that!? If she were my daughter every time I called her name I would probably grab a beer, which means I would be drunk most of the day, which means I would be a lot more fun...and fun = good parenting. See the cycle? If I were Tori, though, I would probably drop the name "McDermott." There are many reasons for that, which I will explain at a later time.

Congrats Tori! Now get your ass back in 90210 shape! You have a set of stairs that Ray Pruit needs to toss you down and he shouldn't have to lift your fat ass. Get to work.

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A Step Up From Her "Honey" Onesie

Ok I need to guys to stay with me for a second. Does anyone see a slight resemblance of Mariah to Kathy Lee Gifford with a tan? I'm owning it. I'm sticking with that. Anyway, Mariah Carey was filming new scenes from her next video, "I'll Be Lovin' You Long Time." No really, it's called that. I can't wait for Japan to lose their shit over that! They'll probably be so mad they'll barely be able to focus on crashing their cars and buying an excessive amount of Hello Kitty crap. Oh I don't care.

A lot of people have been talking smack about Mariah in her bikini, but I think she looks good and I've always had a thing for Kathy Lee, so it's clearly a win-win for me. I think she's definitely stepped it up from when she shot her "Honey" video and wore that rubber onesie. Although I'm not totally satisfied until I see at least 4 ribs on my celebrity crushes, but that's me. Perhaps you only like to see 2 ribs. The point is, we're all different. On the set of her video was her first husband, Nick Cannon, and I guess that's news worthy so I decided to share it.

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Wake Up San Francisco

Rebecca Donaldson is looking pretty good for her age, even with that one tooth that's turned almost totally into her two front teeth......but who's really looking that close. Aunt Becky was at that "A Time for Heroes Celebrity Carnival" where famous people did nice things for charity and intentionally made me feel bad for posting pictures of them from the event and pointing out their f'd up tooth. Thanks "Becks."

Anyway, seeing pictures of Aunt Becky really gets me pumped for the new 90210. I hope her storyline involves getting into a gang bang with Mrs. Teasley in the dumpster behind the Peach Pit while Nat looks on. Oh, and I also hope they bring David Silver's old dorky friend, Scott, back to life. Sure he accidentally shot himself, but his character had real potential.

What's Old is New!

I love that we live in a world where important people are given a second chance and by "important people" I actually mean "people of celebrity status." What's old is new. What was once a scandal is, again, a scandal. Bands are reuniting to make a buck. Old shows are back, but with a twist. A mother of Nicky and Alex is allowed to act again. Sports rivals are back fighting it out 20 years later. For me, all seems right with the world.

Bringing back 90210 really got me to thinking. We are at a point in our lives that people want to feel the comfort of their past. Clearly it was a simpler time. Oil prices weren't that bad. Gas was about $1.00. We weren't in a never ending war. The thought of terrorism seemed like something that happened overseas. China wasn't poisoning our toys with lead. You get the point.

Seeing the Celtics and the Lakers in the NBA finals brings back memories of my dad buying his collectible Celtics drinking glasses with every tank of gas he bought at the Mobile station. We ended up with about 20 of them, which my mom hated but still let us use at every dinner because it made us happy. Watching NKOTB reuniting reminds me of a time when they took over my sister's life and our only "real problems" were whose pool were we going to during summer vacation. Bill Clinton is, yet again, at the center of an alleged affair, but this time with Gina Gershon and I'd be ok with that because that seems like the worst of our problems. During his first affair me and my sister were figuring out which high-schools and colleges we were going to. That seperation was a bigger deal to me than a possible seperation of Bill and Hilary.

Aunt Becky, Donna Martin, and Kelli Taylor are all in the new 90210 and given a second chance at their acting life. All these people seemed so old to me when I was little and watching them on TV and now it seems as I've somehow caught up with them.

Salt n Pepa are back at it giving it the old college try. Meth somehow made Jodie Sweetin relevant again. Angela Bower has left the Bower Agency and is no longer forced to be in the Lifetime movie of the week. What's old is new. What's new is old. It's like a perfect storm of pop culture history being brought back from the dead and placed back into mainstream America and I'm comfortable with that.

These people, bands, rivalries, scandals were all given another chance. Everyone deserves their second chance. For me, the message is to never give up because you never know when that door is going to reopen. Who knows, I could be still blogging another 20 years from now, but I will still be trying to knock down every door I come across. Hell, if Angela Bower can do it, so can I. If Jesse Spano can bounce back from Saved by the Bell and Showgirls, there's hope for me. Thanks 90's pop culture! You're inspirational!

Ugh. Hot Enough For Ya?

Ugh. Heat. Who do we need to go to war with to lower this god-for-saken temperature? I'm sure China has something to do with this.

Hot enough for ya? Yes, that is my favorite question this time of year. I slowly wait for the first heatwave of the summer and then anticipate all the people who will greet me in my elevator, in the hallway, and on the street by saying my least favorite phrase/question, "Hot enough for ya?" You know what? It is hot enough for me. It's hotter than Dina Lohan's crotch during "ladies days" (I'm assuming).

Here in NYC it's been insanely hot for the last few days and will be for the next few days, so you know what that means! This weather is all that people will talk about. This topic also makes the top story on the news and they always seem to show fat people sitting in a public pool cooling off. You know, skinny people need to cool off too. And I don't want to be sitting in water that fatties have been sitting in. Yuck.

You would seriously think that we have NEVER experienced "summer heat" before. It's insane. And you always get that one jackass newscaster who has to say my other "favorite" line of the summer, "You could fry an egg on the sidewalk, it's so hot!" Really? You know what I would say if I was the other newscaster? "Your mother's a whore!" Seriously, we have frying pans to fry eggs. We don't need the sidewalk. Where does this newscaster live and how much does he get paid that he needs to utilize the sidewalk to cook? That's just gross and pretty unsanitary. Loser.

They always seem to remind you, too, that you should drink lots of water when it's this hot. Really? I usually go for a long run in 100 degree heat and then rehydrate by downing a few beers and then a few coffees. Then, for good measure, I take shots of sawdust. Oh, and they always tell you to check on the elderly. Really? No thanks. What makes you think I want to go into my neighbors apartment and find them all decaying and smelly. Sounds like a blast, but I'll pass, thanks.

