Monday, January 12, 2009

True Beauty: What Isn't Tyra a Part of These Days....Besides Reality?

So IBBB reader, Laurie, emailed me to see if she could recap True Beauty. I figured, why not. And, I also figured that if I do this I'm pretty much as good as the people who started the Make a Wish Foundation. Same thing, right? I'm making dreams come true to people without diseases. This is sure to get me right into heaven. Check out Laurie's recap below. Oh, and if you hate it....I had nothing to do with it. Oh, and if you love it.....I'm good as spotting talent.

Alright, so this is my first recap of True Beauty and going into I knew two things. 1. It is being produced by Ashton Kutcher and Tyra Banks, so it's favorable that there would be unintentional comedy and also a certain air of d-bagishness. 2. That the show was essentially an America's Next Top Model rip-off but with a twist. Kind of like a stale beer with a lemon.

The premiere starts with Vanessa Minnillo, famous for having sex with Nick Lachey and also for being a former Miss Teen USA, explain the competition. In short, 10 contestants will compete against one another to find "America's Most Beautiful Person." The contestants believe it is a straight up beauty competition, but not so fast, because those originality masters over at ABC are also testing contestants on their inner beauty, mostly by hiding secret cameras and planting actors in various situations to see how these losers react when faced with moral dilemmas like "should I help, or just stare blankly in another direction." The winner receives $100,000 and a chance to be featured in People Magazine's Most Beautiful People issue.

The judges are Vanessa Minnillo, loser, Nole Marin, formally of the first few seasons of ANTM where he would fight endlessly with Janice Dickson and also comment on the girl's weight, which I will admit having an issue with based solely on the fact that Nole Marin looks like a puffin, and finally Cheryl Tiegs, who they have dubbed, "America's First REAL Supermodel." That was clearly a dig Janice by Tyra Banks. We are five minutes into an hour long episode and I am already thinking about how much I hate Tyra Banks….maybe this wasn't such a great idea.

Let's meet the contestants, shall we:

Laura Leigh – Likes being loud and obnoxious and the center of attention and wonders if this is a bad thing. Yes, in your case, this is very bad thing.

Billy – Billy owns a vitamin store and is also a Chip and Dales dancer. Ok, Billy also looks like is 50 and the gay brother of Sam Champion from Good Morning America. Let's hope he sticks around long enough to see a dance.

Monique – My first thought is Rumor Willis. That a-hole Ashton casted his ugly step daughter as a beautiful person. You are not fooling anyone Ashton. And the second Monique pulls out a camera and starts writing things in white letters like that infuriating commercial of yours where you walk around and women fawn over you even though everyone knows you are a loser, well, then I will know for sure that I am right. Monique has just graduated college with a masters in biology. Not two minutes later, she admits to not knowing what a bicep is. True story.

Joel – Joel is the token Guido. He explains that his life goal is to work out enough to look good naked. He does not crack a smile while saying this. I hope Joel gets eliminated after the commercial break and I never have to think about this again.

Julia – The pageant girl. The most important thing in her life is her eyebrow extensions. She fails to mention her green eye contacts, but I suspect they are important to her also.

Side Note: At this point the contestants are sitting around discussing how most of them were voted best looking in high school. One, I think and also assume to be Joel, says that he assumed everyone in the competition would have been best looking in high school. This is the second time I think I might have made a mistake in deciding to watch this show.

CJ – CJ thinks that time stops when he walks into the room. He compares this to Michael Jordan entering a basketball arena.

Chelsea – I thought I hated Rumor Willis the most until they introduced Chelsea. She looks like she's 35, been in the back of too many cars, and hasn't washed the foundation off her face in the last decade. She explains that she always used to think people were staring at her because she was freak, until she realized it was because she was beautiful. That's too much of a layup to even comment.

Hadiyyah-lah – Seriously. She explains how to pronounce it, but listening to her talk is so painful, and her resemblance to Isis the tranny on ANTM so similar that I am going just call her Isis. Done and Done. Oh, and she insufferable.

Ashley – She's from the Bronx has $100,000 worth of designer dresses.

Ray – Self proclaimed cocky SOB. He looks like he's just left a bar and its 8 am. Kidding aside his eyes are the color cotton candy.

