Thursday, November 27, 2008

Happy Thanksgivingmas!

Happy Thanksgivingmas to you and yours! For those of you reading IBBB from different, less desirable countries, Thanksgiving is an American holiday where we all celebrate Jesus sailing to the United States of America on the Nina and seeing his shadow on the 3rd day. From there he created the Easter bunny and one-day sales all across our great country. So raise your glass of Crystal Pepsi and give thanks to Santa Christ for such a lovely day!
This year I am grateful for: The Hills getting picked up for a 5th season, endless white-trash Harriet Carter products, and my switch from vodka tonic to vodka soda.
This year I am not grateful for singing "Reunited" by Peaches and Herb with my friend at a bar last night. I am not grateful for the cold I have. I am not grateful for drunken emails and/or text messages.
The end. F'n gobble gobble.



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Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Harriet Carter Wednesday: This Thanksgiving I am Most Thankful for Harriet Carter and No Lawsuits

Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday and Thanksgiving Eve. There were hardly any Thanksgiving related products in the Harriet Carter catalog, which helps proves my hypothesis that Harriet and her family have sex with turkeys. Mystery solved. This Thanksgiving week, Harriet helps clean up your yard, fixes your rack and ass, and keeps your safe from scary burglars this holiday season. Let's go!Product # 1 - Are you a serial killer in training? I know I am! If you like to mess with all of God's creatures on a regular basis does Harriet have the product for you! All you need to do is simply place this animal exorcism kit on your tree and just wait for the neighborhood dog to come running onto your property. Within seconds "man's best friend" will hear an "ear splitting sound" that will chase Sparky off your property like an alter boy running from Father O'Malley after mid-night mass. I, of course, will be taking this contraption a step further and will be installing the "Animal Chaser" onto my belt. I will then take a trip to the zoo and simply walk around and see how the animals do. I'll also alter it so that not only do animals hear these earsplitting sounds, but the homeless as well. Watching animals chasing the homeless out of my neighborhood is more cost effective and humane than anything that a neighborhood watch could do. Thanks, Harriet, for putting an end to "dog mess" and the homeless.


Product # 2 - Is your cartoon ass getting too big? How 'bout your cartoon gut? Is your cartoon rack falling down to your cartoon belt that doesn't go all the way around your cartoon waist? If you answered "F you" to any of these questions then Harriet may have solved all of your horrific body image issues that you may have. Introducing the Body Slimmer. Don't put down the second helping of ice cream, fat ass, just jump into the Body Slimmer and kiss your problems good-bye. The actual real life model must have purchased the fancy Body Slimmer because she has hers embroidered with two snowflakes over each rack and a summer flower on her gut. What a real treat for the lucky guy who gets to bring her home after the bar and undress her and find all this mess hiding under her blouse. Unleashing the beast has never been so fun. How come they insist on using cartoon drawings for before and after photos? Now did the Body Slimmer really help the "after" cartoon drawing...or did they just simply not draw a gut, fat ass, and droopy rack on the "after?" I'm going with the second scenario. And you know what? If the "after" has a flat stomach and perky knockers, but is still dressed like Ann Romano from One Day at a Time, I'm just going to pass, but thanks nonetheless




Product # 3 - Ding dong! I wonder who's at the front door? If only there was a wireless camera that I could install for $19.99 that would allow me to see if there was a creepy man grinding his teeth and pushing his eyebrows down at the door. Oh wait, there is? Thanks Harriet! I'd like to send some helpful tips to all the future burglars out there. (1) Stop grinding your teeth at the front door and just stand there expressionless. It will increase the chances that the homeowner will at least open the door. (2) If you see a house with flowers directly in front of the front door blocking you from ever reaching the doorbell, perhaps move on. I bet it's a trap. (3) Probably not the best idea to try to rob a house during the day. Consider doing it at night, as it will be more difficult for the homeowner to see your facial expression. (4) If the mail slot is about 3 inches from the ground, the doorknob is about 1 inch wide, and the lock is about 6 feet above the said doorknob, I would move onto another house because it's likely this is just a cartoon house which, in turn, will only have cartoon stuff inside. Worthless. (5) No one lives at "3" on their street. Just saying. Thanks, Harriet, for retraining potential burglars. Ole!

Get all caught up on Harriet Carter Wednesday and have a horrific cry over the latest and worst Harriet Carter products at the new ImBringingBloggingBack.com

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

...In Other News...

Me gusta Gabrielle Union. Gabrielle BloggingBack. That has a nice ring to it. Gabrielle Union attended the LA premiere of Cadillac Records. That'll be all. In other news....

~ Celebrity Bedhead Hall of Shame ~ ABH
~ Paris Hilton Shall Burn in Hell ~ Websters
~ Listen to Britney's Album Over at CelebritySmack ~ CS
~ Angela Bower in a Trash Bag ~ Ayyyy
~ More on Heidi and Steve Sanders Wedding ~ POTP
~ Amanda Bynes is Not Hot. That's All ~ IDWYL
~ Winehouse Back on the Market! ~ FB
~ ScarJo and Lohan Not the Friends ~ ND

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The Jodie Sweetin Divorce = IBBB's Opportunity



After receiving an alarming number of emails from readers and phone calls from friends, IBBB has be alerted that Stephanie Tanner has officially split from her husband. According to a close friend, Mr. Bear is a two-timing bastard.

Jodie StepOnMe Tanner Sweetin has filed papers late last week in Orange Country, CA for legal separation from her husband of 16-months.