Then, they always show the homeless. You know what? I'm jealous. I'd rather be getting a tan outside then stuck in my office. It's almost too cold in my office anyway. However, if I were homeless I wouldn't be wearing a bright orange winter coat. That's just crazy.

So, in conclusion, "yes" it is hot enough for me, but stop trying to scare me with this heat. It's just heat. I won't burst into flames when I walk outside.

As a sidenote, my mom called and asked me if I had an popsicles. Awww. Unless I'm putting them down my pants, they're not going to cool me off. Oh hell. I'm going to get some opsicles and give it a try. Down my pants, I mean. That was clear, right?

Like Snoopy always says: Stay Cool!

Awwwwwwwwww!

Awwww that's so cute......that Courtney Thorne Smith is still alive and being photographed and cared about and stuff. Awww.

...In Other News...

Lindsay reminds us why she's usually covered up in black leggings. In other news...

~ Aubrey O'Day is a Horrible Horrible Person ~ AgentBedHead
~ Victoria Silvstedts Shows a Little ~ DSF
~ Brit Forgets the Bra, Again ~ Websters
~ Winehouse: Not So Smart ~ POTP
~ Deborah Harry Still Alive ~ PopBytes
~ Celebrity Puzzle Time ~ Ayyyy
~ Olsen Rehab? ~ Yeeeah
~ Miranda Kerr Sideboob ~ IDWYL
~ The New MILF ~ FatBack
~ Hayden's Haircut ~ Ninjadude
~ Blind Item Time ~ CS
~ Mischa Barton is a Retard ~ DListed

Jessica Alba Has a Girl

Spoiler Alert! Jessica Alba gave birth to a healthy baby girl over the weekend at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles. I bet Alba was miserable during the whole experience and as soon as she gave birth she jumped out of the bed and started doing lunges to get her figure back. Congrats also go to husband and father, Cash Warren, who not only should be excited by the birth of his daughter, but also that he is now officially set for life. When that sham of a marriage crashes and burns at least he'll still be getting regular monthly income. I mean, because at the end of the day this is really what it's all about.

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I Hate You, You Hate Me

I hate you, you hate me, we're a fame-whore family. With a great big chin and some big new boobs to boot. Won't you say you love me too? Awww, we all love that song. Heidi, Steve Sanders, and Barney stopped to take an impromptu photo at the "A Time for Heroes Celebrity Carnival" yesterday in LA. This charity event was sponsored by Disney and proceeds are going to the Elizabeth Glaser Pediatric AIDS Foundation. Ok now that we've covered the business side of things, let's talk about Heidi and Steve Sanders.

Is it wrong that there are more fake parts on Heidi than on Barney? Is it wrong that Barney and Steve Sanders have the same smile and that they're mouths hardly move while talking? Is it wrong that Barney, a fake purple dinosaur, has more actual talent than Heidi and Steve Sanders combined? Is it wrong that even though all these things are true, Heidi and Steve Sanders, separately, will make more money in appearances than this Barney in question will for his appearances over the next 2 years? Oh, and by the way Spencer, we get it. You have a Louis Vuitton wallet. You don't have to have it sticking out of your front pocket. Oh, and speaking of that. You're a dude. Guys put their wallets in their back pocket. Man up.

Thank You For Being Alive

Yowza. These three are still alive and kicking? 3 out of the 4 cast members of the Golden Girls were all smiles and cracked faces at the TV Land Awards which taped over this past weekend and are scheduled to air on Sunday, June 15th on TV Land. Rue McClanahan, Betty White, and Bea Arthur are all shockingly functional. I'm not even teeing off on their age, I am literally shocked that they are walking around. I think they're in their 80's and 90's, no joke.

Sure, Rue looks a little trashed and for some reason she's holding everyone's hand. It's probably some code or sign. Like if she squeezes Bea's hand once it means she just pissed herself and if she squeezes it twice it means she totally dumped in her pants. 3 squeezes means "Call the priest, I think I'm ready."

Ugh, I hope I never get old. I mean, I hope I continue to get older, but I'm hoping at that point there's some secret medicine that was discovered on Pluto that makes you permanently 35 or something. That's why we're exploring in outer space, right? It is, right? Please tell me it is.

I Have a Carrie Underwood Question

Carrie Underwood was as orange as a spray-tanned Lohan at the 2008 CMA Music Festival in Nashville the other day. I have a question. Well I'll make a statement first and then I'll ask the question. Statement: Carrie Underpants is hot as hell. Everyone thinks so. I've asked everyone and everyone said she was. Question: Does Carrie Underwood kinda seem like a big bitch? Like in the middle of sex she's probably text messaging someone and telling you that you're doing it all wrong. Then she's like "get off me" and makes you sleep in the little doggie bed on the floor because she likes to stretch out when she sleeps and she hates that you're always on her side of the pillow and breathing directly on her.

Anyone else get that vibe or just me?

In "Huh?" News

High School Musical star, Ashley Tisdale's reps are responding to reports that she is HIV positive. Wait, what? What reports? I haven't heard that and I hear everything. To make things even worse, the rumors claim that she caught the HIV virus from her nose job. Seriously, am I actually reading this?

Anynose, Ashley's reps have said that these rumors are "completely untrue."

In more interesting news, did you know that Ashley Tisdale was 22? In factual comparison news, Magic Johnson is HIV positive. That'll be all.

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Dear Bindi Irwin, Take a Note

I know I've shit on you a bunch of times, Bindi Irwin. I've called you a little bitch, a know-it-all, and a slut. I was wrong. You're a big bitch. Regardless, I'm just looking out for your best interest. So, let's learn a little something from Dakota Fanning. She's probably your idol, right? You look up to her? Sure. Well, Dakota Fanning was at the "Celebration For Children's Rights" the other night and showing off her new smile...that looks rotten. Seriously, take a tooth brush to those khaki chompers.

So, Bindi, I'm not sure if you have toothpaste over there in the "bush" but ask your bowl-cut-mullet-cameltoe-cargo-pants-wearing mother if you should be brushing your teeth twice a day. I'm sure she'll say "no" but that's Australia. They have different rules. Here in America you brush twice a day so your teeth don't turn yellow like Dakota's. Don't say I didn't warn you, you little douche-bag. Now say "thank you."

