What perfect timing for the naked Whitney Port pictures to pop up on the Interwebsations! Before we get into the recap of The City lets discuss the fact that Whitney was being filmed in Miami going into the ocean with her microphone on and wires in her bikini. Next thing you know, Hurricane Kelly Cutrone hits shore and blew Whitney's top right off! What are the chances! Oh and "yes" these photos have been censored with the face of Lisa Love and Kelly Cutrone. You're welcome. On to the recap....
- We are lucky enough to meet Whitney's real boss, Diane Von Fartandburp, who looks like she could totally pass as the mother of Kelly CUNTrone. I'm going to request a DNA. Diane Von Fartandburp is a sexy little minx of a decrepit old woman...and I like it. Sure if she weren't dressed to the nines and I were to pass her on the street I'd probably throw some change into her cup. I'm totally kidding. I NEVER give money to the homeless.
- I've also decided that I'd like that cowbell at the beginning of the opening credits to be my own personal theme song. I don't mean the entire song, just the cowbell part. Like, I'll be walking into a meeting and I'd want the cowbell playing. Or, sometimes you know when you're just sitting on your couch and all of a sudden you feel like you're stomach is going to drop out of your body and you run to the can? Yeah, well I'd want the cowbell playing as I run to the bathroom. Moving on.
- There's a big Wonder Woman party at "the store" and Whitney has been tasked with installing the windows, I believe. She's probably going to need a glass cutter, a wrench, a drop cloth, protective goggles, and a ladder. Luckily, Olivia has been instructed to "help" Whitney with this task. Olivia, of course, is only shown making sad faces, eye rolls, and half-smiles-half-frowns....all at the same time. It's like her face has turrets. Although, I'd like to cure her face of this disease and by "cure her face" I really mean "do naughty boom boom to it."
- By the way, may I say that it is less believable that Olivia needs this crap paying job than Lauren Cockring working for Kelly CUNTrone's Pubic Revolution? I think the rule of thumb is that if you make more...or are worth more....than 5 years salary at your "reality show job" then that shouldn't be the job for you. Just volunteer at a soup kitchen or some shit.
- I couldn't be any less interested in "The Bang's Monster" and her "Long Term Canadian Boyfriend." Remember those two tools from the first season of The Hills? One was Heidi's boyfriend and the other tool was some freak who was in love with Audrina? Yeah, well hopefully The Bangs Monster goes by the way of those two d-bags and we never see her or hear from her again!
- Fast forward to the party at Diane Von Fartandburps. The party looks like a nightmare. Although I would pull up a metal folding chair and watch Olivia wave to people all day. In fact, I'm adding that to my "Things to Do" list for 2009.
- .....and enter Chris. Now who the hell is this Frankie Muniz looking mother f'er? So is he balding or not? I'm confused by his head. Also, he works in the Accounting Dept at Diane Von Fartandburp? Really? What dude is like "Yeah, I'm totally doing accounting for a fashion designer. Peace out Wall Street." This kid is suspect and I'm almost certain we'll see him in future episodes of "To Catch a Predator." Check your local listings.
- Chris gives one word answers to all the Teen Bop questions that Whitney's friend spews out at him. As Chris is leaving the shitstorm of a party he tells Whitney that they should do lunch sometime. He says it in the sort of way that a Level 3 Sex Offender says to the little kids walking to school, "You wanna pet my puppy?" Whitney should have immediately covered her vagina before she agreed to going to lunch. That should just be her rule of thumb.
- Their lunch date couldn't be any creepier. It could only get creepier if there were vampires serving the food and spiders crawling all over the table. We did get to experience a brilliant quote from Whitney in which she tells Chris that she doesn't have "the most friends in New York." Really Whitney? You don't? It's shocking that you don't have the most friends in New York. It's a good goal, though. You should aim to totally have the most friends in New York. Kill yourself. Scratch that. Kill me.
- Ugh this show is f'n killing me. Whitney and Ozzy Bobby head out to dinner and Ozzy mumbles that Whitney is trying to make him jealous since she's whoring it up with 2 other guys. Snooze.
- Later, Ozzy Bobby talks to that other d-bag (who shouldn't even be in the show) and tells him that he really wants to be with Whitney (and the show). These two "dudes" are having this conversation in an empty bar in Chelsea. Yeah, that's normal.
- Finally, Ozzy Bobby brings over some wine to Whitney's apartment and they both talk about how they've only had three relationships in their lives. Ozzy Bobby asks Whitney to be his girlfriend. At this moment I literally give my television the finger and realize that I will never get these 30 minutes back.
- P.S, Is anyone else uncomfortable watching Whitney kiss someone? I am. I'm very uncomfortable with it.
Ok, well that'll be all. What did you City loving sons-a-bitches think of this episode?