Seriously, this better not put a wrench in the reality show plans or I'm going to be really pissed. Perhaps this is just part of the reality-show storyline. Either way, I'm in the process of packing up my bags and heading out to LA to finally get my chance at (1) Sweetin (2) Be Part of the Reality Show (3) Kidnap Mr. Bear (4) Try to orchestrate a Full House reunion (5) Rub all of this in Kimmy Gibbler's face.

If Stephanie Judith Tanner Chung ends up getting an actual divorce hopefully she'll follow in the same footsteps of her chunky sister, DJ, and get divorced by walking backwards around the kitchen table. If it works for Greek weddings it should work for Jodie.

What a terrible time. Someone dig up Papouli and see if he can fix this crap. How rude!

Source It Up!

The Hills Recap: Audrina's Mental Breakdown: A Very Special Episode of "The Hills."












Grab your nap mats, boys and girls, because Mother Goose has written one f'd up crapisode of The Hills this week. Perhaps the least scripted episode yet, Audrina must have been chewing on some toys that were shellacked with lead paint and delivered from China because she pretty much goes bat sh*t crazy. With Thanksgiving just a couple of days away, I am most thankful for this episode. Let's see just exactly went down last night on The Hills:
  • Audrina's co-worker, Alanis Morrisette, still doesn't realize she's on national television and shows up on camera without a stitch of makeup on. She makes Kelly CUNTrone look like a beauty pageant contestant. Oddrina informs Alanis (and her puffy bangs) that she heard that Lauren and Justin Bobby hooked up. Alanis reacts like she just heard the news that it was all a big mistake and John McCain really won the election (political reference = 1 point). Whilst Oddrina starts to cry Alanis sorta awkwardly hugs her for about 2 nano seconds and just says, "you'll be fine." After those words of wisdom she literally says, "I can't give you any more advice than that." Wow! Thanks, Alanis, alllll better! I'm sure she could give a little more advice. Perhaps something like, "File down your teeth about 1 inch, if you have the time and money." See? Now that could have helped too.

  • Oh crap! Lauren better change the sheets because LOser is going to orgasm all over them when LC tells her how crazy Audrina is.

  • Know how I know this crap is sorta real? Lauren looks like crap, that's how. Whilst she's freaking the F out on LOser, she looks a mess. She looks like she just chased the talent monster all around her backyard and lost. Oh, and her mustache is back too! I'm also thankful for that this Thanksgiving.

  • As Lauren continues on her rant she practices things like "sarcasm" and says that she did hook up with J Bob because of how charming he is and how wonderful is personal hygiene is. Oh Lauren, those classes at FIDM-OPP-PYT are really starting to pay off! Not for nothing, but before she bashes Justin Bobby's impeccable character I have 4 words for Lauren: Jason Wahler.

  • HOlly Ethel Mertz Montag stops by Casa de Chin to chat it up with Heidi, but to no surprise she's not there. Know who is there? Yup, Steve Sanders. He's making toast. This scene makes me want to pistol whip my TIVO. Seriously who fights like this? Who fights monotone? I would be swearing, talking smack about his mother, and I'd probably throw a bucket of water on him while he unplugged the toaster.....but that's just me. Perhaps everyone else has different fighting tactics.

  • Oddrina heads over to Lauren's house and when Oddy knocks Lauren just yells "The doors open." Note to stalking self: Don't break into Lauren's home, just knock.

  • Oddrina and Lauren just stand in her kitchen in awkward silence and filthy smirks. I'm pretty sure Lauren is reading the manual to her microwave.

  • Audrina asks Lauren if she hooked up with Justin Bobby. Lauren looks off to where the producers stand, probably to make sure they're ok with Audrina's potty mouth. I like the swearing....makes it more real. I am hoping that one day we even will get a "I'm sorry can you stop filming this right now" as one of them runs out of the apartment/off the set.

  • Oh Jesus. It's those tools again from The Aftershow. What the hell is that dude, Dan, wearing for a shirt? Where's his other collar and why are all the buttons to the right? Remember that episode of The Cosby Show when Denise made Theo that knock-off designer shirt and it was all jacked up? Yeah, well that's what Dan's shirt looks like. I miss that show. I miss scripted television. I miss those jazz episodes where the whole Cosby clan would perform lip-synced songs for the grandparents on their stairs. Better days, better days.
  • Seriously, someone hand Audrina a green umbrella because I think she's going "Britney crazy." She's calling Justin Bobby for the 15th time and looks like she left him some crazy messages in the past. She. Is. Nuts.

  • HOlly Ethel Mertz Montag goes by to visit Heidi at "work." It's nice to see Heidi back in an empty cube and it's even nicer that HEMM called her out for not having an office. As a sidenote, what in the Christmas Christ is Heidi wearing to work? And why is HEMM dressed like a part time business woman/part time stay at home mom from the late 80's?

  • We are lucky enough to know just exactly what Audrina's crazy-train messages were to J Bob because J Bob let's us all know while he drinks wine at the random bar that he and Oddrina are at. Apparently it was something along the lines of: "You f'n a-hole...I f'n hate you.....you f'n used me!" Sweet. I heart Audrina's f-words fighting style!

  • J Bob peaces out of "drinks" with Oddy because he's nuts, but realizes that Oddrina is even crazier than him.

  • No joke, this rumor this is f'n stupid. If they were going to do something this stupid, they should have gone all the way with it. Audrina should have called her father and been like, "Hey Dad, yeah, I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus...underneath the mistletoe last night."