P.S I'm talking to you too, Miley Cyrus.

Wicked Pissah Sully! Grab Me My Beeeah!

Better late then never. Who doesn't love a good Red Sox brawl? Watching Coco Crisp charge the mound brings back memories of Pedro Martinez throwing down Don Zimmer. The Sox were playing the Devil Rays at Fenway when Shields aimed for Crisp while up at bat. If I were Shields, when Crisp started to run after me I would have immediately gone into "Crane Technique" position. It worked for Daniel LaRusso, so I assume it would have worked for me.

I love a good brawl. As a sidenote, Crisp was suspended for 7 games, Shields for 5. 8 players were also also fined for their role in the fight. Say what you want about the Red Sox, but it's still fun to watch. Remember kids, fighting does in fact solve problems, makes you cool, and makes you fun to watch. So the next time someone on the playground hits you during dodge ball, definitely charge them. Just make sure one of your little buddies has their camera phone on them. Then upload it to YouTube. Thanks.

Hey There's a First Time for Everything

I'm pretty sure I've never written anything about Taylor Hicks, as the Jay Leno comparison jokes are just too easy. This time around Taylor Hicks is on Broadway in Grease the musical, which, to me, looks as bad as it sounds.

Is Taylor Hicks a modern-day male version of Charo? One catch phrase "Soul Patrol" has helped his career in the same way that Charo has literally made an entire living out of yelling
"Coochie Coochie." Jealous? Absolutely. I need a catch phrase. If they remade Love Boat, Taylor would totally be guest starring.

In case you care, Taylor plays the role of "Teen Angel" which apparently exists. I assumed he would be playing Rizzo. Hicks talked about this role saying, "I am incredibly excited to be a part of one of my favorite musicals. The Soul Patrol's gonna invade Broadway!"

Uh, sure. The Soul Patrol is invading Broadway. Coochie Coochie!

...In Other News...

Finally an easier way for Britney to step out of her car without flashing her gentleman greeter. In other news...

~ Ashton Kutcher Assaulted With Fruit ~ AgentBedHead
~ Penelope Cruz Shows a Little ~ DSF
~ Uh, What Happened to Rumer's Eyes? ~ Websters
~ Jamie Lynn's Stalker Isn't Me ~ FatBack
~ Douche Bag Party Canceled. I Wasn't Even Invited!? ~ POTP
~ Is Tina Knowles Still Dressing Kelly Rowland? ~ Ayyyy
~ Miley's New Boyfriend? ~ Yeeeah
~ The Helen Hunt Replacement ~ CS
~ Beth Ditto Gets Bagged. Literally. ~ Popbytes
~ Eva Mendes and a Horror Story ~ IDWYL

Whitney's Hills Spinoff???

I can't believe this might actually be happeninK! Everyone's favorite advice giver on The Hills, Whitney, may in fact be gettinK her own "Hills" spinoff. Santa Claus, you really are a miracle maker. You too, Jesus!

A source (probably MTV) has got in touch with Us Weekly, the magazine who blows The Hills on a weekly basis, that they are working on a Hills spinoff in which Whitney works in both LA and NYC for that fashion PR sweatshop "People's Revolution" with Wednesday Adams, more formally known as Kelly CUNTone.

Supposedly, while good old Whit is in NYC she becomes friends with a bunch of douchey socialites, including Olivia Palermo, whoever the hell that is. I assume she's the lady who played the grandmother in Family Matters.

Anywhit, I'm f'n psyched if this crap comes true and I will bump those two Olsen Sluts to the bottom of my stalking list and place Whitney all that way at the top. I am willing to be Whitney's love interest, the guy who teaches her to stop replacing her "G's" with "K's" or I'll even play the dude who serves some jail time for kidnapping her and forcing her to give up all her Hills secrets. I won't be "playing" that part as much as I'll be "living" that part. Either way I'm making it into Us Weekly.

I'm hoping this new series will be called "Spaz and the City."

Source It Up!

Don't Sass Me, Unidentifiable Olsen!

Why you sassy little Olsen bitch, you. Mary-Michelle-Ashley-Kate-Gibbler-Tanner-Olsen was recently interviewed by Elle Magazine and I don't like her attitude one bit! I'll wash that little Olsen mouth out with soap! Ok, well it wasn't that bad but I still have dreams of sticking a bar of soap in Olsen mouth.

Anytanner, Elle asked the unidentifiable Olsen about her lavish lifestyle, she answers by saying it's nobodies business if she's rich or not.

"No, but it's nobody's business if I am or not. I mean, if you want to have a discussion about fame and what does it really mean to be famous these days, what's celebrity anymore, what's media? That's different."

First off, it's totally my business about how rich you are. As a celebrity you are forced to tell me those things and I should also have access to your personal Myspace and email accounts. And what the hell was her answer about "what's celebrity...what's media....that's different." Was that a question or an answer? If I was the interviewer I would have said, "Uh, unidentifiable Olsen, are you asking me or telling me? Come on Olsen, use your words....use your words."

That's a pretty boring interview. I would have asked her what she was thinking about when she was sitting on the boat in Full House on the episode where Papouli died and she asked Uncle Jesse if it was ok to cry. I would have also asked if she ate that chocolate pudding cup that was placed on the boat or was it just a prop. These are the hard hitting questions people really want to know. I also would have asked if she knew which Section 8 housing complex Kimmy Gibbler is now living in. Ugh, to be an interviewer. One can only dream.

Source It Up! and Source

Celtics Get One Step Closer

If you're a regular reader of IBBB you know that while I live in NYC I was born and raised in Boston (hold all comments) and have been kicking myself for not being there during its sports rebirth. Between the Red Sox, Patriots, and Celtics nothing makes me more homesick than feeling like the only Boston sports fan in a rival city. Anyway, people here usually hate when I post anything sports related so I figured I would just quickly share that in Game 1 of the NBA Finals, the Celtics smoked the Lakers 98-88. Like something out of a movie, Paul Pierce jacked up his knee and was basically wheelchair bound on the sides lines, but made it back into the game to score a couple of 3's and push the Celtics towards the win.