So we have met the contestants and they are making a toast to being pretty. At this time I am going pick the three contestants I believe will win this competition. Drum roll……. No one. If this show survives without being cancelled, we all lose.

So its time for the first "twist." VM explains that the producers have planted an actor who accidentally spills water on the all the contestants and then falls over, knocking melted chocolate onto everyone and causing all hell to break loose. Rumor Willis is no joke slipping around in the chocolate like she is pudding wrestling. Laura Leigh is wigging out about her ugly sandals. The only one trying to help is Ray and I think his primary motivation is trying to touch enough thighs to possibly score some funny business later.

Next the contestants go to the house where they will be staying. The best part about the house is that there is a portrait of each contestant over their bed. Initially I was shocked that they had the brain capacity to recognize themselves. Then I remembered their collective vanity. At one point Chelsea is gazing at portrait and says "Wow, its unreal." No Chelsea, I assure you, it is real. Go wipe off at least 4 layers of your makeup.

Now here is a touching moment. CJ is sitting in the dark kitchen writing a journal entry while wearing sunglasses, about being a fat kid deep down. "I am a slave to a fat suit." That's deep. Chelsea cries. Perhaps if he weren't wearing red hater blockers and her tear drops were able to get over the chunk of concealer on her cheek, this moment would seem genuine.

Next up, its competition time! The beauties have to travel into Beverly Hills in the Beauty Bus to find out from some magic doctor what their scientific beauty score is. Before the judges arrive Joel tells Chelsea that he doesn't like her. I hear you Joel. For a second I think maybe I like Joel. One full second.

The "twist" in this competition is that the kids are left alone after being tested and everyone else's files are laid out in front of them. If they look into the other's files – FAIL. If they sit quietly – PASS. This pass/fail, in addition to their beauty score, will determine who stays and who goes. Here is the skinny – Everyone passes except Laura and Isis who both shamelessly rifle through the others files.

Next they get their beauty scores. 85 – 90 points is considered beautiful and 90 – 100 is star quality. The two people with the lowest scores will up for elimination and I guess tested on their inner beauty. Honestly, I don't know at this point. Anything could happen.

Monique – 91
Ray – 92
Ashley – 94
CJ – 94 (he thinks this is a bad system. Yeah ok, 94)
Billy – 95 (despite being 50 years old, not bad)
Joel – 95 (says he wants to thank his mom and dad for this honor)
Laura – 94
Julia – 91

And the bottom two are Chelsea and Isis. So now it's more of a choice of who I want to go home more. I am thinking Chelsea. I have yet to find a redeeming quality. At least when Isis flipped out about being in the bottom two I was able to laugh a little. At one point she says that the test doesn't matter and God has something in store for her. Yeah, and I doubt it's called Heaven.

Finally we are off to the Hall of Beauty to find out who is too ugly, both inside and out, to stay. Oh wait, one more challenge. They plant a guy with his hands full and see if either of the idiots help. Chelsea does, Isis does not. Nothing groundbreaking there.

In true Tyra Banks fashion it comes down to two girls. First we have Chelsea, the pretty girl who needs a "makeunder", and Isis, pretty who needs a makeover, inside and out.

Chelsea is safe and Isis must pack her tranny bags and go. Isis says "Peace Out! I'm a good person," and storms out. She's ready to go on to greener pastures – And so am I. Did anyone watch this show? Who do you think will be "America's Most Beautiful Person?"


heatm said...

IBBB, if you ever take a vacation,
I think you have a sufficient assistant to fill in the voids.
She did a bang-up job. (yeah, I said "bang")

Anonymous said...

ah. tyra. thank you for providing me heinous entertainment and thank you to laurie for this re-cap. it deserves a round a of applause. i vote to keep the true beauty re-caps coming!

and i couldn't agree more about chelsea. her crooked chin haunts me in my sleep. she could learn a lot from heidi montag. ha. i crack myself up.

carrie johnson fireboo said...

great recap,
will keep reading them even though the show naturally isn't airing in sweden.


Z-Snapper said...

that was even worse than jenny recaps, please ibbb fulfill the dreams of starving children cause at least u know they will take a dirt nap soon and wont be embarrassed cause you let the world see their crappy recap, oh i see what u were doing u let her humiliate herself in front of millions, brilliant

Anonymous said...

I think Monique looks like the tranny though a very good looking one.