  • Wow! Heidi must need a time machine to make it home from work because not only is she wearing a completely different outfit, but even her hair is crimped. Isn't this supposed to "later that day" after HOlly Ethel Mertz Montag confronted Heidi at work? And, seriously, why am I even bother recapping any scenes with Heidi and Steve Sanders anymore? They can faux-fight all they want and make it seem like Heidi is going to eventually dump him, but now that they're married this is all even dumber. More dumb? Dumbest? Dumberest? Most dumb? Wicked stupid.

  • Finally, Audrina and Lauren try to figure this whole rumor thing out, with LOser, at a crowed and noisy bar. There's some random chick in the background just looking at them. If that was me I would have been like, "Are you guys ad-libbing these scenes?"

  • Oddrina also accuses Lauren of flirting with Justin Bobby in the past to which Lauren replies that she'd rather kill herself than hook up with him. 2 points for Lauren, but I'm taking one point away because the candle-light is making her under eye wrinkles, forehead wrinkles, and mustache really scare me.

  • 2 points go to Audrina for telling Lauren that she's doing the same thing to her that she did to Heidi. Although, I hate to be a stickler, but I'm taking a point away for the side profile of Audrina's teeth. I'm sorry you guys but she needs to learn a valuable teeth lesson and I'm here to teach her that lesson.

  • 3 points goes to LOser, just because. No points taken away. Sue me.

  • 1 additional point to Lauren for crying this time with out all the makeup running down her face.

  • And the winner is.......the terrorists! They win because I watch this show.

On the next crapisode of The Hills, the rumor fight continues.....yawn....BUT Nana Pratt is in town and I have one week to come up with a crapload of new jokes about this!

Monday, November 24, 2008

I Now Pronounce You "Mr and Mrs. Santa Pubes." You May Kiss Us Weekly.

Let me just say that I've probably taken 4 days off from the blog in the past 2 years. Of course, of course, I would take the day off when Heidi, her new chin, her new boobs, her new nose, her fake hair, would marry Spencer/Steve Sanders and his Santa pubes. Of course I would not find out about this until the end of the day.
I just have 2 words for Heidi and Steve Sanders. "Thanks for inviting me to the secret wedding. I'm sure Us Weekly was there, on their knees, filming the whole thing and holding the cue cards."
Anychin, the two natural blonds eloped in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico on November 20th. I wonder if Frankie Delgado let them get married in his backyard?
By the way, here is what Steve Sanders vows were: "Heidi, from the moment you came into my life, I knew my life would never be the same without you. You are the light in my life like the sun to the earth! Your loving warmth makes me want to be a better person. Being with you, I feel complete. I'm honored to even be able to call you my wife. You are the most amazing, loving and caring woman on this planet. I will love you forever and always."
Mmmm sweet. I'm pretty sure "you are the light in my life" is the name of a song. I'm pretty sure "...makes me want to be a better person" was from that Jack Nicholson/Helen Hunt movie. And I'm pretty sure that "I feel complete" was also from a late 90's movie.
No word yet on what Heidi's vows were, but rumor has it Heidi said something along the lines of "Ow Spencer! Get your hand out of my ass....it hurts when I talk." I'm trying to get that verified.
Darlene Montag was not at the wedding and was not supportive of it. When Heidi called to give her a heads up, Darlene thought she was calling to tell her they had broken up. Oh snap! Hopefully Darlene will get revenge by shooting Heidi's horse on Main Street of Crested Butte.

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Source It Up!

Friday, November 21, 2008

...In Other News...

I like how because Britney has lost a little weight and hasn't worn 4 different wigs in the past few months that people say "she's back!" I also like how her rack is trying to escape her vest while she attends a screening of her upcoming MTV documentary. In other news...

~ George Clooney Attempting to Play a Dance Form of Basketball ~ ABH
~ Is That a 3rd Olsen? Shecky Olsen, Perhaps? ~ Websters
~ A Britney Commercial ~ CS
~ Brandy Lost Pieces of Her Pants ~ Ayyyy
~ How Much Does Madonna Get to Keep? ~ POTP
~ What's Wrong With Tisdale? ~ IDWYL
~ Paris is Back on the Market. Hide Your PeePee ~ FB
~ Ronson Will Kill You ~ DSF

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Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz Have a Baby Named Bronx. J Lo, Likely, Pissed.



Ashlee Simpson and her husband, whom she had to marry after getting knocked up, Pete Wentz, welcomed a 7 lb, 11 oz baby boy named Bronx Mowgli Wentz or "BMW" for douche/short.

Bronx? Saint Jennifer Lopez de las Bronx is going to be bullsh*t! How dare someone else try to force you to think of them instead of J Glow when you hear the word "Bronx." Heads will roll. Or chins will roll. Either way, something will be rolling.

It has been rumored that whilst in the hospital Ashlee pretended to be screaming during child birth, but it was really another woman in the background doing the screaming. Once that lady stopped screaming, Ashlee got embarrassed and just began a ho-down right in the middle of the labor and delivery room and then walked out.


Hey Stupids! Gotta Question for IBBB?

A spinoff of "Spencer's Busy...Let IBBB Take a Message," IBBB is proud to present you with another installment of "Hey Stupids! Gotta Question for IBBB?" Here's how this works. You have a question or need advice, you send me an email. I read it. I advise. Sometime, depending on my mood, I advice as well. Here are some recent questions/comments I've received. The names have been changed to protect the trashy.