Now, there were some celebrities at Game 1, such as Boston blower Mark Walberg, Bruce Willis with his 18 yr old girlfriend, James Taylor who sang the national anthem, and uh, that about raps it up.

Ba da ba ba ba, I'm lovin' it!

The Three Wise Men

EXACTLY.

Source

This Time Last Year: Paris Hilton

Happy Friday and welcome back to everyone's favorite lazy segment called "This Time Last Year." This Time Last Year will take a brief look at what was going on in the celebrity world...this time last year (go figure). Oh, and also I'm lazy so this is pretty easy to do on a Friday. Here's what was going on with Paris Hilton going to the slammer this time last year...

Well it's official. Paris Hilton is officially fighting off bitches in prison. Paris, her mom, and her lifeless sister, Nicky, got together and took Paris to jail to turn herself in and start her 23 day sentence. This comes just hours after Paris was at the MTV Movie Awards, which by the way besides the opening with Sara Silverman was horrible. I think Paris sitting through that entire award show was punishment enough. Halfway through I was thinking, why do I care who wins these categories? What do these categories even mean? My God, I'm 65 years old. Anyway, back to Paris. Paris was interviewed during the pre-show by SuChin Pak, awkwardly, and Paris talked about being scared to go to the slammer, but was ready to do her time and wants others to look at her situation and make better decisions in their lives. That's hot.

Enjoy prison Paris. Become a woman or perhaps even a mother while you're there. We'll miss you these next 22 remaining days and look forward to seeing your wonky eye back on television and your bad acting back on the silver screen soon.

The Bravo A List Awards 2008. Sure.

Thanks to NYC event website ChiChi212.com I was given tickets to go to last nights Bravo A-List Awards. They filmed last night, but will be airing it on June 12th. Normally I don't recommend things to watch unless it's The Hills, but after the things I witnessed, I would definitely say you should check it out. Below is a bit of a recap of the night. I guess it's a little spoilerish so if you are on the edge of your seat waiting to see who won, I wouldn't read this, but trust me...who really cares.

• Kathy Griffin was funny as always as swearing and giving the finger always cracks me up. If she had tossed in a fart or two I would have been on the floor. Kathy talked about showing a lot of behind the scenes things that other awards won't let you see. By this she meant letting the cameras follow her into her wardrobe changing room to which she had 90 seconds to change outfits. Yup, she totally had the cameras follow her and we got to see her place this bag over her head and drop her dress while she was standing there in her bra and underwear as "workers" helped her get dressed. Good times.
• They reunited the Housewives of NYC and the OC all on stage and it was awkward and not funny at all. They all tried to say cute little things that they were known for saying on their show and watching crazy-eyes Romona try to be funny was pretty much worth me going. As a side note, the Housewives of NYC got an insanely bigger applause than the Real Housewives of the OC. Interesting, yet not so.
• So my whole reason for going was because Lauren Conrad was nominated for best female reality star or something and I figured this was my chance to either kidnap her or get on The Hills....whichever comes first. So they are announcing the nominees and when they say "Lauren Conrad: The Hills" I, like a 14 yr old school girl, shout out a "Yeeeeah!" all while the ENTIRE audience shout out a "Boooooo." It wasn't so much a "booo" as it was a "blahhhhhh." No joke. I was shocked. Are people over LC and The Hills? They better not be....that's my bread and butter!
• Well, LC didn't win her category. She lost out to Tila Tequila, who the audience was somehow happy with. I'm assuming Tila was trashed because she was a trainwreck on stage. She kept yelling into the microphone, "I still don't know if I'm a lesbian." And then she ended her "speech" by telling people to stop shoving their tongues down her throat when people meet her. At that point it was like "crickets crickets crickets." As Tila exits the stage by Kathy, Kathy goes "Yeah congratulations Tila" and rolls her eyes. The audience lost their shit.
• Spencer Pratt was also nominated for a reality award and was insanely boo'd when his name was announced. Sadly, he lost. Doh! All my "Hills" dreams for the night were ruined. Thanks Bravo.
• Oh, the other thing is that the audience was legit like die hard Bravo fanatics. If someone from Bravo was on stage or if they showed someone who was on a Bravo show nominated for something the crowd completely lost their shit. It was insane. People were just literally yelling shit out while presenters and winners were on stage. I felt like I was sitting in the bleachers at Fenway during a Red Sox game. I almost started chanting "Yankees Suck, Yankees Suck."
• So when people from Project Housewives of the Runways Top Chef were on stage, again, people lost their shit. When Molly Sims comes onto the stage I clap and yell and everyone else couldn't care less. I was sad for myself. Molly Sims looked really good, by the way. Recently she looked like she had something wrong with her face, but last night she looked hot. Although, I was sitting about 3,000 rows back. I called them my "Titanic Seats" meaning that if the place were to "sink" I would be the first to die.
• Oh, and then while Kathy was making fun of Dina and Ali Lohan for blowing off the awards about 3 hours before they started, she decided that, like Ali, she was also going to release her own hip hop album. She starts rapping and, for some reason, Lance Bass comes out dancing and they reenact the Janet Jackson/Justin Timberlake SuperBowl performance and Lance rips of Kathy's shirt and she has a fake rubber boobs hanging out. Sure, and old bit, but rubber boobs? Priceless. To return the favor Kathy rips off Lance's pants and he's standing their in his underwear. Again, the insane audience lose their shit.
• I've already discussed the insanity that was Lauren Hutton during the show. Click here to read that mess again.
• Finally, I also want to mention that the people who won the awards literally thought they were winning an Oscar. Some fashion chick that looks like Margret Cho, no joke, gave her thank you speech for about 6 minutes....minimum. Every person who wasn't really a celebrity gave a speech like they had won the lifetime achievement award. I didn't know who more than half the people were. I should expand my horizons.

I'm not sure how much of what I discussed will be shown since they taped 3 hours and will only air 90 minutes. So don't get all pissy and send me hate mail telling me I'm a liar if you don't see everything I wrote about. Geesh.

