Thursday, July 31, 2008
Wow. Who's this chick with the bag? Is she Jennifer Aniston's assistant? Friend? On call Debbie Downer? Either way someone needs to tell her that if she's trying to prevent photographers from getting pictures of Jennifer Aniston's face she's gonna need to move her bag about 3 feet north of where it currently is. Perhaps Jennifer Aniston told her to make sure no one take any pictures of her space about 1 foot south of her rack. I mean, the possibilities are endless....or there's only two possibilities. It's hard to even follow what I'm talking about at this point.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
~ Guess Who's Randomly Hosting the VMAs? ~ ABH
~ Marisa Miller in a Bikini Just Because ~ DSF
~ Celebrity Trucker Hat Debate ~ Websters
~ Lindsay and Her Sexy Cancersticks ~ Ayyyy
~ Paris Hilton's Insanely Large Feet ~ CS
~ LC is an F'n Mess ~ POTP
~ Don't Sass My Olsen! ~ IDWYL
~ Judge Judy Fled Like a Bat Out of Hell! ~ NinjdaDude
Praise Jesus, y'all! Finally something between Britney's legs that won't try to take her money! I mean that dude on the other horse is totally going to mug her as soon as she dismounts, but that's a given. It's Mexico. If they're not trying to tell you a wooden duck that they carved on the beach, they're robbing you. There, I said it. Oh I'm just kidding. They sell Chiclet's to you too.
Product # 1 - You know what's missing in my shower every morning? Money. You guessed it! I shower every day (almost) and wonder why I'm not getting paid for this. What am I a caveman? Well now thanks to the scientists at Harriet Carter they've discovered a way to add money to....wait for it.....wait for it.....soap! I know! All you need to do is wash your skanky body every day. Rub it really good over places such as your ass, boobs, penisitis, vaginastein, and that special area in between your bum and "front privates" where only Santa, the tooth fairy, and baby Jesus can see. You'll be rich in no time. Just hope that the money doesn't fall out when you're taking that one last swipe up your bum crack or your new dollar bill could totally have skid mark surprise! Be sure to let the clerk at the local drug store know when you're paying for your items that some of the money you're giving her has been all over your body. If she gets crabs she can now bet on where it came from! Please be sure to be extra cautious when cleaning your diggleberry or your "hoo hoo hee heee ting tang walla walla bing bang" that you don't accidentally get a paper cut. A paper cut on your donkey kong jr or your gentlemen greeter is a mistake you only make once, right folks? Thanks Harriet for literally paying me to clean my junk. I give this product 2 penises up (and a little to the left)!
Product # 2 - Having a tough time on deciding what to bring to your friends next summer BBQ? Well wonder no longer because now you have the perfect gift to bring a lot to absolutely any event you're invited to. A propane tank! Alright! Now you no longer have to awkwardly carry your propane tank like a retarded squirrel trying to carry some rotten nuts back to his tree. Simply place your propane tank into what I like to call its "Terrorist Jacket" and carry it off to the party. While everyone else is boasting about their boring spinach dip and colorful, yet moldy, fruit salad, you'll be able to show them your propane tank and blow up the whole god damn party all at the same time! Are you new to terrorism? Are you a little leery of dying along with the crowd? Not really buying that "promise" that you'll be greeted in heaven by 17 virgins? Well don't feel excluded from you other terrorist buddies any longer because thanks to this handy dandy carrying strap you can swing that propane tank around like you're performing the hammer toss at the Olympics right from the comfort of your very own backyard! And, wherever it lands guess what? Jihad! Ole! That's part of the real fun, especially if you don't have anyone specific you want to target. Even feel free to chant this little terrorist diddy whilst throwing your tank: "Round and round and round she goes, where she stops nobody knows, I declare jihad!" Thanks, Harriet, for making terrorism fun again!
