Tuesday, December 30, 2008
The City Recap: The Editing Machine is Already Broken. Plus, I Still Want to Play Dirty Games with Olivia.
Thursday, December 25, 2008
~ That Dude from Twilight Went to Super Cuts ~ ABH
~ Hef Traded Down ~ Websters
~ A Special Winehouse Vacation ~ CS
~ More of Heidi Montag's Rack ~ Ayyyy
~ POTP Hits Up Twitter ~ POTP
~ Lauren Conrad's Christmas Mustache ~ IDWYL
~ Drink Up a Little Ashlee Simpson ~ FB
~ A Britney Spears Christmas ~ BS
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
The Hills Season Finale: This Episode Has More Tears Than Audrina's Hoo-Ha After a Drunken Night in Palm Springs w/ Justin Bobby. Did I Cross a Line?
- Heidi is back to work at Crackhouse with Brent and Side-Bangs. She tells Brent of her weekend in Mexico and how she got married. Apparently, Brent lives in a powerless cave and didn't hear the news of the wedding. Heidi tells Brent it was the craziest thing she's ever done. Really? The craziest? The breast implants, not so crazy? The chin surgery, pretty tame? How about that time you got your lips done and you looked like your vagina was stapled to your face? No, that wasn't crazy either? Eh, ok.
- Seriously? Justin Bobby is on a motorcycle with a sparkly silver helmet, overalls, handlebars that are about 5 feet above the motorcycle, and Audrina looks like she's sitting in stadium seating behind him. They could totally end the episode with this scene and I would be totally fine with it. Hell, end the entire series with this scene. Well worth it.
- J Bob and Oddrina are out in Palm Springs celebrating their 5th on camera conversation together and J Bob pops the champagne and almost takes out Oddrina's two front teef. Justin Robert (Bobby) gives us all crazy eyes and calls Oddy "dude" about 10 times, but not before telling her that "she's in trouble now, dude." So to the young kids out there who found IBBB via "the Google" let me explain what J Bob meant by that. You see, J Bob is going to plow Audrina with the same force that the plow outside of your house, during this past weekends snow storm, caved in your driveway. And just when the plowing finally stops and you can catch your breath from shoveling it out, the plow comes (giggity) by again and dumps even more white stuff all over your private property. So, uh, we all caught up now? Cliff Notes: Audrina becomes a woman.
- Yeah, so Darlene Montag and Steve Sanders are having a "stare-off" with each other before Heidi walks on to the set of her apartment. As a sidenote, is Steve Sanders beard starting to grow into his mouth?
- When Darlene starts to cry, I immediately look for my passport so I can deny my citizenship. The only thing that makes me feel less embarrassed is by forcing myself to think of Darlene making sweet Crested Butte love to that damn horse that Heidi grew up with. That damn horse. He gets me every time. Sniff sniff.
- Meanwhile, Justin Bobby and Audrina are having a romantic dinner and J Bob is dressed like that chimney sweeper from Mary Poppins. I'm trying not to make too many jokes as I have the same shirt and hat J Bob is sporting. If only I could get my mustache to connect to my chin beard, I could dress up as J Bob for Halloween. Maybe if I try to start growing it out now I'll be ready for next October. Oh, and by the way, Justin gave Oddy some sort of a ring that I'm pretty sure he vomited up from his stomach and out of his mouth. It looks like that silver sparkly pipe cleaner that your 3rd grade teacher would bring in for Arts and Crafts and force you to make reindeer antlers with during Christmas. You know, the one that you attached to the big wooden spoon. Anyone? Crickets. Anyway, that gift is the worst. Actually, you wanna know what gift is technically worse than that? I once gave someone I was dating some Christmas stuff because I wouldn't see them for the holiday. This consisted of a tree ornament with their name on it and a Christmas candle. Wanna know what I got in return? Dumped the next day. True story. No joke.
- Fast forward to that "party" that Crackhouse is throwing. It's all black-tie and Sandy Sanders is there dressed like Macy Gray. Heidi and Side-Bangs are talking about the party and then say "Let's go look at the party." As the'yre walking through the party to look at the party they're actually saying, "Wow, look at this party." Wow. Kill me. For real. I won't press charges if you only paralyze me and not technically kill me.
- Well, it's the moment we've all been waiting for since the end of Season 2. Heidi. And. Lauren. Are. About. To. Talk. Buckle up, bitches.
- Er. Uh. Ouch. Awkward. Lauren and Heidi literally stare at each other for a good 10 seconds and Lauren says, "I hate this is awkward." It actually gets even more awkward because Lauren then rests her entire chin on her champagne glass. If Heidi did that the whole damn glass would have shattered, but I digress.