In conclusion the experience was a good one and there were some laughs. However, I won't lie. By the time this event was over I wanted to go home, have a beer, pick up a hammer, build something, watch something on ESPN, and check out some porn. I needed to make sure I really still did have a penis. Just saying.

Source It Up!

Lauren Hutton at Bravo A List Awards. So, Uh, What the Hell is She On?

So I got to go to the Bravo A-List Awards which taped last night in NYC thanks to kick-arse NYC event website ChiChi212.com that I contribute to every once in a while. I'll give you one or two overall recaps of the A-List Awards, but I felt that Lauren Hutton absolutely needed her very own post.

Now keep in mind that these awards taped about almost 3-hours of footage, but they'll only be airing like 90 minutes, so I'm not sure what they will cut out in editing. However, let me tell you, the highlight of my night was watching Lauren Hutton win some Lifetime Achievement Award. First off, when they announce her name she just stands at the top of the stairs and keeps standing there until someone tells her to start walking down them. Then, she comes down the stairs like she's trying to balance herself walking a tightrope 7,500 feet off the ground. I immediately assume she's drunk, but brush it off as awkwardness. Oh, and then she starts talking. Now she claims she's really "tired" and has been up for 46 hours, but after she starts talking about taking 10,000 of the actual A-List Awards and putting them in one of the holes in the atmosphere, we all started to wonder what in the holy hell she was talking about. Then all of a sudden she kind of laughs and says that she's standing by what she just said. At this point of her never ending speech of randomness literally the entire place is all looking at each other and everyone has the moment of "Ohhhhh, she's on something, I get it now!" For the remainder of the speech she is all awkwardly putting the award up in the air and then behind her back and she just keeps swaying and fidgeting. Lauren also takes the time to tell us all the different things she can do with the award. It was great. I'm hoping they air it in its entirety, but something tells me they won't.

Dina Lohan Blows Off Bravo A List Awards

While the Bravo A-List Awards dragged on last night I began to wonder why I was still there. Then I hear the announcer say, "Ladies and gentlemen, Dina and Ali Lohan!" I perk up and psyched and actually say the words out loud, "I F'n love Dina." There I said it. I said it. I own it. I'm fine with it. Then Kathy Griffin comes out shaking her head. No Dina? Nope. Kathy told us that the class act that is Dina Lohan called at 3:00 to cancel her appearance. The red carpet started at like 5 and the show started taping around 7:00. I was so disappointed there was no Dina and Ali, but then Kathy decided that since they weren't there she was going to talk smack about them....and then did for about 5 minutes. It was great. They even placed placement card of Dina and Ali on chairs up in the front since they weren't there.

...In Other News...

Is this chick falling out of the sky or is Hugh Jackman tossing her 15 feet into the air. Regardless, who wears a 3-piece suit to the park? In other news...

~ Get Caught Up on Aniston's Recent Love Life ~ AgentBedHead
~ Alicia Key's Legs. Ok. ~ DSF
~ Poor Kirstie Alley ~ Websters
~ Hayden's Prom Dress ~ IDWYL
~ Sweet! Junkie Photos! ~ CS
~ Celebrity Then and Now of the Day ~ Ayyyy
~ Jolie Takes a Digger ~ PopBytes
~ Wait, Jessica Simpson is Doing Well? ~ POTP
~ Celebrity Boob Off! ~ NinjaDude
~ Drunken Lily Allen ~ Yeeeah