Dear IBBB,
I am just wondering why you never cover the Girls Next Door? I always find myself disappointed when you turn slack and I find out my celebrity trash gossip from another source, your rude and sometimes obscene depiction of gossip always makes me smile more than the 'matter of fact' ones!
Signed,
Nosy Claus


Dear Nosy Claus,
Wow. The nerve on you. If I ever see you on the streets of New York I will give you the spanking of your life for calling me out on "slacking." Now I'm not sure what you look like so therefore I'm going to have to just start giving spankings to random people on the street in hopes that it will one day be you. I mean, at this point, it's a numbers game. Anyway, I'm not TIVO so stop treating me like I am and trying to humiliate me in front of the other readers. I don't go to your office and tell you that your Excel spreadsheets should have all the numbers centered in each cell and not defaulted to the right, do I? They should, by the way. Ok, well I hope I answered your question.

Go Recap Your Mother,
IBBB

Dear IBBB,
I love your sense of humor and wit and was hoping you could help me come up with some great ideas for Christmas gifts this year? Help!!!!

Signed,
Sue Who


Dear Sue Who,
Uh, only one exclamation point was needed. Not four. Anyway. Sweetie, did no one tell you the news? Oh, I'm sorry. Santa Claus has died. Yes. Thanks to all the gas your SUV uses he died from Global Warming Poisoning. It's a real thing. Look it up. As far as gifts go maybe just print out some of your charming emails and stuff them in their stockings. They'll be as happy as I was when I opened your email. There's 45 seconds I'll never get back.

You're the Worst,
IBBB


Dear IBBB,
I've been following your site for 2 years now and love it. I LOVE The Hills recaps the best. It's my favorite thing to read all week. What are you going to do when The Hills goes off the air?

Signed,
Concerned

Dear Concerned,
Well thanks for bursting my balloon, skank. What are you gonna do when your grandfather dies? See? How does that feel? Why would you ask me such a morbid question? Rude. Anyhills, I'm glad you read my site everyday and not just on Hills Recaps Tuesday. I hate those people who do that. And you know who you are! The Hills will never go off the air, but if it does I will start to film episodes myself and then recap those episodes. I will be 92 years old and on my death bed hooked up to life support, but I'll be filming scenes with the nurse who I will force to play Heidi and will have my seeing-eye-pony typing on my laptop. I'm depressed now. Never write me again.

R.I.P,
IBBB

Gotta question for IBBB? Email it. Or don't. Either way, I'm not losing sleep over this.

I Haven't Mentioned Poshtoria Spiceham in a While



Ok fine, so I really just needed an excuse to say "Poshtoria Spiceham," but I realized that I hadn't referenced her in a while so it's a win-win.

Poshtoria Spiceham put on her best stone-washed-jeans dress and DJ Tanner headband and headed out to the Allure Magazine Cover Party for her "friend" Eva Longoria at Beso restaurant in Los Angeles, CA. "Los Angeles" is Spanish for "The Angels." Thanks Dora!

Poshtoria Spiceham's boobs look like two midget Daddy Warbucks stuffed into her dress. Just an observation. Feel free to make your own.

I have nothing else to say.


And You Know That the Security Machine Beeped Every Time Heidi Walked Through!



Heidi and Steve Sanders were heading out of LAX to an unknown destination. I'm assuming they're flying to Crested Butte so that they can cook up and eat Heidi's horse for Thanksgiving just like the Pilgrims did in 1492. Perhaps my math is wrong.

Anyway, I wonder how many times the security machine beeped when Heidi walked through? I mean, you can take off your belt and remove the change from your pockets, but I don't think it's as easy to remove your new chin, nose, and boobs right there whilst you're in line.

As a side note, aren't you supposed to take off your shoes when walking through security? Is this a real airport or is this like a "Hills airport?" Ugh. It's probably the same set they use for Stephanie Pratt's apartment.

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This Time Last Year: How Father Time Stole Teri Hatcher

Happy Friday and welcome back to everyones favorite lazy segment called "This Time Last Year." This Time Last Year will take a brief look at what was going on in the celebrity world...this time last year (go figure). Oh, and also I'm lazy so this is pretty easy to do on a Friday. Here's what was going on with scary pants Teri Hatcher ...this time last year...

Now I'm not technically sure if Teri Hatcher is mimicking The Grinch or if The Grinch is mimicking Teri Hatcher. Either way, they look like twins (1-step up from Olsen Twins). Why does Father Time seem to be punking Teri? She doesn't look bad now, but I can't help but to think of her in the days of "Lois and Clark." It's a sad time really. We're all getting old. However, Teri is getting older....older than us for sure.


Teri was in the traditional color of a streetwalker while attending the opening of Dr. Suess's How The Grinch Stole Christmas: The Musical in NYC. As a sidenote, due to the stagehand strike, there was no show the day after this picture was taken. Could Teri Hatcher be the reason behind the WGA strike and the Broadway stagehand strike? Probably. I'd even go as far to double check that she isn't wearing a mask and it's not really Osama Bin Laden hiding in that red dress. You never know.




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Celebrity Guess Who?

Yowza. If you guessed the people photographed in this picture at the Pippilotti Rist: Pour Your Body Out exhibit in New York City was of Madonna and Lance Bass.....you'd be correct.


Thursday, November 20, 2008

Who Won America's Next Top Model Cycle 11



Well folks another season of America's Next Top Model come to a close. Bid adios to Jenny recapping the crap out of this show. I'll have to hire her for another series recap. In the meantime, here's what she said went down last night on the season finale of America's Next Top Model:


  • It's the season finale! Freedom......freedom.....cuz I don't belong to you....and you don't belong to me.....TYRA!

  • Well, it's the moment we've all been waiting for. Who will be crowned America's Next Top Model? I think it would be a real sweet treat if Tyra just said the hell with it, and crowned herself America's Next Top Model.

  • Here's some trivia. I was watching Jepoardy! tonight....and Jay Manual was one of the clues. Evidently, he was an aspiring opera singer before he fell into Tyra's clutches on ANTM. Talk about having your life take a left turn.