- So who thinks this scene was scripted? Will you stop reading this if I say that I think the conversation is kinda real? I say this because typically when the scenes are scripted (99.98% of the time) Heidi is talking with her eyebrows pointed in and all of her sentences end with her sounding like she's asking a question. This time, however, Heidi gives us the "for-real-ugly-cry" when Lauren starts to ask Heidi about her mom (she should have asked about the horse too).
- I also think this is kind of real because Heidi does admit that she does miss Lauren, but knows that their situation won't be changing any time soon. Oh, and the #1 reason why I think this may NOT have been scripted is because Heidi later asks Lauren if she's been "working out a lot." Yeah, no. She said that. Now there's a chance that she accidentally read one of Brody's lines to some chick at the bar, but Brody was not in this episode, so I pretty much am buying all the crap that these two dirt-bags are spewing out. Anyone with me?
- Sidenote: Lauren and Heidi's conversation and interaction was very reminiscent of Season 1 and Season 2 when they actually talked without reading lines. Regardless, even if these two really hate each other why can't they just pretend to like each other for Season 5? While they're at it, I'd love in next season if they all acknowledge that they're on a television show. Eh, more on that at another time.
- Back at Casa de Chin, Darlene and Steve Sanders have the same exact argument that they had earlier in the season. I'm over it.
- Finally, in the end, Heidi, Steve, and Sandy Sanders arrive at the "City Hall" that looks like the same "City Hall" from The Brady Bunch. Sandy Sanders tries to talk some scripted sense into Steve Sanders about not getting married there and giving Heidi the wedding she really wanted...with her mom....blah blah blah. End scene.
- Sweet! I'm pretty sure that the judge in the courtroom is Roz from "Night Court!" Hooray! I'm glad that Roz got work again!
- Stop. The. Press. Heidi's middle name is "Blaire?" Like, "Blair" from "Facts of Life?" What a treat. I may have been typing when she said it, but I assume the judge called Steve Sanders by his full name too.....Steven Santa Pubes Sanders.
- Steve Sanders never gets to say his "vows" because he wants to make sure that Heidi is ok and if she wants her mom there. Heidi cries again and her chin almost dislocates from her face and says she does, in fact, want her mom there....and her horse from Crested Butte....and her old chin (which is wrapped up on a Tiffany's box and placed in the Smithsonian Institute in Washington DC, along with a piece of the Berlin Wall). They don't get "legally" or "scriptedly" married and they all leave the court house.
Well, that's it, kids. Another season bites the dust and bites me in the ass. Until next time, I bid you a fond (and scripted) farewell. I thank you for sticking with IBBB week after week and day after day.
What did you all think of the season finale? What was fake? What was real? What should happen in Season 5?
Monday, December 22, 2008
~ What Happened to Aguilera?? ~ Websters
~ Read This for a Good Cause! ~ CS
~ Flaunt Magazine Round Up ~ Ayyyy
~ Get Your Winehouse Rack! ~ POTP
~ How Old is Katie Holmes? 42? 55? ~ FB
~ Who Has Rodent Mouth? ~ IDWYL
~ Kendra Wilkinson, Ready for the White House ~ BS
Hey there how are you? Yeah, I'm ok thanks for asking. I'm a little aggravated, actually. What is it about your snow that makes people act insane? No really, I'd like to know. Sure there's some white fluffy stuff, similar to cotton balls, falling from the sky but what is it about that that makes everyone drive like knives, fire, and newborn babies are falling from the sky? I was lucky enough to be driving behind a station wagon (apparently those still exist) and you would have thought this driver completely lost their steering wheel. I actually was hoping they were drunk and not driving this way because of the weather. This station wagon, that somehow turned itself into a runaway train, was all over the highway and they kept slamming on their breaks. Good move. I hear that when there is snow and ice on the ground nothing keeps your car in full control quite like slamming on the breaks. This was especially entertaining because there weren't any other cars in front of the "runaway train." On one occasion when I was forced to slam on my break and pray to my sweet Jesus not to have me go face first through the windshield, I got close enough to the said station wagon to notice that this car has traveled all the way from Idaho. That explains it. Thanks Idaho, your state is borderline pointless!
Moving on, I made it to my destination after watching about 10 other cars fishtail all over the highway and just needed to find a place to park. Simple, right? Yeah, no. Apparently when there's snow on the ground, especially in a parking lot, people forget where the parking lines are. Yup, I guess the lime green Volkswagen Beetle thinks it's an 18-wheeler and parked in about 3 spaces. No joke, at one point I think the car was parked horizontally. I won't lie and say I didn't say a quick prayer that I would end up passing this car hours later and see it all ablaze and in a ditch on the side of the highway. Fingers crossed.
