Tuesday, January 13, 2009

The City Recap: Whitney's 25 Second Lunch Date with Chris from Accounting Made Me Want to Turn in My US Citizenship



What perfect timing for the naked Whitney Port pictures to pop up on the Interwebsations! Before we get into the recap of The City lets discuss the fact that Whitney was being filmed in Miami going into the ocean with her microphone on and wires in her bikini. Next thing you know, Hurricane Kelly Cutrone hits shore and blew Whitney's top right off! What are the chances! Oh and "yes" these photos have been censored with the face of Lisa Love and Kelly Cutrone. You're welcome. On to the recap....


  • We are lucky enough to meet Whitney's real boss, Diane Von Fartandburp, who looks like she could totally pass as the mother of Kelly CUNTrone. I'm going to request a DNA. Diane Von Fartandburp is a sexy little minx of a decrepit old woman...and I like it. Sure if she weren't dressed to the nines and I were to pass her on the street I'd probably throw some change into her cup. I'm totally kidding. I NEVER give money to the homeless.
  • I've also decided that I'd like that cowbell at the beginning of the opening credits to be my own personal theme song. I don't mean the entire song, just the cowbell part. Like, I'll be walking into a meeting and I'd want the cowbell playing. Or, sometimes you know when you're just sitting on your couch and all of a sudden you feel like you're stomach is going to drop out of your body and you run to the can? Yeah, well I'd want the cowbell playing as I run to the bathroom. Moving on.
  • There's a big Wonder Woman party at "the store" and Whitney has been tasked with installing the windows, I believe. She's probably going to need a glass cutter, a wrench, a drop cloth, protective goggles, and a ladder. Luckily, Olivia has been instructed to "help" Whitney with this task. Olivia, of course, is only shown making sad faces, eye rolls, and half-smiles-half-frowns....all at the same time. It's like her face has turrets. Although, I'd like to cure her face of this disease and by "cure her face" I really mean "do naughty boom boom to it."
  • By the way, may I say that it is less believable that Olivia needs this crap paying job than Lauren Cockring working for Kelly CUNTrone's Pubic Revolution? I think the rule of thumb is that if you make more...or are worth more....than 5 years salary at your "reality show job" then that shouldn't be the job for you. Just volunteer at a soup kitchen or some shit.
  • I couldn't be any less interested in "The Bang's Monster" and her "Long Term Canadian Boyfriend." Remember those two tools from the first season of The Hills? One was Heidi's boyfriend and the other tool was some freak who was in love with Audrina? Yeah, well hopefully The Bangs Monster goes by the way of those two d-bags and we never see her or hear from her again!
  • Fast forward to the party at Diane Von Fartandburps. The party looks like a nightmare. Although I would pull up a metal folding chair and watch Olivia wave to people all day. In fact, I'm adding that to my "Things to Do" list for 2009.
  • .....and enter Chris. Now who the hell is this Frankie Muniz looking mother f'er? So is he balding or not? I'm confused by his head. Also, he works in the Accounting Dept at Diane Von Fartandburp? Really? What dude is like "Yeah, I'm totally doing accounting for a fashion designer. Peace out Wall Street." This kid is suspect and I'm almost certain we'll see him in future episodes of "To Catch a Predator." Check your local listings.
  • Chris gives one word answers to all the Teen Bop questions that Whitney's friend spews out at him. As Chris is leaving the shitstorm of a party he tells Whitney that they should do lunch sometime. He says it in the sort of way that a Level 3 Sex Offender says to the little kids walking to school, "You wanna pet my puppy?" Whitney should have immediately covered her vagina before she agreed to going to lunch. That should just be her rule of thumb.
  • Their lunch date couldn't be any creepier. It could only get creepier if there were vampires serving the food and spiders crawling all over the table. We did get to experience a brilliant quote from Whitney in which she tells Chris that she doesn't have "the most friends in New York." Really Whitney? You don't? It's shocking that you don't have the most friends in New York. It's a good goal, though. You should aim to totally have the most friends in New York. Kill yourself. Scratch that. Kill me.
  • Ugh this show is f'n killing me. Whitney and Ozzy Bobby head out to dinner and Ozzy mumbles that Whitney is trying to make him jealous since she's whoring it up with 2 other guys. Snooze.
  • Later, Ozzy Bobby talks to that other d-bag (who shouldn't even be in the show) and tells him that he really wants to be with Whitney (and the show). These two "dudes" are having this conversation in an empty bar in Chelsea. Yeah, that's normal.
  • Finally, Ozzy Bobby brings over some wine to Whitney's apartment and they both talk about how they've only had three relationships in their lives. Ozzy Bobby asks Whitney to be his girlfriend. At this moment I literally give my television the finger and realize that I will never get these 30 minutes back.
  • P.S, Is anyone else uncomfortable watching Whitney kiss someone? I am. I'm very uncomfortable with it.

