Wednesday, January 28, 2009

The City Recap: Olivia and Whitney Have a Sassoff! What Was Whitney ThinkinK?

Hey all (or y'all) - sorry this recap is late. As you know I'm in the process of having this little site designed and was supposed to relaunch yesterday. Well that didn't happen. The site is ready, but just doesn't work....meaning I can't upload anything new to it. So, yeah, that's a problem. Oh, and my web people have no idea how to fix that so it's been a wonderful experience. I actually have no idea now when it will be ready. Good times. Well back to The City Recap. Anyway, here's what went down on the latest crapisode of The City....cow bell.....cow bell....

  • In typical "Who's the Boss" cliffhangers, we have a continuation of The City in which we will discover the confrontation between Allie and Catarina, which I will now refer to as "Operation Allie Cat." See what I did there?

  • We start off with Whitney being extremely productive at work (just like the good old days) and combing through her Google email as Olivia "catwalks" into the office wearing what I can only assume is the top half of an ostrich costume. In cases like this I can only hope that that "carpet doesn't match the drapes" because, well, those ostrich feathers are too long and too dark. She'd be like a cavewoman or even worse, someone from one of those middle eastern countries where they just hide behind beat-up cars and throw rocks at each other while the National Geographic Channel films it for a documentary. Yeah, so....

  • Whitney is kind enough to invite my future wife, Olivia, to some crap-bag art show that her friend is having to which Olivia will need to check her busy schedule and let her know if she can make it. Please. There is no doubt in my mind that Olivia won't be there. I mean, afterall there will be a camera crew there.

  • Whoa. Wait. Stop the press. What do we have here? Whitney starts telling Olivia about the faux-drama that's going down with her friends and Olivia basically goes bat-shit-crazy on her. She tells Whitney that it's too much information for her and that she's 23 yrs old and not in high school anymore, so she needs to stay out of the drama. Whitney looks as if she just witnessed someone shooting her puppy and skinning it alive. Perhaps that's what Olivia made her coat/vest out of. Look, Olivia does have a point though. Unfortunately if Whitney "doesn't get involved in the drama" there would be just one issue. There wouldn't really be "a show for Olivia to be on." Count your blessings, skank.

  • Ugh. Catarina and Samantha (why do I know their names) are having lunch and talking about Adam not telling Catarina that he had a girlfriend. I'm not just saying this because I gave a "Who's the Boss" reference at the beginning of this, but I totally think that Catarina looks like Billy from Who's the Boss. Remember that kid that was in the second to last season that Tony and Angela had to take care of? Seriously, she does. And, I mean, she's having lunch with Samantha. "Samantha." As in "Micelli?" I think I may have cracked the code of The City. This damn show is loosely based off of Who's the Boss! It's all making sense to me now.

  • Whitney Speech Impediment Alert: Whitney is getting ready for the art show and tells Erin "I've never really been to an art openinK before!" Ding! Ding! Ding! There's the Whit we've all come to know and love! She's back! By the way, it doesn't look like clothes hanging in Whitney's closet, it looks like furniture pattern samples.

  • Well, it's Art Gallery night and all the freaks have come out of the woodwork. Sure I'm judging based on looks alone, but I'm not sure how else to judge people. Whitney continues her tribute to Cheri Johnson and wears a silver headband/dog collar around her forehead. I wish Whitney would get locked in a refrigerator just like Cheri did.

  • "Operation Allie Cat" is about to go down. Strap on your scripted buckles because it's going to be a scripted bumpy scripted ride. Script. At one point Whitney and Allie are standing directly behind Catarina and Samantha. It's not like Catarina doesn't know that they're standing right behind them. I mean Whitney looks like she's dressed like a Super Hero....there's no way you don't notice that.

  • Oh good, as Operation Allie Cat progresses Whitney is just standing there with her head completely down. Look up, Whitney! Come on, you always watch a train-wreck taking place. Always!
  • Cat does confess to Allie that she and Adam did kiss and he never told her he had a girlfriend. Allie looks like she's having an out-of-body experience, which makes sense because she does look a little alien that explains a lot. Anycrap, Allie tells Cat to look her in the eyes and tell her "female to female" that this really happened. Hmmm, eye to eye? Hmmm female to female? Sounds like someone is about to play some lesbian reindeer games! Sweeeet!

  • Allie allows one tear to trickle down her face. She's nothing like Lauren Conrad, who lets the whole kitchen sink drain from her eyes along with about 6 pounds of makeup. I miss that sludge all over her face. Ahhhh.

  • Somehow Catarina makes this all about her and says she doesn't feel well and then is crying. Why the hell is she crying? Oh wait. Is it because she looks like a home-wrecking-whore on national television? Or the fact that from a side-profile shot she has a little bucky-beaver teeth sticking out....and she kinda looks like Billy from "Who's the Boss?" These are all normal questions that you should be processing whilst you watch this show. It's all normal to think these things. I am not crazy at all. At all. At. All.