Harriet Carter: Snotty Kids & Bad Teeth

Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday! It's time to attack the kids again as well as poor people with bad hygiene because, let's face it, that's what this is all about. This week Harriet show some little bitch being a bitch, shows us how to smile, casts some more ugly kids in an ad, and classes up your wine tasting party. It's an action packed week. Check your soul at the door and let's go!Product #1 - Ugh. F you Dora. First off if I wanted some Spanish chick making me slush I'd buy it from the homeless senorita who seems to be parked outside of my apartment with a rusty shopping carriage and a set of spoons. And keep your gross monkey friend the hell away from the ice dispenser. That shit may meet your "tough" health code regulations in Purerto de las Montanas en las Sluts or wherever the hell you're from, but I'll take my frosty treat without the feces, thanks. Even these kids are pissing me off. The little boy is about two cherry slush's away from being jumped on the playground for practicing his "Dancing in the Rain" routine during recess and that little beast of a girl is ready to declare jihad on the entire kitchen. No joke, if I were her parents I'd watch her to see if she has a keen interest in roadkill because she's totally going to be a serial killer. Seriously, these two rich spoiled bitches certainly aren't making their own slush at home. Their cheating parents, I'm sure, would go out and buy them slush to make up for putting them in 24/7 daycare followed by 4 years of boarding school, I'd assume. Did anyone teach her some manners? I'd slap her upside the head with a wooden spaghetti sauce ladle for holding her spoon like a f'n caveman. And wipe that "little slut" smile off you're face. You're not being cute, you're being a bitch. There's a difference. And when you realize that you can't get that slush for your slush walking brother you'll start to resent men overall in your life and will, more than likely, develop a sex addiction and suffer from some form of eating disorder. You can have your slush WITHOUT the flavor juice, fatass. Too many calories. Wow. See you in hell for sure.
Product # 2 - Hey Sloth! Let me ask ya, how many rocks must you chew on a daily basis for your teeth to look like that? No really, 10 buckets per day? That's f'n disgusting. That shit doesn't just "happen" overnight. No no, you may chip a tooth here or there, but you get it fixed. You don't wait for all of your teeth to "break" before getting them looked at. And who the hell still has their baby teeth as an adult? Now I'm not a certified dentist, but you know what I heard can prevent this from happening to your teeth? Brushing them. I know! Too bad Harriet didn't zoom out on the face of this nasty ass person because I'm pretty sure if they did zoom out it would be Corky from "Life Goes On." When I have kids I'm going to show them this picture and tell them that's what happens to your teeth if you touch yourself in your "naughty places." What? If people believe half the crap that's in the Bible, surely they'll believe my parable. I'll even tell them that it's a historic picture of Mary Magdalen. And you know that whore was touching her biblical box for years. Where was I? Oh yeah. If you do have this tooth problem and you haven't already tossed your sorry ass off of an 18 story building you can totally get them fixed and for cheap! I'm pretty sure these are standard Mr. Potato Head teeth, which is great because if you buy the whole Mr Potato Head bucket you'll also get some cool yellow eyeglasses and sporty blue sneakers. This will totally be life changing. You'll probably finally be able to get a new job because they don't need people with "good teeth" at the movie theater any more. Hell no you're moving on up. You're heading straight for the DMV! Anyway, good luck with the smile Rocky Dennis.
Product # 3 - So, um does anyone know the name of the game those two kids are playing, because I don't. I'm too hypnotized by that kid's hairdo in the top of the picture. No joke, why are his parents combing his hair like those pale Polygamist Sect mothers that have been on TV lately? Seriously, if that hair goes any higher I'm going to be forced to call DSS and ask him if he's been sleeping in the "new wives bed" at the Polygamy compound in Texas. Gross. And how many foreheads does that kid have? Geesh. Save some foreheads for everyone else, selfish. Oh, and Ben Franklin would like it if you would kindly take off his bifocals and return them to the Smithsonian Institute in Washington. Jesus, I'd check to see if he needs stronger glasses for cripes sakes. The friggin game card is like 4 centimeters from his eyes, which are squinting by the way. He looks like one of those British judges that have to wear those big puffy white wigs and wears white face makeup. Really Harriet? There were no other kids in line at the audition? This was the one you chose? I'm sure it was all a mistake anyway. His parents probably saw a line formed outside and told him to stand in it and then hopped in the 1979 wood-panel station wagon and sped off. But no, you HAD to actually book the job, so now they're stuck with you. I'm sure the $100 Harriet paid you for the gig is going to your mother's crack habit anyway. Oh well, good luck to ya. You've officially been more successful than me. Oh, P.S. I'm pretty sure the other kid in the picture is picking his nose. No, no. No need to yell "cut" and make sure you get a good picture on the set of this photo shoot. No, just do it all in one take and hope for the best.
Product # 4 - Honestly. Why even bother buying it? There's not a chance in hell you have any friends who are coming over and will see it. And who the hell has "toy cheese" laying around the house? Why does everything always have to be funny? You know what, how about just having a door mat that is just a, oh I don't know, a door mat? And really, you'd place wine on the ground outside of the door? Really? On the ground? Classy. I mean, not that the message itself isn't classy. "You Open the Wine. I'll Cut the Cheese." Yeah. Funny. How about something like, "You Open the Wine. I Will Spray Explosive Diarrhea All Over Your God Damn White Kitchen Cabinets." Now that has a ring to it! Or, feel free to cater towards the women buyers as well. Maybe something like, "You Open the Wine. I Just Had My Period on Your Dining Room Chair. Will This 'Tide to Go' Stick Help With That?" Yeah, maybe that ones a little too long. Never mind I'll keep going. "You Open the Wine. I'll Pay For the Abortion." And then instead of cheese on the ground you can put a Cabbage Patch doll on the ground covered with ketchup. I'm gross. Ok, how about sending a message to your loved one. "You Open the Wine. Baby Tiffany Isn't Yours." Aww, that's sweet. How about something that rhymes? "You Open the Wine. I've Been F*cking Your Husband Every Monday/Wednesday/Friday Since We Were Juniors in College." That rhymes right? And finally, for the classy lady who's inviting her date over for the first time. "You Open the Wine. I Swallow." I mean, really, the options are endless. Thanks Harriet for calling me out on your carpet, literally.


Well folks that concludes another classy Harriet Carter Wednesday segment. See you next week...or in hell....whichever comes first.

Heidi and Spencer's Wedding

Heidi Montard and Steve Sanders were all child-like and carefree....and plastic and evil..while playing reindeer games all around Disneyland yesterday. Seriously, who goes to DisneyLAND anymore? DisneyWORLD is where it's at. Disneyland is so 70's and is probably filled with retro pedophiles. Anyway, Heidi and Steve Sanders spontaneously decided to ride the Toy Story interactive ride and surprisingly got their picture taken. I bet the little kids standing in line for that ride thought Heidi looked so real and lifelike. Sorry kids, she's a plastic robot.

The mentally-challenged duo even sported a Minnie Mouse wedding veil and a Mickey Mouse top hat and pretended they were getting married. That's totally how the real wedding is going be. Heidi will look rodent-like and Spencer will be a rat. That was my official "Disney Clean Joke of the Day." It was for the kids reading. You're welcome.

Ouch! Tough Break, Again, Aid Workers!

When there are hard-hitting worldly hot topics there's only once place go for the facts. Us Weekly! Well sorry, Aid Workers, because in a made up poll the majority of Americans do really see Angelina Jolie dating you. I know, tough break. As if being an Aid Worker you don't get enough shit. Now you need America to let you know that you basically could never get the likes of one Ms. Angelina Jolie. I can't wait for the follow up poll question that is probably, "Do You Think an Aid Worker Really Has a Penis Bigger Than 3 Inches?" Way to hit 'em where it hurts, Us Weekly.

I must, however, applaud the thousands of people who took the time to vote for this. No no, don't head out to the real polls and vote on something that matters. The Presidency will figure itself out. But you can totally do your part on making sure that people feel bad about themselves for not being able to been seen with Angelina Jolie. God bless America!

LeAnn Rimes Husband Let Down Again!

LeAnn Rimes and her wife were going for a little walk when all of a sudden he lifts up her skirt. LeAnn Rimes husband has allegedly tried this trick many times hoping and praying that a penis will be exposed, but it never is exposed. One day he'll lift up that skirt and some balls will drop. He's been committed to her for 6-years. How much longer must he wait?

Source It Up!

Audrina Does More Stuff, Shows Teeth

Audrina Patridge. What a national treasure! Audrina was at the Willow Springs Raceway in Rosamond, CA to show off the new Dodge Challenger. What a treat. Audrina did her part to help promote the new Dodge by doing such things as lifting up a green flag and sticking out her ass. I'd buy one. Her ass, I mean. Even Michelle Trachtenberg was there! How did they ever manage to get her!?