  • Side note, it is FREEZING! Christ on a horse! I can't get warm.

  • Looks like the ladies will be shooting a Covergirl commercial. How original and new. It's half Dutch/half English. Dinglish?

  • One girl is going to get the peace out, while the remaining two stomp their way down the runway like horses with their hooves on fire...

  • Tyra takes this opportunity to teach us how to smile with our mouths closed and be sexy....and smile with our mouth closed and NOT be sexy. That Tyra really gets it. But what is she wearing? She looks like those Asian guys that host Most Extreme Elimination Challenge....the one that they dub into English





Analeigh is eliminated from the show. Honestly, how did Sam get into the finals? I call shenanigans.


  • The "runway" is set up like an obstacle course. They literally have to run up the hill in order to avoid rolling backward like hedgehogs. Again, noticing the Most Extreme Challenge theme...

  • Tyra and the judges take us on a cycle 11 stroll down memory lane....Through the years.......

  • Well don't keep us in suspense any longer! Who is going to win the cover of Seventeen Magazine, a life long pen-pal relationship with Miss Jay, a photo in the mail each month of Tyra and 20 years worth of Rice-a-roni? MCKEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And the best part is, she keeps picking Tyra up and swinging her around like a rag doll...

  • This concludes another cycle (not menstrual) of America's Next Top Model. I'll be in negotiations with Mr. IBBB about a hay-penny raise. If it goes through HR and is approved by corporate, I'll see ya next go 'round! Take care and Happy Holidays. I'll be stuffing all your stockings with the ANTM DVD. Or not.


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Wednesday, November 19, 2008

...In Other News...

So how does one get the job of cupping Britney's boob whilst she walks? In other news...

~ Why Does the Mad Hatter Want to Kill Me and Eat Me? ~ ABH
~ Dallas Austin Claims He Isn't Working With Kim from Real Housewives of Atlanta
~ Is Kelly Osbourne Courtney Love's Daughter? ~ Websters
~ Me Gusta Charlize Theron, Even in a Bush ~ CS
~ Did Aguilera Toss Her Rack? ~ DSF
~ Meg Ryan's Rack Fell Down ~ Ayyyy
~ Britney is On the Record ~ POTP
~ Mmmmm Winehouse Teeth! ~ PB
~ Scarlett Discusses Lindsay No Pants ~ Y!
~ Locklear Prison Bound? ~ FB


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Real HOusewives of Atlanta: Season Finale. What We've Learned.


How's the season over when I feel like I just started watching this Atlanta hurricane of horror? We learned a lot this episode and I'm smarter because of it.

  • We learned that Kim continues her rein of terror on the suit jacket.
  • We learned that Kim thinks that NeNe is a drag queen. This is coming from the woman who is wearing a Bratz doll wig and a mans suit jacket.
  • We learned that Kim actually asked Sheree and Lisa if NeNe was black.
  • We learned that DeShawn plays basketball with her husband in a yellow club shirt, jeans, and big earrings. Also, with her husband retiring "due to injury" from the NBA she fears not being in the limelight anymore. Perhaps she hasn't noticed that she's on a show called "The Real Housewives of Atlanta" and as she's saying these words there are cameras filming her, a boom-mic operator, lights, and producers surrounding her. Maybe that's not "limelight" enough for Shawny.
  • We learned that when Dallas Austin calls Kim and tells her that she needs to start Country Singer Bootcamp, Kim's nanny, Mia, must think someone is calling to kill Kim because she looks concerned for her life.
  • We learned that Kim is visibly nervous about quitting smoking and drinking and having to run everyday, but then immediately tells Dallas Austin that her kids aren't going to stop her from her dream. She's sweet like that. Maybe give the kids the cigarettes and White Zinfandel. You know, keep it in the family.
  • We learned that NeNe is writing a letter to her "father" Curtis because apparently people still mail actual letters to people. Can't she just email Curtis? I bet his email address is CurtisIsNotTheFatherOfNeNE_2008@aol.com.
  • We learned that Lisa doesn't want to her husband to be in a wheel chair because she wants to grow old with him and not have to push him around in a wheelchair. Yes, that conversation is actually taking place.
  • We learned that the dude from Project Runway calls out Sheree for not picking out her own fabrics and basically being hands-on with her horrific clothing line called "She By Sheree." It should be called "She of Sheree." That way we could call it "SOS" for short.
  • We learned that Kim is officially quitting smoking and, in turn, her daughters will stop sleeping in her bed with her. Scary. Her oldest daughter is 11. So Kim sleeps with her two daughters and her wig? Isn't that a fire hazard?
  • We learn that Kim thinks that her voice is "a God given talent." I begin to question God.
  • We learn that Sheree can have all the money and "class" in the world, but she still pronounces "ask" as "axe."
  • We learn that NeNe continues to bring the laughs by telling Lisa and Sheree that she doesn't want to have to take a picture with those bitches whilst at Lisa's husband's "Surprise You're Being Shipped to Oakland" party.
  • We learn that if you're graduating from high school and your mom, NeNe, is taking you to the car dealership your best bet is to show up to the car dealership still wearing your graduation cap and gown because, you know, that makes sense.
  • We learn that Sheree has actual children, which chills me to the bone. These kids are smart and get all "A's" or "SherrA's" on their report card and receive money and a trip for doing so.
  • We learn that the end of the episode dinner that Lisa has for everyone is completely awkward to watch. At one point I'm pretty sure I hear crickets. I assume the crickets are coming from Kim's wig and I just move on from the moment.
  • We learn that NeNe tries to talk to Kim and Sheree about what happened and they just stare at her.
  • We learn that Kim doesn't want her kids hearing NeNe yell at her, but somehow she seems to be ok with her kids listening to her sing. Isn't that worse?
  • We learn that Greg, NeNe's husband, is the voice of reason and is far classier than any of the people at the table.
  • We learn that, at the end of the day, Kim realizes that she should have talked to NeNe about what bothered her a month ago. They kind of "squash" the fight, but from the looks of the Reunion Show next week everyone hates each other even more.