On the 12th Day of Christmas: Do you ever like to just destroy things just for the hell of it? Well so does this lady! Does getting out of the car by simply pulling the handle seem a little "boring" to you. Me too! Thanks again Harriet Carter! Now getting out of the car doesn't have to be so old-fashioned anymore. All you need to do is use this trusty little tool. First, pull into your driveway. Second, take this tool and use the razor end to slice the seat belt off of you (don't just press the buckle like an animal). Third, take the other end of this tool and break the window. Finally, shimmy yourself out the window and through the broken glass. Don't worry about the cuts and blood. That's nothing the hospital can't quickly fix! In just 4 short hours you'll be back home and watching TV sipping on water and popping Vicodin. Ok, so maybe I could think of a reason why you would need something like this, but this lady totally is safe. I mean, there aren't any flames, her car isn't smoking, she hasn't been in a crash, it's a sunny day, and I think I see kids playing hopscotch in the background.
...and a Failure Model Chick in a Pear Treeeeeeee!
Friday, December 19, 2008
~ Mmmmm Cheeseburger Cologne! ~ ABH
~ I Hope Santa Craps in Heidi and Spencer's Stocking ~ Websters
~ Buy Scar Jo's Nasty Snot Rags ~ CS
~ Britney's New Boyfriend? ~ BS
~ Kristen Bell is Shiny...Everywhere ~ Ayyyy
~ Is Lohan's Hair Falling Down? ~ POTP
~ Alyssa Milano Stole Tyra Banks' Weave ~ IDWYL
~ Eddie Murphy to Ruin Batman Movies? ~ FB
I am also awarding Terri one Koala Bear, as she is sporting some high waisted Mom Jeans and looking as sexy as all get out. Is Terri Irwin the new Marge Simpson? Does she have anything else to wear? I always see her with that same sexy khaki shirt on. We get it. Now put on something to highlight your rack. Also, it may be time to retire the stonewashed jeans. Take some scissors on that bowl-cut mullet and stop with the bench press for Christ sakes. Now get your ass back on the market. I hear Walter Cronkite is looking for someone. Give him a buzz.
Oh, and you're welcome.
Check out other famed celebrity camel toe at the new IBBB and some good old fashion ghost boobs whilst you're at it!
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Jodie Sweetin is totally trying to ruin my dream of her getting her own reality show and/or taking part in a future Full House reunion. Poor Stephanie Tanner is not allowed to see her 8-month old daughter without the supervision of one of her parents (Danny Tanner?). This is all thanks to her husband, Cody Herpes, who told a judge that Steponme Tanner is an unfit mother and even drove drunk one time with her daughter in the car. Is that a big deal? Haven't we all been in the car with our drunk parents before? How else were we supposed to get to school?
Source It Up!
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
~ Even More Hills Fakery ~ Websters
~ Who is Time Magazine's Person of the Year? ~ CS
~ Who's Willing to Kill Winehouse's Dealer? ~ FB
~ Which Celebrity Looks Like a Drunk Fighter? ~ Ayyyy
~ Ain't No Party Like a Diddy Party ~ POTP
~ Kristin Cavallari to Do Porny Pornerson? ~ IDWYL
~ Lohan's See-Thru Pants! ~ DSF
~ Saint Jennifer Lopez de las Bronx Back on the Mercado? ~ BS
To freshen up the stale stank around here, IBBB is bringing back a new segment tentatively titled, "Fun With Lindsay Lohan's Myspace Blog!" Catchy. When Lindsay No Pants blogs on her Myspace account people not only listen and comment, but all the freaks come out of the woodwork. The other day Lindsay wanted everyone to know what she got Sam Rotten for a gift.
Below are some of my favorite comments to Lindsay.....with my thoughts underneath theirs. Good times:
~ Uh, they're not married yet so "no." Possibly one of my top favorite responses to Lohan.
~ Hey Emily! is this. your fave show. for real? Stop lying about watching all of them and then coming clean that you've only seen a lot. i also think you should get off of the myspace and focus on your studies.
~ But if you kill yourself who will send messages to Linds with "S" smiley faces? Fine, I'll do it. Carry on. Disclaimer: Kids, don't try that at home.
~ Yeah Hannah! And a huge bucket of greasy chicken! Mmmm late night movies and fried chicken. This, my friends is my 50% of Americans are obese. Please note, all percentages are based on opinion.