Anyway, in more interesting Audrina news....sorta....TMZ has reported that they overheard Audrina talking to her sister about possibly moving out of Lauren's guesthouse and how serious things are getting with her and Justin Bobby. It's like a mini Hills episode outside of a real Hills episode. I'm sure this is all spin, but it does seem a little early for rumors to create buzz around the new season. It doesn't start for like 70 more sleeps!

Eva Stole Jessica Simpson's Boobs

Ba-da-ba-ba-ba I'm lovin' it! Ok, so this is the last blog post I'm doing about the CFDA Awards last night in NYC. But, I had to make the exception with this one since Eva Longoria brought the goods out to the award show. I owe it to her boobs. I owe it to the American Public (tough luck, Canada). I owe it to myself. I'm pretty sure Eva somehow stuffed Jessica Simpson's boobs down her her shirt. I bet that Ken Paves dude has something to do with this. He's always with those two and probably stole Jessica's rack and passed it on to Eva. He's a tricky hair-cutterist?

Even though Eva's stomach is as flat as can be, her rack looks huge so I'm sure the "pregnancy rumors" will start flying after today. The next time someone snaps a picture of Eva exhaling they'll point to her "baby bump." Adios CFDA Awards. No mas por favor!

Move Over Tony Danza. The Real World Comes to Brooklyn!

Mrs. Rosini won't get a good night sleep for at least 4 months! The Real World Season 250 has finally found its location and it's pretty much in my backyard. The next drunken filled season of The Real World will be shot in Brooklyn and, ironically, may be shot at in Brooklyn. The cartoonish pictures above show the building that they'll be living in. Since these kids are extremely deserving of having nice things, they'll be living in the 6,000 sq foot, two floor penthouse that has 5 bedrooms, two terraces, and floor to ceiling windows. I'm sure they'll be very quiet and respectful of the other 100 families that live in the building. Shelling out a couple million for an apartment in the building will all be worth it once cameras and drunken whores are filling the hallways.

I'm psyched. Hopefully I'll run into these fools while they hop on the subway and head into the city. In case you'll be leaving the country and won't get to see the next season let me fill you in on what will happen. Drinking, followed by fighting, more drinking, sex with roomates, racial fights, drinking, rehab, drinking, fist fight, drinking, crying, sex with roomates, drinking. Oh, and then they'll drink.

Source It Up!

Hi You've Reached Ashley Olsen. I'm Either on the Phone or Away From My Desk. Please Leave a Message and I'll Return Your Call Shortly. Thanks.

Mary-Michelle-Ashley-Kate-Gibbler-Tanner-Olsen was technically at the CFDA Awards last night in NYC and was all creepy smiles, but by the looks of her she could have also been posing in front of Conference Room B (which is directly across from the fax machine). She's had a busy day "dialing for dollars" and has to give her big presentation to the head of the marketing department tomorrow. Hopefully her PowerPoint will be ready in time and she's worked out all the animation kinks too. Remember: smile, eye contact, approachable. Smile, eye contact, approachable. Wait, get it? She's dressed like a business woman. Fine. They're not all winners.

Anyway, I'm pretty sure that's the same suit that they buried Uncle Jesse's grandfather, Papouli, in when he died because his heart stopped. She probably dug him up and had his suit taken in 20 sizes smaller. Uncle Jesse? Is....it.....ok.....to......cry? Kill yourself, tramp.

Now, is Queen Latifah's Phone Working?

Hey there 'Tifah. Quick question. Now when you're calling Jenny is anyone actually answering? Because if it just keeps ringing and ringing I would either check the number and try your call again or I would just leave a message and have Jenny call you back. Don't feel slighted. We live in a fat ass nation and Jenny has a lot of calls to return.


Queen Latifah was spending a little downtime in South Beach, Florida the other day with her personal trainer. One part of me wants to keep making easy fat jokes, but then the other part of me says, you know what....good for her. I am also grateful that Queenie went for the one piece instead of the two piece.....but from the looks of it, it looks like she still can't put down the six piece. Holy shit I'm on fire. Ok, ok, Queen Latifah rules (some land, apparently) and I like people who put themselves out there and are comfortable in their own skin. Their own thick, thick skin.

Lil Kim's Nose is Easy, Breezy, Beautiful

Lil Kim was at the CFDA Fashion Awards last night in NYC and it looks like she dug into her bucket of Mr Potato Head spare parts and gave herself a new nose. It definitely looks better than the other new nose she recently had was very Michael/LaToya Jackson-like. Who knew you could bounce back from something like that!? Lil Kim is actually looking a lot better these days with that new nose and normal eyebrows again. Also, can you remove cheek implants because, if so, I'm pretty sure those were taken out too. Wait, this actually might just be Kimora Lee Simmons. Nope, I double checked. It's Lil Kim. Eh, good for her.

As a sidenote, Lil Kim won $500,000 in a lawsuit against former friend Lil Cease for using unauthorized use of her name and image in a DVD. Wow. $500K can buy a lot of new face parts. Oh, and can everyone stop calling themselves "Lil." I'm over it.

Hey Polygamist Sect! Back to Diddling!

Take a break from churning butter, Polygamy Sect, because now that you have all 430 of your children back at the compound you can all get back to focusing on what you do best, diddling and marrying underage girls! What a victory for all those families and those kids. Although, I'm a little concerned with how much these kids may have changed since being removed from the compound. They've probably been exposed to such things as bubble gum, The Hills, sugared cereals, and self tanner. They're totally going to rebel now that they're back. They'll probably start jumping rope in their pink cardboard dresses instead of their mandatory bluish green cardboard dresses. Yowza! Hang on to your oddly parted Conan O'Brien inspired hairdos because these kids are turning into absolute punks!

The family pictured above had just been reunited. No joke. Look how happy they all look! It doesn't look like that little girl is scared whatsoever. Even Papa Jeb pictured above looks like he's confused on who he should be screwing first. I mean there are 430 of them! It's like Papa Jeb just hit the pedophile lottery. Cherry, Cherry, Cherry!

Source It Up!

...In Other News...

Wow, Jada really lost her tan. In other news...