  • Allie locks herself in the bathroom and Whitney and her Super Hero outfit follow her in. Adam goes in behind her to tell Allie that Cat is lying. This is one of the first 15 times that we hear Allie reference "female to female." Is this all drunk talk? I hope so.

  • The fight continues onto the street and this time Allie changes out "female to female" to "man to man." Hold up. I'm getting confused. Allie asks Adam how he would feel if the roles were reversed and he says he would feel the same which Allie starts yelling and crying "You'd feel the same way? You'd feel the same way? What do you mean you'd feel the same way?" Seriously, is someone smelling burnt toast because I think Allie is having a stroke. She then continues by saying, "So you mean you could 'imagine' feeling the same that what you're saying?" What the Christ is she talking about? This argument is turning into a grammar lesson. And I'm lost. No surprise there.
  • I think Allie is a broken hearted girl. I say that because I believe Beyonce is singing that as Allie is getting into the cab. Personally, I would have chosen them to play "Smack My Bitch Up" but that's just me. Maybe you'd have a different song selection preference.
  • Meanwhile, Olivia and Nevan are chatting like school girls about the night and the people that were at the art gallery. Listening to these two talk to each other is like watching the mother and daughter from the Gilmore Girls have dialogue. It's so quick back and forth...and pointless.
  • Whitney is starting to play the creepy girlfriend. She and Ozzy Bobby are talking about whether they think Adam lied about hooking up with Catarina. Ozzy Bobby believes Adam and Whitney thinks that you are a reflection of your friends. I'm not sure if she really believes that or is just basically spewing out quotes from fortune cookies. I'm surprised she didn't end her conversation with Ozzy Bobby by saying, "Your lucky numbers are 2, 14, 24, 6,23."

  • Finally, in conclusion, Allie and Adam smooth things over in an awkward way. More importantly we get to see Adam sporting a very shiny coat. Very shiny. Kinda like those plastic Halloween kids costumes that they sell on plastic hangers at Walgreens or CVS. I bet it came with a matching mask. I bet all of it stinks like Shrinky Dinks burning in the oven. Anyway, who cares. Fire both of them from this show. More Olivia! More Olivia! Just give Olivia her own show where she just roles her eyes the whole time. Seriously, I'd watch that. I' d watch 22 minutes of eye rolling. I basically do now.

Next week it's the return of Kelly CUNTrone! I can't wait! Me gusta Kelly big time!

So what did you guys think of this episode. Not horrible, right? I'm still obsessed with the cowbell in the opening credits. Also, The City just got picked up for a second season so I'm not going anywhere. You hear that!

Catch up on on The City Recaps

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Technical Difficulties!

The new IBBB was supposed to launch on Monday....but got mess up. Then it was supposed to launch this morning.....but got messed up. I am hoping and praying to my Jesus Claus that it gets fixed today so I can post my "City Recap" which I have done.
So thanks for the patience and check back throughout the day for an update! The Internet and websites are tricky.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

...In Other News...

IBBB is getting a little bit of a facelift. Who knew something like this would require time and work? I'll be back for Monday (or possibly sooner) with a site that looks a little different....hopefully. Are you on the edge of your seat? I'm not. In the meantime check out some of my other blogging buddies and see what they're crapping about....ole!

~ Denise Richards is Trying. Really Trying. ~ ABH
~ Heidi and Steve Sanders on Bikes. Ok. ~ Websters
~ Paris + Aubrey = A Douche Sundae ~ CS
~ Celebrity American Flag-Off! ~ Ayyyy
~ Pink's Bum Bum ~ POTP
~ Britney is Richer Than You and Can Write a Book ~ FB
~ Kelly Osbourne and the Case of the Bitch Slap ~ BS
~ Julia Roberts Goes Ape Caca ~ Yeeeah

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

The City Recap: Bangs, Hats, and the Kiss Heard Around the World

Today, my dear Americans, there is change in the air. No, I'm not talking about the inauguration of Obama as President. I am, of course, talking about a the addition of "Allie" into the cast of The City. Hopefully she's only making a cameo because, after watching this crapisode, I may have to stop watching if she becomes a regular. Trust me, she ain't no Heather Locklear arriving to save an ailing Melrose Place.

Here's what slowly went down last night on The City:
  • We get to meet Adam's girlfriend, Allie, whilst the troop is out at another restaurant/bar in NYC that is, yet again, candlelit. Stop trying to pull the wool over my loser eyes. Not every bar is lit up like that. The camera crew and producers totally have a dufflebag filled with Glade candles that they set up for each scene. I bet the whole place smells like nasty cinnamon apple pies. Anycrap, Allie is a model. I think. She looks like the low budget version of Mila Kunis. Oh, and she looks her eyes are about to shut at any moment. Kinda like mine are about to shut from watching this.