Product # 3 - Hey there Willy Whistle! Like blowing things made of stiff wood? Yeah sure, we knew you would. From the looks of ya, you should start practicing early because you're gonna have a lot of wood in your mouth when you get older. Sure ma and dad are trying to make it into a fun game for you by telling you it's a "musical instrument" but it starts with that wooden flute and next thing you know they're sending you to Grandpa's apartment for a little "whistle blowing" in his old rusty flute. And you know that dust is coming out of that thing. Hmm, I think I may have just crossed a line I never knew I had. Who knew I had boundaries? Apparently not. Anyway, this kid will be the live of the party with his wooden instrument that, somehow, makes magical cartoon notes appear right before his very own green screen! Who needs video games and sports when you there is plenty of wood around the house that needs playing! I would suggest inserting yourself into your own locker. It'll save time and the bullies will really appreciate you being proactive.
Halle Berry clearly dropped all of her baby weight, stuffed her rack-attack into an Obama t-shirt and hauled her ass out for a little shopping in Century City yesterday. Whatever Halle's boobs tells me to do I'm totally doing. Get caught robbing a store? Simply answer "Halle's boobs made me do it" and the police will quickly let you go with a soft pat on the back. Clearly Halle is voting for Obama. No word yet on who her cameltoe will be voting for. Perhaps a write-in.
"The house was built in January 2005, after Atlanta-based Beazer Homes USA and ABC's "Extreme Makeover" demolished their old home and its faulty septic system. Within six days, construction crews and hoards of volunteers had completed work on the largest home that the television program had yet built.
The finished product was a four-bedroom house with decorative rock walls and a three-car garage that towered over ranch and split-level homes in their Clayton County neighborhood. The home's door opened into a lobby that featured four fireplaces, a solarium, a music room and a plush new office.
Materials and labor were donated for the home, which would have cost about $450,000 to build. Beazer Homes' employees and company partners also raised $250,000 in contributions for the family, including scholarships for the couple's three children and a home maintenance fund."
I'd totally take the kids scholarship money. If that didn't work I'd call Oprah and demand she give me money. If that didn't work I'd turn my wife into the porn industry and use my kids as drug mules. There would be no way I'd give up that house. Screw you, Ty. Screw you and that damn megaphone.
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Tuesday, July 29, 2008
~ The Godfather is Pissed at Batman ~ ABH
~ Shauna Sand and Some Fat Dude ~ DSF
~ Fergie Suffers from Hookerfoot ~ Websters
~ So Blake Lively is What, 50...60? ~ CS
~ Amber Tamblyn Trash Bag Ass ~ Ayyyy
~ Pammy Pants Anderson Does Reality ~ PB
~ Paris and BF Dress Alike ~ POTP
~ More Traveling Pants Crap ~ INO
~ Richard Simmons, Pantless ~ DListed
Lindsay is a little teapot. She's a little freckled teapot. She's a pale little teapot with freckles. And you know, you know, Sam Rotten is totally going to tip her over and pour her out when Linds gets all steamy. Yeah she will. Yeah she will. She'll pour Lindsay's tea in her Freddie Kruger hat. Yeah she will. Yeah she will. Ok, I don't know what that last one meant.
Lindsay Lohan, her paste white legs, her freckles, and Samantha Rotten enjoyed a nice and sunny lunch in NYC at Bar Pitti. After the meal Lindsay and Sam enjoyed coffee and a cigarette. And totally know that Lindsay must have taken a huge freckly dump minutes after the cigarette. The poor patrons at Bar Pitti. Speaking of which, have you have been to Bar Pitti? I've been 4 times. Technically I only ate their once, the other 3 times I couldn't be seated for over 2 hours. Oh, and they don't accept credit cards...or checks...or seashells. Good luck trying to pay the bill without money. They tend to not like that.
I wish I was at the table next to Lindsay, who was taking a break from filming Ugly Betty, and Sam. I would have just looked at them the whole time and tried to get into their conversation. I would have been like, "Hey, what are you guys talking about? Lesbian stuff?" Or maybe as they were talking I would have just interrupted and been like, "Dina what?" If none of that worked I would have picked up my cell phone and would have been like, "Hey Ali. Yeah, I'm good, how are you? I like the new song. Oh, hold on I have a beep. Hello? Hey Dina, what up!" That totally would have messed with Linds. Then when Linds asked who I was talking to I would just say, "Ugh. Can I just have some privacy please. I'm a person too, you know!" Wow I'm a tool.