~ Yay! More funny messages! If only the person who posted below this person also was sending a fake message.......(see below)
~ Wow! Look who actually made the post list this time. And what a brilliant question to ask. I've always wondered if the "Friends" were really friends. I hope Linds answers. Oh, and how hot is IBBB? Wow. Grrrrrrreat! Please note I am totally a loser for posting that message and even more of a loser that I was so psyched when I saw it posted. My life is empty. Carry on.
~ Well thanks, Ms. LauRen, for being a complete downer. If talent really was only genetic then Dina Lohan would be in actual TV shows instead of dancing in reality shows during "Las Vegas Week." Although, Nana Lohan is the talent in that family. It's all a wash.
~ hahaah oh my God you were? hahahahaha I totally hope they kick it in the bay area hahahaha. Everythang it mellow there I bet hahaha. love u oRgaZmik pNay hahahahah.
You Take the Good, You Take the Bad....then You Mix it Together and Get Mindy Cohn.....the Fact's of Life....the Fact's of Life....
Sidenote: Favorite Fact's of Life Episode --> The one where Tootie is tired of being treated like a little kid so she turns to alcohol.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
The Hills Recap: Heidi and Spencer Get Married in Mexico Right After Heidi Gets Faux-Drunk and Says Every Stereotypical Spanish Word She Knows. Ole!
- Welcome to Mexico, Steve Sanders and Heidi! I hope you got your tetanus shots and have some spare change to give to the little kids who try to sell you multi-packs of Chiclets outside of your hotel in the middle of the night because it's going to be a loooong vacation. Oh, and did anyone else notice that when Heidi got out of the van at the hotel she had two of the same exact sun-hats stacked on top of each other? The props department will never learn.
- Whitney gets the call at Pubic Revolution that she got the job at Diane Van Fartenburp and makes silly faces while Lauren does that stupid little baby-girl voice and Cheshire Cat smile. I will truly miss these times and by "truly miss" I, of course, mean "will black-out forever."
- Meanwhile back at Hotel de Montezuma's Revenge in Mexico, Heidi and Steve Sanders literally try to film a romantic scene with Heidi pouring champagne and doing her best French accent. Yes, French. Only moments from now will she turn that French accent into stereotypical Spanish. However, in the meantime, while they are legit saying how "romantic this is" you can actually hear club music in the background and people chanting "ho ho ho ho" on the beach behind them which leads me to believe there is totally a wet t-shirt contest going on in the background and you know, you KNOW, Audrina is out there while Justin Bobby is throwing buckets of water on her chest and filming clips of it for YouTube. I'm pretty sure that's not a sailboat going by way in the distance, it's just Audrina smiling. Bam!
- Where the hell does Audrina live, by the way? The front door is in like an alley and it kind of looks like the front of a convent. Sandy Sanders swings by Audrina's because apparently these two are friends now...or there are no other cast members around to film scenes with today. Sandy is all freaked out that no one can find out where Heidi and Spencer are. No one? Really? I don't know, maybe check Perez or Us Weekly? Just a thought. I mean, there's paparazzi following them everywhere so maybe check one of those 3,000 sources. Justin Bobby does come up with a brilliant idea, however, in order to find them.....putting up signs. J Bob is the Ricky Ricardo of our generation.
- FOR ALL THAT IS PURE AND HOLY IN THIS WORLD! What in the holy hell are Heidi and Steve Sanders doing? Taking shots of Patron? Dancing with their shoulders? I'm turning red and definitely suffering from secondhand embarrassment. Heidi kinda swings her hand across her forehead and yells "yo!" all whilst Steve Sanders shoulder dances to some Spanish music. Everyone kill yourselves....but me first.
- Heidi lets us know that she was paying attention during her 6th grade Spanish class by saying the following phrases during her "faux-drinking" with Steve Sanders: Arriba, Loco en la Cabeza, and "Jose." Although at one point she says, "I think I've had one to many Patron shots" in a Jamaican accent. No joke, it was Jamaican. Why didn't someone yell "Cut!" and make her do it again.
- I'm about to do two things right now. 1. I will comment on the number of times that Whitney fixed her headband during her going away party (15 times). 2. I'm going to say that I actually feel like Whitney is a really good person who comes from a great family. There, I said it. I don't care that you'll all judge me on that. I think her parents are actually proud of her that she's doing an actual job and not just floating on the success of The Hills like Audrina and LOser...and Sandy Sanders.....and Lauren....and Heidi....and Steve Sanders....and Justin Bobby....and Nana Pratt (that whore).