  • Olivia and her d-bag cousin, Nevan, are visiting an art gallery and talking about him being a tool-bag-low-life-booze-hound-rent-paid-by-his-parents-fast-talking-loser. At least I think they're talking about that. I'm basically just watching Olivia and tuning out of the conversation. From what I can gather, Nevan's family has stopped paying his rent because he's not working and Olivia seems to think he'll get his rent paid for again if he gets a job. I tell ya, if this dude suddenly sprouted Santa pubes on his face I'd be convinced he was Spencer.

  • It's boy's night out and Ozzy Bobby, Adam, and other randoms head out to a club in Chelsea to drink their faces off and talk to Whitney's "friends" that happen to be there. I'm confused. There are too many people in this show. Whatever happened to the good old days on The Hills when it was just like 5 people on the show and they only talked to each other?

  • Whitney's "friends" go over to talk to Ozzy Bobby and d-bag Adam. That one chick, Catarina, looks like she's in heat and yells out to Adam, "Let's have fun!" That's code word for.....actually that's not code word. She's ready to ride. P.S that "club" looks like an epileptic nightmare.

  • Holy hell! Are Whitney and Erin wearing a costume to breakfast the next morning? Maybe they think they're in a play. Erin has on Audrina's old blue beret hat from last season and white sunglasses that went out of style about 2 years ago. However, my favorite is the thing around Whitney's head. It looks like a gray knitted garter belt that Carnie Wilson used to wear around her leg. Perhaps Whitney bought it at a Carnie Wilson yardsale? We learn that Catarina, the pig in heat, made out with d-bag Adam. Boring. Plus, who cares.

  • Like a game of horrific "telephone" that you used to play in the 2nd grade....Sam tells Whitney that Catarina made-out with Adam. Whitney tells Ozzy Bobby this information whilst sitting on a bench in the park. Ozzy Bobby tells Adam this as he sips on red wine (manly). I'm surprised by the time Ozzy Bobby told Adam he didn't end up with, "Whitney told me that you f'd a cat in the club last night. Meow."

  • What does Adam do for work? He picks up Sleepy-Time-Allie from JFK in a Range Rover. And, someone emailed me telling me that he owns a bar? And he also models? Wait. Am I jealous of Adam? Wait a second. I think I am. Maybe that's why I call him a d-bag? Nah, he does seem douchey, but I totally want his car. Perhaps he'll give me free drinks at the bar he owns? Doubtful.

  • Anyway, Adam tells Sleepy-Time-Allie about the "rumor" of him making out with some chick whilst she was out of town "modeling." She wonders what type of girl would make up something like that. I wonder how Sleepy-Time-Allie is a paid model. Also, I don't know what to think about the rumor. On one hand that chick, Catarina, did look like she was in heat. On the other hand....I actually don't care.

  • Back to my love, my life, Olvia. Apparently Nevan will be crashing with her. Who cares. Olivia sets some ground rules for Nevan which includes, "No chicks ever wearing Olivia's clothes" and "No chicks in the apartment." Seriously, what girl is going over to Olivia's apartment and putting on her clothes? Maybe they should install a webcam so we can see that?

  • Finally, this crap is almost over. Whitney, Sam, The Bangs Monster, and Sleepy-Time-Allie head out to a 14 second brunch to confront Sleepy-Time about "the party" the night before when Adam allegedly kissed Catarina-in-Heat. This is the worst. All of it. Who cares?

  • Sleepy-Time calls up Adam, who walks over to the restaurant with a golf-umbrella, to "talk" about the 8 in the morning party. Sleepy-Time starts to cry and I'm wondering if she can drowned from this. What is the tears back up into her sleepy eyes? Adam wants to give Sleepy-Time the world so she doesn't cry. What does that even mean? Is the world for sale? Is it? How much? If the world is for sale, where are the receipts?

  • The end.

Yowza folks, this was a rough one. I think I learned, however, that this series is basically about bangs and strange hats. They could technically change the name of the show from The City to "Bangs and Hats." Next week on Bangs and Hats....

If you like this recap, maybe you'll like my The Hills Recap or all things Kelly Cutrone like her new show Kell on Earth. Or for ever more brain rot check out all things Snooki from Jersey Shore and the rest of the d-bag gang with my Jersey Shore Recap. From Snooki punched to Harriet Carter product reviews and all other things celebrity gossip related, IBBB is your one stop shop to rot your brain. You're welcome!

Friday, January 16, 2009

Audrina's Penis Can Barely Breathe!

Your favorite teef transporter, Audrina from The Hills, was filming scenes for season 5 of The Hills at Beso restaurant in LA the other night. While she is all smiles (and I mean that literally) it appears that Audrina's penis is being restrained. There. I said it. I don't care. It's Friday. I'm tired. It looks like Audrina has a penis. She has a dinky. Look at Audrina's dinky. Look at her peepee. I just think we never noticed it before because we're always hypnotized by those damn teef and then, months later, we began to be hypnotized by her store-bought rack. Never did we notice her penis. Well, it's there.

P.S. For all those emailing me asking me, "When does season 5 of The Hills start?" How do I know?? Just kidding. March 2009.

Getting to Know YOU!