Ok, well that'll be all. What did you City loving sons-a-bitches think of this episode?

www.myspace.com/ImBringingBloggingBack




21 comments:

Shannon said...

LOL Funny as always :0)

I agree that Erin and her boyfriend are pointless. It's sad when Whitney is the most interesting one on the show.

I hope Lisa Love has a guest appearance on The City!!!!!!!!!!!!!

carrie johnson fireboo said...

ozzy bobby's voice should be like, dubbed. morgan freeman could do it.
and you should write them a letter saying that they need to stop the kissing..

it was a ok show. ok. the recap was way better though.

Abs said...

I think it is very interesting how all of Whitney's lines end with a question mark?

It was most apparent to me when she was talking to Erin in her bedroom. Every line she said always ended in a higher pitch and with a question mark?

Can we get some editors???

Oh, and I totally thought Olivia was going to rat out Whitney when she was at lunch??

What about James Earl Jones for Ozzy Bobby's voice over?? That might be interesting

Anonymous said...

Even tho a bowl of friggin shredded wheat is more exciting than this shittery of a show, I can't stop watching it! But your recaps are always wayyyyyy better than the actual crapisode!

Keep it up IBBB!

that's what she said...

did duh-nkin almost get hit by a new york city cab when he was chatting outside with bangs-monster?

Lizzie said...

totally agree, Whitney kissing is really creepy and awkward, and she doesn't have "the most friends" yet she has been there 3 months...c'mon you would know more than 2 people by now.

I also loved how DVF stroked whitneys hair in the first scene, very odd. And if I hear Olivia use the word "toodles" ever again i will throw up.

Anonymous said...

i hate tv shows that make me feel uncomfortable and whitney truly makes that happen on the city.

Loved your Frankie Muniz reference. I forgot about that tool.

LiFo said...

Ugh...Olivia is an insufferable cunt. And Whitney is fast beginning to remind me of a "Walmart greeter"

molly said...

I Love the city.. Its only on its 3rd episode and I cant wait for the next Monday to come around for the next episode. To correct you on the guys at the empty bar.... Adam ...the guy you called a d'bag..who I happen to think he is an awesome guy whos accomplished alot.. owns the restaurant they were at. So that can explain why the bar is empty... He could have been there b4 or after opening. I like Jay also. He seems to be a cool guy. Who knows how MTV edits these shows.

IBBB said...

Um, Molly? Oh, hey there. Uh, I'm pretty damn busy trying to be negative and make fun of people, so, uh, if you could try "supporting your friends" somewhere else that would be great.

As far as Ozzy Bobby's voice goes, I'd prefer the voiceover to be Fozzy Bear.

-IBBB

Kasey said...

word

Anonymous said...

IBBB, once again great post. Also, I think Alyssa Milano could give the Bangs Monster a run for her money.

Jillian said...

Did anyone notice the clothes moving back and forth behind Whitney in Erin's bedroom? They kept moving all over....damn editing machine. Great recap - love you IBBB.

Viva La Mexico said...

toodles, jajajaja amo a olivia y que mtv la pase haciendo caras feas cuando podria ni siquiera estar en el mismo edificio que whitney mientras pasa, podria simplemente haber olido algo feo y mtv lo pasaria mientras whitney habla

JVee said...

IBBB!

Awesome response to Molly, further proving my theory that a segment called "Fun with IBBB's Blog Comments" would be a hit.

Fozzy ftw!

Anonymous said...

I cringed hearing Olivia say "I'm well" to Jay on the phone. That's Status-Obsessed Douchebag for "I'm fine" or "Great, how are you?" or other normal person responses to the "How are you?" pleasantry. She is undoubtedly convinced that her breeding is flawless...I'd like to see her drunk sometime and watch how polished she is then.

Carrie said...

hehehehe funny recrap as always Mister Cutie Cute...

Feening said...

I have a feeling Jay will be the next Spencer. Dude wants to possess Whitney. I dont think he really honestly likes her like that....

Anonymous said...

Eh gad! That show is so boring and lame. What is the excitement? And whitneys voice is so annoying. The valley girl thing makes me wanna hang myself.

Anonymous said...

whitney is the most boring leading character in an reality show ever, her personality is like a washrag. anyway, i watch to see olivia. plus, this show makes me miss the real stories of the hills

HUDAKKK said...

that little accountant diddler should date Lo. they both have the same dull personality, as well as the same creepy stare!