- Ok, back to Cabo. I think Heidi just chugged some champagne and then ate a lime. Nice try, you tricky little skank. Steve Sanders keeps on saying that they can have a secret wedding and no one will have to know. No one? Well, I know about it. Wanna know how I know? Because I'm watching The Hills...and you're on it. Oh and Us Weekly is literally standing next to you with a camera crew who is standing next to MTV who is also filming this. Oh, and then you tipped off Perez Hilton, so I know about your secret wedding from that too.
- Time to say peace out to Whitney! Whitney is nervous about moving to New York because she's not sure how to go grocery shopping in the city. Sure, that's a normal concern. Just do what everyone else does and walk to the grocery store in the middle of the night to pick up a few things and walk them back to your apartment one at a time. Oh, and bring your rape whistle. Best wishes Whitney! See you over at The City! I miss you already! I barely know what I'm doinK without you on The Hills.
- Finally, for some reason we skip to the day after the actual wedding. Why are we only watching the footage of the wedding off of Steve Sanders video camera that has some fancy boom-mic attached to it?
- Wait a second. Stop. Stop everything. Stop it all. Stop now. Stop. I thought they were "so drunk" from too much tequila and got married at night? Night? The video is showing them outside and it is either morning or afternoon. So they weren't so much doing this based off of a drunk decision, but more so just possibly a little hungover. I feel tricked. I assumed that they were hammered when they literally got married and that they would go the route of the "Friends" episode in which they could get an annulment. However, if they were not drunk, no annulment. We can all learn a lot from "Friends."
- I now pronounce you Mr and Mrs. Jose Pratt-Patron. You may kiss the bride's chin.
Next week we get to see Darlene Montag cry it up again at Case de Chin. Lauren and Heidi reunite and even from the 4 seconds of scenes that they showed Lauren looks like she is being held up at gun-point talking to Heidi and hugging Heidi. We also get to see Heidi and Steve Sanders go to the local courthouse to make the marriage official. You totally know that someone is busting into that wedding to stop it.
What did you guys think of this episode? And, more importantly, who tried to take their own life during the show? Come on, it's ok. You can tell me.
Ok, so time to get caught up on all things that The Hills has to offer. From a wonderful Hills Recap to what Heidi and the gang are scriptedly up to. Check it out at the new ImBringingBloggingBack.com.
Monday, December 15, 2008
~ Diddy is a Girl Genius! ~ ABH
~ I Always Thought Tara Reid was Just Misunderstood ~ Websters
~ Does Sharon Osbourne Need Charm School? ~ CS
~ Celebrity Santa Puzzle ~ Ayyyy
~ Lauren and Lo. That's All. ~ POTP
~ Kim Kardashian is Off Coke and Onto Pepsi. See What I Did There? ~ IDWYL
~ Audrina in a Bikini...or an Oddrini? Nope. ~ FB
~ Lindsay May Get Into Your Car Next ~ DSF
~ Stuffed Anderson ~ Yeeeah
~ Edited Alba? ~ ND
Candace talks about her new weight of 110 pounds and the pressure she put on herself to lose weight during her days on the set of Full House. You'll have to actually buy the issue of Us Weekly to get an inside look on the diet that DJ Tanner follows, but I can give you a heads up on what she's eating.....
Marisa Miller is the Way Your Monday Should Start...or Your Saturday Night Should End. Either Way, Enjoy.
On the 7th Day of Christmas: Does decorating your Christmas tree typically seem like it just goes too fast? Do you want to slow down the decorating process by about 46 hours? Well, you're in luck because now you can put your fishing skills to use by placing each ornament on your Christmas tree with what appears to be a fishing rod. After you carefully hang the ornament on the end of your Christmas Rod, simply find the branch you want (watch that shaking hand and trembling arm) and slowly, very slowly, place that beautiful gold ornament (from Walgreens) on the branch. It doesn't matter you can barely see the branch from where you're standing or the fact that the ornament keeps sliding off the branch. Just keep trying. After you've attempted this a minimum of 29 times, try another branch and repeat the process. For extra family time fun, give this Christmas Rod to Grandma who's suffering from Parkinson's. You and the kids will be squealing with delight by watching Grandma fumble through and entire box of ornaments! Don't worry about the broken ones that smashed off the ground, the new puppy can lick that up! Ho-ho-huh?
...and a Failure Model Chick in a pear treeeeeee!
Friday, December 12, 2008
It's been a while since we've been graced with celebrity ghost boobs, but finally the one to bring back that hip style is none other than Ms. Lindsay No Pants. Linds, who must be stealing Samantha Rotten's Freddie Kruger jackets, was leaving el doctor in Beverly Hills (90210) yesterday afternoon when the mix of natural lighting, camera flashes, and cheap black shirt material provided us with the classic ghost boob look that we've all come to love. Frightful, Lindsay. Frightful.