Time for another installment of Getting to Know YOU! Here we take a look at what words people are typing into Google and somehow landing on ImBringingBloggingBack. Brilliant. As always, I list out my favorites of the past week and add my own thoughts after. Enjoy it, but not too much.

  • kicked in the vag (Nicki Blonsky's mother. Ding Ding Ding!)

  • olivia palermo sucks (I wish)

  • "bigger the ass" (Small the chest)

  • a pig called Harriet (Carter!)

  • are girls impressionable (Diddler alert! Diddler alert!)

  • aretha franklin diarrhea (ch ch change....change your drawers)

  • celebrity blonde accidental nudity show crotch green dress (is it bad that I know that this person is searching for Lindsay Lohan when she was on that boat?)

  • Christmas church jokes (you've, clearly, come to the right place for that)

  • drunk girl fack up ass (yeah, fack her)

  • has anyone ever died from intervention on a&e (yes, just me inside)

  • heidi you're a whore with a bad spanish accent (si senor. more tequila jose!)

  • how to get the white trash pregnant look (that's it, aim high)

  • inflatable horse dong (hahahaha I swear to God)

  • is Christmas on the 5th? (Yes, next year it is)

  • list mase orphanages with a baby girl named suri (run,!!)

  • queen latifah person telephone number (yeah, because that's online)

  • she's so pretty and witty intervention (she's my Kristy!)

This Time Last Year: Lisa Loveless Leaves "The Hills."

Happy Friday. Let's take a look into what IBBB was blogging about this time last year....

Nooooooooooo! God why?!?! Why do you always take the good ones from us? She had so much more to give. She had so much more to live for. She had so many more cliche one liners to give. She still had so much sass left in her. Why God, why?

As you all know by now and many many many many of you had sent me emails informing me that Lauren Conrad and Whitney Port (bonus points for use of their real last names) will no longer be working for Teen Vogue. While on the surface that doesn't seem so bad when you think about who will suffer the most, your mind should immediately think of Lisa Loveless. Oh my dear Lisa. Oh my dear dear Lisa. Tsk tsk tsk. What a world, huh? While "The Hills" will be continuing on for another season we are very likely to not see Lisa Loveless ever ever ever again. It seems so final, doesn't it? If you are a reader of IBBB, you know my unhealthy obsession with Lisa Loveless. Damn you Teen Vogue. Damn you!

I will miss Lisa Loveless with all my blackened heart. Hell, even my vodka soaked liver will miss her. Lisa brought me, as I'm sure many of you, 100% unconditional happiness in every scene that she was in. She made Lauren appear to be retarded, she gave Whitney self confidence, and she gave hope to a generation of reality show loser viewers (like myself).

I believe I'm still in shock right now. I've read that this is a normal phase in the grieving process. I will soon be in denial, followed by anger, sadness, and acceptance. Although I will never fully accept that Lisa Loveless is gone. Never. I will write a letter to MTV and demand she is given her own show. Ok, I won't actually write this, but I will think of the letter in my head and will one day say, "Wow, I should have actually written and sent it." Oh Lisa. My little little Lisa. I will always keep you in my heart, always. I will remember you. Will you remember me? Don't let your life pass you by. Weep not for the memories.

Lisa Loveless
(2006 - 2007)
"You'll Always Be Known As the Girl Who Never Went to Paris"

Thursday, January 15, 2009

...In Other News...

Hey Kids, Daddy's Home!

Looks like someone has been upping their diddling game! I think this is a brilliant move. It's nearly impossible to identify your diddler in a police lineup when you walk the streets wearing a face mask, all black clothes, and a black Freddie Kruger hat. I mean, your diddler could be anybody, really.

Michael Jackson was heading out of a Beverly Hills (90210) medical center yesterday when the paparazzi and those random fans who still faint when they see him (and wear one glove) snapped up some pictures of the King of the Past.

Is it just me or is it really amazing that Michael Jackson is still alive? No really. Think about it. You're kind of amazed too, right? Eh, good for him I guess. Shammmmore!

Deshawn Snow Peaces Out of Real Housewives of Atlanta. Time to Downsize.

Seriously, I think I hit "tilt" on my Photoshopping skills. Anyfoundation, Deshawn Snow of Real Housewives of Atlanta "fame" will not be appearing in the next season of the show. Apparently, the producers don't think that Deshawn is as trashtastic as the rest of the cast. That was the nice way to say it. I think unless Deshawn sported a Barbie "landing strip" wig and wrote a follow up to Kim's "Tightrope" song there really wasn't much more that she could do for the show.

According to Essence Magazine (which was always on display in the Huxtable residents), Deshawn was just given the crappy news by producers just the other day even though they already talked to her about Season 2 in late December. Check out an expert below:

ESSENCE.COM: What reason did they give for not inviting you back for the second season?SNOW: [One of the producers] called and said that I was "too human for a circus show" and that because the show did so well, they are about to pump up the drama and they didn't think that I would fit in. He gave me an example, saying that during the reunion when I found out what a few of the other ladies said about me, they were expecting me to say more, but I'm not the type to go "television" and start acting crazy because somebody's talking about me. I'm fine with the decision. It wasn't my decision. They let me go and there are no hard feelings. I am thankful for the opportunity.

