Wednesday, January 28, 2009

The City Recap: Olivia and Whitney Have a Sassoff! What Was Whitney ThinkinK?

Hey all (or y'all) - sorry this recap is late. As you know I'm in the process of having this little site designed and was supposed to relaunch yesterday. Well that didn't happen. The site is ready, but just doesn't work....meaning I can't upload anything new to it. So, yeah, that's a problem. Oh, and my web people have no idea how to fix that so it's been a wonderful experience. I actually have no idea now when it will be ready. Good times. Well back to The City Recap. Anyway, here's what went down on the latest crapisode of The City....cow bell.....cow bell....

  • In typical "Who's the Boss" cliffhangers, we have a continuation of The City in which we will discover the confrontation between Allie and Catarina, which I will now refer to as "Operation Allie Cat." See what I did there?

  • We start off with Whitney being extremely productive at work (just like the good old days) and combing through her Google email as Olivia "catwalks" into the office wearing what I can only assume is the top half of an ostrich costume. In cases like this I can only hope that that "carpet doesn't match the drapes" because, well, those ostrich feathers are too long and too dark. She'd be like a cavewoman or even worse, someone from one of those middle eastern countries where they just hide behind beat-up cars and throw rocks at each other while the National Geographic Channel films it for a documentary. Yeah, so....

  • Whitney is kind enough to invite my future wife, Olivia, to some crap-bag art show that her friend is having to which Olivia will need to check her busy schedule and let her know if she can make it. Please. There is no doubt in my mind that Olivia won't be there. I mean, afterall there will be a camera crew there.

  • Whoa. Wait. Stop the press. What do we have here? Whitney starts telling Olivia about the faux-drama that's going down with her friends and Olivia basically goes bat-shit-crazy on her. She tells Whitney that it's too much information for her and that she's 23 yrs old and not in high school anymore, so she needs to stay out of the drama. Whitney looks as if she just witnessed someone shooting her puppy and skinning it alive. Perhaps that's what Olivia made her coat/vest out of. Look, Olivia does have a point though. Unfortunately if Whitney "doesn't get involved in the drama" there would be just one issue. There wouldn't really be "a show for Olivia to be on." Count your blessings, skank.

  • Ugh. Catarina and Samantha (why do I know their names) are having lunch and talking about Adam not telling Catarina that he had a girlfriend. I'm not just saying this because I gave a "Who's the Boss" reference at the beginning of this, but I totally think that Catarina looks like Billy from Who's the Boss. Remember that kid that was in the second to last season that Tony and Angela had to take care of? Seriously, she does. And, I mean, she's having lunch with Samantha. "Samantha." As in "Micelli?" I think I may have cracked the code of The City. This damn show is loosely based off of Who's the Boss! It's all making sense to me now.

  • Whitney Speech Impediment Alert: Whitney is getting ready for the art show and tells Erin "I've never really been to an art openinK before!" Ding! Ding! Ding! There's the Whit we've all come to know and love! She's back! By the way, it doesn't look like clothes hanging in Whitney's closet, it looks like furniture pattern samples.

  • Well, it's Art Gallery night and all the freaks have come out of the woodwork. Sure I'm judging based on looks alone, but I'm not sure how else to judge people. Whitney continues her tribute to Cheri Johnson and wears a silver headband/dog collar around her forehead. I wish Whitney would get locked in a refrigerator just like Cheri did.

  • "Operation Allie Cat" is about to go down. Strap on your scripted buckles because it's going to be a scripted bumpy scripted ride. Script. At one point Whitney and Allie are standing directly behind Catarina and Samantha. It's not like Catarina doesn't know that they're standing right behind them. I mean Whitney looks like she's dressed like a Super Hero....there's no way you don't notice that.

  • Oh good, as Operation Allie Cat progresses Whitney is just standing there with her head completely down. Look up, Whitney! Come on, you always watch a train-wreck taking place. Always!
  • Cat does confess to Allie that she and Adam did kiss and he never told her he had a girlfriend. Allie looks like she's having an out-of-body experience, which makes sense because she does look a little alien that explains a lot. Anycrap, Allie tells Cat to look her in the eyes and tell her "female to female" that this really happened. Hmmm, eye to eye? Hmmm female to female? Sounds like someone is about to play some lesbian reindeer games! Sweeeet!

  • Allie allows one tear to trickle down her face. She's nothing like Lauren Conrad, who lets the whole kitchen sink drain from her eyes along with about 6 pounds of makeup. I miss that sludge all over her face. Ahhhh.

  • Somehow Catarina makes this all about her and says she doesn't feel well and then is crying. Why the hell is she crying? Oh wait. Is it because she looks like a home-wrecking-whore on national television? Or the fact that from a side-profile shot she has a little bucky-beaver teeth sticking out....and she kinda looks like Billy from "Who's the Boss?" These are all normal questions that you should be processing whilst you watch this show. It's all normal to think these things. I am not crazy at all. At all. At. All.

  • Allie locks herself in the bathroom and Whitney and her Super Hero outfit follow her in. Adam goes in behind her to tell Allie that Cat is lying. This is one of the first 15 times that we hear Allie reference "female to female." Is this all drunk talk? I hope so.