Wanna see what Kim looked like in 2003? Click Here to Check out Vintage Kim

Wanns see preview clips from the Renunion show? Check Out Previews from the Reunion Show


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Harriet Carter Wednesday: Here Pretty, Crappy, Kitty!

Well Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday to you and yours! As we get closer to Thanksgiving I would like to say that I am most thankful for all the products that Harriet Carter tries to sell me. I am also grateful for the "Y/K' on most of my zippers, but that's another story for another time in another place. This week, Harriet cooks your cat, allows you to crap on your hands, and makes it possible to look at yourself no matter where you are. Let's go!Product # 1 - I'm not going to lie to you. At first glance I assumed this contraption allows you to cook your cat in the sky. Yes? Now are those 3 red snakes that are going towards that black plastic oval in the sky? Is this cat helping to remove snakes similar to the way that St Patrick got rid of the snakes? Most importantly, is this cat not only smiling, but wearing blush on its cheeks as well? So many questions so little time. Well, we're all wrong. This is actually a litter box called the "Ca ouse." I'll repeat that. The description calls this a "Ca ouse." Not really sure why there's a space between the two words and I'm even more confused on what an "ouse" is, but nevertheless people should buy it just so that their cats can turn into animated sketches and smile. This "Ca ouse" can also "de-scent skunk odor." Really? What's going on with your cat that it needs all this? I was always taught that if your cat get sprayed by a skunk you just flush it down the toilet. Was I taught incorrectly? I mean, that's what we did with my great grandmother, so I just assumed that was normal protocol for cats. Anygato, I'll be using this to cook my neighborhood cats. It comes with a plug and the economy is pretty dicey right now so I think it's my best bet. Meow, Harriet. Meow.


Product # 2 - Hey there shitty fingers! Are you looking to dip you fingers into your chocolate milk maker? Are you gross? Do you look forward to spreading germs all over your bathroom? Well if you've answered "huh?" to any of these questions do I have the product for you! Why it's Toilet Paper Foam, but of course! The "TPF" is used to add a foaming cleanser to your toilet paper so that your bum can basically get spit-shined after you take a dainty poop or projectile explosive diarrhea all over your bathroom wall. Simply pump a few squirts onto your toilet paper and VOILA! Sparkle bum! Luckily toilet paper usually does well when it gets wet so I'm certain that your fingers won't poke a hole through the paper and you'll accidentally give yourself your very own colonoscopy. Move over, Katie Couric, because now you can do this in your very own home! While the brand name is "Aaah" I'm sure you'll be screaming "YOWZA" when three fingers enter the bum. Enjoy trying to wipe the feces off your hand without touching the sink faucets or door know. Cleanliness all around! Thanks, Harriet, for making shitting on my hand fun!

Product # 3 - Hey there Vanity Smurf! Are you looking to bring a life-sized mirror with you wherever you go? Of course you are. Well now you can simply tuck and roll this mirror under your arm (like Mr. Brady's plans) and bring this mirror with you wherever you go! I'll be bringing my on the train with me in the morning, at Dunkin Donuts, into my afternoon meeting, and possibly even church. I'll want to know if the diddler priests are trying to sneak up on me at all times. And is this chick serious with her reflection? The real chick is looking down and the one in the mirror is kinda looking out of the corner of her eyes. Looks like they mixed up the cartoon drawing of her. Too bad they couldn't use an actual image of an actual person with the actual product. Crazy thought, I know. Hopefully she'll be sticking this mirror onto the floor so she can take a look at her naughty bits. It's totally multi-purpose. Thanks, Harriet, for breaking mirrors everywhere you go!



Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Real Housewives of Atlanta Reunion Preview. Kim and NeNe Fight It Out Like They're on the Set of Maury. Sidenote: Curtis, You are Not the Father.





Whilst IBBB will be recapping the ever loving piss out of the Real Housewives of Atlanta reunion once it airs, here's a little clippy clip of some of the smackdown between Lisa and Kim and then NeNe and Kim. At one point I'm pretty sure that NeNe talks about Kim's weave, which really isn't nice to say. She should have said "wig." Wig. Not weave. Wig.
Later, NeNe tells Kim that she'll see her outside. My money is on NeNe and by "money" I really mean "citizenship."
How come no one is wearing "She by Sheree" on the set? Rude!
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The Hills Recap: Holly Moves in With Lauren, Everyone Drinks, I Die a Little More Inside







WARNING!!! What an absolute nightmare this episode is. It's like they didn't even try this time. I would have rather watched Kelly CUNTrone give herself an enema whilst wearing all black then watch this crap. Regardless, here's what went down last night on The Hills....Jesus be with me:
  • Once again we begin with Whitney and Lauren "working"at Pubic Revolution. Whitney informs us that she still has been talkinK with Ozzy Bobby (Jay, the musician). Lauren allows Whitney to say one full complete sentence before she jumps in and alerts Whitney that Holly is "crashing" at LC's place. Whitney says probably the most profound thinK she has ever said to this day about Holly: "She's like Heidi without the Spencer." Someone toss that on a t-shirt and lets call it a day.