Looks like Deshawn will have a little extra time to throw her brilliant charity events and hire her house manager.


Sometimes at times like these it's hard to believe in God. "These times" that I am talking about, of course, are the ones surrounding a possible remake of The Karate Kid. Let me repeat that. A remake of The Karate Kid. Oh, and it gets worse. Guess who may be playing Daniel? Will Smith's son, Jaden Smith. Oh, and it gets worse. Guess who's being tapped to play Mr. Miagi? Jackie Chan. Let me repeat that. Jackie Chan. Guess who's probably going to toss themselves out their 30th floor window? IBBB. That's who.

Next to The Hills, Bindi Irwin (that little bitch), Jodie Sweetin, and Olivia Palermo my favorite thing in life has always been The Karate Kid Part I. I know almost all the words. When my parents bought their first VCR when they first came out, it was the first movie off of HBO (when HBO was free) that my sister and I taped. We watched that tape over and over again. Fast forward 250 yrs and I am still quoting this movie. Most of my friends hate me because out of nowhere I'll be like, "Oh my God what happened to your eye" and as they look all nervous because they think there is something wrong with their eye, I yell out, "And don't tell me it was another bike accident!" Bonus points if you remember that scene.

Anyalliwithani, if they remake this movie and ruin it for me I will be devastated. Just leave it alone. Hasn't Jaden Smith ruined enough things in my life already?

If they do remake this, I request that either Mrs. Teasley plays Daniel's mother....or Jill Zarin from Real Housewives of New York. Ugh.

Put him in a body bag, Johnny, yeaaah!

He's a creampuff Johnny!

Sweep the leg!

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Drunk Gretchen from Real Housewives of the OC Makes Me Want to Actually Watch The Real Housewives of the OC. Score!

Like many of you, IBBB reader and friend - Debil Dog, has asked me numerous times to watch The Real Housewives of Orange County. She was adiment about me watching last nights episode so I Tivo'd Nip/Tuck and tuned in for the drunken debacle that was RHoOC.

First off, watching Tamra go to etiquette class is like watching Britney Spears trying hard not to say "y'all." She'll never quite get there. After completing her class, Tamra decided to throw a fancy dinner with some random chef for the whole cast. This consisted of food and a ton of alcohol. Sadly, I was without alcohol so I could barely make it through this crapisode. That was until Gretchen started to get shit-tanked.
Look, Gretchen is hot. I know it. You know it. Everyone knows it. I just wish she looked more like she was 30 and not so much like 40 and like one of "Barker's Babes" from "The Prices is Right." Let's take a journy out of the 90's and head on in to 2009.

With all that said, Gretchen totally made this episode. She got drunk. And when I say "drunk" I really mean "one tequila shot away from getting her stomach pumped." I love when reality show people get real drunk and not faux-drunk. Gretchen was slurring her words, grabbing her boobs, lifting up her dress, and flirting with Tamra's creeptastic son, Ryan, who looks like he's ready to become a professional diddler. My favorite part, of course, was when Gretchen started to yell out "Tamraaaaaaaaaaa TamRaaaaaaaaa." Pure brilliance. You know the part.

I was a little disappointed at how extra d-baggy Tamra and Vicki were for making sure Gretchen hit the "4th sheet to the wind." She was fun at 3-sheets, but got a little sloppy at 4-sheets. I figured it was just because Tamra is white-trash, so getting other people hammered is like an Olympic event for her and Vicki is dead inside, so this helped bring her back to life.

The episode ended with Gretchen (who's engaged to some dude who is in the hospital with cancer) leaving the main party and heading into the bathroom with Tamra's son. At first you can hear Gretchen telling Ryan that he can't kiss her or hug her because she's "with a great guy" already, but then she says that "he's really turning her on." Then they cut to ....."to be continued." Damn it all to hell, now I'm going to need to watch next week. Either way, Gretchen's hot. Sometimes hotness makes you cheat on people. Sometimes those people are dying in the hospital. Sometimes that happens. And "Ryan" is going to look like even more of a tool if this did happen because he tried to hook up with a drunk chick (which is normally fine) whose fiance is dying in the hospital. Way to go, dude.

Oh, by the way Lynne and her husband were there, but no one seemed to care.

What did you craptastic readers think of this crapisode? Do you think Gretchen went down for a little sucky sucky or do you think it's just crafty editing?

Get caught up on all things Real Housewives of Orange County over at the new IBBB!

Like Attracts Like. Tyra Brings the Crazies.

Oh where to begin? Where. To. Begin. After I came across (not literally) the picture of Jaslene, I ended up digging up some pictures of Tyra and her gang of lunatics at the Oxygen Media Launch Party for "America's Next Top Model: Obsessed." Yeah. Doesn't that already exist? Isn't it already called "All Day Saturday's and Sunday's on MTV and Vh1?" I'm pretty sure they're more obsessed with ANTM than any other channel possible. But I digest.