~ Back to Work for Jesse Spano ~ AgentBedHead
~ Jessica Alba is Such a Pig ~ DSF
~ Movie Awards Picture Palooza ~ Websters
~ Celebrity Puzzle Time! ~ Ayyyy
~ Personal MTV Movie Award Photos ~ Popbytes
~ Aguilera's New Mask ~ CS
~ Lohan Exposes Even More Freckles ~ POTP
~ Aniston Rack: Buy One Get One ~ NinjaDude
~ Britney Needs Some Support ~ CityRag
~ Denise Richards is Wicked Smart and Stuff ~ DListed

Lindsay Lohan's Magical Asthma!

Watch out behind you Lindsay! Freddie Kruger doesn't care if you're at the hospital due to asthma related symptoms....he'll slash your freckly ass!

Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Rotten had to stop by el hospital in NYC the other day and those zany paparazzi caught them in the act...of walking through the hospital door. Of course the rumors were flying and Blessed Mother Dinasaur Lohan came to the rescue via People Magazine.

This shit it great. Dinasaur defended her daughter and explained her late night hospital visit by saying, "She was losing oxygen. She couldn't breathe. She was afraid to go to the hospital because the paparazzi were gonna write about it. She was sick. If you were sick, and you're mother couldn't even take you to a hospital because paparazzi will fabricate some story, you know it's sad. It's really sad."

Holy spellcheck Dina! First off I am the WORST speller in the world, clearly. But if I was writing something to People Magazine, I would press F7 before sending out that letter and spell check it up!

Next up, for someone who is "losing oxygen" Lindsay looks pretty good to me. My guess is that Samantha Rotten was using some concoction of bleach, rubbing alcohol, paint thinner, and some sandpaper to try and remove over 16,000 of Lindsay's freckles and the mix of chemicals made them both ill. Either that or it was a "carpet" dye job gone bad. Maybe Samantha isn't into the red. Who knows. It's a matter of preference.

Finally, I do agree with Dina, though, on one point. I do remember when I was little and had the flu and my mother tried to take me to the hospital, but she couldn't because the paparazzi were following us so she sent me to go there with my dirty lesbian friend who looks eerily similar to Freddie Kruger. Oh wait, none of that happened. Dinasaur, you are brilliant story teller. Bravo!

Who Said That!?

The Hills Gang Back Together

It seems like everyday it's someones birthday on The Hills and they're always at LAX to celebrate. Why does LAX and Us Weekly blow The Hills so much? Regardless, the whole gang was there to celebrate Frankie Deltardo's big birthday with the exception of Heidi and Steve Sanders and, sadly, Whitney. Poor Whitney is never invited to anything. Eh, she's better off. Anyway, the most important cast of characters were there such as Audrina and Justin Bobby. What a real birthday treat!

Brody Jenner gave Lauren her very own strip tease and Lauren gives the reaction that no guy ever wants to see when he shows a little.....complete disgust and horror. I don't know why LC is acting all bashful. A little sexy sex will loosen her the F up and hopefully she's stop trying to control everyones life. Brody was also nice enough to make me spit out my Cheerios as his ass crack is hanging out. Looks like I'll skip breakfast today.

The other new regulars were there as well. LOser and Sandy Sanders made sure to stop for some photographs. Seeing LOser in black and white stripes made me hopeful that one day she would spend some time in jail. That would spice things up on The Hills. I mean, not that their conversations over ice cream aren't riveting, but watching LC and Audrina visiting LOser behind bars would surely draw in some extra viewers.

Anyway, happy Birthday Frankie! And you are........?

Hey Dean, Enjoying That Downtime Huh?

Remember when you were little and you and your school pals thought you'd "pull one over" on your 3rd grade teacher by putting a whoopie cushion on her chair so that when she sat down it would sound like she farted? Remember how you and your friends planned this all summer long and couldn't wait for the first day of school so that you could finally execute that plan? Remember how you always had that one friend that backed out at the last minute because he was too scared? Remember how that your plan was kinda cool at the time because you were, you know, like 9 yrs old? Well, if you tried to pull that sort of prank as an adult it would have turned into this....

Tori Spelling's husband hopped into his Range Rover and headed up to his second home, Robertson Boulevard, and parked it across the street from Lisa Kline with the paparazzi snapping photos. Oh boy, wait for this. Once he got out he helped "Tori" out of the car, but when "Tori" got out "she" looked more like the mother from Psycho. Well, that's because....wait for it....wait for it....it WASN'T Tori....it was a girl with a blond wig and a fake baby bump! Who in the what!?! Dean's friend took off the wig, exposed her red hair, and everyone laughed. Score! Dean totally punk'd the paparazzi. So, um, you're really enjoying your downtime Dean...aren't ya? Yowza. I'd try to go and do one of those "auditions" that actors typically try to go to. I hear they're fun.

Audrina Patridge's Striped Vagina!

We've seen Audrina's boobs before and her bum bum, but we have yet to see her "gentlmen greeter" area....until now. Audrina took her dead eyes and teeth to a photoshoot the other day and was getting out of her Escalade when...oooops.....she exposed a little. Now 99.99999% of people are saying it's only her underwear she's showing, but not me. Nope. I've always imaged Audrina's vagina to be multi-colored and striped and that is, in fact, what we see here today. Perhaps the multi-colored vagina is the new "it thing" that all the kids are going to start doing. Aurdina has always been a trendsetter, so this only makes sense.

Audrina's boobs - Check!

Audrina's ass - Check!

Audrina's teeth - Check!

Audrina's multi-colored striped vagina - Check!

Is there a BINGO in the house? A BINGO in the house? Congratulations! Now come up here and pick up your BINGO prize which is, of course, a troll doll.

Source It Up!

Me Gusta Halle Berry. Gracias.

Me gusta Halle Berry. I do me gusta. Halle Berry was shopping in Malibu the other day and being courteous enough to stop and sign some autographs, which got me to thinking. Why do people want autographs? Besides the people that sell them for profit, the idea of autographs is baffling to me. Is that lady going to go home and tell her friends, "Look at this napkin. See those scribbles? That's Halle Berry's name. She spelled it all by herself!" Who cares really? First it's autographs and the next thing you know this lady is in the bathroom stall next to Halle and asking her for her crap-stained toilet paper. Frame that shit and hang it in your game room. Just a thought.

Hang on a Second

I didn't know Samantha Ronson had a twin sister?