  • The fight continues onto the street and this time Allie changes out "female to female" to "man to man." Hold up. I'm getting confused. Allie asks Adam how he would feel if the roles were reversed and he says he would feel the same which Allie starts yelling and crying "You'd feel the same way? You'd feel the same way? What do you mean you'd feel the same way?" Seriously, is someone smelling burnt toast because I think Allie is having a stroke. She then continues by saying, "So you mean you could 'imagine' feeling the same that what you're saying?" What the Christ is she talking about? This argument is turning into a grammar lesson. And I'm lost. No surprise there.
  • I think Allie is a broken hearted girl. I say that because I believe Beyonce is singing that as Allie is getting into the cab. Personally, I would have chosen them to play "Smack My Bitch Up" but that's just me. Maybe you'd have a different song selection preference.
  • Meanwhile, Olivia and Nevan are chatting like school girls about the night and the people that were at the art gallery. Listening to these two talk to each other is like watching the mother and daughter from the Gilmore Girls have dialogue. It's so quick back and forth...and pointless.
  • Whitney is starting to play the creepy girlfriend. She and Ozzy Bobby are talking about whether they think Adam lied about hooking up with Catarina. Ozzy Bobby believes Adam and Whitney thinks that you are a reflection of your friends. I'm not sure if she really believes that or is just basically spewing out quotes from fortune cookies. I'm surprised she didn't end her conversation with Ozzy Bobby by saying, "Your lucky numbers are 2, 14, 24, 6,23."

  • Finally, in conclusion, Allie and Adam smooth things over in an awkward way. More importantly we get to see Adam sporting a very shiny coat. Very shiny. Kinda like those plastic Halloween kids costumes that they sell on plastic hangers at Walgreens or CVS. I bet it came with a matching mask. I bet all of it stinks like Shrinky Dinks burning in the oven. Anyway, who cares. Fire both of them from this show. More Olivia! More Olivia! Just give Olivia her own show where she just roles her eyes the whole time. Seriously, I'd watch that. I' d watch 22 minutes of eye rolling. I basically do now.

Next week it's the return of Kelly CUNTrone! I can't wait! Me gusta Kelly big time!

So what did you guys think of this episode. Not horrible, right? I'm still obsessed with the cowbell in the opening credits. Also, The City just got picked up for a second season so I'm not going anywhere. You hear that!

Catch up on on The City Recaps


Anonymous said...

This shitty show is actually making me miss seeing Lauren, Dumbdrina and JBob. Whitney, Erin and OzzyBob (their City counterparts) just don't do it for me.

Your recaps are amazinK though!

The Waspy Redhead said...

I feel like the production value is higher on this show. Sometimes on the Hills the person holding the cue cards would distract poor Heidi... Whitney seems to either be memorizing her lines, or they have invested in teleprompters.

Glad to see you embracing the greatest show on TV.

Farah said...

Olivia is so envious of Whitney that she cant hide it anymore. She cant even stand to hear the chick speak. I strongly believe that Olivia wants to gun-butt Whitney.

Anonymous said...

I was laughing my ass off. Why was Whitney asking Cat if she is alright before even taking care of her so called friend Allie. What is wrong with u people?!
On the street Adam is actually saying "I feel the same" like in "I feel the same right now". That why Allie was getting upset (not really the strongest or even right word for Allies breakdown)
And i cant believe that u didnt mention Allies creepy eye makeup. What the hell. Makes her look even more awkward.
Anyways.. Loooove the show. And i am in love with the recaps.
Keep it up
Greetings from Germany

that's what she said...

ain't nothin' cuter than a fat country baby eatin' peaches on a hardwood floor!

Anonymous said...

your lucky numbers are...

Anonymous said...

I must admit I am a fan of the cowbell's as well. It sort of gets me pumped up for the show (is that weird?), only to be let down and bored out of my mind. However, this weeks wasn't so bad and your recap this week was my favorite. Worth the wait!

Anonymous said...

The cowbell totally pumps me up for the show. ANDDD I tried to download that sh*t off iTunes and it's not even on there!!!! Its by those skanks the Pussycat Dolls if you were wondering IBBB.

Keep recapping, I love it!!

Bernardo said...


first things first: Allie is super hot! don't care if u think she looks like an alien or something..i love her look.

second: Adam's jacket was actually pretty cool but his "I'm sorry honey" drove me crazy...the guy said it like 20 times. no girls in the house??? olivia,dear, ur cousin is 100% QUEER.

that samantha chick....she has the jaw of a horse. She's giving heidi a run for her money.

Hey,...did u know spencer pratt beat the shit out of cameron??? as in the ex-boyfriend of his sister cameron?

Anonymous said...

Allie reminds me of the scary girl in The Grudge movies!!!
What kind of a model is Allie? She just looks really short.
Did you see the nasty wet patch under Nevin's armpit when he was laying around talking to Olivia?
Also, Allie nearly tripped over in one scene that involved her going near a car.

Bernardo said...

Check this u know who is?
I give u a hint....its someone from the city(obviously)...and she models :P

Trac3 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Trac3 said...

I honestly don't know what made me laugh the most:
1) Olivia jumping down Whitney's throat re: friends drama
2) Whitney's superhero head band at the art show
3) Two random people dancing at the art show who looked like they took a wrong turn on the way to a Grateful Dead concert.
I think I might somehow try to splice these 3 random scenes together to tide me over until Kelly the Cunts appearance next week.

maude said...

I LOVE The City!! And your re-caps!! I cant wait for Mondays now!!!

Anonymous said...

ur racist i dont like u