Tyra brought out her fiercest pose and not only smiled with her eyes, but smiled with her boobs as well...which I believe is first. Next up, Whitney (the plus-sized Anna Nicole Smith lookalike) posed on the red carpet in a way that made me feel like she was about to "release #2" right there on the spot. I would have paid top dollar to hear her say, "You want some monnnney? You want a Viperrrrrr?" Oh well. Finally we have Ms. J who, of course, is inexplicably wearing Mikey Mouse ears to go along with his suit and tie. Thankfully, he reminded us of exactly what Tyra's vaginastein looks like. Just when you think you remember.

I'm Like a Bird, I'll Only Fly Away

Winehouse is a like a bird, she'll only fly away. She don't know where her syringe is, she don't know where her crack home is.

Amy Roberta (just made that up) Winehouse has been enjoying the art of gymnastics, including the trapeze whilst on vacation in St. Lucia. It's great to see Amy perfecting the "skin the cat" and "spread eagle" all while her perm is free to blow in the wind and keeping a toothless smile on her rickety face.

I'm only hoping these photos will lead the networks bringing back "Circus of the Stars." I think it will be important to see Joyce DeWitt riding a unicycle on the tightrope 50 feet in the air.

Harriet Carter Wednesday: Get Pretty, Stay Pretty.

Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday! Who's ready to get sexy? I said, who's ready to get sexy! Well thanks to Harriet Carter now you can scrub the ugly off your face, pack your ponytails for your next big trip, and protect your 1982 wardrobe's shoulder pads. This week Harriet wants to get you pretty and keep you pretty. Let's go!

Product #1 - Hey there ugly ladies on a budget! Don't have hundreds of dollars for a microdermabrasion? Do you have $19.95 in your pocket? No? Well can you do about 10 $2 dollar "sucky sucky's" on the corner of Broadway and 42nd Street? Well if you answered "yes" or even "what the hell are you talking about" to any of these questions, boy does Harriet Carter have the product for you. Now, in the privacy of your own home, you can give yourself your very own microdermabrasion! I know what you're thinking, "But IBBB, I can't even cut my sandwich evenly, how could I ever scrub all the ugly off my face evenly?" Great question, trash. It's really trial and error, so just work one side of your face with this scrubber until you barely look like your old, ugly, beat down, taken one to many "shots" to the face, self and then try to mimic it on the other side. Once the blood starts the "trickling" process, you've scrubbed enough away and are ready for your "big date" at Friendly's. Now, these are tough economic times, so if you can't afford big prices like $19.95, you can actually make this at home with some simple every day items just sitting around your house. First, you'll need an electric sander. That's an electric sander. Next, you'll need to smash some coffee mugs onto your kitchen floor. Oh, and you'll need a hot glue gun. Next, glue the broken glass bits onto your electric sander. Finally, rub butter (or margarine) all over your face and work the sander across your face in a "swatting at flies" type motion. Once the swelling goes down, you'll look years younger. You're welcome.

Product #2 - Now that your all "sexied up" thanks to Product # 1, you're ready for that big trip to the Bahamas. Ohhh la la, so exotic. Nothing is more boring than being on a trip with the same ponytail all week long. How does that saying go again? Oh yeah. "Guys don't make passes at girls that wear the same ponytail every day." It rhymes. Well now you don't have to blend in with the local island whores because now you can pack all 6 of your different color ponytails because, you know, that makes sense. Some are dark blond, some are light blond, and I believe that one is actually just a brown bun. And nothing looks less creepy than carrying one of these bags through security at the airport that looks like you have children's heads locked inside. You'll be squealing with delight when you're getting a cavity search by Bertha thanks to these pieces of rotted hair. Seriously, enough with these things. And why is it that it's always some Asian chick in the middle of the mall trying to glue these things onto your head as you walk by. I'm a dude and they even try to get me to buy them. They're always like, "Excuse me, can I ask you a question?" I always reply with the simplistic answer, "I have airborne HIV." Sure, it's not overly funny, but once I walk out of Pretzel Time and back by their wooden cart, they're certainly not asking to talk to me again.

Product # 3 - How many times have you wished and prayed that there was something out there that would protect just the top half of your out-of-date clothes? I know most of my prayers to baby Jesus and Santa Christ start with this request. Well clearly my prayers have been answered because finally someone has thought up the brilliant invention of "cheap plastic over cheap clothes." I bet nothing is flammable about any of this. Look at the shit-bag clothes the sky? I don't even think it zippers. Stupid. Even the moths, who LOVE eating your clothes, aren't desperate enough to try to get through your "Fort Knox" protective clothing system you've got going on over there. Honestly, if the homeless were offered any of that crap you've got hanging there, they'd probably say, "No thanks, it's not that cold out. I'm cool." Now I may not be one of those scientists that the Research and Development team at Harriet Carter have, but I'm pretty sure you can achieve the same protection by tossing an old moldy shower curtain over your clothes. There, I just saved you $4.99. Put that money towards newer ponytails.