  • Oh Jesus. Audrina and Justin Bobby are walking up the street in Venice Beach. I'm not even sure if it's J Bob. The producers probably just grabbed some homeless dude off the street and was like, "Here, wear this hat and talk to the girl with the big rack and ultra-white teeth. Don't worry if it looks like she's looking at the sky the whole time....she's...uh...praying." Roll 'em!

  • Ugh, these two again. There are more scenes this season of Heidi hanging up clothes in her bedroom while Steve Sanders stands there and they faux-fight. Seriously? There's nothing better they can come up with then this? Heidi is very concerned about the whereabouts of Holly because "she doesn't even know where she is." Really? Pick up an Us Weekly. That's a good start. If you can't find her there, check out Perez Hilton. He may know. If he doesn't, maybe check out the green-room down the hall from the set of your apartment and see if she's in there practicing her lines for the current episode. If not, check the stomach of your horse from Crested Butte because, well, if my plan worked she may be in there. It's a long story.

  • Later, Lauren and Audrina go out to have drinks and they talk about how awesome they are. As if the dialogue can't bet worse, they reinforce it with sub-titles. Thanks "Hills!" Yawn. I'm over this scene. Unless Audrina's rack falls out of her shirt and onto the bar I'm moving on. Oh wait did it just fall out? Ugh. No. Close though.

  • I love when Teef and Tats Patridge have scenes together. Tats Pat has the longest teeth I've ever seen. They're so long I think it effects her voice. No joke. She kinda has 60 year old butch lesbian voice. Anyone with me on that? Anyone? Crickets. Crickets. Crickets. Anyway, they talk about J Bob and him leaving his toothbrush at Audrina's new house of horror. He only leaves it there because he doesn't use it/need it. I assume he'd leave soap there too.

  • Heidi heads to Crackhouse to meet with Sam to try and get a job. She introduces herself to the receptionist, as if the receptionist has no clue what's going on. I will guess that the camera crew filming her may have given her the heads up that Heidi from "The Hills" will be stopping by in about 3 seconds and that's why there's an actual camera crew in front of her right now. Oh, and someone needs to teach Heidi how "not" to look at the camera. I've caught her about 4 times this crapisode already.

  • So does Sam work in an elevator? Because the door to his office opens like one. And uh, why is his computer monitor facing me? How does he use it if it's turned around? I hate this. I hate me.

  • Sam hires Heidi on a trial basis and doesn't want to see Steve Sanders ever at an event. Is this shit for real? He's supposed to be this high-powered businessman and he's talking to his non-college-educated-douche-bag-low-level-worker about her boyfriend. If there is stock for SBE, sell it now. That place should be tanking soon.

  • Sandy Sanders and Lauren are at "school" for about 3 seconds. They're sitting on white leather lounge chairs. Are the filming this in outerspace? Sandy Sanders hair looks like the Cowardly Lion's. That is all.

  • Holly is back at Casa de Misery with Lauren and LOser. For the 15th time this episode the cast is drinking. Again, watching this show any other way than drunk is just plain old stupid. Holly is supposed to be 25, but I think someone forgot to "carry the 1" when doing the math. She looks closer to 35. Maybe it's the mom haircut she has. One may never know.

  • Meanwhile back at Casa de Chin, Sandy Sanders shows up to film her scenes with Heidi and Steve Sanders. Sandy Sanders spills the scripted beans that scripted Holly is scriptedly living with scripted LC and LOser at scripted Casa de Misery. Steve Sanders and Heidi are scriptedly shocked when they hear this. Heidi checks the script and asks Sandy Sanders why Holly would move in with LC and Sandy informs everyone that Holly was "homeless" and who would say no to a homeless person. Um, I say no to homeless people every single day. It's easy.

  • Steve Sanders and Heidi continue to faux-fight. He calls Darlene Montag a stalker mom. When Heidi tries to defend her family she looks like she's trying to take a crap. Heidi then calls Steve Sanders an ass and that he may be the problem. She's half right. But I'm the ass for watching this show and this show is actually the problem. There's a difference.

  • Finally (thank Jesus Claus) Justin Bobby and Audrina are at dinner wearing all leather, sitting on leather chairs, in what I can only assume is a dungeon. J Bob is sporting a black hood with a black hat. Imagine sitting next to that crap? This is just another reason why I carry a baseball bat with me wherever I go.
  • J Bob gives Audrina a white shirt and instructs her to wear it without a bra. I'm pretty sure he calls her "dude" after that. Good job, J Bob, someone will be getting a little Oddrina head tonight thanks to that shirt! Carrrreful for her teeth though....sometimes she hurts when she does it. So I've heard.

I stand corrected from the past. THIS was the worst episode ever. Although next week looks good! It's the episode where Audrina claims that Lauren banged Justin Bobby. There are a lot of tears, f bombs, and LC tells Audrina that she's worse than f'n Heidi. Didn't this crap just happen like 2 weeks ago in real life? Are they filming this in real-time now? Oh, they should totally have some live episodes. That would be great!


So what did you guys think of this episode? Yawnsville?

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Monday, November 17, 2008

...In Other News...

The Jodie Sweetin Book. IBBB's Dream Come to Life.




Looks like StepOnMe Tanner is no longer the awkward duckling, as today she as transformed into an awkward swan. Magic. Jodie Sweetin, apparently sporting red car paint on her lips, was looking slim and trim on the red carpet of the 15th Annual Lint Roller Party (Best Friends Animal Society) in Hollywood, California. Surprising not her arm was Mr. Bear. I've put out an ABP on Mr. Bear and hope he returns safe and sound.

