Wednesday, January 07, 2009

Harriet Carter Wednesday: A Poopy For Your Thoughts? Get It? I Said "Poopy" Instead of "Penny." Was That Not Clear? Poop.

Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday! This is the first HCW in 2009. This means I am officially 2 years down without a Harriet Carter lawsuit or a restraining order from Failure Model Chick. There's a lot to be thankful for. This week, Harriet feeds your children animal poop, dressed up your local pedophile, and continues her obsession with horses. Let's go!

Product # 1 - Hey kids! Come downstairs and get yourself a handful of animal shit! Don't bother washing them, just stick out your hand and let this little wooden moose drop a stink attack on your palms. Don't even bother filling these animals with candy. Hell no! Simply dunk them in your toilet and fill them up with your own "homemade candy" and dispense them to your whiny kids. For some extra fun, feel free to fill these animals with actual candy and then later take them to the zoo and tell them that there really is candy in the horse that he's petting. You'll all be squealing with delight when Junior pulls the horses tail and animal feces comes pouring out instead of some colorful Nerds. Be sure to bring a camera because you'll want to blow up these memories and hang them over the fireplace. Seriously, whatever happened to a good old fashion Pez dispenser? Those were simpler times. I only eat my candy out of a moose's head and not his bum bum. Poop.

Product # 2 - Are you a Level 3 Sex Offender who is so tired of just blending into the background? Wanna be able to cause absolute terror and mayhem, but just don't feel like you have your creepy look down to a science yet? Well buckle up, my diddling friends, because Harriet will have you looking like you're about to diddle just about everyone and everything in sight with this snazzy hat and long ratty, curly, smelly, wig. Thank God they had clearly labeled these as "before" and "after" because I would have had no way of knowing just what they were selling....or even what the difference was!? No joke, this dude doesn't even need to say anything. You can totally read it on his face that he's thinking, "Get in the car kids! Wanna pet my puppy?" Run kids. Run. Imagine seeing this creepo answering the door when your kids ring his doorbell on Halloween? Honestly, what do you do if you're asked to model this for a catalog? I mean, I'd model a wig like that that's made for your "Mr. Winky Claus" but I have no standards. Ok, that'll be all.
Product # 3 - Do people really like horses this much? I can understand loving animals....actually I can't since I hate all animals....but isn't this taking things a little overboard? What exactly do they mean when they say "You never see a horse parked in front of a psychiatrist's office." Huh? Of course you don't. What's your point? You also don't see a horse parked in front of a school, at the movies, in a supermarket, at church, filing his taxes, or at your local IKEA. Does that mean those places are bad to go to as well? I'm confused. If I could create a horse t-shirt it would say something sweet like, "Horses. They never met a hymen they couldn't break." That's nice, right? I like it. I'm going to start making those t-shirts STAT!

Get all caught up on Harriet Carter Wednesday and have a horrific cry over the latest and worst Harriet Carter products at the new


Webmaster said...

Concerning the sex offender issue.
Perhaps we should have anyone who sends or receives sexting photos, register as a sex offender and then they can be made to stay away from children and 2000 feet from schools, churches, playgrounds and where ever children congregate.

While we are at it, we should make all bank robbers live 2000 feet from all banks and not be allowed to go within 1000 feet of a bank or where banks congregate.

Also, any one convicted of a DUI should not be allowed to live within 2000 feet of where alcohol is sold and shall not be allowed to enter those establishments. After all, Alcohol kills more children and ruins more lives than drugs and is the leading gate way to hard drugs.

We can do the same thing with drugs, dealers and users alike.

Just think how effective this will be.

Highlights include the following:

* Released prisoners with the highest rearrest rates were robbers (70.2%), burglars (74.0%),

larcenists (74.6%),

motor vehicle thieves (78.8%),

those in prison for possessing or selling stolen property (77.4%),

and those in prison for possessing, using, or selling illegal weapons (70.2%).

* Within 3 years, 2.5% of released rapists were arrested for another rape,

and 1.2% of those who had served time for homicide were arrested for homicide.

* The 272,111 offenders discharged in 1994 had accumulated 4.1 million arrest charges before their most recent imprisonment and another 744,000 charges within 3 years of release.

Residential proximity to schools and daycare centers: Influence on sex offense recidivism An empirical analysis

carrie johnson fireboo said...

haha these products are so stupid... mein gott.

Anonymous said...

I had a very FMC x-mas! You would have loved it! -your friend

Grace said...

I don't know what's funnier, the fact that these horrid items exist, or that people actually BUY them. Did you notice that the "poopers" were priced at "24.90, NOW 24.98"?

Also, the creepy hair pictures could have been reversed -- perhaps as "do-it-yourself mullet removal." The model guy is so laughably ugly, too... Failure Model Guy?

Keep up the HCW's -- they make me laugh like no other blog can do.

The Craptastic Voyager said...

I love Harriet Carter. Being Canadian I had never heard of her before I found you, but now I'm glad that I did. Who buys this stuff?
Also as an avid PEZ dispenser collector, I too would never want to eat candy from anywhere other then the neck.
Keep doing what you do, you will be rewarded richly in life.