So Debbie Harry's Face Looks New?

So I heard some loud mouth on the subway yesterday talking to the person next to her (whose eyes were closed) about Debbie Harry supposedly having some type of face lift or face work of some sort. I thought she was talking about her friend at first until I realized that not only were they talking about the singer, Debbie Harry, but also that I was a loser for listening to their conversation.

Anylift, I did a little research and discovered these photos of Debbie Harry at "The Stephen Sprouse Book" launch party at the Atelier in New York City last night. I'm not sure if she got a face lift or just lost some may never know. All I know is that every time I hear the song "Heart of Glass" I want an anvil to drop on my head.

Jaslene Still Hasn't Fixed That Toof!

Deez is my life as a Cov-uh-gurl. Jaslene, the winner of America's Next Top Model Season Crap, was spotted with her collar bone and wacky toof at the premiere of America's Next Top Model: Obsessed party in New York City the other day.

I'm surprised that Jaslene didn't end up being even bigger than she is right now. I mean, if William Hung could make an entire career out of "She Bangs" why can't Jaslene bring herself to a whole new level thanks to her image as a self-described "Cha Cha Diva." Clearly, she the female Ricky Ricardo of our generation. Babaloo!

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

The City Recap: Whitney's 25 Second Lunch Date with Chris from Accounting Made Me Want to Turn in My US Citizenship

What perfect timing for the naked Whitney Port pictures to pop up on the Interwebsations! Before we get into the recap of The City lets discuss the fact that Whitney was being filmed in Miami going into the ocean with her microphone on and wires in her bikini. Next thing you know, Hurricane Kelly Cutrone hits shore and blew Whitney's top right off! What are the chances! Oh and "yes" these photos have been censored with the face of Lisa Love and Kelly Cutrone. You're welcome. On to the recap....

  • We are lucky enough to meet Whitney's real boss, Diane Von Fartandburp, who looks like she could totally pass as the mother of Kelly CUNTrone. I'm going to request a DNA. Diane Von Fartandburp is a sexy little minx of a decrepit old woman...and I like it. Sure if she weren't dressed to the nines and I were to pass her on the street I'd probably throw some change into her cup. I'm totally kidding. I NEVER give money to the homeless.
  • I've also decided that I'd like that cowbell at the beginning of the opening credits to be my own personal theme song. I don't mean the entire song, just the cowbell part. Like, I'll be walking into a meeting and I'd want the cowbell playing. Or, sometimes you know when you're just sitting on your couch and all of a sudden you feel like you're stomach is going to drop out of your body and you run to the can? Yeah, well I'd want the cowbell playing as I run to the bathroom. Moving on.
  • There's a big Wonder Woman party at "the store" and Whitney has been tasked with installing the windows, I believe. She's probably going to need a glass cutter, a wrench, a drop cloth, protective goggles, and a ladder. Luckily, Olivia has been instructed to "help" Whitney with this task. Olivia, of course, is only shown making sad faces, eye rolls, and half-smiles-half-frowns....all at the same time. It's like her face has turrets. Although, I'd like to cure her face of this disease and by "cure her face" I really mean "do naughty boom boom to it."
  • By the way, may I say that it is less believable that Olivia needs this crap paying job than Lauren Cockring working for Kelly CUNTrone's Pubic Revolution? I think the rule of thumb is that if you make more...or are worth more....than 5 years salary at your "reality show job" then that shouldn't be the job for you. Just volunteer at a soup kitchen or some shit.
  • I couldn't be any less interested in "The Bang's Monster" and her "Long Term Canadian Boyfriend." Remember those two tools from the first season of The Hills? One was Heidi's boyfriend and the other tool was some freak who was in love with Audrina? Yeah, well hopefully The Bangs Monster goes by the way of those two d-bags and we never see her or hear from her again!
  • Fast forward to the party at Diane Von Fartandburps. The party looks like a nightmare. Although I would pull up a metal folding chair and watch Olivia wave to people all day. In fact, I'm adding that to my "Things to Do" list for 2009.
  • .....and enter Chris. Now who the hell is this Frankie Muniz looking mother f'er? So is he balding or not? I'm confused by his head. Also, he works in the Accounting Dept at Diane Von Fartandburp? Really? What dude is like "Yeah, I'm totally doing accounting for a fashion designer. Peace out Wall Street." This kid is suspect and I'm almost certain we'll see him in future episodes of "To Catch a Predator." Check your local listings.
  • Chris gives one word answers to all the Teen Bop questions that Whitney's friend spews out at him. As Chris is leaving the shitstorm of a party he tells Whitney that they should do lunch sometime. He says it in the sort of way that a Level 3 Sex Offender says to the little kids walking to school, "You wanna pet my puppy?" Whitney should have immediately covered her vagina before she agreed to going to lunch. That should just be her rule of thumb.
  • Their lunch date couldn't be any creepier. It could only get creepier if there were vampires serving the food and spiders crawling all over the table. We did get to experience a brilliant quote from Whitney in which she tells Chris that she doesn't have "the most friends in New York." Really Whitney? You don't? It's shocking that you don't have the most friends in New York. It's a good goal, though. You should aim to totally have the most friends in New York. Kill yourself. Scratch that. Kill me.
  • Ugh this show is f'n killing me. Whitney and Ozzy Bobby head out to dinner and Ozzy mumbles that Whitney is trying to make him jealous since she's whoring it up with 2 other guys. Snooze.
  • Later, Ozzy Bobby talks to that other d-bag (who shouldn't even be in the show) and tells him that he really wants to be with Whitney (and the show). These two "dudes" are having this conversation in an empty bar in Chelsea. Yeah, that's normal.
  • Finally, Ozzy Bobby brings over some wine to Whitney's apartment and they both talk about how they've only had three relationships in their lives. Ozzy Bobby asks Whitney to be his girlfriend. At this moment I literally give my television the finger and realize that I will never get these 30 minutes back.
  • P.S, Is anyone else uncomfortable watching Whitney kiss someone? I am. I'm very uncomfortable with it.