Please note, that there were 3 people who contributed to this. 1. A writer from Spin Magazine. 2. A writer from NY Magazine. 3. IBBB. That's right Mo' Fo's I was good enough. You know those other two writers are pissed I was included. Traded down for them! I will now sit back patiently and wait for the offers to pour in. I will push Best Week Ever to the top of the list. Followed by Chelsea Handler/Chelsea Lately. Followed by probably being knighted by the Queen. Crickets. Crickets. Crickets.
So, be sure to check out The MTV Blog by clicking here and show your love for their site and for my brilliant comments. There will be 3 more crapisodes in the next 3 weeks which I've provided my insight to. Stay tuned.
Thanks MTV. You're Greeeeeeeat!*
Monday, July 28, 2008
~ Brendan Fraser's Hair is Messing With Us ~ ABH
~ Like We Didn't Know the Kardashian's Feed Their Ass McDonald's ~ Websters
~White Britney in White Bikini ~ DSF
~ Red Headed Celeb Puzzle ~ Ayyyy
~ Big Brother Wrap Up ~ CS
~ Hayden's Clean Hands ~ IDWYL
~ Spencer Loves Heidi ~ PB
~ Matty Mc Tans His Kid ~ POTP
~ Miley Sweet as Candy ~ NinjaDude
~ Mindy McCready Te Gustas el Drugs ~ FB
~ Winehouse is Cured! ~ Yeeeah
Ow! Ow! Britney Spears headed to Cabo San Lucas over the weekend for a little rest, relaxation, and cigarette breaks with George Maloof, owner of the Palms Hotel in Vegas and one of the producers to blame for the Living Lohan show. Seriously was the paparazzo that took these pictures parasailing over Britney's hotel? Creepy.
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Yeah! Lauren Cockring is 2 for 2 in the past week for me. Last week she appeared all sloppy drunk and hot. Now, we have pictures of Lauren doing a little shopping yesterday dressed like a cowgirl. I like it. She's totally that girl who puts on her cowgirl themed outfit, heads on out to The Saddle Ranch in LA, and is double-fisting Bud Lights while slurring the words to "Save a Horse Ride a Cowboy." See, now I'm getting sidetracked thinking of LC riding a bull. Ok, I'm back.
Finally, a reason to go to Atlantic City! Marisa Miller was paid to host her supermodel ass off at The Pool at Harrahs in Atlantic City over the weekend. Me gusta Maris Miller y me gusta la lapiz tambien. I'm not sure what the second half of that meant, but point being IBBB needs more of Marisa Miller. I don't care that she's my age has already been married and divorced and married again. My standards have been lowered to about grasshopper jumping level.
Friday, July 25, 2008
Thursday, July 24, 2008
It's been a while since we've seen Lauren Conrad a bit on the tipsy side. Oh, and by "tipsy" side I really mean "3-sheets to the wind." LC and the gang were out enjoying themselves at Crown Bar last night. Lauren made sure to put on her best Target palm-tree themed anti-mold shower curtain because if she was going to puke on herself she certainly wanted to make sure it wasn't going to stain. At least Lauren did the right thing and didn't get behind the wheel herself. Nope, she slumped into the back seat as someone drove her ass home.
Happy 10th birthday Bindi, you little bitch, happy birthday! The always lovable and never annoying Bindi celebrated the big day in Australia at the Australia Zoo on the Sunshine Coast. Bindi and her mom, who really got dressed up for occasion, had a cake made with a photo of Steve Irwin placed right...on....top....of the cake. I'm sure Bindi felt happy, lucky, and so excited just to be blowing out the candles in front of hundreds of onlookers, most of whom where probably filthy pedophiles. Eh, I'm sure this is just the first in a long line of occasions when Bindi will be on her knees blowing something. I mean, this career as a jungle girl can't last forever and she's gonna need to make ends meet somehow! Bitch.
New first time mom, Jodie Sweetin and her husband, enjoyed a night out on the town while they had dinner at Hollywood hot spot, Koi. Damn! Looks like Jodie lost all of that baby weight. It also looks like Jodie lost a little something else and I can't put my finger on it. Does her nose look different? Does she have less chin? Has her old meth addiction somehow rearranged her face? Hmm, I can't seem to figure it out.
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