Us Weekly took a breath from blowing the cast of The Hills and decided to speak with Stephanie Tanner about what was going on in her life. Besides the possibility of a reality show (pray to Jesus Claus this happens) and her daughter who is starting to babble and has 4 teeth (who cares), Jodie has a book coming out some time in 2009! Sweet(in)! Oh crap, they should call it that!
How did Jodie lose all the baby weight you ask? NutriSystem and daily TV workouts. My guess? Back to meth. Ok, low blow. Oh, maybe blow?

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Source It Up!

Ugh! These Three Again.







Seriously these outfits have to have a mad case of "ring around the collar" by now. Oh, and "swamp ass crust" in their khaki-cameltoe-pants. The Irwin's, sans Steve, are at it again! This time they're at the 2nd Annual Steve Irwin Day at the Australia Zoo on the Sunshine Coast. What a treat.

Hopefully Bindi performed a wonderful song for the crowd. This just in: Bindi, that f'n bitch, did in fact perform a brilliant number for crowd. Bindi dressed like a colorful bird and sang while pretending that she's not going to need a life time of therapy in years to come.
Later, Terri took to the stage, dressed ever-so femininely with her big brown belt and khaki Dockers pulled up to her boobs, and spoke to the crowd. Notice how her hand is verrrry close to Steve Irwin's cardboard cutout crotch. And bonus points for Kenny Rogers taking the stage with her as well.

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I Mean, Jan Brady Tried Lemons, but I Guess Flour is a Good Option Too?

Hopefully this works to cover up some of those pesky freckles! Lindsay No Pants and Samantha Rotten were in Paris over the weekend and heading into a club when some PETA freaks tossed a bag of flour on Linds because she was wearing a fur stole. Lindsay must have thought it was raining coke! A total dream come true.

Lindsay was, of course, pissed and the club owner had to help dust off Lindsay once she entered. Stars, they're just like us!

I love those PETA freaks. They've inspired me. On my way to work tomorrow I'm going to throw a gallon of acid on someone holding an umbrella and yell "Don't Support Acid Rain!" I think it's good I have a new cause to believe in.
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Source It Up!

Kim from Real Housewives and IBBB are OVER!

Are the kids still saying "dunzo?" Anywig, IBBB has some sad news to report. I had befriended crazy-ass Kim from Real Housewives of Atlanta on Myspace and after some email correspondence Kim agreed to be interviewed for this brilliant blog. I actually told her that I couldn't get enough of her constant drinking and smoking and she thanked me for my encouragement.

Well, then Kimmy Pants read IBBB and decided against the interview and even removed me as her "friend." Drat! Damn it all to hell! So what I may have made some wig jokes, Heidi Montag jokes, singing jokes, and white-trash jokes about Kim on IBBB? Please, if this site was "The Soup" she'd be eating it up.

Oh well. No fun interview with Kim, you guys. I will try to pick up the shattered pieces of my life and continue on. Either way she's still one of my favorites on Housewives, but now NeNe has just edged her way to my #1 spot.

Best wishes, Kim, with that singing career. I'll tip my White Zin back for ya when you make it to the top of the charts!

Oh Christ. Nothing Good is Coming Out of This!

Isn't there some unwritten rule that you should never mix with the Kardashian sisters? Kristin Cavallari and two Kardashian's (no first names needed) posted lifeless on the grey carpet at the grand opening of the Fontainebleau Miami Beach in Miami, Florida over the weekend. Let's hope in this case the carpet doesn't match the drapes.

I know I get a ton of hate-mail when I write about my love of Kristin Cavallari, but I don't care.
I'm owning it. In fact, they should replace Audrina with Kristin. In fact, they should replace half the cast with Kristin. In fact, let's just bring back the old Laguna Beach and call it a day.
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So Andrew Dice Clay is Still Alive. I Mean, He's on His Last String, But He's Still Alive.



Friday, November 14, 2008

...In Other News...

Real Housewives of Atlanta: Kim's Restraining Order Against Lisa? Hold On to Your Wig!





Oh snap! Hold on to your white Fraggle wig! There's even more drama going down off the set of The Real Housewives of Atlanta. It appears that Lisa and Kim are going at it during the reunion show. Take cover, NeNe, they're coming after you next!

According to Lisa, "I've been extremely diplomatic and there are horrible things I could have said but I have chosen not to and still do. When you come after my integrity or my family, then you're going to see a different person."

In regards to the reunion show Lisa said, "People will be surprised because I was surprised and somewhat embarrassed myself, but I'm human and you have to let people know that they can't just say whatever they want to you."

Holy crap! Bring on the reunion show!

Meanwhile, back at Kim's house, Kim allowed TMZ to listen to voicemail that Lisa allegedly left for Kim that says that Kim better call her back before she sees her because she's not Sheree, she's not NeNe, she's not "the one." Then she ended the message by saying, "You need to call me. I might just be coming to your house!"

Kim was also present with her "lawyer" who looks as classy and professional as Kim. The only thing that was missing from the TMZ scene was Kim's White Zinfandel and pack of Newports. Come on, Kim, get it together. Don't disappoint me! Anycrap, the "lawyer" talked about Kim fearing for the safety of herself and her kids.....and her wig?

Kim also was sure to mention that she and Sheree were filming a movie with Demi Moore. While most don't believe it, I do. And I also found this picture of Kim, Demi, and Sheree. You're welcome.


What do you guys think about all this drama? Would the Houswives of the OC or New York bring it to this level? Sadly, no. This is more fun.

Listen to Lisa's voicemail to Kim Here.

Read the rest of what Lisa had to say Here

Past Real Housewives Recaps

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