Ok, well that'll be all. What did you City loving sons-a-bitches think of this episode?

Monday, January 12, 2009

...In Other News...

The Golden Gloves were on last night and people won stuff. In other news...

~ Kanye West is a Real Treat ~ ABH
~ Sorry, Meth Heads, Fergie is Off the Market ~ Websters
~ Celebrity Boxing Match? Sweeeeet! ~ CS
~ Celebrity Puzzle of the Day ~ Ayyyy
~ Golden Globes Roundup! ~ POTP
~ Who Pleads Guilty to Meth Charges? ~ FB
~ Paris and the Case of the Clown Feet ~ IDWYL
~ Lily Allen in the Sand ~ DSF
~ Golden Globes Pictures! ~ BS

Samantha Micelli Has "The Tyra"

Oh snap! Mrs. Rossini is going to be pissed over this! I remember what a big deal it was when Samantha Micelli didn't want to play football anymore with Tony because it hurt when she was trying to catch the football. You see, kids, Sam was sprouting breasts and Tony needed to go and buy her a training bra (the one with the little bow in the middle). Mrs. Rossini should have been called to discuss a big step like this.

Anybower, Alyssa Milano sprouted a new hairstyle ("The Tyra") and headed out to the LA Confidential Magazine Golden Globe fiesta at Skybar in LA over the weekend. I still me gusta Alyssa Milano after all these years. I also me gusta Skybar in LA. I know it's not considered "the place to be" anymore, but I still love it. There's just something about having some beers outside overlooking LA that makes me content. Maybe that's a problem, but I digress.

Fun With Lindsay Lohan's Myspace Blog: Everyone is Creepy

IBBB is bringing back a new segment tentatively titled, "Fun With Lindsay Lohan's Myspace Blog!" Catchy. When Lindsay No Pants blogs on her Myspace account people not only listen and comment, but all the freaks come out of the woodwork. The other day Lindsay blogged something about some song. Pointless.

Below are some of my favorite comments to Lindsay.....with my thoughts underneath theirs. Good times:

~ Dude, blowin the tree sounds like some risky behavior. Plus, what the hell are you talking about? Also, unless you're a 7 year old girl signing her grandfather's 75th birthday card please never sign things "oxoxoxox."

~ I love when "the fans" turn on Lohan. I had a hard time fully understanding the insults due to the lack of any form of punctuation. The only time you should skip a period is if you're pregnant. Wow, that was deep. I'm wicked smaaaaht.

~ Huh? Wait. What? Ummm. Huh? What was so "beautiful" about what Lohan wrote? I mean, when she said, "but i'm not so quick with myspace sometimes" that really was a pretty sentence. P.S Lindsay is kind of a baby, I guess.

~ Can I make a citizens arrest on this chick for possible stalking? I love knowing every little thing about you? Really? Yeah, that's not creepy at all. I hope your parents aren't looking over your shoulder when you type shit like this on the "family computer" in the living room while they're watching Wheel of Fortune.

~ Well don't you see seem like quite the dish. You have a song tattooed all over your body and you're alone drinking a bottle of tequila all while sending one Ms. Lindsay Lohan a myspace message? Well the "personal ad" practically writes itself! Stop drinking. Thanks.

~ Yeah that sounds like an AWESOME idea. There's nothing I'd like more than to hear Lohan butchering all my favorite songs. Plus, I'm sure Tyra Banks is in the process of doing this right now anyway.

~ Creapo alert! Watching a Lindsay movie while on Lindsay's myspace and typing a message to Lindsay? Priceless. I bet Linds loves that. She should have finished her message with "I'm also drawing freckles all over my body with a red Sharpie. Should I stop once I hit 10,000 or keep going?"